Lise, I know you've been buffering your husband away from some of the worst of this episode...did he not realize how bad it really was - or did he just need a break too? I'm glad you called him, regardless. I know that my own experience with men is that we expect them to GET what we need because we can normally read them like books, but we forget that they often miss that same insight into us... We have to come out and clearly state exactly what we want/need, and for most of that is really hard. They don't have to do that, why should we? It's b-witchy demand things like that. We're so selfish to ask for so much. Etc. Most of us see it as a mental failing that we should have to ask - or that we NEED at all.

But as we all know well, mental illness and mental hiccups - they LIE to us...they distort the truth, make us feel alone, insane, dealing with symptoms of things, etc. I'm SOOO sorry that you're struggling with getting level on your meds. I know what a hellish misery that can be...Hopefully you've already seen the doctor today, or will soon.

As for the meds, why do you consider them BAD? Because of side effects you are having? Or because of just the emotional connotation to those medications? Remember, what works for one person, may not work for another, and they just have to go through the different medications and different combinations of medications to see what your body needs. It has nothing to do with anything you have done right or wrong - it is just the way your body is wired or deficiencies your body has developed. Some meds may be temporary, some permanent. Just don't give up, because there ARE combinations out there that will help you get back to your level of normal again...

And don't ever feel bad about hitting me up, even in the middle of the night. FB messenger will pop up on my phone, and I'm up at all sorts of crazy hours. I've been there with all the racing crazy thoughts, the ones that you think if you tell another living soul, they will all run screaming from you and work to having you committed. You know me, I will be straight-forward with you, but I will also listen and refrain from judgment as much as humanly possible, because we all have different struggles. Plus, I don't have to SEE you every day and deal with my own issues with yours as context, etc. (which is what most close personal friends can't deal with)... I can see you from a distance, so it's SAFER, right?

So, hit us up if you need us...we are here!!!! And as Cari says, don't apologize for needing people who GET you in your life...and for needing more than you are getting. We've all been there and likely will be there again at some point. We're a tribe. Hugs and love, Lise, @maoribadger .... Hugs and love - and because I'm so far away, I can do it WITHOUT touching you... I know how that can feel, too.

I'm glad that your hubs stopped and took a breath to realize what it meant that you reached out and admitted you needed him...

Hmm...that doctor sounds like he sees you more as presenting as a drug addict/drug seeker. I had a friend who had all kinds of torn and jacked up stuff in his knee, but was having to work in his feet while awaiting approval for a surgery, but he was refused any pain medication because the doctor labeled him a drug seeker based on his alternative appearance, and because he knew the name of the pain medication AND the dosage he likely would need, so that sort of knowledge meant that he was a drug seeker, regardless of where he acquired the knowledge - and it was from a friend who was a nurse, and therefore refused a pain medication prescription.

So, I'm guessing that your appearance put this doctor in to that frame of reference automatically. I really wish people would get with understanding that appearance is a choice of self-expression, not necessarily a reflection of some presumed trauma from one's past...

Totally lost my train of thought...will write more later!

Lise, how are you doing with the increased and changed doses? Hopefully at least not any worse... Did you hear from the nurse???

Kids and hubby and darned dog behaving as much as possible?

HUGS

You seem to be more settled in your post Lise. That's good. Klonopin works well for me for anxiety/agitation.. I just upped my dosage of it today. Giving it about 1 week to calm things down for me. Not that I "feel" bad. My bff of 28 years and I ended our friendship, mom just started being able to drive on Friday but is feeling worse now than before. I know things need to get done, but I do believe that she forgets I work all day and although I sit all day at work and talk on the phone in a call center, it's draining work.

Mania does tend to wreck havoc on everything.

Your daughter is a hoot.

I truly hope you are on the mend and on an upswing mood wise.

Love and hugs.

@maoribadger - I know you feel more level, but I think you need to be that level of balance for more than a single day or two before returning to work. I would DEFINITELY use the time, because any ridiculous stress trigger or anything can send you right back into a manic episode. I know you're wanting to get back to things, but you MUST give your body time to heal!

In fact, I think it would be selfish to go back to work. Trying to force normal on yourself - expecting too much of yourself - and putting work at risk if you are even an iota under 100%. "I think I'm fit to work..." is nowhere near, "goodness, I'm finally feeling like my solid self again. Work is missing out. I so need to get back in there and remind them why I'm awesome." or whatever jazz you'd tell yourself.

This time is crucial to your mental health and lifelong survival. That is why the sick note was written to cover that time. That's the minimum amount of time your medical team thought you needed before being seen again. And while it hurts, we aren't perfect, we can't be superwoman all the time, and sometimes, we just need someone to remind us that we can't give our best to others if we don't stop and take a breath and care for ourselves sometimes.

And for folks like us, with the issues we face, the simple task of stopping and having any time to think or be alone is utterly terrifying, but it is so necessary...

Love and hugs, Lise. Take this time you need, your doctors tell you that you need, and get yourself on solid footing before you step fully back into all the aspects of your juggling life so you can be the best you can be in all aspects, including FOR you. (HUGS)

Sorry hon. I hope you can be protected and safe going back. Hugs.

Make sure you discuss the "gossip mill" with your nurse, too!!! (HUGS)