Kid trying to sabatoge relationship
rammsteinsoldier
Posts: 1,552 Member
I have recently started dating a great guy but my daughter does not want me dating. She is 18 years old and is going away to college next year so she wants me to spend this year with her before she leaves.
She is having panic attacks when I go to this guy's house and yelling at me about leaving her. She is threatening suicide and says she is completely alone in the world and no one cares about her feelings.
I have cut my dates short in order to rush home to her which isn't easy since he lives over 100 miles away. I am being pulled in two directions and it is mentally draining me.
Has anyone else had problems with their children standing in the way of a successful relationship?
She is having panic attacks when I go to this guy's house and yelling at me about leaving her. She is threatening suicide and says she is completely alone in the world and no one cares about her feelings.
I have cut my dates short in order to rush home to her which isn't easy since he lives over 100 miles away. I am being pulled in two directions and it is mentally draining me.
Has anyone else had problems with their children standing in the way of a successful relationship?
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I won't date anyone my kids don't 100% approve of. That's just me, though.0
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No I haven't but WOW.... your daughter needs to ease up and quit being selfish. She is 18, not 8.0
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Bump....Need this one.0
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No offense but I think your daughter's issue goes a lot deeper than you having a boyfriend. Maybe some time needs to be focused on her to figure out what the problem is??? I'm sorry you're going through this! :flowerforyou:0
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I have no idea what to say. I don't think she would approve of anyone you dated.
How much time is dating this guy taking from you being home? I may want to think about talking to her doctor about a referral to a therapist. Sounds like this is just surface stuff to maybe some deeper issues.0 -
Totally serious: Have you sought therapy for her?0
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Totally serious: Have you sought therapy for her?
^This 100%0 -
Wow! That's tough. It sounds like she is a bit immature and selfish...but if she is having panic attacks, there are some serious issues that need to be addressed. I would definitely slow up on the relationship. If he's worth it, he will wait. Your kid should always be your priority. Get some counseling together and enjoy the last year you have her at home.0
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How has she gotten along with other men you have dated?
I think there is something else there. I use to have panic attacks they are no walk in the park.
I agree with you two going to talk to someone. Hopefully this guy is willing to wait until you figure it out with her.0 -
She has some serious abandonment issues. I would suggest you get some serious help before she goes to college. The last thing she needs to do is go off to college (a situation where dating is pretty much a revolving door) with the type of attitude you've described. Especially if she is threatening suicide. How is she going to handle it if a guy dumps her for any of the reasons a typical college-aged guy dumps a girl?0
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Your daughter is 18 and a legal adult. It's a different scenario than dating with kids under 10.
With that said, her underlying feelings are not that unusual from my perspective. Kids don't like it when their parents have a change in relationship status, and it does not matter whether they are 5, 15 or 35 with children of their own.
While I was in college, my mom dated a man (parents divorced when I was in high school). They ended up getting married. There was big family integration issues in that marriage. That guy's kids were very unhappy about him being with my mom. I was sort of go with the flow about it, I wasn't enthused, but I wasn't going to impede my mom. I handled the situation with maturity and class, but his kids pitched hissy fits about it and were rude to their father to varying degrees. And those kids were significantly older than I was during that time.
My mom is now single again (that husband passed away) and I asked her last week if she was interested in dating again. She said yes.
Dating with kids in the picture is just hard, and adult kids aren't much easier to deal with when you consider family integration in the dating/relationship picture.
But your daughter is acting out in a way that is beyond inappropriate and not indicative of a mature, legal adult in my opinion. The poster above who suggested counselling has a valid point.0 -
Kids are something!! My son acted a fool for two guys that turned out to be bad for me. The first one, I took the hint and moved on quickly (my eyes were opened after the first time he interacted with my son). But with the second, he was such a great guy that I ignored the fact that my son’s most rebellious, spiteful, and annoying side always came out around him. I should have paid better attention. And if anyone else I like brings out the worst in my son then I will know to move on before I get attached.
