Fear and loathing on the 10 pound journey
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steve0mania
Posts: 2,966 Member
Has anyone else recognized this behavior in themselves?
I "successfully" completed the 10 pound challenge, and took off a few extra pounds to finally (after years) get back to my personal target weight of 130. Now, after a few weeks/months of getting to my target, I see myself slowly drifting back upwards again. Today, for example, I'm at 134.4. When I look at my daily weight chart, it's clear I'm slowly drifting back up.
If I were using my rational brain, I'd say that this should be a kick in the rear end to get myself back on my plan and take those few pounds back off. Indeed, I start each day with that idea in mind.
However, by the time the evening rolls around, I instead find myself rationalizing reasons to have an extra snack, perhaps a glass of bourbon, or whatever. This leads to gaining weight, and then beating myself up for it in the morning. But...that seems to lead to the same cycle of giving up on things by the end of the day. Indeed, it feels like the further I move away from my target, the more I rationalize self-destructive behavior.
I just don't get it.
It's like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can't keep the weight off or something.
I "successfully" completed the 10 pound challenge, and took off a few extra pounds to finally (after years) get back to my personal target weight of 130. Now, after a few weeks/months of getting to my target, I see myself slowly drifting back upwards again. Today, for example, I'm at 134.4. When I look at my daily weight chart, it's clear I'm slowly drifting back up.
If I were using my rational brain, I'd say that this should be a kick in the rear end to get myself back on my plan and take those few pounds back off. Indeed, I start each day with that idea in mind.
However, by the time the evening rolls around, I instead find myself rationalizing reasons to have an extra snack, perhaps a glass of bourbon, or whatever. This leads to gaining weight, and then beating myself up for it in the morning. But...that seems to lead to the same cycle of giving up on things by the end of the day. Indeed, it feels like the further I move away from my target, the more I rationalize self-destructive behavior.
I just don't get it.
It's like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can't keep the weight off or something.
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Yeah. I do all that.
Except...I stopped beating myself up over it. It's a bit counterintuitive, but I have learned that being kind to myself about it slows the cycle perpetuation.
If only kindness stopped the process.1 -
Steve @steveOmania I read your post thought a minute then read it again slowly thinking to myself I could have written your post almost word for word.
I woke up yesterday did my normal WI knowing before I stepped on the scale that I would most likely top 312 lbs and sure enough I weighed in at 312.4 lbs.
For the life of me I don't get it either. This is not a statement of misery loves company it all about what the h*%l am I thinking. I have all the professionals at my disposal of which I'm fully meeting and utilizing but yet I keep let my weigh creep up a little at a time like a fog creeping in during the night.
Then this happens this morning where I wake up down a little bit starting over again to get the same 10 lbs off I took off last May when the drop 10lbs challenge started. I've actually lost count as to how many times I've lost the 10 lbs.
So this morning I must confess I've been battling depression being down etc; So one of my professionals I'll be visiting this afternoon and I'll be confronting this behavior once again.
So no your not the only one that fights these behavior traits. I will say it's comforting to get this conversation out in the open and off my chest. Lord knows I can't let myself go because that's certain self destruction. I had a very rough personal family event take place over the weekend which I'm pretty sure effected my behavior and something I can't go into. So moving forward I tale up the challenge yet another day.0 -
Thanks, gents, for your replies. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one. I do need to work on the "not beating myself" up thing, for sure.
I think one of the other psychologic aspects that contributes to this feeling of throwing myself down the stairs is that one "bad-day" of eating can easily cause a significant jump in my weight. In contrast, one "good-day" of eating doesn't seem to help much! To see weight loss, I need to start stringing multiple "good-days" together. So, it's hard to get the positive reinforcement of good-behavior that I want without having pre-committed to the time it will take (days to weeks) to see the scale begin to move.
To @imastar2's point, there is a deep emotional aspect to this as well. I'm generally a pretty positive person, but this whole COVID thing has really dragged on me. I'm ok with the quarantining, the increased care and safe-behaviors we all need to exhibit. However, as we read the news of a new viral strain that may not be as well protected against by the current crop of vaccines, the still high case-rate in many states, the fact that there are still people spreading wildly false information, etc., that I start to feel the weight of the ongoing pandemic as having no end. That gives me the blues.
Anyway, glad to have some support on this. Thanks.1 -
A couple of thoughts Steve. We are still mostly focused on pounding the square weight loss peg into the comfy living round hole. Is there another route? As Charlie is back, I’ll paraphrase his post that made such an impression on me- in the big picture we’re just trying to learn to live with some reasonable limits. For me I found that idea frees me from most of the self reproach. I’m just living with a body designed to store calories for the hard times to come. But as the hard times have not arrived for me, so I need to learn to live with some limits or gain weight. It’s a good problem to have.
We can’t weigh 170 lbs living a 180 lb life. Can’t happen, its the laws of physics or biology. Maybe instead of looking at what you want to weigh at this point, try looking at how you want to live. Maybe GW just isn’t compatible . But if your range is 130-140 lbs, the answer may be as simple at 135. For now at least.
