Just need to vent/avoid crying at work/so typing out my feelings!
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RhiannonBecks
Posts: 189 Member
Hi Ladies, (long post)
I don't post too often, though have before and everyone was so kind. I am feeling kind of alone this AM and just really needed a "safe" place to vent/talk it out. By safe I mean not on my normal social media for all of my friends to read.
So I understand that even healthy couples can take a year or longer. Each month that goes by and AF comes, I feel like its never going to happen (ok, emotions heightened, I get it). I am quickly approaching 6 months of trying and Originally my OB/Midwife said dt AMA, if we aren't pregnant in 6 months, come in we will discuss what our options are etc. Emailed my Midwife to ask as we were approaching that 6 month mark soon if we should schedule an appt. Her Nurse responded " Not right now, try for 8 -9 more months and then we can discuss things further, and in the mean time, just relax".
"JUST RELAX" ?? - You don't tell a woman TTC and might I add, an extremely TYPE A personality to JUST RELAX! (husband knows this too thankfully - this also includes, Chill out, it's fine, calm down, haha)
I don't know if it was just my desire has increased or what, but after last month I decided I was just going to keep myself busy during TWW and then if AF came, ok, move it along, lots of fun exciting things coming up in the next few weeks anyway.
So I typically spot for 4-5 days before my actual period and then have maybe 2 days of full on period. I am scheduled to start Tomorrow, but no spotting, so I was like ok, yay...maybe this is it!!
I have been super emotional these past few days but kind of gave it up to lots of stuff happening in personal life/changes/stress etc. I'm talking emotional like there is a new Burger King Ad about Bullying and I legit sobbed, snot running down my face, ugly mascara dripping sobbed.
Then, for whatever reason decided to hop on Facebook, and what do you know...2 of my friends (I'd say more acquaintances if I'm being honest) announced they are expecting and then I am not exaggerating, 2 other girls (daughters of my friends from work) announced they are pregnant "Unexpected, but we are so excited" one says. These girls are 19 and 21. And no shade to young ladies AT ALL, I get it, everyone has their own story. I'm just sitting over here w/my "geriatric Uterus" AMA label trying to make this happen and feeling defeated and sorry for myself. (it will pass, but boy does it suck in this moment). I am happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't make it 'sting' any less.
So holding onto hope that maybe this is my month, woke up reminding myself that this is not something I can plan, that it will happen in time, just trust the process, have faith, yadda yadda yadda.
Get to work, grabbed some coffee & ran to the bathroom; and what do you know? Oh hi, AF. just hi. That is all I can say. I cried in the stall for a few minutes. Poor ladies that came in and out were probably so confused.
So this month is not the month. There are more months. and this is not the end. But right now, I feel like I have all the emotions, want all the foods and trying my best to hold it together at work.
and Breathe.
Thanks Ladies, even if no one reads this, I think just typing the words out sometimes is helpful for processing.
I don't post too often, though have before and everyone was so kind. I am feeling kind of alone this AM and just really needed a "safe" place to vent/talk it out. By safe I mean not on my normal social media for all of my friends to read.
So I understand that even healthy couples can take a year or longer. Each month that goes by and AF comes, I feel like its never going to happen (ok, emotions heightened, I get it). I am quickly approaching 6 months of trying and Originally my OB/Midwife said dt AMA, if we aren't pregnant in 6 months, come in we will discuss what our options are etc. Emailed my Midwife to ask as we were approaching that 6 month mark soon if we should schedule an appt. Her Nurse responded " Not right now, try for 8 -9 more months and then we can discuss things further, and in the mean time, just relax".
"JUST RELAX" ?? - You don't tell a woman TTC and might I add, an extremely TYPE A personality to JUST RELAX! (husband knows this too thankfully - this also includes, Chill out, it's fine, calm down, haha)
I don't know if it was just my desire has increased or what, but after last month I decided I was just going to keep myself busy during TWW and then if AF came, ok, move it along, lots of fun exciting things coming up in the next few weeks anyway.
So I typically spot for 4-5 days before my actual period and then have maybe 2 days of full on period. I am scheduled to start Tomorrow, but no spotting, so I was like ok, yay...maybe this is it!!
I have been super emotional these past few days but kind of gave it up to lots of stuff happening in personal life/changes/stress etc. I'm talking emotional like there is a new Burger King Ad about Bullying and I legit sobbed, snot running down my face, ugly mascara dripping sobbed.
Then, for whatever reason decided to hop on Facebook, and what do you know...2 of my friends (I'd say more acquaintances if I'm being honest) announced they are expecting and then I am not exaggerating, 2 other girls (daughters of my friends from work) announced they are pregnant "Unexpected, but we are so excited" one says. These girls are 19 and 21. And no shade to young ladies AT ALL, I get it, everyone has their own story. I'm just sitting over here w/my "geriatric Uterus" AMA label trying to make this happen and feeling defeated and sorry for myself. (it will pass, but boy does it suck in this moment). I am happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't make it 'sting' any less.
So holding onto hope that maybe this is my month, woke up reminding myself that this is not something I can plan, that it will happen in time, just trust the process, have faith, yadda yadda yadda.
