Lise, you do not owe us any apology. It is your life, you're the one who has to live with it! (HUGS)

Congrats on the daughter's room (only one, or both?) But wow, huge success...

I think that it is a good idea to share age appropriately with the girls, that way they grow up knowing it isn't their fault (you know kids can assume and often do absorb blame). Clinical. It is medical. I do take medicines. It can change. It is no one's fault, not yours, not dad's, not mine. No you can't catch it. Yes, you might be at risk to develop it as an adult. No, you can never use it as an excuse for bad behavior or had temper. No, Mum can't die from this. Yes, Mum will have good days, bad days, normal days, weird days, and all kinds of things. No, it isn't scary - it's just hard to figure out the best medicines for it because doctors haven't been studying it long - and different medicines work better for different people, etc.

If you approach it well, now and through the years, you might help the next generation to see mental illness in a new light - as something that isn't a personal failing of some sort, but rather just a medical issue, no different than diabetes or thyroid issues or something else they can easily understand.

I'm sure the thought of talking to them is utterly terrifying. If your children inherited any of your anxiety issues, this might be a stress point for a bit... Or they might shrug it off like, "okay, whatever, Mum's weird, we already knew that, thanks for telling us, *insert eye rolls*." Who knows? I'm glad your husband is on board. I really think long term that this idea is the best - because sincerely, I've been on both sides of kids feeling at fault for adult things they've no part in... Removing that to become a non-issue will help...

Absolutely, I'd be happy to read through anything... The girls are what, 7 and 5? Or close to, right? Gotta get back into that age's mindset.

I'm glad that you're looking into coping strategies. I don't remember the issues with the local service. Getting your friends to engage - ON YOUR TERMS - could be helpful, but not if they overmanage things or you stress about sharing you. And honestly, the fact that it scares you to tell your Best Friend is a good thing...it means it matters, you're taking it seriously, all of that...

I discovered something this past weekend while hitting a mild hypomanic bout. I self harm, too, though in different form. Either I binge to a point of nearly getting sick - and then I restrict to the point of coming up on hurting my body from the inside. It is a technique I've used to control my stress for ages, and it wasn't until I hit afterburn on it last weekend that it hit me exactly what I was doing. I was using food as the equivalent of a knife to my insides. Like I'm unhappy with myself, so I keep self-harming by eating everything I know I shouldn't so I'll stay morbidly obese and in a state of high insulin making me even more unhealthy than before... I know it isn't the same thing, or anywhere near it, but when I realized I was punishing myself after a small binge, pushing myself to the point of pain internally, it finally broke through to me that I was using it to "escape" my stress, not to the "good point" of feeling good with that food high, but by forcing restriction on myself as punishment. I was so angry at myself, but it's still a cycle I'm locked into, too. Before I moved, I had started getting a handle on some better coping strategies and managing things better, but with the move, so many things have been out of control, and it just keeps ramping up until I'm ready to lose what little bit of sanity and mind I have left, so I do something stupid... It's like I'm try make myself sick or hurt... And it is a full compulsion - it feels out of my control. I'm working on that, too.

(HUGS) to you, Lise. Just the fact that you are fighting back means that you are stronger than you realize!

Looks good. Be prepared for any question you can't even fathom yet, since children's minds work so differently than ours. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if your older daughter makes the connection and asks about her sister's ... behavior, although different, still...related? I hope this goes very well and makes it easier for you to bear the fluctuations, knowing that your kiddos will understand it a bit better.

I just resurfaced after bipolar wrecked my summer. Getting help is so difficult. I am also on a lithium quetiapine combo. I was put on lithium in May 800mg. It made me feel sick and I drastically reduced my food intake and lost 20lb really fast but then the sick feeling stopped and I lost the ability to feel anything other than moderately depressed and angry for months during which I also was quite numb and comfort ate a lot gaining back everything I lost. I got very tired again, my periods had stopped for longer than usual even taking my pcos in to account. My thyroid finally tested conclusively underactive so on medication for that too which got periods to come back. They warned me my thyroid was borderline prior to Lithium and that Lithium might push it over the edge so was no surprize when it happened.

