Help me understand women(be honest)!
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Gionni
Posts: 77 Member
Ok I need HELP understand how to deal with women. I am 30 and dated (or hooked with) a good number of women. When I was younger it was just a numbers game. I would pursue a lot of women rather aggressively until someone bit. This practice didn't really require much understanding of women .. It was just a matter of talking to as many people as you could and eventually you would find someone to tolerate me.
Fast Forward 7 years and now my tastes are different. I am not satisfied by "conquering" a ton of women anymore.! I'm actually looking for quality and I'm terrible at it. I spend way to much time trying to figure how to deal with the women that I meet. I don't necessarily have a problem meeting and identifying women that are attracted to me .. It's the stuff that comes after the initial meeting that I suck at! My friends say that I am great when a woman is in front of me but once we separate we always find a way to mess it up!
Here are my problems. I don't know when is the right time to call the first time . I have tried all the "theories" (waiting anywhere from 1-7 days) which it always seems to be too earlier for them and appears to be a immediate deal breaker. If I somehow get past the intital call/text phase I usually get killed by the next phase ....making plans. I do fine on the phone BUT I have a huge problem with women standing me up or cancelling plans last minute. Out of the 20 or so dates I planned in the last year only like 4 happened.
Lastly I don't understand how to properly express my desire to get to know her better without totally ruining everything. I have tried all approaches including "being forward" and acting like I don't care. I know you're gonna say "Everyone is different" so I'm gonna call bull**** in advance and point out the fact that the people that seem to be the most successful use the same formula and it works everytime! I spend time talking to each person and try different approaches based on the scenerio. I even tried the "George from Seinfeld" approach of doing the EXACT opposite of what I should do. I try to be myself but that always fails... I tried honesty but that always fails .. I tried lying and that seems worked better but ultimately FAILS! My high failure rate , when I am trying to legitimately date a girl , has led me to try and accurate the situation (aka try to hook up immediately). This is mainly because I usually fail , so why not try to get something out of it while it's still hot? I know this is bad because interactions like this lead no way.
Anyway I need help ... I have a willingness to change and accept feedback !!
Fast Forward 7 years and now my tastes are different. I am not satisfied by "conquering" a ton of women anymore.! I'm actually looking for quality and I'm terrible at it. I spend way to much time trying to figure how to deal with the women that I meet. I don't necessarily have a problem meeting and identifying women that are attracted to me .. It's the stuff that comes after the initial meeting that I suck at! My friends say that I am great when a woman is in front of me but once we separate we always find a way to mess it up!
Here are my problems. I don't know when is the right time to call the first time . I have tried all the "theories" (waiting anywhere from 1-7 days) which it always seems to be too earlier for them and appears to be a immediate deal breaker. If I somehow get past the intital call/text phase I usually get killed by the next phase ....making plans. I do fine on the phone BUT I have a huge problem with women standing me up or cancelling plans last minute. Out of the 20 or so dates I planned in the last year only like 4 happened.
Lastly I don't understand how to properly express my desire to get to know her better without totally ruining everything. I have tried all approaches including "being forward" and acting like I don't care. I know you're gonna say "Everyone is different" so I'm gonna call bull**** in advance and point out the fact that the people that seem to be the most successful use the same formula and it works everytime! I spend time talking to each person and try different approaches based on the scenerio. I even tried the "George from Seinfeld" approach of doing the EXACT opposite of what I should do. I try to be myself but that always fails... I tried honesty but that always fails .. I tried lying and that seems worked better but ultimately FAILS! My high failure rate , when I am trying to legitimately date a girl , has led me to try and accurate the situation (aka try to hook up immediately). This is mainly because I usually fail , so why not try to get something out of it while it's still hot? I know this is bad because interactions like this lead no way.
Anyway I need help ... I have a willingness to change and accept feedback !!
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~ How about you lose words like " conquer " and " deal " ... and when making a statement like this : " I spend way to much time trying to figure how to deal with the women that I meet. " ... You already know what your issues are ...
Why not just be you ??? Why try to find a formula to land a fish that you can't hook ??????
Listen ... when you meet that special lady and trust me ... you'll know her as soon as you meet her ... let nature take it's course ! If a guy waited 7 days to contact me after a first date .... well, he's already history ! Not sure what plans you were attempting to make ... but how about just taking it one day at a time ???
I am pretty certain you will find what your looking for ... when you finally stop looking !
Best of luck my friend ... and always remember ... patience is a virtue !
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Here are my problems. I don't know when is the right time to call the first time . I have tried all the "theories" (waiting anywhere from 1-7 days) which it always seems to be too earlier for them and appears to be a immediate deal breaker. If I somehow get past the intital call/text phase I usually get killed by the next phase ....making plans. I do fine on the phone BUT I have a huge problem with women standing me up or cancelling plans last minute. Out of the 20 or so dates I planned in the last year only like 4 happened.