Here’s what concerns me about your daughter though… panic attacks are a very real problem, but people who threaten suicide/bodily harm are often doing so to be manipulative. Whether she realizes it or not, this behavior could destroy her friendships/relationships over the long term.
Being disrespectful to a parent also concerns me.
Could this, perhaps, be a response to her realizing (at 18) that her whole world is about to change? Anxiety about her future combined with a need to control something (YOU) when her life seems out of control?
If he’s really into you, perhaps he can make it easier for you and come out to meet you when she’s at school, activities, or in bed…? It’s harder to do that when he’s 100 miles away, but if she were at an all day art class or some kind of youth group event, he could drive over and you spend the day together while she’s having fun.0 -
Just wanna add that my son (6) is asking me to remarry. Lol.
When my mom left my dad (I was 13) I was happy. When she remarried, my step dad liked doing family things so, again, we were happy.0 -
I won't date anyone my kids don't 100% approve of. That's just me, though.
It's not the guy the kid cares about she doesn't want the mom dating PERIOD. anytime you got a kid threatening to hurt themselves you need to get professional help. It probably doesnt even have anything to do with dating. She just wants to control you. Get a grip on this, stat!0 -
How do you know it's not the guy? Perhaps it is the guy and she over-reacts, threatening herself to get her mother away from said guy? I've seen it before and will see it again.
Regardless, she has an issue that needs addressing...both mom and daughter. I'd seek some mental assistance somewhere.
Doesn't change the fact that I won't date anyone my kids don't 100% approve of.0 -
Thanks everyone for the words of advice.
I have her scheduled for counseling all ready and she has been in counseling before moving to Kansas.
I will have to talk with John but I have a feeling this will be the end of that relationship.0 -
I will have to talk with John but I have a feeling this will be the end of that relationship.
What part of this do you think will end the relationship? What won't he like?0 -
He is frustrated with the rollercoaster ride of emotions we are going through. We have a great time together and feel on cloud nine and then I get home to be yelled at by my daugther and is is wearing on us both.0
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I have recently started dating a great guy but my daughter does not want me dating. She is 18 years old and is going away to college next year so she wants me to spend this year with her before she leaves.
She is having panic attacks when I go to this guy's house and yelling at me about leaving her. She is threatening suicide and says she is completely alone in the world and no one cares about her feelings.
I have cut my dates short in order to rush home to her which isn't easy since he lives over 100 miles away. I am being pulled in two directions and it is mentally draining me.
Has anyone else had problems with their children standing in the way of a successful relationship?
You probably don't want my opinion,
But I would tell your daughter to grow up.0 -
I have recently started dating a great guy but my daughter does not want me dating. She is 18 years old and is going away to college next year so she wants me to spend this year with her before she leaves.
She is having panic attacks when I go to this guy's house and yelling at me about leaving her. She is threatening suicide and says she is completely alone in the world and no one cares about her feelings.
I have cut my dates short in order to rush home to her which isn't easy since he lives over 100 miles away. I am being pulled in two directions and it is mentally draining me.
Has anyone else had problems with their children standing in the way of a successful relationship?
You probably don't want my opinion,
But I would tell your daughter to grow up.
I'm going to agree.
I remember when my mom first started dating again. I hated him with a passion.
Snip ten years and I realize what I fool I was. He and my mom are very happy together and he takes great care of her.0 -
He is frustrated with the rollercoaster ride of emotions we are going through. We have a great time together and feel on cloud nine and then I get home to be yelled at by my daughter and is wearing on us both.
"we" are going through or *you*? Just trying to understand. Because if he's frustrated w/your daughter you can partially mitigate that by not telling him her responses…or at least not telling him how she reacts until you figure out why she's being so rude (is it him, specifically, or is it that she doesn't want you dating because of her own insecurities)
I am NOT one to cater to a child (I pay the bills... when you pay your own bills then you can have a say)... but OTOH, if she's 18, about to move out this summer, what's the harm in seeing him less (or during times like I suggested that don't intrude upon her life) for the next 2 months?
