Help me understand women(be honest)!
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In poker jargon, what you are describing is Results Oriented Thinking or ROT. It is very flawed as you are saying I tried A with a single girl and A didn't work so A is not a good approach for any woman. Now I will try B. B didn't work with the single girl with whom approach B was attempted, so B is also a failure. I would suggest that if what you are looking for is a meaningful relationship rather than immediate gratification, then 1) find out what it is that you like and want, 2) be sure that you are able to offer that or something similar in return, 3) tailor your search to an area that is conducive to success (i.e. If you like going out drinking, don't look for women at AA meetings), and 4) be patient and quit treating it like a game, hunt or challenge.0
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Everyone keeps telling you to "be yourself." Well, if "being yourself" isn't working, you have to think about why that is.
Not trying to be mean... but trying to help. About 7 years ago, someone told me I was "too intense." Being myself was never going to help me build the kind of friendships and relationships I now have. I had to learn to stop being so intense all the time.
I had to learn how to relax, accept people as they are (with all their faults and frailties) and esteem others as highly as I esteem myself. Let other people have their way. Recognize that my way isn’t the only right way (and even if my way *is* the right way, sometimes the *right* answer is to let them come up with their own wrong way and find out, on their own, that it’s wrong).
It’s easy to be vain when you excel in so many things, but as we age and deepen our expertise in our chosen fields we begin to see how everyone brings a different skill set to the table. That was a lot harder to see back in college when we could just pick up a book and learn to do just about everything we wanted to do at the same level of accomplishment as any of our peers. Before I got this, I tried to treat people right but they picked up on the fact that externally I was honoring them but inside I thought they were stupid and wasting my time. Only when I learned to let that go did my social life improve.
We get it. You’re awesome. But guess what? I’m awesome too. And the number one consequence to knowing you’re awesome is, unfortunately, being alone.
Maybe take a break from dating, per se, or use the women you are contacting to practice looking for the facet of their personality you can honor. This goes a long way toward defusing the “I’m so awesome you should feel grateful to be in my presence” aura that probably contributes to scaring the women away.0 -
Wow, I don't know where to start. There's a lot of information in the original post. I could write a lot more than I am going to write.
You need to tone it down a bit. You're intense, we get it. I can be intense at times, but compared to you, I'm light and breezy. Light and breezy is a much better approach.
The idea of a numbers game is a half truth. It is a numbers game if your process is inefficient. Sure, there's a need for a certain amount of volume, but the focus should be on scheduling dates with compatible singles, not scheduling for the sake of scheduling. Your cancellation/stand up ratio is way too high, which tells me your process is inefficient. From online dating, a normal cancellation/stand up percentage should be around 5-10% of dates you schedule, yet you are telling us that your percentage is around 80% of scheduled dates.
I think you do need to evaluate your goals and your process and make some changes. Your travel schedule is not conducive to long term dating either. But most important, tone it down, have fun, smile and meet women going through your day to day regimen (your interests) and not be overly reliant on online dating and run of the mill bars/clubs.0 -
I don't do online dating, so I can't offer any advice in that regard, but in general, a woman who is genuinely interested in dating a man (not in having him as a friend or a shoulder to cry on or an emergency wedding/work event date) is not going to cancel ANY date with him unless there is an absolute, unavoidable emergency, in which case she WILL make an effort to reschedule. So if you find that a woman keeps cancelling on you, move on. She's not into you and, even worse, doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you.
Also, if you're having a good time with a woman (and she seems to be having a good time with you), don't be in such a rush to put a label on it. I think both sexes are notorious for reaching a certain age and being horrified that they are still single. Don't be that way. Fear and desperation have a smell, if you get what I'm saying. No woman wants to be the one you chose because you thought you were running out of time.0 -
This is the first volume of what you'll need to know...
However, I have it on good authority, they've already made this obsolete. A rewrite is in the works.0 -
It seems like most girls tend to do the opposite of what I feel like any rational human being would do (and they are probably thinking the same thing about me).