Get to work, grabbed some coffee & ran to the bathroom; and what do you know? Oh hi, AF. just hi. That is all I can say. I cried in the stall for a few minutes. Poor ladies that came in and out were probably so confused.
So this month is not the month. There are more months. and this is not the end. But right now, I feel like I have all the emotions, want all the foods and trying my best to hold it together at work.
and Breathe.
Thanks Ladies, even if no one reads this, I think just typing the words out sometimes is helpful for processing.
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Replies
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Wow Rhiannon. First of all, huge hugs to you from someone who 100% understands exactly how you feel. This is so hard, but you aren't alone. I sent you a friend request.
I would find a new midwife, right now. Don't see that one again. No one should give you that kind of advice, especially not a midwife!! At 5 months ttc I saw mine, and she told me she would refer me to an RE if I wanted, because "only I knew how long was too long, and how long I was able to wait." She meant how much disappointment could I handle. Was it no big deal, whenever it happens it happens, OR was I devastated every month?
I made an RE appointment, but cancelled it because I'm not ready for that yet. That is a big step, and there are smaller steps that I didn't want to skip. It did make me feel better to have a referral, and know what other options were available to me.
Ask your new midwife to test your hormones, it's a blood draw test on cd3&21. (Are you temping, using opks, using an app like fertility friend? If not, start today-these are the easiest at home steps to take.) Stop me if you know all of this already, but if you dont there are a few simple and relatively inexpensive tests that can be done at your midwifes office to identify any issues now. I have an HSG scheduled next month (cycle 10) to see if my tubes are blocked. If they are, that can be corrected.
Its awful to be unsure if there is an issue or if you're in the "healthy couples can take up to a year" camp, I couldn't wait. I needed to know if there was anything wrong that we could correct, because I would be devastated to know that there was something wrong that could have reality been fixed but "it was too soon." You can also get a sperm analysis for your husband, its about $150 out of pocket here, and that is also a next step for us.
Your feelings are legitimate and aren't just hormones, although hormones certainly don't help. Failing at ttc has been the single worst experience of my life. I would never wish this roller coaster ride of emotions, of hope and despair, on anyone. I will likely stop at one child if we succeed because I never want to do this again. If you go back and read some of my posts from a month or so back, I was really hitting rock bottom. I am doing better now (cycle 9 yesterday didn't even make me cry!) but the shift was a mental one, accepting that I may not get pregnant. Once I accepted that there is literally nothing more I can be doing on my own (without intervention) to get pregnant, it got easier.
Im being forced to do an expensive remodel my bathroom bc of damage we just found, my neighbor came over to visit with her 14 month old and told me she is pregnant again, and I started cycle 9 all in the past 2 days. Not a single tear. Im hardened to it all now, which makes it easier.
I hope this huge wall of text helps. Its kinda all over the place, but so is this process. I hope you feel better about things soon. Im an open book if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to.0 -
@Kirstie155 said it best so the only thing I have to add is more hugs. Lots and lots more hugs!0
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@Kirstie155 , thank you so much for the kind words. I am torn about the midwife, she is always so sweet and she was totally on board, so I am left thinking it was the nurse who responded and not actually my midwife, but how one would verify I guess I don't know outside of calling and asking if she even discussed with her? My midwife is the one who even suggested that if at 6 months we had not conceived I come in, so I think that is why it also felt like a blow.
Not too many of my friends actually know we are actively TTC, not that it is a secret, but part of me wants it to be private bc of things exactly like this. Plus, we weren't even sure last year when we got married if we wanted kids or not (we were really up in the air). So I think outside of my husband and my very best friend, I feel somewhat alone (and I know by my own doing).
We too are actually doing some housework, (By choice) and it has been nice as a way to avoid being overly anxious during TWW.
What I really want to do is get through the end of the year, wrap up the construction, get through the holidays which I LOVE and then come January, a new year, and if not pregnant by then, I will be without question going in for an appointment; whether that is a new OB office or not, I am not quite sure yet.
I have been using Ovia for the last 4ish months, which causes a stress of its own. I have used OPKs in the past, though not religiously bc I tested like a maniac and not ONCE did I get a positive ovulation around the time it was 'supposed' to happen. Maybe I don't get surges, I don't know? That caused more stress than anything so I will sporadically test when it is near my ovulation according to Ovia. I haven't been the best at temping, really no excuse, I guess just haven't. Maybe also bc I am not totally sure if I need to test every single day, or again just around ovulation/TOM. (Internet is lovely & full of info, but can also be beyond overwhelming).
Thanks again, it is nice to hear that while my emotions may in fact be related to my hormones, that they are still legitimate.
Friend request accepted, thanks for reaching out.
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I would start temping everyday as soon as you wake up. Don’t get out of bed before doing it. Temping is the only way to be 100% sure that you ovulated without confirming it with a doctor. Download Fertility Friend app, its ugly, but tracks loads more data and has been super accurate. You’ll learn to love it. Put your temp in there everyday and you’re good to go. I don’t put much stock into opks anymore, I rarely get positives either and I was peeing on them up to 3x a day for like 5 days straight and still didn’t get anything-which freaked me out thinking that I’m not ovulating. Temping, blood draws and a sonogram that showed a big follicle all assured me that I am ovulating with no issues. I don’t bother with the opks anymore. They PREDICT ovulation. Temping CONFIRMS it. You’ll feel like you have a bit more control and information with temping….have I convinced you to temp yet, lol?
