Poll: "You've lost enough"
linmueller
Posts: 1,354 Member
This came up in my meeting this week, and I just read about it on Connect. People are being told they shouldn't lose more weight, they are getting too skinny, or they look great right where they are. What's interesting to me is the people's reaction to these comments. They are hurt, deflated, or saddened. I don't get it. I would just figure that they were so used to seeing me or others overweight that they don't know what healthy looks like. Or maybe I just don't care what people think. And I definitely wouldn't feel sad or deflated.
I'm wondering if my reaction is unusual. So, how do or would you feel when told not to lose any more weight? And why?
I'm wondering if my reaction is unusual. So, how do or would you feel when told not to lose any more weight? And why?
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No. I don't think it's unusual. I think my two main reactions were surprise and annoyance. Surprised (pleasantly) that anybody could think I looked too thin. Ever. And annoyed because after the 33rd time somebody has proffered an opinion, enough is enough.
I suppose if I thought I looked 'perfect' at a certain weight, I might feel bad if others didn't confirm my self-perception. But since I'm pretty certain I will never think I look perfect, this doesn't come into play.0 -
linmueller wrote: »they were so used to seeing me or others overweight that they don't know what healthy looks like.
This is what I experienced. I have not had it happen in a long time (I hit goal in 2012), though I did recently run into an old co-worked for the first time since 2008 who had to look twice to recognize me. Nice little NSV and reminder of where I had been.0 -
Well, its never happened to me, but I imagine any annoyance would be just be due to repetition (as Steve said). People (including myself) really have no idea what pounds actually look like. While no one's told me that I should STOP losing weight, my friends honestly can't believe I have 70# to go to reach the top of my BMI range. Sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror, I can't believe it either. I think I look pretty good in my new, smaller clothes. But at work, when I'm washing my hands in the ladies room next to a bona fide healthy lady, I realize I'm still really really fat.
Bottom line: our eyes adjust so that what we see all the time becomes "normal". People notice change, not absolute values, so being skinnier that you used to be = that's enough change, please stop changing.0 -
Good to know I'm not the only one who wouldn't be hurt or saddened by the comment! It really does baffle me ... but everyone's different.0
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I get slightly annoyed at any judgmental statement about my body. My body=my aesthetic choice. My token response was "well it's a good thing I don't have to conform to your physical ideals". Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world without body judgment (or where people kept it to themselves)?0
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I'm no where near getting that comment but DW had to endure some remarks at WW WIs! When I joined she joined with me for moral support. She was about 135# and 5'0". As she got down below 110# WW staff was concerned and would make comment OUTLOUD! She works out daily, works 40 hrs a week, rides her bicycle, jogs and will probably live to be 100! Sometimes people just say dumb stuff!0
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I actually had someone I knew ask if I was seriously ill because I Lost over a 100 lbs. in 8 months. When I told him I was doing WW. he actually argued with me that there was no possible way to lose that kind of weight in that time with out something being wrong WOW.0
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Years ago, when I was one of the "skinny" ones, I was told many times that I didn't need to lose weight. I knew I needed to drop 10-15 pounds. I even went to a weight loss group, and was made to feel very unwelcome. This was when I was much younger, and it bothered me that other people couldn't simply accept that I needed to lose weight just like they did. Now, I understand that in their minds I really didn't need to lose any weight. If they weighed what I did at that time they would have been thrilled. But, I was young and had never had a weight problem and I believed them.
I haven't heard that comment in a long time, and if someone said that to me today I would tell them thank you for the complement, and then ignore their advice. It wouldn't upset me at all.0 -
My medical doctor set my weight goal. I am not concerned about what the general population thinks.0
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I've had only a couple people tell me I've lost enough and not to lose any more. I hear it but it doesn't really affect me one way or the other. When I look at pictures of my previous life, I can see why they might say that. I'm not looking to lose more at this point. This past January, my doctor told me I was 'ideal'--a first for me I can assure you.
I think the incidence of anyone saying much of anything hasn't come up hardly at all in the last six months. A few people have asked in a hushed voice whether I was OK and once I assure them I am and the weight loss was intentional, the topic is dropped.0 -
I do what I want to do. I agree that our perception of a healthy weight (visually) is altered. My hubs and I talk about it when we watch old movies and see how thin the actors look.
