Looking "approachable"
Laura_Suzie
Posts: 1,288 Member
So everyone I talk to about my relationships (or lack thereof) tell me my problem is I'm not "approachable" enough to men. A lot of guys I talk to say they will go up to whichever woman looks easiest to talk to. I think my main problem is I'm kind of shy. I say "kind of" because I can be very outgoing, but whenever I'm around a guy I like I can't make eye contact and I have trouble talking to them.
Any tips on being more approachable and outgoing around guys I like?
Any tips on being more approachable and outgoing around guys I like?
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I am exactly the same way! I've been approached by guys a lot more when in a relationship. I think it's because I suddenly become more approachable. I am not as nervous around guys when I don't see them as potentials. My body language changes, I make eye contact, smile more and even start conversations. That's the best advice I can give: stop thinking about guys as potentials dates and think about them as potential friends. I dunno. It's really hard to change behavior and not be nervous around crushes. I'm curious about reading other people's responses.0
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Body language, Body language!
If your standing there out, with your arms crossed with some sort of perplexed look on your face your not exactly sending off the messages of "Pick me and come talk to me". You need try and be open with your stance, smile. If you see a cute dude, smile at him. We as males need a few signals and dread rejections just as much as you!
I dont know how to teach some one to be more out going as this is more a trait than a "skill". Just try and get somewhere you feel comfortable, if you are at a club, try and get him somewhere where you can talk without awkwardly trying to talk over loud music etc.
I will elaborate later, when not at work
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Bump! Please do! This is apparently one of my problems too.0
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Body language, Body language!
If your standing there out, with your arms crossed with some sort of perplexed look on your face your not exactly sending off the messages of "Pick me and come talk to me". You need try and be open with your stance, smile. If you see a cute dude, smile at him. We as males need a few signals and dread rejections just as much as you!
I dont know how to teach some one to be more out going as this is more a trait than a "skill". Just try and get somewhere you feel comfortable, if you are at a club, try and get him somewhere where you can talk without awkwardly trying to talk over loud music etc.
I will elaborate later, when not at work
pretty much this. eye contact and smile. smile. smile. smile. a simple smile does wonders. I've had complete female strangers smile at me at it just :smooched: and makes my day.
I too have the same issues but from a different perspective. I sometimes avoid eye contact because I don't want to appear creepy or that I am just leering at a girl let alone smile. I am learning and trying to be better at it. Besides the obvious shy thing, I feel like I am a intimidating hulking size of a thing and I scare women since I don't smile, etc. etc. Once you get to know me, I'm obviously not.
Like in my Zumba class. Maybe it's just me but I always notice I have a little more room around myself. Maybe they just don't wanna crowd me or give me space since I am well big...or I am smelly from sweating alot :sick: ok I am over analyzing things. I am gonna shut up now :laugh:0 -
Body language, Body language!
If your standing there out, with your arms crossed with some sort of perplexed look on your face your not exactly sending off the messages of "Pick me and come talk to me". You need try and be open with your stance, smile. If you see a cute dude, smile at him. We as males need a few signals and dread rejections just as much as you!
I dont know how to teach some one to be more out going as this is more a trait than a "skill". Just try and get somewhere you feel comfortable, if you are at a club, try and get him somewhere where you can talk without awkwardly trying to talk over loud music etc.
I will elaborate later, when not at work
pretty much this. eye contact and smile. smile. smile. smile. a simple smile does wonders. I've had complete female strangers smile at me at it just :smooched: and makes my day.
I too have the same issues but from a different perspective. I sometimes avoid eye contact because I don't want to appear creepy or that I am just leering at a girl let alone smile. I am learning and trying to be better at it. Besides the obvious shy thing, I feel like I am a intimidating hulking size of a thing and I scare women since I don't smile, etc. etc. Once you get to know me, I'm obviously not.
Like in my Zumba class. Maybe it's just me but I always notice I have a little more room around myself. Maybe they just don't wanna crowd me or give me space since I am well big...or I am smelly from sweating alot :sick: ok I am over analyzing things. I am gonna shut up now :laugh:
Yes, it is the smile that does it. After that it is a laugh and then a touch.
I met my GF in a crowded bar. I wasn't looking to meet anyone, but she was wearing this goofy hat (part of her St Pat's costume). She smiled at me. I said hello, introduced myself. Within minutes we were talking, laughing and getting physically close.
Not that it has to be that fast, but it does start with a smile and an open attitude. With a strong dose of confidence.0 -
I get this too. I have people come up to me and ask me why I am do I look so grumpy. While I am just sitting there checking facebook or something on my phone.
