When I get really bad, I have to keep telling myself this is not real, this is not real.......... I know life stuff is real but I also on some level know that my feelings and thoughts are not real, they are distorted by my illness. Bipolar I think is a bit like being an unwilling drug taker, people who take LSD and experiment with different drugs go on all sorts of wacky head trips, some come with a rush, some are terrifying, most are ultimately damaging in some way. Instead of going to a dealer and buying a bunch of random upper and downer pills, we have our own inbuilt crazy chemist. Our brains produce their own upper and downer trips. Then doctors add some more to the mix to try and counter act that. Having our brains hijacked in this way is horrible, it is natural to feel distraught about it at times. Anyone would. It is an illness though, it is not your fault. I have to continuously remind myself of that. The worst episodes do pass and I know it is terrifying knowing there will be more but life is still worth fighting for. Love, smiles of loved ones, gorgeous days, there are always things to fight for.

I had to create this for myself, I think everyone with a life threatening mental illness should make themselves a list like this and keep it somewhere easily accessible. Even write to yourself telling yourself why you must fight it even in darkest times.

Why I don’t commit Suicide

All the things I will miss out on
Warmth of sunny day, rustle of leaves on trees, sunlight through leaves, beautiful views, seeing peoples smiles, taste of favourite foods, paddle in the sea, soak in bath, snuggled in bed, good movie, touch of loved ones, conversations, learning new skills, discovering new interests. I may not have met people who would have become best friends or love of my life if I had continued living.

All the pain I will cause
Family, friends, professionals who support me, people who don’t know me well but who will still be upset if I end myself.

The legacy I will leave
Suicide is infectious, hearing about it and knowing people who do it increases sense of hopelessness in others who are vulnerable and is an unintentional statement that suicide is ok and is a solution. Is that a message I am willing to leave behind for others to follow?

Unknown consequences
I have no way to be sure suicide will be a way out. No one comes back to say if death is actually an improvement or not. I might be reincarnated with similar challenges to face all over again. I would be exchanging the known for totally unknown. Too big a gamble?

Why rush the inevitable?
The only guarantee in life is death. It will happen so may as well wait for it to happen naturally.

There are almost always other options
Maybe I feel unloved or unimportant or all alone. Maybe I feel unworthy. Maybe I am too embarrassed or ashamed to really open up and ask for help. But hang on what does any of that matter if I am willing to kill myself. Then *kitten* being embarrassed or ashamed, I have literally nothing left to lose at this point. I can ask for help from anyone and everyone no matter how embarrassing or hopeless I may think that is because I can not be any worse off than I am at the point of being willing to kill myself. Unless I have asked every person on the planet for help how can I be sure that the help I need is not available. Having nothing to lose can be a source of often untapped liberation. What if I threw my rule book out the window and lived a different way? What if I start life over again, I can change my name, my location. I can severe all contact with my life and start again anywhere. It is never possible to entirely escape past or particular issues but a lot can be changed and is worth exploring before committing an irreversible final act. I could go out in the street and scream my problems, I could cry with total abandon. I could let all my walls down and be helpless. I don’t have to keep up pretence of being strong in front of others. Many things could go wrong, I might regret my choices but at least I will still be here and I can keep exploring options.

Personal reasons to me.......................................

Self Soothing:

Ears
• Soothing music
• Cathartic music
• Loud music in headphones either angry or energetic
• Get out in to countryside or a quiet garden to experience silence, leaves rustling, birds singing, water running.
Eyes
• Artwork on walls
• Colourful throws, rugs
• Feature walls
• Mood lighting, candles
• Tidy helps
Nose
• Incense
• Scented candles
• Oil burner- Geranium , Lemongrass, Sandalwood, Bergamot
• Perfume
• Bath bombs
• Scented soaps, gels, shampoos
• Coffee beans
Touch
• Comfortable clothing
• Soft throw
• Self Massage – oil or moisturise feet, hands
• Soak in bath
Taste
• Drink a lot of water
• Try new flavours
• Lemon, Chocolate
• Avoid alcohol
• Avoid energy drinks and junk food
• Go for meal out

Actions
• Walk
• Swim
• Gym
• Fitness routine
• Dance
• Speak to people
• Write
• Jigsaw puzzles
• Arts and crafts
• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Decorating
• Hobby

@maoribadger Sending the world's biggest hugs.

@ObesityWarrior Sending you huge hugs, too. That was an impressive writing. For those of us in less chaos, it's a very vivid portrait you painted.... Thank you.

Lise, this hurts my heart so much... I wish I could wave a magic wand and ease all this for you.

I'm so so so far beyond happy that you told your husband... I can't imagine how dark this world would be without you in it...just saying, no pressure or expectation.

I'm trudging through the mess my health is right now, and have a meeting with my doc coming up soon, but too much in life is still stressful and exhausting and confusing...

(hugs) (hugs) and more (hugs)...

If I can help in any way from across the pond, don't hesitate to holler...

I am glad you are being given some time off from working and that you are getting help. I can't imagine how traumatising that incident must have been. Sometimes we are hurting over things even more than we realise. I often break down in floods of tears over stuff that i thought I had already dealt with but clearly had not finished dealing with. I think letting that pain out and having it witnessed by supportive people can be healing. We put so much effort into the putting on a brave face and keeping going thing, but really giving in and having a decent cry is more healthy I think, however many crys it takes. I broke down crying few weeks ago over a teacher that died over 20 years ago. I cried so much all those years ago that I would not have thought I needed to cry over her death anymore but I did need to cry more and I may cry over her more still in future. Denying our pain does not lessen it. I have heard good things about dbt, not available where I am sadly. I hope it helps you.

I am doing ok, been feeling very munchy this week and eaten more but have not binged. It was date night for me with my gentleman friend last night. It is so nice to set a few hours aside and just enjoy each other's company, putting aside all our stresses for those few hours. I drank a bit more than I had intended but was not drunk and resisted the urge for a pudding after our meal. It was a nice evening. Sometimes I find I live just for those evenings, wish I could stay in that bubble all of the time. It is so important though to have times set aside to recharge and unwind with loved ones.

Sending hugs all around. I remember that stuff. I didn't know better, so I cold turkeyed it when I did it, but luckily, I'd been on the lowest dose, so it wasn't too terrible. My ex had a much harder time.

My daughter is starting to shows stronger signs of the clinical anxiety my ex has, far beyond the normal stuff. Since I'm not heavily involved, I don't know how to dive in to make sure she's getting the talk therapy and/or medication she might need NOW, so as to have as level a life as possible. It manifested with her in elementary school, definitely his side of the mental stuff rather than mine, and eased off for a bit, but now seems back in full force. Of course, being a high school student in these turbulent times is probably challenge enough...

Any suggestions are appreciated.

I truly wish this were all easier to manage, but it seems that we're all kind of tied to the struggle. More hugs all around.

P.S. Lise - SOOOO proud of the incredibly rational decision about not wanting codeine in the house... Frankly, I'm a bit shocked it was even offered, considering...