You can't help who you're attracted to, right?
toots99
Posts: 3,794 Member
So I've been seeing this guy for just a few weeks. He's really nice and we have a lot in common. The bad thing is, I'm not attracted to him. I feel like a terrible person for saying that. I've tried to wait it out, to see if that will change. The last guy I was with, I didn't really find him physically attractive at first, then once we took things further, that changed and I couldn't get enough of him. Even now, I get "twirly" ( :laugh: ) if I let myself think about him. But this new guy and I have gotten pretty close (not as close as the last guy and I got, but close enough), and I just don't feel that way. And I can tell he's way into me. I also think that he might be the kind of person that would let me just take over, and I don't really like that. I like someone who will push back when I push, know what I mean? I don't want everything to always be up to me...I don't want to be the guy in the relationship! :laugh:
I just don't know what to do or how to do it or what to say to him...I don't want to hurt his feelings. :frown:
Advice?
I just don't know what to do or how to do it or what to say to him...I don't want to hurt his feelings. :frown:
Advice?
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Replies
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Honesty is always the best policy but I'd make SURE you don't think you can ever find him sexually attractive before being honest. There will probably be no going back. I personally think physicial attraction is low on the requirements list but everyone is different. Good luck!0
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Tell him to f*** off, he's going to say:
I know it because I'm like that.
So you don't want to hurt his feelings? Tell him you're lesbian or something. I don't know, I think it's impossible to not hurt him anyway if he is into you (especially because it would seem he's doing all the chase).
Tough moment in one's life, I agree - but I'd say go for it and let him know you don't feel the attraction anymore or some lie like that. Better earlier than later.0 -
You're going to hurt his feelings. Do it now rather than later though if you're 100% sure. Just tell him you're not interested in pursuing something right now. Keep it simple but leave no ambiguity.0
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Yes. You need to tell him. If you are sure it is not going anywhere, then you just need to let him know. It will hurt less now than it will later if you let this continue.0
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Well said.You're going to hurt his feelings. Do it now rather than later though if you're 100% sure. Just tell him you're not interested in pursuing something right now. Keep it simple but leave no ambiguity.0 -
I'd go with... Be honest and up front about your feelings. Its always better that way.0
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You're just not into him!! Let him go! :flowerforyou:0
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Tell him,it is the fair thing for both of you.0
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You have to end things before his feelings develop further. But you also shouldn't be so blunt to tell him he's not attractive.0
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Just give it to him straight up, we men get rejected all the time, we'll be fine. Say that you don't think things will work out because you're just not into him that way, don't BS (but don't be mean about it either). Whatever you do to try to spare his feelings will probably eventually make it more difficult.0
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I'm (mostly) with the others, in that you should probably free him to find someone else. But I'm not sure you should tell him why, because that’s not a something he can change. Someone else might find him super hot.
That said, it *is* possible to build physical attraction for someone who is otherwise perfect but in today's day and age most people are looking for fireworks.
I can send you a link about a guy whose mom AND step mom weren’t attracted to his dad and how step mom eventually grew to desire dad sexually. No man really wants that, though (which is why the son was asking, “How can I avoid having this happen to me?”)0 -
I'm (mostly) with the others, in that you should probably free him to find someone else. But I'm not sure you should tell him why, because that’s not a something he can change. Someone else might find him super hot.
That said, it *is* possible to build physical attraction for someone who is otherwise perfect but in today's day and age most people are looking for fireworks.
I can send you a link about a guy whose mom AND step mom weren’t attracted to his dad and how step mom eventually grew to desire dad sexually. No man really wants that, though (which is why the son was asking, “How can I avoid having this happen to me?”)
Agreed. Leave physical attraction out of it. Nothing worse than to be told you're not physically attractive.
And that said, I want a woman who wants to jump my bones every time she sees me and vice versa.. the building up to it doesn't make any sense to me.0 -
I personally think physicial attraction is low on the requirements list but everyone is different. Good luck!
I agree that many other things are more important, but here's the thing about physical attraction: whether it's low or high on the requirements list, it's still a requirement. Without it, a romantic relationship cannot succeed.
As shallow as it seems on paper, if you're not physically into the guy, it's not going to work, and it's better for both of you if you end it now. If he really likes you, there is no way to spare his feelings.0 -
Attraction isn't a choice.