Or, are there other issues brewing (like the long distance) and perhaps he's using this as an excuse...?
I once had to tell a guy I didn't see myself driving a couple of hours away to get to know him. He got mad at me, like it was my fault. I pointed out that it takes two to tango... and he wasn't making the effort to come see me either.0 -
I know that you love her, but your daughter needs professional help. Her behavior is just not healthy for you or her. She is a grown woman. I'm a firm believer of cutting off anything and anyone that causes you drama or pain in life. Best of luck! :flowerforyou:0
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I am NOT one to cater to a child (I pay the bills... when you pay your own bills then you can have a say)... but OTOH, if she's 18, about to move out this summer, what's the harm in seeing him less (or during times like I suggested that don't intrude upon her life) for the next 2 months?
The reason I ask this is because I was thinking about the time BEFORE my mom and stepdad moved in together. My mom went out a lot, often leaving us home alone or with our dad (who pretty much left us alone). Granted, I was 15 and well able to care for my sibs but it hurt me deeply that she never wanted to spend time with *us.* When my stepdad came into the picture, his best friend was dating a girl from my school (uh, jailbait! But she was the police chief’s daughter so I guess it was ok???). So I remember a couple times where she would come to school and say how she was out drinking with her man… and my mom!!
That really made me mad.
Like I said, my stepdad turned out to be very family oriented, and it all worked out. And I’m not (NOT) making excuses for bad manipulative behavior on the part of your daughter (anyone threatening suicide as a coercive tactic is just plain wrong in my book and the therapist will help you see if she’s genuine or being manipulative). But on the (rare) chance that she really DOES feel like no one cares about her (whether or not she is justified to feel that way) it might not hurt to step back and take a look at the bigger picture.0 -
Thank you everyone so much!!!! :flowerforyou:
I am taking her to the ER after work and seeing if she can get some help right now. I can't live with her threatening suicide and obviously she can't either. It is just too exhausting for all of us.
I see people's points and need to think about how to proceed. No man is worth losing a daughter over but then again, I don't want her to be manipulating me which will forever be a problem. I hope a counseler can help us whether it is with this relationship or the next one.0 -
I know that you love her, but your daughter needs professional help. Her behavior is just not healthy for you or her. She is a grown woman. I'm a firm believer of cutting off anything and anyone that causes you drama or pain in life. Best of luck! :flowerforyou:
Professional help? More like she just needs to be put in her place by her Mother. Sounds like for awhile she's gotten her way.0 -
I am for sure thinking a little bit of both - seeing a counselor and being put in her place by mom. She is legally an adult, and these manipulative behaviours are unacceptable, and incredibly unhealthy. She will need to learn to deal with seperation in a healthy way - not all this drama.
If he is worth it and if he thinks you are worth it - he will stand by you through this, even though it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. The benefits at the end would be so worthwhile.0 -
I am for sure thinking a little bit of both - seeing a counselor and being put in her place by mom. She is legally an adult, and these manipulative behaviours are unacceptable, and incredibly unhealthy. She will need to learn to deal with seperation in a healthy way - not all this drama.
If he is worth it and if he thinks you are worth it - he will stand by you through this, even though it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. The benefits at the end would be so worthwhile.
Benefits being when the kid moves out and is on their own? I kid, sorta. lol0 -
Something occurred to me that I had not thought of before...has she had boyfriends of her own?
Give what you have told me about how she regards her father she may have an issue with men period.0 -
Threats of suicide should be taken very seriously. I didn't take my ex seriously when he told me he'd rather kill himself than move out of my house and live with his father. I thought he was being dramatic. A month later he hung himself in my backyard. DON'T assume she is being a drama queen.0
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No offense but I think your daughter's issue goes a lot deeper than you having a boyfriend. Maybe some time needs to be focused on her to figure out what the problem is??? I'm sorry you're going through this! :flowerforyou:
This for sure.
ETA - Good luck at the ER.0
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