Scenario:
You meet someone online, decide to meet them, but it seems like 8 times out of 10 the woman cancels for some reason. Now I think the polite and decent thing to do would be to say "I can't tonight BUT I'm free tomorrow (or whenever) if you are available." Now, usually they just say "I can't tonight, I'm sorry. Can we reschedule?" First of all, I first just assume that their interest level in me is pretty low, I wouldn't expect much else because we haven't met yet, but maybe try just a little bit? Second of all, if YOU cancelled the date, YOU should be telling me when you're available, not put the burden on me again. Third, if you really don't want to meet me then quit asking to reschedule, and if you do then just tell me when is good for you so I don't have to keep playing the guessing game. Fourth, don't apologize to me. Ever. You are not doing me any huge favors by agreeing to meet me, I'm just a little disappointed that you can't make it. Try acting disappointed because you wanted to met me too, not just the other way around, I don't need your sympathy lol.
Okay rant over....phew that felt good.
I have canceled on a few dates- usually something had come up or I'm not feeling the best however I am usually not overly interested in them in the first place but I do end up meeting with them (planning it the same time). I do apologize profusely so I will make sure to not do that next time.
Now for the OP- You are way too intense. I am very easy going and shy so if you approached me, I would be very taken a back from it. You do come off as I am hot ****, I have been with lots of women, now why don't they like me. You have to be confidence not cocky and honestly if you want a women- make it about her not you. If you waited 7 days to call me- I would assume you were not totally interested and would probably never return your call. If it was a great date- I don't mind if you follow up with me when you get home.0 -
Ok I need HELP understand how to deal with women. I am 30 and dated (or hooked with) a good number of women. When I was younger it was just a numbers game. I would pursue a lot of women rather aggressively until someone bit. This practice didn't really require much understanding of women .. It was just a matter of talking to as many people as you could and eventually you would find someone to tolerate me.
Fast Forward 7 years and now my tastes are different. I am not satisfied by "conquering" a ton of women anymore.! I'm actually looking for quality and I'm terrible at it. I spend way to much time trying to figure how to deal with the women that I meet. I don't necessarily have a problem meeting and identifying women that are attracted to me .. It's the stuff that comes after the initial meeting that I suck at! My friends say that I am great when a woman is in front of me but once we separate we always find a way to mess it up!
Here are my problems. I don't know when is the right time to call the first time . I have tried all the "theories" (waiting anywhere from 1-7 days) which it always seems to be too earlier for them and appears to be a immediate deal breaker. If I somehow get past the intital call/text phase I usually get killed by the next phase ....making plans. I do fine on the phone BUT I have a huge problem with women standing me up or cancelling plans last minute. Out of the 20 or so dates I planned in the last year only like 4 happened.
Lastly I don't understand how to properly express my desire to get to know her better without totally ruining everything. I have tried all approaches including "being forward" and acting like I don't care. I know you're gonna say "Everyone is different" so I'm gonna call bull**** in advance and point out the fact that the people that seem to be the most successful use the same formula and it works everytime! I spend time talking to each person and try different approaches based on the scenerio. I even tried the "George from Seinfeld" approach of doing the EXACT opposite of what I should do. I try to be myself but that always fails... I tried honesty but that always fails .. I tried lying and that seems worked better but ultimately FAILS! My high failure rate , when I am trying to legitimately date a girl , has led me to try and accurate the situation (aka try to hook up immediately). This is mainly because I usually fail , so why not try to get something out of it while it's still hot? I know this is bad because interactions like this lead no way.
Anyway I need help ... I have a willingness to change and accept feedback !!0 -
Ok I need HELP understand how to deal with women. I am 30 and dated (or hooked with) a good number of women. When I was younger it was just a numbers game. I would pursue a lot of women rather aggressively until someone bit. This practice didn't really require much understanding of women .. It was just a matter of talking to as many people as you could and eventually you would find someone to tolerate me.
Fast Forward 7 years and now my tastes are different. I am not satisfied by "conquering" a ton of women anymore.! I'm actually looking for quality and I'm terrible at it. I spend way to much time trying to figure how to deal with the women that I meet. I don't necessarily have a problem meeting and identifying women that are attracted to me .. It's the stuff that comes after the initial meeting that I suck at! My friends say that I am great when a woman is in front of me but once we separate we always find a way to mess it up!