Depending on who is saying it, sometimes I think it is envy more than concern. When my doctor told me to be mindful on losing more because she is very thin and now has osteoporosis and she noted a connection, that I took as genuine feedback.0 -
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Interesting that none of you would be hurt or deflated. Maybe they're in the minority. I assumed others were agreeing they'd feel the same, but maybe they were just respecting their feelings. Glad I'm not the only one who, if impacted negatively at all, would just be annoyed
Thanks all for the feedback, and the indirect assurance that I'm not just cold and unfeeling LOL0 -
I think that is pretty normal. It happened to me. I just said thanks and get it moving. It does get annoying after a while. I guess people get deflated because they don't have the people's support and encouragement to reach their goal. The cheering squad thins a bit. But once you reach goal people will get used to the new you.0
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Back in the day (i.e., when I first lost weight), I had a friend/colleague who used to go around telling people "don't worry, he doesn't have cancer." He thought it was funny, but I found it very annoying (and we're both cancer docs!).
I think the real point is that it's the change that throws folks off. I've been below my WW goal weight for seven years now. I haven't gotten a comment like that in a looooong time.0 -
When I first got close to goal, I remember someone at work pulling me aside and asking if I was "okay". He noticed I was steadily dropping a lot of weight and was concerned. It didn't bother me. But after a while people asking me "you aren't going to lose anymore are you" would get annoying. I appreciated the concern, but it did wear on me. I don't think most people don't recognize healthy weights.0
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As I recall, most (all?) of these comments were from overweight people. I just shrugged it off. It was just one bit of noise I had to block out to get to goal. And I think we have to block out a LOT of noise to make this work.
The other aspect of this that gets me goes like this- when is it ok to comment on someone's weight? And if they are commenting about how thin I am, what are their motives?
I get into this because this is what gets me, at 285 lbs I was in serious trouble. I had one friend who ever expressed concern for my health. So where were these folks who seem concerned that I'm "too skinny" then? Huh?0 -
Rachel0778 wrote: »I get slightly annoyed at any judgmental statement about my body. My body=my aesthetic choice. My token response was "well it's a good thing I don't have to conform to your physical ideals". Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world without body judgment (or where people kept it to themselves)?
This is one approach, but I find it leads to a more confrontational outcome. Easier to just thank them and suggest you'll discuss it with your health care provider at your next appointment. Sometimes it's just easier (and more correct) to attribute the statements to ignorance instead of malice.1 -
The whole "are you ill" thing is a bit different. Here's more:
https://countcurtblog.wordpress.com/2016/03/23/cancer-the-easy-way-out/0 -
Rachel0778 wrote: »I get slightly annoyed at any judgmental statement about my body. My body=my aesthetic choice. My token response was "well it's a good thing I don't have to conform to your physical ideals". Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world without body judgment (or where people kept it to themselves)?
This is one approach, but I find it leads to a more confrontational outcome. Easier to just thank them and suggest you'll discuss it with your health care provider at your next appointment. Sometimes it's just easier (and more correct) to attribute the statements to ignorance instead of malice.
I agree my response is confrontational. It definitely is easier to go the route you mentioned, but I think that comments about my body are inappropriate and prefer to make that clear right away.
Especially as a female in the US, we are constantly being through media messaging and people around us that we're too big, too small, too muscular, too thin, etc. I prefer to be a part of the counter-culture that says that this constant messaging is *kitten*. Even if a person is well meaning, their comment is inappropriate and so I respond to get the message across that is not something that I am in any way okay with.1 -
No you aren't the only one. There has been considerable inflation in folks minds what "normal" or "skinny" looks like. Average guys in World War II army were 5'8" weighing 140ish LB and being 125ish LB would not be too light for that height. I have shrunk a bit in height from my 5'9"+ but am comfortable in the current 156-157ish range.
Yeah I don't want to hear comments about being too big or too small as Rachel says but just ignore it.0 -
Rachel0778 wrote: »
I agree my response is confrontational. It definitely is easier to go the route you mentioned, but I think that comments about my body are inappropriate and prefer to make that clear right away.
Especially as a female in the US, we are constantly being through media messaging and people around us that we're too big, too small, too muscular, too thin, etc. I prefer to be a part of the counter-culture that says that this constant messaging is *kitten*. Even if a person is well meaning, their comment is inappropriate and so I respond to get the message across that is not something that I am in any way okay with.