But if the project now is a matter of finding and living with some compromises, what accommodations can you make and actually live with. A plan we won’t follow is not a good plan. Can you make a livable plan compatible with a goal of 130lbs? It looks to me like you need to find about 1000 calories per week to reallocate to treats. My plan uses about 15-20% for daily indulgences. I make no apologies. Can you find numbers that work? If not, can you make the numbers work at 135lbs? 5 lbs over ideal wt is better than 10lbs. If you can find a happy home there for now maybe you can try lower later.
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I keep coming back to this post, but I'm just not sure what I think about it.
I'm stuck on the word fear. If I fear goal, it's my ability to stay there w/I the reward of a moving scale. Not sure if that's the case or not.
I'm definitely discouraged by the lack of response to a good day vs. the quick response to a bad day.
I appreciate all your thoughts and have nothing really of any value to this discussion, but will continue to ponder it 🤔1 -
Great additional thoughts!
@88olds, your point about living in a particular way rather than at a particular weight. In principle I agree, and I used to like to requote Brian (CSURamFan) who once suggested that we should develop a way of eating that we are comfortable with, and consequently live at the weight that that particular eating style provides.
From my perspective, I firmly believe that having some chips or alcohol every night is not a healthy lifestyle. I know when I cut those out, I tend to drop my weight somewhat easily. Likewise, I am clear that I am not actually hungry an hour or two after dinner. Instead, I'm "snacky." When I'm on top of things, I can substitute a cup of tea for snacks/alcohol. When I'm not on top of things, I choose those things that are not so healthy.
I guess the last part of that is the slippery-slope argument. Right now it's no problem to keep my weight below 135. However, if I accept this weight as the new-norm, I worry that it's just a bit more snacking that gets me to 140, then 145, etc...
So, it may be bashing a square peg into a round hole, but (at the moment) I would rather hit a target weight that helps me to feel good about myself (and fit into all of my clothes, rather than most of my clothes) than eat extra snacks and drinks.2 -
I’ve got some thoughts on this, but I’m still mulling this over.0
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I had a lengthy response typed . . . and lost it.1
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First, “you are not alone” - as others here have already told you.
What was going through my mind as I read your post was “If we can believe that we all have a little spark of God in us (however you define that), doesn’t it make sense to assume we all have a little bit of devil in us?” Certainly we’ve all seen the idea of the good angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other in cartoons, commercials, etc.
I knew there was a phrase for it, and looking up that phrase brought me to its origins in “The Imp Of The Perverse” by Edgar Allan Poe. Google that for some interesting discussions about the manifestations of this. The basic tenet of that story/essay is that we all have something in us that pushes us away from our rational or best interests and into self-destructive activity. It’s the “fear and loathing” when on a precipice or high building that you MIGHT throw yourself over even if you don’t WANT to throw yourself over.
Certainly I’ve seen it myself. A good weigh-in opens the door to thoughts of the freedoms I can now take with that weight loss. Never mind that it could also serve as a launching pad for more progress; that imp is pushing me to see “what can I get away with?” Maybe it’s a glass of wine for you, or onion rings for me, or an Apple fritter for Count Curt. Regardless, I think we all have a bit of devil or demon or imp streak in us. For that imp, rationalization is a more valuable tool than an opposable thumb.
You are not alone. 😊1 -
@crewahl, the Jewish version of the angel and devil on your shoulders (I always think of Animal House) is the yetzer hatov and the yetzer hara, known as the good inclination and evil inclination, respectively. Rather than these being external influences, they are internal influences that we all have.
Part of Jewish personal improvement is to work to master the yetzer hara. Obviously, it's a never-ending war, but there are some battles we win (and some we lose). One example, for me, are bacon cheeseburgers. Before I kept kosher, one of my favorite foods was a bacon cheeseburger. Obviously these are not-kosher, and so I had to quickly battle and triumph over my yetzer hara in this desire. Indeed, I never have a craving for that food any longer.
So, I guess looking at my ability to throw myself down the rest of the stairs as another aspect of the yetzer hara is a valuable strategy. Certainly that helps me recognize just how pervasive, and sneaky, the yetzer hara is and to also recognize that the yetzer hara is really good at finding your weak-parts!1 -
Interesting. Looks like we have gone in opposite directions Steve. I’ve done all I can to make weight loss about anything other than character. On the Motivation board I usually post that weight loss is only an exercise in problem solving. Has nothing to do with me as a person.
I had a running debate with a psychologist friend about stress. I was arguing that our near constant complaint about stress was overblown. Finally, in exasperation, he asked me something like- do you have any idea how hard your brain has to work to drive a car on the expressway? End of debate. Our brains aren’t designed to deal with all the stuff we throw at them in the modern world. Similarly our bodies are not suite to our times. Mother Nature didn’t contemplate all this food. Just a matter of finding and living with a few tweaks here and there. I was only determined enough to get to goal at the top of my healthy BMI. The rest is just persistence. I’m a lot better at persistence. Good luck.1