I reduced lithium to 600mg because it was making me constipated to the extent I needed daily laxatives. Also I wanted to feel something other than depressed and angry. My mood crashed into a deeper depression soon after reducing to 600mg but I regained my full range of emotions and mood lifted again two weeks later resuming my usual rapid cycling bipolar pattern. My constipation resolved when reduced to 600mg. Lithium was the last option for me so I guess I am officially treatment resistant now in that nothing works for me. I do find quetiapine useful. It does not stop the mood swings at all but it does help with psychotic symptoms. It stops me seeing and hearing stuff that is not there, it also effectively knocks me out in the evening when I want to sleep. With my doctors permission I take anything between 25mg and 400mg quetiapine daily depending how bad I am. I am very sensitive to medications so 25mg is enough to help me get to sleep on an average day. Sometimes that changes to 50mg or 100mg but I increase by 25mg daily if just sleep issues. 400mg would only be if having a major freak out where I am a danger to myself and others. I had one of those in March I think it was. That is why I was put on Lithium. I have noticed I sweat loads recently. My top was wet with sweat earlier while just sitting doing knitting. I had not realised the Lithium might be doing that. For now i am staying on 600mg Lithium and the quetiapine. It is in no way stopping my mood swings but maybe it will stop me going crazy level manic or dangerouse to others at least.

Self harm is a really hard spiral to get out of. It took me a long time to admit to anyone other than my partner how bad it was. I took pictures in the end and showed them to my psychiatric nurse who I have known 4 years now and trust. I think admitting it to a few people helped me to face up to it and turn things around. I did not instantly stop but I gradually reduced it until was no longer a problem. I thought there were things in my skin that I needed to get out and my body was smothered in bleeding painful sores for years. I gradually made myself stop examining my skin and over a period of many months I eventually stopped tearing holes in myself. I am lucky that my skin heals well and scars have faded a lot. They only really show up when I come out of shower or it is cold out. I am hoping eventually they will fade away completely. I started doing that to my skin when I was around 7 I think. It was at it's worst 2013,2014,2015 and I stopped early this year.

Anyway Lise you are not alone and I really hope things improve for you.

Big hugs my friend. I'm sorry the school is being idiots. Your counselor is a jerk, glad you're looking for another.

@maoribadger - Is it just me, or is it those of us struggling the most who are the hardest on ourselves???

Please, sincerely, sit and think of what you would say to a patient struggling with these same issues? Would you tell them they have to go back to work right now? Or would you tell them to get level first? Would you tell them that the scale matters more than anything else, or would you tell them to focus on healing your head first, and then worrying about the scale?

I think that perhaps that is our coping technique? So much of our lives is out of control that trying to be strict on the things we can control is how we keep somewhat sane. Does that make any sense? I know I'm not wording this right. We're hardest on ourselves because keeping anything under control is so elusive, and so in order not to fall full over into non-functioning, we expect more of ourselves than we would of anyone else? So, it fuels our depression, because we set impossible goals, at which we are nearly always guaranteed failure, but at least by setting goals like this, we fool ourselves to believe we can FORCE NORMAL to return???

Okay, I'm obviously just dancing word circles here, but hopefully, all you folks know what I mean....

HUGS...

Do you trust your doctor?? Sincerely? Then work hard not to be upset with yourself if you're off until November, or past it. Your doctor is prioritizing your health. Trust in him to do that. You would do the same for any of your patients, would you not?

And I can guarantee you that if your Mum got you a gift voucher for food shopping because you refused any other monetary help, she would NOT, in any way, want you to spend a single penny on her. She gave you money for food, and you turn around and spend the money you would have spent on food from your own budget to get something foolishly outrageous that she may or may not have really needed? Is that not essentially making light of her very touching and understanding gift to you? I can tell you that if your Mum is like mine, a framed print of some of my own personal artwork would mean more to her than any nondescript, impersonal gift of a THING. Not to make light of your sister's likely thoughtful gift. But don't you think it would hurt your Mum on some level, to know what you're going through, and to give her something costly that she'd probably feel more like selling and finding a way to give that money back to you? Yes, you have a generous spirit, but don't forget that you likely inherited that from you MUM....

I'm glad that you are getting back to your art, and looking to find another counsellor better suited to your needs. I'm glad that your nurse is pushing for another assessment - and working with you, despite not wanting to put you on something else.

I'm beyond thrilled that your daughter isn't being forced into a school trip. That's incredible. So glad the head teacher was helpful.

I think becoming a control freak and self harm in any form are coping techniques for how we handle the chaos that mental illness and incorrect/adjusting treatments and the social stigma cause... Kind of like becoming obese is the body's way of handling excess calories and glucose taken in - rather than letting us develop diabetes (many recent studies seem to show this is the case - hence why many MO folks can get very VERY heavy before developing T2D, whereas a slender person may develop it more quickly - not the case for all folks, but the more you study it, it makes sense, so I'm working at becoming thankful for my fat for protecting me thus far - and giving me the motivation to fight back against it all...)...

Anyway, just try to do what you can on the debt calls. Having declared bankruptcy last year myself, and still struggling financially now, but at least without a bevy of creditors taking me to court, I can fully appreciate the draining levels of exhaustion that compound every single other thing else...

Many hugs, my friend...