Though I sense that this lack of attraction stems more from personality/behavioral issues than pure physicality.0 -
I want a woman who wants to jump my bones every time she sees me and vice versa.. the building up to it doesn't make any sense to me.
In the spirit of disclosure, the dad in this case never knew his wife wasn't interested (though he did find out his ex was never attracted to him). So why did she marry him? Well, she did what most women do when they come across a "good catch" that will "take good care of them." They pretend to be all hot for the guy, and pretend to be whatever he likes until she snags him. Then, after the rings go on, the facade falls off and he wonders, 'What on earth did I marry."
The good news story in this case is that she recognized him as being a good MAN, not just a good catch. Sex wasn’t top of her priority list. Being with a good man was. And his treating her well eventually built up that desire. So this is what she told the son, anyway.
I’ll look for the link when I get home.0 -
Honesty is always the best policy but I'd make SURE you don't think you can ever find him sexually attractive before being honest. There will probably be no going back. I personally think physicial attraction is low on the requirements list but everyone is different. Good luck!
I don't think looks are everything, but if I don't want to be physical with someone, then (for lack of a better way of putting it) what's the point?0 -
You have to end things before his feelings develop further. But you also shouldn't be so blunt to tell him he's not attractive.
Oh I'd never say that! And it's not that he's not attractive, but just not to me. I'm not so stuck on myself that I think everyone finds me attractive.0 -
I'm (mostly) with the others, in that you should probably free him to find someone else. But I'm not sure you should tell him why, because that’s not a something he can change. Someone else might find him super hot.
That's what I mean. I'd never say that to him, that's not nice.That said, it *is* possible to build physical attraction for someone who is otherwise perfect but in today's day and age most people are looking for fireworks.
I get that, totally. But is it fair to him to "wait" while I build up attraction towards him?0 -
And that said, I want a woman who wants to jump my bones every time she sees me and vice versa.. the building up to it doesn't make any sense to me.
Yes, that please! I don't think I'd want to be with someone who wasn't 100% into being intimate with me.0 -
Attraction isn't a choice.
Though I sense that this lack of attraction stems more from personality/behavioral issues than pure physicality.
It's that as well. It's about 50-50.0 -
Tell him you are a heroin addict and really need his support to get through it, then throw up on him.0
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I am annoyed by him and I don't even know him.
The Nice Guy Defined
While the nice guy is an agreeable person, he's got no control over his life. He allows women to come into his life, he agrees with them on everything, and hopes and prays that these women will like him for being so agreeable. It's so important for women to like him, so he's Mr. Agreeable.
Mr. Agreeable never gets the girl. He never gets the second date after the first because he's boring. What being so agreeable tells a woman is that you do not have enough self-respect to stand up to your own values. You don't think enough of yourself to own your identity, so you become accommodating, inoffensive and boring. You become the boring nice guy nobody wants to date. When you’re attracted to a woman, you do everything you can to please her. She's got a cold? You’ll bring her cold medicine. She tells you she's got a headache tonight? You drive her home. She tells you that she can't see you this weekend, you'll say, “Oh, that's OK. We'll get together whenever you're ready.” You don't have a plan. You're wishy-washy on everything you do. You're Mr. Whatever-You-Want-To-Do.
Read more: http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/608_why-do-nice-guys-finish-last.html#ixzz1tGwUiKX00 -
I am annoyed by him and I don't even know him.
The Nice Guy Defined
While the nice guy is an agreeable person, he's got no control over his life. He allows women to come into his life, he agrees with them on everything, and hopes and prays that these women will like him for being so agreeable. It's so important for women to like him, so he's Mr. Agreeable.
Mr. Agreeable never gets the girl. He never gets the second date after the first because he's boring. What being so agreeable tells a woman is that you do not have enough self-respect to stand up to your own values. You don't think enough of yourself to own your identity, so you become accommodating, inoffensive and boring. You become the boring nice guy nobody wants to date. When you’re attracted to a woman, you do everything you can to please her. She's got a cold? You’ll bring her cold medicine. She tells you she's got a headache tonight? You drive her home. She tells you that she can't see you this weekend, you'll say, “Oh, that's OK. We'll get together whenever you're ready.” You don't have a plan. You're wishy-washy on everything you do. You're Mr. Whatever-You-Want-To-Do.
