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I just can't break the "hurting myself" cycle

purplicious86purplicious86 Posts: 43Member Member Posts: 43Member Member
Hello all :)

Long time lurker and mostly a liker as supporter... First time poster here!

I have lost weight before, and once using this app. In fact, I lost 120 lbs and was at my lowest this time last year. Since then, I've gained back 40 lbs and I'm still gaining...

I have always struggled with eating - always scared it's my last good meal, I won't get more food, I'll be hungry, I'll be unsatisfied if I don't have enough food, etc. It was a eat now eat fast pace at dinner time when I was a kid. My entire family is overweight. We learned terrible eating habits.

I am an emotional eater. I eat because I feel bad, because I'm lonely, because I miss food, because it makes me feel good. I eat when I'm full. I eat myself beyond full.

I know what to do. I know how to lose. I just can't break the hurting myself cycle of shoveling food into my mouth and not thinking about it. I crave it, it calls me, it is all I can think about, I zero in and focus on it and have to have it. I just can't get past this and start losing again.

I self sabotage myself each day. I wake up with the best of intentions, I try really hard, then something derails me and suddenly I'm 2000 cals over my goal. :/

I don't know how to get myself out of this. I'm back up to 220 lbs and I HATE how I look, how I feel, I'm wasting so much money on bigger clothing, I feel uncomfortable and like a loser. How do I get out of this cycle? What can I do to break it for real?

Thank you for listening.

Replies

  • GamlielaGamliela Posts: 2,381Member Member Posts: 2,381Member Member
    Sounds like you are here and breaking out now! Welcome back.
  • purplicious86purplicious86 Posts: 43Member Member Posts: 43Member Member
    Definitely trying to! I really hope one day this cycle ends...
  • mysteps2beautymysteps2beauty Posts: 478Member Member Posts: 478Member Member
    I hear you. It may be time to get help from a counselor. This site is many things but is not everything. Sounds like an addiction and/learned behavior that routed deeply by the family origin. It’s admirable you’ve come this far. But like other addictions it’s a constant mental and emotional battle and the good feelings triggered by the food puts you in a constant conflicted state. So you just need to find another tool, a therapist who can help with triggers. You are doing the right thing, being here along with all your hard work,. Now it’s time to move next level.
    edited August 2018
  • clsumrall1clsumrall1 Posts: 456Member Member Posts: 456Member Member
    Very true well said
  • RunaMartiRunaMarti Posts: 108Member Member Posts: 108Member Member
    I hear you... I could post much the same thing. One thing that some people have found helpful is connecting with Overeaters Anonymous or Emotions Anonymous. I tried a couple different types of OA, but it wasn’t a good fit for me. If it is a money issue, though, the fact that they are free - or on donations as able - is a great help for many! I just couldn’t sit and constantly call myself an overeater a dozen times each meeting without triggering some other deep issues, so I had to walk away from it. I could not reconcile the desire to no longer want to overeat with the reality that I was constantly declaring myself an overeater. For some, it is freeing, for me, it was a barrier. Everyone has to find what works for them.

    One thing I have been exploring is an emotional food diary... keeping track of not only what you eat, but why and whether or not you notice if food is being used as fuel or a “drug of choice”. I eat when I am sad, when I am despressed, when I am nervous, as a reward, as a punishment... on and on... and I have had years of therapy. Lately I have switched to listening to life coaches podcasts on weight loss and engaging here in MFP.

    I wish you the best at finding what works for you!!!
  • misssararaemisssararae Posts: 23Member Member Posts: 23Member Member
    Girl, I hear you on how expensive therapy can be. I'm in a really similar situation where I lost 58lbs in 2016 then I had a big life event that totally derailed me mid-2017 and I've been struggling hard ever since. I gained back 25lbs before I even got to my long term goal. When I lost the 58lbs I still had a long term goal of 80lbs total. I was soooo hard on myself because I was so close to my goal and then I started doing the horrible yo-yo thing. I'd be full Keto for a month and drop weight, then binge for a couple months, then back at it, then binging, then back at it. I was always 0 to 100 and once I knocked that crap off I actually feel like I've got things more in control. Counseling really helped me break through a lot of the mental hurdles I was having, though. I wish you all the best and know that you can get through this!
  • clsumrall1clsumrall1 Posts: 456Member Member Posts: 456Member Member
    YouSpeak such truth :)
  • Dancer0515Dancer0515 Posts: 6Member, Premium Member Posts: 6Member, Premium Member
    I think life is difficult.. i also am an emotional eater! I gained 70 pounds in 2 years!!! Back in the day i used to work out 6 times a week and push myself .. i have depression and anxiety so it helped. However everytime i looked in the mirror i hated myself. Since meeting my husband.. i have been working 2 jobs and in school completed my masters. The weight has creeped up because i realize im not taking time for myself.