Here are my problems. I don't know when is the right time to call the first time . I have tried all the "theories" (waiting anywhere from 1-7 days) which it always seems to be too earlier for them and appears to be a immediate deal breaker. If I somehow get past the intital call/text phase I usually get killed by the next phase ....making plans. I do fine on the phone BUT I have a huge problem with women standing me up or cancelling plans last minute. Out of the 20 or so dates I planned in the last year only like 4 happened.
Lastly I don't understand how to properly express my desire to get to know her better without totally ruining everything. I have tried all approaches including "being forward" and acting like I don't care. I know you're gonna say "Everyone is different" so I'm gonna call bull**** in advance and point out the fact that the people that seem to be the most successful use the same formula and it works everytime! I spend time talking to each person and try different approaches based on the scenerio. I even tried the "George from Seinfeld" approach of doing the EXACT opposite of what I should do. I try to be myself but that always fails... I tried honesty but that always fails .. I tried lying and that seems worked better but ultimately FAILS! My high failure rate , when I am trying to legitimately date a girl , has led me to try and accurate the situation (aka try to hook up immediately). This is mainly because I usually fail , so why not try to get something out of it while it's still hot? I know this is bad because interactions like this lead no way.
Anyway I need help ... I have a willingness to change and accept feedback !!
Ok brother I'm going to give you some general tips based on the limited info u gave and also with the knowledge that women are very diverse and complex. If you would like further advice my hours on mfp are from 830-430 Mon thru Fri with occasional evening and weekends stop ins:
Call on the second day after you meet her. This shows interest yet doesn't make you look desperate.
Limit your convo on the first call to an hour. Ask questions regarding her background, career goals interest and make sure you give information about yours. If u don't think your initially compatible fiscally, emotionally, educationly, etc., leave it alone. To many men and oh so many women pursue a relationship that they knew from the beginning was a reach to work.
If out of 20 booked dates u only made it too 4 or 5 your convo must stink, coming across as a jerk or not seeming to be able to bring much to the table. I don't have that many cancelled dates in 20 years(minus a 5 year marriage). Take an active interest in diversifying your interest and broading your conversation. Also ask a lot of questions women love to talk about themselves.
Offer to take her on a date in the second or third conversation. Take her to dinner never take a first date to a movie and make sure you pay. A good dinner date will always hold a woman's interest to perhaps compensate for where you be lacking in other areas.
It shouldn't be that hard the straight , know how to treat a woman guy is in high demand and it is way more eligible women than men. If your losing its cause you don't know the game.0 -
An apology is okay, don't get me wrong, some people could get bent out of shape without an apology. I would just like to see someone express the fact that they are genuinely disappointed. Or else I just chalk it up as a loss and move on.I have canceled on a few dates- usually something had come up or I'm not feeling the best however I am usually not overly interested in them in the first place but I do end up meeting with them (planning it the same time). I do apologize profusely so I will make sure to not do that next time.0 -
Everyone keeps telling you to "be yourself." Well, if "being yourself" isn't working, you have to think about why that is.
Not trying to be mean... but trying to help. About 7 years ago, someone told me I was "too intense." Being myself was never going to help me build the kind of friendships and relationships I now have. I had to learn to stop being so intense all the time.
i agree with this. i think some people dont quite realize how they come off to others and adjusting that isn't about changing who they are but about them being more aware of the type of energy they send out.
i'm going to bet that if the OP has so many cancelled dates he might not be suggesting date ideas these girls are interested in and either suggesting things that he wants to do (and makes him look awesome) or choosing generic date ideas. this is why it's important to talk to us and by that i mean let us do most of the talking :laugh: when we tell you what are interests are, that should get your mental gears in motion about things to ask us out to do.
i generally dont like intense guys because to me they come off as being incredibly controlling, but i've made exceptions when it's clear they've listened to me and come up with date ideas for things i've expressed interest in. i think, at least for the initial stages, the best advice i can give any guy wondering about women is to make us feel at ease and comfortable and that includes where you take us for dates.0 -
bump!!0
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he's worth reading! even if you can't put 100% of his info towards 100% of people, it's bound to be applicable to some!
