Im sorry Allen. It's a tough road to haul. Sadly I have been there and done that. So difficult to watch our parents failing. Hang in there.

Yea, it sucks! So I can empathize.

My mom probably has some dementia setting in also, but due to stupid HIPAA laws my sister and I can't get her tested to get her help with it (she has to 'self identify' (and she thinks she's fine) or harm herself or someone else before it can be done).

I'm dealing with my 84yo mother, who won't move (even though the house is too big for her and she really needs to be in assisted living), continues to drive (even though she doesn't see well), and lives 800+ miles away from me (FL) and my sister (NY). So, I'm on a mission to do monthly trips to her location to at least help her get her bills done (can't see to write or sign the checks properly), and buy crazy amounts of food so she doesn't have to leave the house too often. It's a challenge, but you have to do what you have to do.

allenpriest wrote: »

You have to get poa and other legal stuff while they are competent. My brother and I simply got to the point where dad couldn't manage the house and needed cataract surgery. After tge surgery we got the dic the tell dad he couldn't drive until the follow up visit (which was true). We moved him out of the house and didn't take him back for the follow up until after he was settled in assisted living. But I have seen folks have to get a guardianship to protect a parent.

He drove again after the surgery but we had to take the car away when he started treating stop signs as suggestions. I couldn't live with him running over a kid just because he resented the h--l out of losing the car. I've had friends take parts off engines so the car is "broken" and it doesn't get fixed until the parent gets into the facility.

It's hard.


He fell again last night

Very sorry to hear about your father.

When my Dad needed his mother to stop driving, he did something mechanical to the car so she could not drive anymore.
Eventually, he found it hard to deal with his siblings over the phone because they did not recognize the degree of her deficits. When he reached the end of his tether, he had them all show up to make a plan together to put her in a home.

d_thomas02, your Mom seems very strong (handing the keys over). The time I care for my parents was the most stressful, difficult and unbearable time of my life. My Mom made me promise to never put her in a nursing home, but when I could no longer physically lift her out of bed by myself, I had no choice. She passed away 7 weeks later.
If you can get someone to come over once a day, that would be ideal. Eventually, I had to hire full time caregivers to care for my Mom while I was at work.
Good luck to anyone going through this - as long as your loved ones. It's a tough road to haul.

beaglady wrote: »

My dad is 84 and has mild dementia. He still lives in his home, where my brother or I check on him regularly. We also have an agency come in daily to make sure he has taken his medications, has eaten, is wearing clean clothes, etc. He is adamant that he does not want to go to assisted living, so we are planning to keep him in his home as long as we can make it work.

He no longer drives, fortunately, and is happy eating microwaved food, so we don't have to worry about him cooking. Its still very challenging.

be careful with agency in home help. We "lost" a lot of things valuable and not from my parent's house. Wish we had taken precautions at the start and secured all the valuables and heirloom things before my Mom's dementia got bad. If your Dad's dementia is not bad yet, hopefully you have not lost much yet. My Mom's furs. The Silver. glasses? Lots of kitchen stuff. Clothes. Jewelry. etc... My nephews computer when he was staying over. etc...

Also I know it sounds sad but a nanny cam hidden will also open your eyes.

My mom has been in assisted living/memory care for 14 months. I was lucky she sold her house and moved in with me 5 years ago, so I didn't have to deal with the long distance care stuff, she is still in denial that there is anything wrong with her memory.

The four years she was in my house were the hardest ever. And the last nine months I had a caretaker during the day while I was at work. Then she quit and the company could not find a replacement willing to come out to "cow country" to care for her.

She has a better quality of live and round the clock supervision and care, and a social life now, that she didn't have while living in isolation on my farm. I'm blessed she has the financial resources to pay for her facility, and that the cost in this part of the country is lower than where she was living. She still asks me every single time she sees me when can she come home. I just tell her that she has to stay there til I retire, that she is not safe alone and I can't quit my job to be with her full time. I'm not quite immune to the question, but I'm getting there.

I joined a few Facebook online groups and one caretaker forum on another site for times when I have questions or just need to vent.

My Mom is 83 and just started dialysis a few months ago. Her retinas are bleeding and she needs shots in her eyes but has delayed getting treatment to deal with other issues. She has congestive heart failure and a bad valve that is scheduled to be replaced after they get her stable enough to do the stents they delayed because of a c.diff infection she got while in the hospital...

Dad is 88 and just had a pacemaker put in. Has been having TIA's too often and now the blood thinners are keeping him bruised and bloody. Both have their wits about them but it is hard watching them fall apart.

I work with both of them in a family business though Dad is really mostly retired. I say mostly because he doesn't think he is and he thinks he is really busy, but he isn't. LOL Mom is much more important. She is still our bookkeeper... We miss her more from a business perspective when she is out for extended periods.

I also work with my brother so the two of us get to share the trials and tribulations of watching our strong and proud parents fall apart. It seems both are destined to a death by a thousand cuts.

Whenever the phone rings at home, I almost assume something is wrong, especially if it is my sister. This isn't even mentioning the stress of my wife's elderly parents who rely on her for most of their care.

This is a difficult period for me and my wife, and my kids have their petty concerns and problems insulated from the weight and depth of the struggles we feel every day.

It is a tough time. Makes me think about life and death more than I'd like. I am a pretty positive person but I have to say this tests my resolve more than I could have imagined.

Good luck to all of us.

@Cavspider I wonder if your parents could benefit from a non-family member who could visit them twice a week to help them with their health. They might need more care than they are getting from dr visits. And it would take some weight off you.

My GF is searching for another facility to deal with her mother as the current home is no longer suitable. Interviewing facilities trying to balance cost vs appropriate level of care isn't fun.

So sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss Cavspider. It's a quick merciful way to go, there's that.