    I jist started the keto and feel good about it. I had a small cheat lile mouse yesterday and it didnt make a difference.

    Try flexible dieting..
    Create a macro count ..
    Calorie deficit.
    You can eat things but in smaller portions

    Or.. meditation. I use you tube videos ay night to calm my mind.. and destress.

    I also journal to write down my thoughts .. i find it makes me remember the reason i am doing keto.

    I dont hate myself .. i just want to be heslthy and fit into my old clothes. Remember you need to love yourself and as much horrible things occur you gotta love yourself enough to put yourself first and keep yourself healthy!! Plus my husband likes me with my curves
    He said when he met me i was too thin and i look exhausted from not sleeping and i wouldnt eat anything!! Haha

    Good luck girl!!
  • hannahm120hannahm120 Posts: 6Member Member Posts: 6Member Member
    purplicious86, by choosing to open yourself up to us strangers, you're taking a step forward to break the cycle. As you said, you know how to lose the weight. It's so much more than that. It's feeling shame around what we put in our bodies and how they look. To make it worse, everyone can see our biggest fault.

    People turn to illicit substances, gambling, unhealthy relationships, and any number of other things to temporarily change the way they feel. Some of us turn to food. Emotional eating is a symptom of emotional disregulation. Without addressing why we default to unhealthy eating patterns, everything else is just a band-aid. We have to let it bleed! What I mean is dive into the wound, whether it was food insecurity at some point, an overly critical mother, turning to food for comfort or distraction from our own negativity, bad family habits, or something else all together. Please find support and a safe place to do this self-exploration. It could be with a partner, good friends, or a professional mental health counselor. No matter what diet or exercise plan you religiously follow without doing this hard work, you'll just be treating the symptom.

    Personally, I tried to duplicate what I thought successful people had because if I was able to then I'd be happy, right? Well the degrees, fancy job title, abs, house, and wonderful husband were all just temporary highs. It wasn't until my stubborn self found help that I was able to make real change within. Now I'm able to break the self-loathing cycle, to continue to make progress when I have a lapse, without hating myself.
  • ShannCanShannCan Posts: 9Member, Premium Member Posts: 9Member, Premium Member
    Work on all that dialogue inside your head. I say this as someone who’s struggles just got echoed in your post. The vast majority of what you talked about is happening to you mentally, not physically.
    Redirect your thoughts. Interrupt them. Say something out loud if you have to. Find a mantra ... “I deserve better than that” etc. and really praise yourself when you make good choices! “Yass girl!” “See I knew you could do it!” .... don’t let the only talk be negative <3
    edited November 2018
  • butterfly92086butterfly92086 Posts: 1Member Member Posts: 1Member Member
    jessicalys wrote: »
    I've been reading a lot on Mindful Eating (a lot of the articles are from the MFP blog). This has been helping me a lot when I feel out of control. I also downloaded the In The Moment app. It's such a simple tool, you use it when you feel like you want to eat. Every time. You mark if you are hungry or not, and it takes you through a few more questions. If your answers suggest that you're going to eat due to emotions and not to hunger, it prompts you to use some coping skills instead of eating. I also have stopped "dieting". I am following the If It Fits Your Macros (IIFYM) plan so that I can eat what I want when I want. I am currently in a calorie deficit since I want to lose weight. When I reach my goal weight, I will still track my food and stay within my macros; however, I will be at maintenance level of calories.

    Mindful Eating, In The Moment app, as well as choosing a way of eating plan that is for life instead of a "temporary diet" have been super helpful to me over the last 3 months. Prior to that, I had been on a decline over the past year and had gained back 42 of the 78lbs I had worked so hard to lose the year before. I have lost 20lbs in the last two months (so 54lbs total lost) and finally feel in control of my nutritional goals.

    Thank you so much for this app suggestion I just bought it now.

    I stopped using mfp and gained more weight and I cant seem to stop. I feel so bloated and stuffed and nothing fits.

    Coming on here and seeing everyones comments ❤❤❤

    I hope the app helps and thank you!!
  • lindsayann135lindsayann135 Posts: 11Member, Premium Member Posts: 11Member, Premium Member
    @RunaMarti what podcasts? That sounds interesting/helpful
  • VeggiGirl75VeggiGirl75 Posts: 14Member Member Posts: 14Member Member
    I think for me one reason is, I don’t want the male attention because of issues in my past . When I’m fit and looking my best I sabotage myself as soon as I get to that point.
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