When I was around 13 I was always made fun off because my lips would naturally go into a smile so I made myself stop smiling all the time. It is hard to try and train your face to smile all the time.0 -
Lick your lips and wink at guys.
Hmmm... Or I guess you can try "peacocking" as described by amisnercpa.
http://dating.about.com/od/glossarywordspq/g/peacocking.htm
Simply put, people want to talk to other people (or want to be talked to) in general. We are social animals.
But, we meet 100s of people during a normal day, so you will need something that gets you noticed. Also, something they can easily talk to you about and approach you about. It is easier to approach someone and say: "Nice hat!" than "You're hot!". If feels more natural.
So: pick an item you can wear, have a few canned lines ready associated with that item => win.
Wear some cool bracelet people that are passing can make a comment, or a cool hat, a cool scarf, a funny tee shirt maybe, or a belt... Shoes are a bit more difficult to spot, people don't really look below your torso.
Yeah.
And smile, look at some guys and smile. Don't close your conversation circle (keep it open). Don't stay in the same place all the time. Try to have fun (fun people attract people).
Maybe go and talk to people yourself? Start with women (speak to 5-6 women in the pub), then move to men. The people who notice you will think you're approachable. You're not out for hunting, you're out to meet >>friends<< regardless of their sex.
Maybe do it only with women to start with if you really freak out at the thought of approaching men, and then just expand using the same approach with men.0 -
So: pick an item you can wear, have a few canned lines ready associated with that item => win.
Wear some cool bracelet people that are passing can make a comment, or a cool hat, a cool scarf, a funny tee shirt maybe, or a belt... Shoes are a bit more difficult to spot, people don't really look below your torso.
Maybe it is just me but guys notice my shoes. The last time I got hit on by guys they always commented on my shoes, including the guy that smelled them.0 -
while i was married, i never smiled out in public, never looked anyone in the eye, always looked like a woman on a mission ( don't mess with me i got things to do). i would have random strangers ( usually men) say to me " SMILE". i could be at a grocery store, mall, gym, pool, i would be told by random strangers, to smile.......
now, i smile. i will look someone in the eye ( took me about a year after the separation to be able to do this though). i will strike up random conversations with strangers. i've always been VERY outgoing, and once i was no longer married that personality came back :-)
i am not approached by men in a "looking to meet way" though. i'm ok with that. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i have my kids with me 99.9% of the time that i'm out. and my guess is that MOST people assume i must be married, and happily, if i have 5 kids :-) i don't hang out at bars, and my free time is usually spent doing house work, or going to the gym, or spa. not places you usually go to meet men.0 -
So: pick an item you can wear, have a few canned lines ready associated with that item => win.
Wear some cool bracelet people that are passing can make a comment, or a cool hat, a cool scarf, a funny tee shirt maybe, or a belt... Shoes are a bit more difficult to spot, people don't really look below your torso.
Maybe it is just me but guys notice my shoes. The last time I got hit on by guys they always commented on my shoes, including the guy that smelled them.
Are you suggesting guys start smelling shoes?0 -
I smile all the time, but I tend not to do the body language that shows an interest in someone (even if I am interested in someone). Making eye contact and then going into a nice, interested, or flirty smile is good. Or making eye contact and keeping it - not for extended stare length but for the time where they know 'oh it's me they are looking at'. Also standing, moving, leaning just a bit closer to someone. Positioning the body so it lines up with theirs, or twisting so it's towards them when conversing. You want your attention towards them and if another conversation starts with someone else (like in a group), keep your body language someone towards that person but direct your head or just voice to the other.
Generally it's also good to be noticeable in the first place. I don't mean stand out 110%, but it's like the shoes comment - it helps to have something initially catch some attention, because generally it's easier to show you are open, approachable, or interested because their attention already went your way. Sometimes it doesn't have to be the most dressy, nice outfit, hair, nails, whatever - sometimes it can be something small but different or unique.
Also if you are always surrounded by friends (or in my case large male coworkers) that you are interacting with, then it can close you off to other conversations or being approached because then you are already conversing - so sometimes stepping away from the group just a bit (maybe to go somewhere else momentarily) and then looking at them and smiling or whatever, will not only catch their attention but give them a chance when you are on the way back (assuming they aren't on another level or clear on the other side of the building). Just have fun & go with it....
