Thanks Kayla!!!!

I shared this is another group I am in. @KnitOrMiss shared an article with me that truly hit home and this was my true, honest, heart felt reaction:

This entire process of losing weight SUCKS. I just read an article on Friday that my friend Carly shared where it points out that like only 3% of those who hit their goal weight remain there and don't regain the weight. Sometimes, quite often... I think..... WHY TRY!!!!!!! I currently weigh 273.8. I am at the same weight now that I was at 25. Lost some at 27-28, ballooned up to 411 in 2007 (when I was 34), but I truly wonder if this is where my body is comfortable.

SOOOO, instead of focusing so much on what the scale says, I'm going to try to work on increasing my activity level and get to the point I can climb steps without being winded. I'm going to focus on how my clothes fit and how I feel. I'm so tired of being bound by the number on the scale. I will be doing the lose 100lbs in 15 month challenge that I am starting October 1, 2016. BUT, I will only be weighing in one time per week. Saturdays..... I will not allow the scale to rule my life. 100lbs in 15 months equates to about 1.5 lbs a week and to me is doable if I focus on my activity level and not being winded walking and doing things. If I learn to treat my body like the temple it should be treated as, providing it good, non processed foods, not worrying about calories in, but rather how I feel. Can I do more today than yesterday. Am I doing more?? Am I enjoying more of my life?? I believe for the past number of years, I've been so focused on losing weight and not living life until...... until I hit goal.... until I was in a certain size jeans.... until I felt comfortable in my own skin. THAT'S OVER. I've allowed too much of my life pass me by. Today, I start living life. I truly think if I feel mentally, physically and emotionally better about myself... the rest has got to follow. I make my own destiny.

What's crazy.... I don't want to be "skinny" If I never make it to my goal weight but am healthy and can walk and do things without being winded.... To ME.... that's a huge win. I know that I do not have to fit into society's norms to be comfortable in my own skin.

Thanks Tiffany. I always believed I had to fit into society's norms to do things. Now, I plan on getting out and doing things and experiencing life for what it is. I know that people will still stare and giggle, but that's their problem.....NOT MINE.

X-post from another thread I'm on:

So I know I've been posting how sick and tired I am of feeling like I am tethered to tracking, so I gave it up. NEVER should have done that for myself or, better yet, to myself. Who the heck was I kidding when I thought I could do this without tracking. YES, I am very tired of feeling like food is all I think about. Planning, tracking, making, you name it... I know you guys and gals know exactly what I mean.

So what happened since 10.01.16 when I started this. I've gained 12 lbs in 16 days. I know that I cannot do SP. To me, it is way to restrictive and feels like a diet. But that's just my opinion. I know others are having great success with it and give them KUDOS for being able to do it.

All my dad ever wanted for me was to lose the weight and be happy and healthy. I've been fooling myself by saying, I'm big but healthy. It won't last like that forever. One day, this weight will ca ch up with me and it scares the dickens out of me.

So what am I doing now? Well, after careful journaling and consideration, I've decided to start back on points plus again. Leon was kind enough to send me the link to the weight watchers info for PP. Thanks again Leon!!!

I do not believe right now it helps that I am in the midst of a severe depression that started 04.09.16 when I had to euthanize my best friend whom I had for 16 wonderful years. Then the passing of my father 07.17.16.... Just seems like one thing after another this year and I haven't caught a break. My doctor is wonderful though. He's added Cymbalta to my med regimen. (I also suffer horribly from bipolar disorder-cycling ever 3-5 days when not in the midst of an episode).

I also have separated myself from 90% of the people that at one time I considered to be close friends, including my best friend of 28 years. I know, they say not to make major life decisions when going through a manic or depression episode, but I truly did not feel as though these people are or have been there for me for some time. One sided friendships, not what I need. What I needed was some support... It actually got to the point where I tried to find work where I wouldn't have to leave the house and just be a hermit. Can't get hurt if I don't put myself out there. My therapist talked me out of this decision though. I've actually landed a part time job at a local Staples working a couple nights a week and weekends to get me working face to face with the public again. Right now, my job has me tethered to a phone for 7.5 hours a day working in a call center sitting all day long. The only interaction I have with people is my coworkers and the people on the other end of the phone. I'm truly hoping face to face interaction with the public not only earns me a paycheck, but also helps the depression.

Well, vent/rant over as my eyes are swollen with tears. Just typing this out helps. Thanks for reading.

Much love!

Thanks Tiffany. I sure do hope so.

Thanks ladies!!!

Thanks Kayla!!!

Hey ladies and gents.... between my full time job, my part time job, my new boyfriend who wants more time than I have even if I had NO jobs...... I may disappear or be sparse for awhile. I'm doing ok. The bipolar (major depressive episode) is subsiding and I'm starting to feel like me again. Starting Monday 11/14/16, I will be using MFP to track cals but now sure how often I will be able to check in. Hopefully I can do something and check up/in about once a week. I'm checking in from work today. We aren't as busy on Saturdays as we are during the week.