I'm afraid I can't help you out with most of that, but one thing comes to mind when I read the above.
A lot of people have trouble saying no, even if they really want to say no. For some people, that doesn't make sense, but for others it is a huge problem.
Also, not saying this is you, but sometimes people have trouble reading signs that the girl is not interested, and they keep pressing. I know this guy who after meeting one time, point blank asked me to hang out. It was not something I was interested in and I kind of avoided answering the question. He kept asking and asking and never took a hint. I normally say don't read into things but if I were you, I would really consider the conversations you are having with women and read between the lines in what they say, so you don't ask them out, they say yes and later stand you up to avoid saying no. I'm not sure if that is the situation but really think about what is happening.
Lastly, just curious - what kind of women are you pursuing? Your age? Younger? Live near you or long distance?0 -
Thanks !! I was using powerful words to try and get my point across .. Sorry if I offended !0
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I do it all now ... Online ..offline ... Whatever ! I even tried dating long distance ... I have no age issues unless it's an old lady
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I think it would benefit both of you if you two would start out as good friends before you decide to date her. Friendship builds a solid foundation & by then you will get to know that girl more.
Don't rush things out especially when you have just met the girl.0 -
Another poster in a different thread on Single Peeps was talking about Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach, and in one of his columns, he referred to an OkCupid column that says race does affect who writes you back. I'm not sure what type of women you are contacting but it could have something to do it with.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/
The original Evan Marc Katz column: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-tried-everything-and-online-dating-is-still-not-working/
ETA - In another thread, I said it is important to date someone within your own age range, and I'll add that I think it is important to date within a few years of your age range. In your case, I would say 28-32.0 -
Thanks !! I was using powerful words to try and get my point across .. Sorry if I offended !
Dear friend ...
I was not offended ... but understand, those are no where near " powerful " words ! If you want to use power words .. think positive !
If I could wish anything upon you .. it would be to relax and just enjoy life ! :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks !! I was using powerful words to try and get my point across .. Sorry if I offended !
Dear friend ...
I was not offended ... but understand, those are no where near " powerful " words ! If you want to use power words .. think positive !
If I could wish anything upon you .. it would be to relax and just enjoy life ! :flowerforyou:
The word conquer sounds pretty powerful to me... Those words were used to get a point across and were spoken from the perspective of someone that is young. They are also me being honest ...and trying to drum up some interest in the story !
Me relax ?! Never!!! But I do have A LOT of fun ! I travel the world for a living 0 -
why are you trying to "deal with" women. :laugh: we aren't a clogged drain or sprained ankle, we're not the enemy, we're human beings. how do you deal with human beings? you talk to them and get to know them. i can almost guarantee you that if you're looking at women as something to deal with then you aren't going to do very well with many women.
when to call - the only time most women are going to hold it against a guy for calling too soon is if she wasnt really into him to begin with. if that's what you're running into, then move on. those ladies probably didnt have the guts to be honest with you and say thanks but no thanks, so you're probably better off not chasing them.
cancelling plans and standing you up. - OK I think you might need to start looking at the type of women you are going after if this is something that you run into on a regular basis. basically this signals to me that you're probably going after women who arent interested in you. maybe try to think what do these women have in common? is there a type that you're going after but isnt into you? is it possible that you're being overly aggressive and not judging their interest level correctly? maybe you're reading signals all wrong? but in any case them standing you up is not cool, so even if they arent interested in you that's still no excuse for them to be a*holes about it.
also where are you primarily meeting these women? offline or online?
if it's offline, then determining their interest level is easier. do you find yourself monopolizing most of the conversation? i noticed you said you were aggressive. that's kind of off-putting because usually when a guy admits to being aggressive it means it's going to come off as being stark raving maniac to a woman. remember most women like assertive NOT aggressive. there's a HUGE difference between the two. one will get you flirts and batting eyelashes and the other will make us want to reach for the pepper spray.
so now i have a question for you, how can you tell if a girl is into you? Do you look for her to show this interest before asking for her phone number and trying to get a date?0 -
If there was a theory that worked we all wouldn't be in this forum and single. Just be you like stated earlier.
i have been accused of being "too forward," "too honest," "not making a move fast enough," "making moves too fast...". Truth is you just haven't found the one. When you do, the other person will feel the same way and understand. I used to focus on "what's wrong with me." Now I realize I just know what I want and I don't settle. It can be frustrating but hold true to yourself....that's what work best. I'm 30, single and I know.
Cheer
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Another poster in a different thread on Single Peeps was talking about Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach, and in one of his columns, he referred to an OkCupid column that says race does affect who writes you back. I'm not sure what type of women you are contacting but it could have something to do it with.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/
The original Evan Marc Katz column: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-tried-everything-and-online-dating-is-still-not-working/
ETA - In another thread, I said it is important to date someone within your own age range, and I'll add that I think it is important to date within a few years of your age range. In your case, I would say 28-32.