there is a lot that goes into finding the RIGHT person to connect with. it could be that you are just too far outside where you need to be......Another poster in a different thread on Single Peeps was talking about Evan Marc Katz, a dating coach, and in one of his columns, he referred to an OkCupid column that says race does affect who writes you back. I'm not sure what type of women you are contacting but it could have something to do it with.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/
The original Evan Marc Katz column: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/i-have-tried-everything-and-online-dating-is-still-not-working/
ETA - In another thread, I said it is important to date someone within your own age range, and I'll add that I think it is important to date within a few years of your age range. In your case, I would say 28-32.0 -
it is simple...
girls want honesty..
they want you to tell them what you feel no bull****...
if you want to date them date them... if you are not into them.. then dont be a doucher about it.. be upfront..
be kind
be real
be romantic
and be honest about who you are, what you are looking for and what you want
and if you are into a girl.. let her know.., women are told all the time to not pursue men that you like to chase us and you like to work for your girl.. so when you dont.. we get the off vibe and walk
if you want to text her right after the date to say that you had a good time.. then do it.. if you want to send her a text to say you were thinking about her then do it... if she doesnt like how you do things.. she isnt the one for you.. if she likes it.. then she is...
so simple recap...
show who you are by being honest and real.... dont play games.. dont be mysterious... and be upfront.. and make sure a girl knows... that is my deal.. lol0 -
I do it all now ... Online ..offline ... Whatever ! I even tried dating long distance ... I have no age issues unless it's an old lady
What is "old"?0 -
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY CONTAIN SARCASM.it is simple...
girls want honesty..
they want you to tell them what you feel no bull****...
if you want to date them date them... if you are not into them.. then dont be a doucher about it.. be upfront..
be kind
be real
be romantic
and be honest about who you are, what you are looking for and what you want
and if you are into a girl.. let her know.., women are told all the time to not pursue men that you like to chase us and you like to work for your girl.. so when you dont.. we get the off vibe and walk
if you want to text her right after the date to say that you had a good time.. then do it.. if you want to send her a text to say you were thinking about her then do it... if she doesnt like how you do things.. she isnt the one for you.. if she likes it.. then she is...
so simple recap...
show who you are by being honest and real.... dont play games.. dont be mysterious... and be upfront.. and make sure a girl knows... that is my deal.. lol
Did you read "How to get Mr Right for dummies"? Because it really seems like cheesy/silly/girly advice.
So if I understand correctly, first time I see the girl, I should say:
"Wow! You're smoking hot - definitely see myself having sex with you. Shall we have sex later this evening? Mind you I hope you're intelligent and have a great personality too because otherwise it's just going to be a one night stand for you... Ahah!"
Girl is flattered by honesty, man gets laid. It's that simple... What a fool I have been.
(Don't even get me started on the "be kind/be romantic" thing)
Question for you...
Do you know what men want?
Do you really think they want to do all the things you've listed with the bottom of their hearts? (Hint: the right answer is no)0 -
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST MAY CONTAIN SARCASM.it is simple...
girls want honesty..
they want you to tell them what you feel no bull****...
if you want to date them date them... if you are not into them.. then dont be a doucher about it.. be upfront..
be kind
be real
be romantic
and be honest about who you are, what you are looking for and what you want
and if you are into a girl.. let her know.., women are told all the time to not pursue men that you like to chase us and you like to work for your girl.. so when you dont.. we get the off vibe and walk
if you want to text her right after the date to say that you had a good time.. then do it.. if you want to send her a text to say you were thinking about her then do it... if she doesnt like how you do things.. she isnt the one for you.. if she likes it.. then she is...
so simple recap...
show who you are by being honest and real.... dont play games.. dont be mysterious... and be upfront.. and make sure a girl knows... that is my deal.. lol
Did you read "How to get Mr Right for dummies"? Because it really seems like cheesy/silly/girly advice.
So if I understand correctly, first time I see the girl, I should say:
"Wow! You're smoking hot - definitely see myself having sex with you. Shall we have sex later this evening? Mind you I hope you're intelligent and have a great personality too because otherwise it's just going to be a one night stand for you... Ahah!"
Girl is flattered by honesty, man gets laid. It's that simple... What a fool I have been.
(Don't even get me started on the "be kind/be romantic" thing)
Question for you...
Do you know what men want?
