Shes not disappointed, it also doesnt hinge on gifts, shes actually a very selfless person, shes been very lovely to my father, she took care of him when he had cancer and helped him do what he needed to do..

I think thats why it bothers me.. *I* wanted her to have a good christmas, i feel like i took away from that.
at 31 i should be passed this.. i shouldn't be struggling anymore. I just wanna be able to take care of myself. I wanna show up at christmas and have gifts and surprises for them. He's 60 now.. it's time i start doing things for him.. he's given me enough.

December 28 2017

---

Got a little more of my meal plan done.. although it may change since i have not tried any of these recipes and I don't know how many calories are in them. Soup is my go to food when i want filling options. But They look good, so i thought i would share a few pictures from the recipes I have picked for my first month of meal plan.. (Which may not start until february mind you lol)



Name is on the photo lol



Name is on the photo again.



Italian wedding soup



Italian Wedding soup pasta skillet



Jambalaya Soup



This was supposed to be Creamy garlic salmon pasta but the recipe apparently got removed.. so i found this one for Salmon fettuccine.

I found a bunch more recipes for the other days.. I am sure a lot of these will transfer over into march, since i will freeze left over servings.

I tend to alter recipes, so i can lower the calories in them.. It will be interesting to see how big the portions are/calories when i make them.

January 2 2018

---

I am very deeply depressed these days.

I feel like I'm really struggling with everything...

I put in my 30 days notice for my apartment because I just don't have enough time to find a job that's going to be able to pay the rent that I'm paying now and even if I did get a job there wouldn't be enough hours I would be able to work to pay it and there is nobody left for me to borrow money from if I couldn't get a job or pay my rent I would be on the hook for that $820 and it would just end up being another debt and it would end up being a negative reflection on my rental history which does not help me find a new place since my credit is already terrible and I'm going to need a co-signer to move

I put my 30-day notice in the day before yesterday and of course as soon as I did that my laptop decided it no longer wants to work anymore

Without a laptop I can't search for apartments and I can't search for jobs and I also can't start school in two days because my classes are online and I need a computer.

I've always known that I'm not a very good person.

I grew up to be a very distant person who really made an effort into pushing people out of my life... In fact I still do it

I am insecure and I don't know how to let someone care about me or love me and as a result as soon as they try to I become very impossible to be around

I become very irritable and angry and my personality becomes somebody that they don't want to have around and most likely over the years I have probably hurt a lot of people

I realize that a person like that doesn't deserve anything in life which is probably why at this point I have nothing left and I have been left with no way to restart my life

But it's not like I can just wake up today and not be that distant person

I always feel like nobody understands me... Like I'm the only person who's living in reality... Everybody else seems to think one issue is one issue or that everything has a fix or nothing is as doomed As It Seems

And maybe they're right to be so optimistic and trust me I've been trying since March I've tried I've tried to see things as that they could get better

But as things keep going through the months

First I lost my job... Then I lost all of my possessions... then I just started gaining weight and just can't seem to regain control because I feel like everything in my life is just swirling and I can't focus... so I cashed out my rrsp and was supposed to rebuild my life... Get a new place and use that money to purchase new furniture to put in it I had everything all picked out and then something happened and I had to put half the money I had set aside towards vet bills... I wasn't able to find an apartment because there wasn't anything available at the time due to students going back to school... And the remaining little bit of money that I had was used towards trying to help me survive at this apartment I'm in now while I struggled with these minimum wage jobs that couldn't help me make enough to live where I am... And then eventually I ran out of money

I still tried to remain positive

But as this month has started and as I realize that I'm not going to have enough money to bring any of the remaining things in my life with me besides what can fit inside of a car and that I was going to be moving into an apartment with nothing but a few boxes of my stuff and the mattress part off of my futon so that I didn't have to sleep directly on the floor... as I realize that while I'm still waiting to hear back from that nursing home job there's a good chance that because I really want this and it would change my life I probably won't get it because I really want it... Knowing that I'm going to have to go back to working a minimum-wage job and that I won't be able to even afford anything past paying my bills so that the apartment that I was going to end up living in could become something more than a bunch of boxes and a mattress on the floor

These realizations were heartbreaking for me but I was willing to accept it despite the tears and then of course today I wake up and my laptop just will not work anymore

When you only have 30 days to find an apartment had only so much time to get a job to pay for the new apartment you would want to move into... It just seemed like the Last Hope and prayer that I had to just do something to help myself was now taken away

I have no money to get it fixed... I have no friends who can lend me a laptop or possibly know anything about computers to fix my laptop...

I signed up for school to better my life so that this would not be my reality just shity jobs and no pay for the rest of my life but in order to better my life and get my high school credits I need a laptop and now that was taken away as well

Maybe I deserve all this... I don't know how much more I need to repay in life before I'm allowed to move back up in the world

There's only one thing left in my life now that they could take away from me and that would be my cat and if they take that cat away from me...

I will have no reason left to even wake up in the morning

I really honestly don't know what else to do

I have decided to delete.

Thank you all for trying to support.. maybe ill return later.. best wishes.