Actually, sometimes it's an assessment, not a judgement. It may be an inaccurate assessment, but it's an assessment all the same. If you think giving Aunt Dottie an "MYOB" is a good way to go, have at it.0 -
Rachel0778 wrote: »
I agree my response is confrontational. It definitely is easier to go the route you mentioned, but I think that comments about my body are inappropriate and prefer to make that clear right away.
Especially as a female in the US, we are constantly being through media messaging and people around us that we're too big, too small, too muscular, too thin, etc. I prefer to be a part of the counter-culture that says that this constant messaging is *kitten*. Even if a person is well meaning, their comment is inappropriate and so I respond to get the message across that is not something that I am in any way okay with.
Actually, sometimes it's an assessment, not a judgement. It may be an inaccurate assessment, but it's an assessment all the same. If you think giving Aunt Dottie an "MYOB" is a good way to go, have at it.
I also don't think it's appropriate for people to assess my body without my consent(Aunt Dottie included). My family dynamic is likely different than yours, but I see no problem with telling a family member if I feel a comment is inappropriate. I phrase things differently if it's a rando on the street or my aunt, but I do speak up. Especially with the number of young female cousins in my family, I don't feel that conversations about my body or it's aesthetic are appropriate dinner conversation topics.0 -
I think that is pretty normal. It happened to me. I just said thanks and get it moving. It does get annoying after a while. I guess people get deflated because they don't have the people's support and encouragement to reach their goal. The cheering squad thins a bit. But once you reach goal people will get used to the new you.
Good point Cliff! I didn't think about the loss of a cheering squad. That reason makes sense.0 -
steve0mania wrote: »Back in the day (i.e., when I first lost weight), I had a friend/colleague who used to go around telling people "don't worry, he doesn't have cancer." He thought it was funny, but I found it very annoying (and we're both cancer docs!).
I think the real point is that it's the change that throws folks off. I've been below my WW goal weight for seven years now. I haven't gotten a comment like that in a looooong time.
I don't really question why people make these comments, tho I'm a little surprised by the insensitivity of a cancer doc making comments like that (I assume he didn't make them in front of patients at least). What I don't get is why people are made sad or deflated by them. I get irritated/annoyed and indifferent, but sad baffles me. Cliff's suggestion that their cheering squad is thinning lends some light ...0 -
As I recall, most (all?) of these comments were from overweight people. I just shrugged it off. It was just one bit of noise I had to block out to get to goal. And I think we have to block out a LOT of noise to make this work.
The other aspect of this that gets me goes like this- when is it ok to comment on someone's weight? And if they are commenting about how thin I am, what are their motives?
I get into this because this is what gets me, at 285 lbs I was in serious trouble. I had one friend who ever expressed concern for my health. So where were these folks who seem concerned that I'm "too skinny" then? Huh?
And yet, could we have heard them? And if we did, would we have taken their concern to heart or gotten angry or hurt? It's almost like we (I) wanted to believe others didn't see me as nearly as fat as I was. Who was I kidding?0 -
Rachel0778 wrote: »I get slightly annoyed at any judgmental statement about my body. My body=my aesthetic choice. My token response was "well it's a good thing I don't have to conform to your physical ideals". Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a world without body judgment (or where people kept it to themselves)?
This is one approach, but I find it leads to a more confrontational outcome. Easier to just thank them and suggest you'll discuss it with your health care provider at your next appointment. Sometimes it's just easier (and more correct) to attribute the statements to ignorance instead of malice.
I couldn't agree more! I don't think twice about somebody saying not to lose more. When I was at my low last fall, people assumed I was where I wanted to be. I just let them. I'm pretty indifferent about others opinion about my healthy weight and I don't want to make them feel bad. I'm sure they're just trying to be supportive! But tell me I need to lose more, and tempers will flare!
Crazy emotions! 0 -
Lin you're right I wouldn't have done anything
As to your point why people find the "too skinny" comments discouraging- 1) trying to make changes for the better and expecting some encouragement 2) always on the lookout for reasons to be discouraged and working to take any comment and turn it to something bad.
And an aside, remember I was 285 once, fat people can be very thin skinned.0 -
Right now, I can only dream of a day when this is an issue I have to deal with. But I have never asked that sort of question if memory serves correctly.1
This discussion has been closed.