Read more: http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/608_why-do-nice-guys-finish-last.html#ixzz1tGwUiKX0
Wow! Thanks for that! I almost brought her some cold medicine! That B*tch can get her *kitten* out of bed and get her own damn cold medicine. . I've got porn to download!0 -
This is kind of the situation that I was in earlier and that I describe in my thread. The guy I was seeing was awesome but when he kissed me on the cheek it was awkward. He's not a model or anything, but he is attractive to me. Problem is I couldn't see myself sexually attracted to him and I think that is part of why I freaked out.
I would just try and end things because you want someone you will have sexual chemistry with too!0 -
I am annoyed by him and I don't even know him.
The Nice Guy Defined
While the nice guy is an agreeable person, he's got no control over his life. He allows women to come into his life, he agrees with them on everything, and hopes and prays that these women will like him for being so agreeable. It's so important for women to like him, so he's Mr. Agreeable.
Mr. Agreeable never gets the girl. He never gets the second date after the first because he's boring. What being so agreeable tells a woman is that you do not have enough self-respect to stand up to your own values. You don't think enough of yourself to own your identity, so you become accommodating, inoffensive and boring. You become the boring nice guy nobody wants to date. When you’re attracted to a woman, you do everything you can to please her. She's got a cold? You’ll bring her cold medicine. She tells you she's got a headache tonight? You drive her home. She tells you that she can't see you this weekend, you'll say, “Oh, that's OK. We'll get together whenever you're ready.” You don't have a plan. You're wishy-washy on everything you do. You're Mr. Whatever-You-Want-To-Do.
Read more: http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/608_why-do-nice-guys-finish-last.html#ixzz1tGwUiKX0
Never be that guy!0 -
And that said, I want a woman who wants to jump my bones every time she sees me and vice versa.. the building up to it doesn't make any sense to me.
This!!! i don't understand it either... I can see how my attraction could GROW but not just pop up suddenly because time has passed by.
I either want you or don't and this is established early on.
With Smiley, it's physically obvious (to me) how excited he makes me just by being close to him. And I said this before but he's gotten physically excited just by sitting next to me on my couch. It's HOT!
I once read this guys description about this very thing. He is married and he said how attraction is very important and it should be there from the beginning. (I agree) He went on to say how a certain morning after a HUGE fight with his wife in which he was still very pissed off at her for, she was reaching for something in the closet in a t shirt and panties (nothing special) and he still got very sexually excited for her regardless of how pissed/ upset he was at her.
I didn't have this with my ex. I didn't want to jump his bones unless I was already turned on..0 -
This!!! i don't understand it either... I can see how my attraction could GROW but not just pop up suddenly because time has passed by.
I have a friend this happened with. When I first started hanging out with his crowd, I was seeing someone. And this guy looked nothing like my super hot boyfriend. But over time he was so great to me that I really, REALLY, became attracted to him. Good thing by then I’d broken up with my boyfriend, lol!0 -
Has happened to me as well. Be honest the longer you wait the more hurt he is going to be0
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Wow! Thanks for that! I almost brought her some cold medicine! That B*tch can get her *kitten* out of bed and get her own damn cold medicine. . I've got porn to download!
:laugh:0 -
I am annoyed by him and I don't even know him.
The Nice Guy Defined
While the nice guy is an agreeable person, he's got no control over his life. He allows women to come into his life, he agrees with them on everything, and hopes and prays that these women will like him for being so agreeable. It's so important for women to like him, so he's Mr. Agreeable.
Mr. Agreeable never gets the girl. He never gets the second date after the first because he's boring. What being so agreeable tells a woman is that you do not have enough self-respect to stand up to your own values. You don't think enough of yourself to own your identity, so you become accommodating, inoffensive and boring. You become the boring nice guy nobody wants to date. When you’re attracted to a woman, you do everything you can to please her. She's got a cold? You’ll bring her cold medicine. She tells you she's got a headache tonight? You drive her home. She tells you that she can't see you this weekend, you'll say, “Oh, that's OK. We'll get together whenever you're ready.” You don't have a plan. You're wishy-washy on everything you do. You're Mr. Whatever-You-Want-To-Do.
Read more: http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_600/608_why-do-nice-guys-finish-last.html#ixzz1tGwUiKX0
The thing that pisses me off is that this has become the definition of a nice guy.
It is the description of an insecure and somewhat emotionally immature guy,not a decent,caring one.0
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