That said, I did just take last month off temping. I’m fairly regular and after 9 months was ready for a break from obsessing about ttc by thinking about it every day the moment I woke up. Unsure if I’m going to pick it back up again this month. The time off helped me get back to my normal life I want to get all of our testing done before the end of the year, because we’ve met our deductible and we start over with a new plan next year. Gimme the tests!
As for having people know IRL, a few friends, my neighbor and my mom and sister all know. It doesn’t make it easier because they don’t know what to say when Im upset and crying, or they say something stupid and hurtful like "maybe you should try (insert stupid thing I tried 6 months ago)/should you be drinking wine right now/maybe you should lose some weight." None of them have had struggles ttc and have all told me to relax in some form. I just wanna punch them in the throat when they say unhelpful *kitten* like that.
Glad this helped. What kind of project are you guys doing?
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Ok @Kirstie155 , You have convinced me to temp, lol. Though I am up way way earlier than hubby I think id have to walk to the bathroom before temping to avoid waking him - will that really make a big difference?
I will look at the app you suggested as well, thanks!!
We are actually doing a full demo/remodel of our main bath - the room itself isn't huge but it IS our only shower/bath so planning for that has been exciting/stressful etc. We are finishing up our half bath now and then also replacing 8 interior doors and 3 exterior doors. The life a fixer upper. lol We actually have done TONS the past few years though so the bathroom update is welcome!!
Thanks again for reaching out, it is nice to have someone going through something similar, just to be able to say vent or say " can you believe my MIL said this!' , for example...lol
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What I did when I temped is got a basal body thermometer that saved my last temp. Then I'd put it on my phone, temp as soon as it went off, then snooze for a bit before taking it to the bathroom and reading the saved temperature and putting it in my phone app. I got the Mabis brand, it's like $8 on Amazon. No waking up your husband! It will make a difference if you get up out of bed, be bbt reads 98.37 rather than just 98.4, and those small differences are what you need to see to confirm ovulation. I'll be honest, the first month of temping was tricky. I'd wake up hours early, afraid I'd miss my alarm. Or I'd just forget to. It took about a month to get in the habit- you're still asleep after all!
Wow, diy projects are awesome! You're brave for taking on your only bathroom! We have also remodeled our laundry room, half bath and the basement. I think the master bath will end up waiting, a bit though, money is getting tighter.
Im thing this from the ER bc my husband was in a bad car accident tonight on his way home. Car is undrivable, and our insurance is going to have a fit after all these claims. He's okay (I hope) but pretty sore and banged up. This year just keeps on coming!!0 -
Oh my goodness, I am sorry to hear about your husband, I hope he feels better soon and glad he is ok!!
Thanks for the tips on the temping, maybe i'll just keep the thermometer in my night stand drawer, I can roll over & grab it and my phone is right there so I can use that for the light, lol!
Thanks again for all of your input & insight! Much appreciated0 -
I’m gonna second Kirstie’s recommendation of temping here. It doesn’t help with the disappointment every cycle but it does help with sanity throughout. The data is reassuring and can provide you with clues regarding anything that’s wrong. I, too, have pretty much decided not to use OPKs this month as they are a huge source of stress for me. We’re just gonna try to have sex every other day for the next couple weeks and determine through temping & Fertility Friend when I’ve Oed. Good luck and hang in there. This group is a great source of support!
Kirstie I’m so sorry about your husband’s accident and car! The hits just keep coming for you
Also sorry to hear cycle 8 wasn’t the one for you. 1 -
@RhiannonBecks I know what you're going through too. When I was on cycle 5, my work sent me up North for 2 weeks. While I was there I got my period... then the same day my boss came in and told me I was going to come up again in 2 weeks (right over my fertile window). I asked him if I could come up 2 days later than planned and he yelled at me and told me I didn't get to choose... safe to say I broke down crying for about 2 hours at work. And at a location where everyone is super hostile too (no friends). I ended up having to call my best friend to get it out of my system and I did succeed in making my boss feel horrible since he let me postpone by 1 day for the next trip... and that was the cycle I got my BFP...
TTC is one of the hardest things we have to do. Seriously. It's a huge struggle.1 -
@RhiannonBecks I have so been there crying over AF! *major hugs!* AF is bad enough on her own without the crushing disappointment of not being pregnant again and feeling like a failure. But you are not a failure. I like to remind myself that each cycle there is only a 20-30% chance of a positive. And I agree with @Kirstie155 that you can start testing your hormones for peace of mind. But while midwives specialize in delivering babies, reproductive endocrinologists specialize in fertility testing and treatments. So maybe your midwife is not the best person to go to for that? I'm considering seeing a fertility specialist doc if I hit next year without any progress. I am currently month 7 TTC. And, it's great that you are fixing up your house. Us too! Right now we are working on the outside.1