Do you really think they want to do all the things you've listed with the bottom of their hearts? (Hint: the right answer is no)
no majority of guys want to get laid..
he asked what girls want.. i told him... that is what we want.. but we are so used to so many guys being complete let downs.. we would take maybe one or two of those things.. because we know.. there is not a chance in hell we can find a guy who will be romantic honest trustworthy and fair.. and kind.. cause most guys. and you are one i am assuming.. all think that by being a complete douche you will get the girl.
you are right you will get one.. that one with no confidence no self respect and no morals..
i answered the question he asked.. i stand by it.. cause you dont like the truth.. well that is too bad.. .0 -
Well I was honest with my answer too... :laugh: I s'pose that makes me a great catch then (yep, you guessed it, I'm a guy).no majority of guys want to get laid..
he asked what girls want.. i told him... that is what we want.. but we are so used to so many guys being complete let downs.. we would take maybe one or two of those things.. because we know.. there is not a chance in hell we can find a guy who will be romantic honest trustworthy and fair.. and kind.. cause most guys. and you are one i am assuming.. all think that by being a complete douche you will get the girl.
you are right you will get one.. that one with no confidence no self respect and no morals..
i answered the question he asked.. i stand by it.. cause you dont like the truth.. well that is too bad.. .0 -
Well I was honest with my answer too... :laugh: I s'pose that makes me a great catch then (yep, you guessed it, I'm a guy).no majority of guys want to get laid..
he asked what girls want.. i told him... that is what we want.. but we are so used to so many guys being complete let downs.. we would take maybe one or two of those things.. because we know.. there is not a chance in hell we can find a guy who will be romantic honest trustworthy and fair.. and kind.. cause most guys. and you are one i am assuming.. all think that by being a complete douche you will get the girl.
you are right you will get one.. that one with no confidence no self respect and no morals..
i answered the question he asked.. i stand by it.. cause you dont like the truth.. well that is too bad.. .
nope it actually makes you look like just what every girl with self respect is not after... the first thing you want to say to a girl is hey i wanna do you cause you are hot.. not hey you are pretty cool and i am interested in getting to know you.... so ya be honest keep saying that and you will keep getting the girls who are willing to bed down with a guy with out knowing his last name or anything... you know the girls who you can........f*** and chuck..
the OP was asking how to get a girl whom he can date and be in a relationship with.. .not a girl he can dine and dash on... time to read the whole post before attempting to look smart or funny...0 -
no majority of guys want to get laid.i answered the question he asked.. i stand by it.. cause you dont like the truth.. well that is too bad.. .
Well I was honest with my answer too... :laugh: I s'pose that makes me a great catch then (yep, you guessed it, I'm a guy).
nope it actually makes you look like just what every girl with self respect is not after... the first thing you want to say to a girl is hey i wanna do you cause you are hot.. not hey you are pretty cool and i am interested in getting to know you
Actually, I've been told that pretty much every guy who approaches you does so because you're hot and he wants to get laid. It's in the process of him trying to get laid that he discovers that you are pretty cool and realizes he might like an actual relationship with you.
Guys is this more often true than not....?0 -
no majority of guys want to get laid.i answered the question he asked.. i stand by it.. cause you dont like the truth.. well that is too bad.. .
Well I was honest with my answer too... :laugh: I s'pose that makes me a great catch then (yep, you guessed it, I'm a guy).
nope it actually makes you look like just what every girl with self respect is not after... the first thing you want to say to a girl is hey i wanna do you cause you are hot.. not hey you are pretty cool and i am interested in getting to know you
Actually, I've been told that pretty much every guy who approaches you does so because you're hot and he wants to get laid. It's in the process of him trying to get laid that he discovers that you are pretty cool and realizes he might like an actual relationship with you.
Guys is this more often true than not....?
I think this is true...
I've had the opposite happen where the friendship relationship grew into more and although there was some initial attraction, it wasn't the "i want you so bad" type and I think it affected us. (my ex and I)
This time around in dating, I made it a point to find someone that I was completely in lust for and him with me. I wanted to try a different approach.
The whole "relationships that started off as friendships are best" is cool but I learned from my ex AND from FL that there needs to be something there initially or else what happens later on?
I rather find someone I lusted, couldn't keep my hands off and then let the friendship blossom while we're in a relationship. I'm curious to see how this will turn out as this is how it started with Smiley and me.0