Very interesting read! 0 -
As an example I have texted girls the same night as the actual date to say thanks and that I had a great time, if she feels the same way, she won't mind. Sometimes I send and receive a text from the girl in sync, so even girls do it too when they are feeling he connection between the 2 of you. Sounds like the women you are meeting might not be that into you, I try not to follow any rules on the when is to soon or too late, I just go with the flow. If you don't want come across as desperate possibly wait a day or 2 max.
As far as expressing your desire to get to know her, say something nice about the time you have already spent together and suggest that you would like to do it again as you have a great time with her and leave it open to a point where she can come back at you with a reciprocated message if she wants then go from there. If its online you would have already hopefully been talking a little bit if not on the phone via email and will be able to gauge a bit better on how she's feeling.
Don't build it all up so much, just 2 people talking, don't try and be anything but yourself as most ladies are intuitive and will pick up on you trying to hard to be something you may not.0 -
Yeah, what Natx83 said, again...be yourself. I've worn t-shirts n sweats on a first "date" whether it's to starbucks or right before I hit the gym just to see if we click. If they like you for who you are then you will figure it out 0
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Not intending to be cruel or rude; you did ask for feedback so I'm going to be honest here. I haven't talked to you one on one, so I cannot say with any certainty that my gut response is correct, but I have read your OKC profile a month or so back when you were asking for feedback there. I have observed your comments and threads within this forum. My thoughts are as follows:
a.) You come off as very ego-centric, too big for your britches, and bull-headed. Confidence is good, arrogance is NOT. You don't HAVE to show off... just be yourself, be confident, but realize you have flaws too. Humility is good.
b.) You also tend to express this as a hunt, and women are the prey. We don't like to be hunted; it's creepy. Trying different methods to "catch" one of us isn't an appealing mind-frame; women can pick up on that pretty easily.
c.) Women are looking for someone who cares about them, not just someone who is interested. I get the impression that you are not so in-touch with feelings. Most men aren't. The combination of strength AND a soft touch could help.
Just a few thoughts... impressions. Hope it's somewhat helpful.0 -
You know, perception is nearer the truth than reality, and it wouldn't surprise me if other people feel the same as you do about the OP (including those girls he meets).I haven't talked to you one on one, so I cannot say with any certainty that my gut response is correct, but I have read your OKC profile a month or so back when you were asking for feedback there. I have observed your comments and threads within this forum.
The thing is that it doesn't matter what he is *really* like inside and what the outcome of a *subsequent* one to one would be: what matters is what he comes across as. Because people don't have time (and won't take the time) to talk to him in one to one long enough to know if their gut feeling is wrong if they have any red flags initially, so he will never go to the one to one stage and will never get the opportunity to be "truly understood" (or rarely).
So you might have nailed it here... Plus he is too deep.0 -
My best answer to this is to stop analysing it! Stop trying different things cos they obviously dont suit you. There isnt a right or wrong way to keep someone's interest. Everyone is unique. Its either going to click, or it isn't. Relax!!!
Dating shouldn't be about rules and personalities shouldn't be contrived! If you can't be yourself in this situation, then there is no hope for a relationship to form.
Follow your heart. Do what you do to the best of your ability!! The right girl will want you for YOU!
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Thanks for all the interesting and helpful responses !!!0
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I think as men are ego can't believe that after a date with us we can't believe they don't think we are a catch. Women nowadays are a lot like men that after a date they want to see what's next or maybe better. Don't take it personally or get caught up in it. They may be out checking the numbers too or just out having fun and trying out new places on your buck. You have to kick a lot of tires and keep looking. Don't take it personally and enjoy having fun at the time. Diamonds in the rough eventually shine. Chalk up things that didn't work out to being taught. Be better at homework and it happens.0
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It seems like most girls tend to do the opposite of what I feel like any rational human being would do (and they are probably thinking the same thing about me).
Scenario:
You meet someone online, decide to meet them, but it seems like 8 times out of 10 the woman cancels for some reason. Now I think the polite and decent thing to do would be to say "I can't tonight BUT I'm free tomorrow (or whenever) if you are available." Now, usually they just say "I can't tonight, I'm sorry. Can we reschedule?" First of all, I first just assume that their interest level in me is pretty low, I wouldn't expect much else because we haven't met yet, but maybe try just a little bit? Second of all, if YOU cancelled the date, YOU should be telling me when you're available, not put the burden on me again. Third, if you really don't want to meet me then quit asking to reschedule, and if you do then just tell me when is good for you so I don't have to keep playing the guessing game. Fourth, don't apologize to me. Ever. You are not doing me any huge favors by agreeing to meet me, I'm just a little disappointed that you can't make it. Try acting disappointed because you wanted to met me too, not just the other way around, I don't need your sympathy lol.
Okay rant over....phew that felt good.0