But while I sound like this - again I am not very good at the above at all! I'm too shy, reserved, initially timid, unconfident, insecure, fearful - whatever to do them. My closest friends back home are all naturally approachable and naturally friendly/flirty because of their body language and since I'm not quite as much (or I avoid doing those actions) I know the difference and what some of them are. Sadly this one is a the more you do it, the better you get at it.
Personally, I do really need to work on my mentality and being approachable and not just to get more chances of meeting people but to make friends. My big thing is to me being approached is the same as being targeted for I was harassed a lot in high school by a group of guys and much of it was the same motions as flirting and being interested (on their end) and initially on mine but it had a whole different intent. All through college and even now I'm still trying to completely get rid of my associations from that, like flirting = being targeted/open for harassment & assault, by getting to know people more slowly, realizing ok I did this and nothing happened from it, and also observing that that past incidence was the exception not the rule.0 -
Eye contact and smiling are the most important factors. The lip lick and not hanging around a bunch of dudes will help a woman seem approachable.0
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smile with your eyes, if that makes sense...0
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Let's not forget the hair flip. Works on the older guys for sure.0
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Eye contact and smiling are the most important factors. The lip lick and not hanging around a bunch of dudes will help a woman seem approachable.
Not always true about the dudes, I was approached one time by this fella that told me he would by me a shot, for every girl I told him was available in our group.... needless to say I sold them all out, even the married ones, lol.0 -
Eye contact and smiling are the most important factors. The lip lick and not hanging around a bunch of dudes will help a woman seem approachable.
Not always true about the dudes, I was approached one time by this fella that told me he would by me a shot, for every girl I told him was available in our group.... needless to say I sold them all out, even the married ones, lol.
I don't even drink and I probably would have done the same.0 -
I think this can be one of those things where paying attention to the way you act (i.e. not smiling, not being friendly and willing to start random conversations...) goes a long way. Once you identify what you are doing or not doing and can think of alternatives for what you could have done in a past situation, you'll have a better idea of how to approach future scenarios. Plus, little by little if you become happier and smile more then it will become a cycle where it's easier to continue, and people around you will notice. Hope that makes sense...0
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So: pick an item you can wear, have a few canned lines ready associated with that item => win.
Wear some cool bracelet people that are passing can make a comment, or a cool hat, a cool scarf, a funny tee shirt maybe, or a belt... Shoes are a bit more difficult to spot, people don't really look below your torso.
Maybe it is just me but guys notice my shoes. The last time I got hit on by guys they always commented on my shoes, including the guy that smelled them.
Are you suggesting guys start smelling shoes?
hahahhaha nooooooooooooooo that creeped me out.0 -
smile with your eyes, if that makes sense...
Okay Tyra. Smeyes girls smeyes.
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smile with your eyes, if that makes sense...
Okay Tyra. Smeyes girls smeyes.
H2T! Hahahah0 -
I so admit I have a problem with body language. I make myself super unapproachable at work (work around a lot of not so nice men) and I do have a hard time turning it off once I am out the gate.
I need a trainer for this lol0 -
Ok so heres how I do it (and I get approached alot)
Wear something that makes YOU feel hot?cute?sexy (whatever your comfortable with.
Stand dont sit at the bar..... shift one hip out al little and if your wearing something with pockets, stick your hands in your back pockets.. Tilt your head a little and smile look away and lock back and smile again... Remeber confidence is sexy and makes you more approchable :bigsmile:
edited cause apperantly the other word was considered a cuss word lol0 -
Maybe go and talk to people yourself? Start with women (speak to 5-6 women in the pub), then move to men. The people who notice you will think you're approachable. You're not out for hunting, you're out to meet >>friends<< regardless of their sex.
Maybe do it only with women to start with if you really freak out at the thought of approaching men, and then just expand using the same approach with men.
Just saying that women don't really go up and chat random women at the bar. The only time my friends and I have done this to a stranger was to say "excuse me" as we're walking through the bar. Women don't make friends the way that men do. If some girl came up to me at the bar and started talking to me I would think she is a little weird. The ONLY exception would be something like "were you in my ______ class/do you go to _________ gym?" Finding common ground. But randomly? No.Stand dont sit at the bar..... shift one hip out al little and if your wearing something with pockets, stick your hands in your back pockets.. Tilt your head a little and smile look away and lock back and smile again...
This is the best advice I've seen here. Like everyone said, look approachable.0 -
:noway:
Just saying that women don't really go up and chat random women at the bar. The only time my friends and I have done this to a stranger was to say "excuse me" as we're walking through the bar. Women don't make friends the way that men do. If some girl came up to me at the bar and started talking to me I would think she is a little weird.Maybe go and talk to people yourself? Start with women (speak to 5-6 women in the pub), then move to men. The people who notice you will think you're approachable. You're not out for hunting, you're out to meet >>friends<< regardless of their sex.
Maybe do it only with women to start with if you really freak out at the thought of approaching men, and then just expand using the same approach with men.
Would you reject really a woman chatting to you? Wow. You must be quite the tight @ss. Not saying you should be BFF after a quick chat, but just reply nicely to her and stop thinking that she's after your... your... errmmm... purse?!
If you're looking to talk to a girl, you can always compliment her on her shoes:
"Ohhh great shoes! Where did you buy them?"
"Oh they are from XYZ"
"Is that were you live then?"
... etc...0 -
I so admit I have a problem with body language. I make myself super unapproachable at work (work around a lot of not so nice men) and I do have a hard time turning it off once I am out the gate.
I need a trainer for this lol
If you find one, let me know! I need to sign up for classes too! :-D0 -
:noway:
Just saying that women don't really go up and chat random women at the bar. The only time my friends and I have done this to a stranger was to say "excuse me" as we're walking through the bar. Women don't make friends the way that men do. If some girl came up to me at the bar and started talking to me I would think she is a little weird.Maybe go and talk to people yourself? Start with women (speak to 5-6 women in the pub), then move to men. The people who notice you will think you're approachable. You're not out for hunting, you're out to meet >>friends<< regardless of their sex.
Maybe do it only with women to start with if you really freak out at the thought of approaching men, and then just expand using the same approach with men.
Would you reject really a woman chatting to you? Wow. You must be quite the tight @ss. Not saying you should be BFF after a quick chat, but just reply nicely to her and stop thinking that she's after your... your... errmmm... purse?!
If you're looking to talk to a girl, you can always compliment her on her shoes:
"Ohhh great shoes! Where did you buy them?"
"Oh they are from XYZ"
"Is that were you live then?"
... etc...
I wouldn't ignore her but I certainly have never met a friend this way. It is just odd to me. I might compliment someone's shoes I'd never stick around to chat her up - and it would be odd to me if someone started talking to me after that - unless we were in an environment where we needed to be friends, like a work environment. But at the bar? No.0 -
You're funny :laugh:I wouldn't ignore her but I certainly have never met a friend this way. It is just odd to me. I might compliment someone's shoes I'd never stick around to chat her up - and it would be odd to me if someone started talking to me after that - unless we were in an environment where we needed to be friends, like a work environment. But at the bar? No.
You obviously have too many friends
I never turn someone down, at least for a 2-3 min chat.
PS: not sure if I'd be more friendly at work personally, quite the contrary I think! I'd be more on the defensive thinking I can't let myself go0 -
:noway:
Just saying that women don't really go up and chat random women at the bar. The only time my friends and I have done this to a stranger was to say "excuse me" as we're walking through the bar. Women don't make friends the way that men do. If some girl came up to me at the bar and started talking to me I would think she is a little weird.Maybe go and talk to people yourself? Start with women (speak to 5-6 women in the pub), then move to men. The people who notice you will think you're approachable. You're not out for hunting, you're out to meet >>friends<< regardless of their sex.
Maybe do it only with women to start with if you really freak out at the thought of approaching men, and then just expand using the same approach with men.
Would you reject really a woman chatting to you? Wow. You must be quite the tight @ss. Not saying you should be BFF after a quick chat, but just reply nicely to her and stop thinking that she's after your... your... errmmm... purse?!
If you're looking to talk to a girl, you can always compliment her on her shoes:
"Ohhh great shoes! Where did you buy them?"
"Oh they are from XYZ"
"Is that were you live then?"
... etc...
As a woman I agree with tchristine. It is odd for women to walk up and talk to random other women in bars. Since bars are usually pick up spots, when a random person starts talking to me that is automatically where my mind goes.0 -
Okay, but I've been chatted up by gay guys... And never ended up in one's bed (as far as I am aware!).As a woman I agree with tchristine. It is odd for women to walk up and talk to random other women in bars. Since bars are usually pick up spots, when a random person starts talking to me that is automatically where my mind goes.
The thing is: what's the big deal? If a girl is after some girl on girl action, you'll normally know pretty quickly (and she'll probably try to wrap the conversation up in 3 mins herself)!0 -
I have also heard that if you are going to a bar to find a potiential partner not to go in a group bigger then 3.0
This discussion has been closed.