When to speak up?
fbmandy55
Posts: 5,263 Member
I'm only wanting to post this in a couple groups, rather in the main board. I'm really seeking some advice that I can't go to family or friends about. If you suspected someone of molesting a child, without any REAL evidence, would you tell the mother of the children or keep it to yourself?
In my situation, a relative who is about 7 years older than me, who I know molested at least two if not 3 young children in my family, is being very suspicious. The family things happend 15-18 years ago, but he has consistantly been "close" to young, elementary aged kids at the Christian school I attended. His baby sister didn't speak for the first 5 years of her life when he lived at home, I'm convinced this has something to do with him abusing her. She is now 15 and has never said anything about it. His neighbor, who also works with me, came into my office and asked me about him. She said someone told her to keep her kids away.
He recently met a young, single mother online and has change two of his cover photos to photos of her two young kids that he has never met! I find this to be creepy, considering what it know. Now do I mind my business or warn the mother? I have no evidence against him, other than wht happened 18 years ago. And of course, accusing an innocent person of child molesting has serious consequences. It could destoy his life/career if I'm wrong and tear apart my family.
Would you say something or leave it alone?
In my situation, a relative who is about 7 years older than me, who I know molested at least two if not 3 young children in my family, is being very suspicious. The family things happend 15-18 years ago, but he has consistantly been "close" to young, elementary aged kids at the Christian school I attended. His baby sister didn't speak for the first 5 years of her life when he lived at home, I'm convinced this has something to do with him abusing her. She is now 15 and has never said anything about it. His neighbor, who also works with me, came into my office and asked me about him. She said someone told her to keep her kids away.
He recently met a young, single mother online and has change two of his cover photos to photos of her two young kids that he has never met! I find this to be creepy, considering what it know. Now do I mind my business or warn the mother? I have no evidence against him, other than wht happened 18 years ago. And of course, accusing an innocent person of child molesting has serious consequences. It could destoy his life/career if I'm wrong and tear apart my family.
Would you say something or leave it alone?
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If it were me, I'd seek the advice of Child Protective Services before telling the mother and see if they have any advice on the matter.
EDIT: Even if they can't do anything, maybe they can help you figure it out.0 -
If it were me, I'd seek the advice of Child Protective Services before telling the mother and see if they have any advice on the matter.
EDIT: Even if they can't do anything, maybe they can help you figure it out.
Could they legally hold me anything if I did go to them and I were correct? I want the best for the kids but I also don't want my family knowing of me saying anything.0 -
If it were me, I'd seek the advice of Child Protective Services before telling the mother and see if they have any advice on the matter.
EDIT: Even if they can't do anything, maybe they can help you figure it out.
Could they legally hold me anything if I did go to them and I were correct? I want the best for the kids but I also don't want my family knowing of me saying anything.
How correct do you think your feelings are? If I was pretty sure something was going on, I don't think I would care what the family thought of me; it would be worth it. Alternatively, perhaps you could try to keep the name of the person out of the conversation initially? If they understand that you don't really have evidence, it may not be something they'd press you for.0 -
If it were me, I'd seek the advice of Child Protective Services before telling the mother and see if they have any advice on the matter.
EDIT: Even if they can't do anything, maybe they can help you figure it out.
Could they legally hold me anything if I did go to them and I were correct? I want the best for the kids but I also don't want my family knowing of me saying anything.
How correct do you think your feelings are? If I was pretty sure something was going on, I don't think I would care what the family thought of me; it would be worth it. Alternatively, perhaps you could try to keep the name of the person out of the conversation initially? If they understand that you don't really have evidence, it may not be something they'd press you for.
If I knew I was right, I wouldn't hesitate to say something. Even regarding my family. But the rest of my family, including one person in my immediate family refused to believe it happended the first time and they all act as if he had never done anything.0 -
If you were the parent of these children, would you want to be warned?0
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I know I'm not everyone, and people have different reactions to things, but if one of my family members accused me of molesting a child (and I knew I had not), then my first concern would still be for the kids, and I would very willingly comply with any investigation. I might not be thrilled with the person for doing it, or thinking it, but the safety of the kid(s) would be more important to me than what some other person thought. I'd want the truth to be known.
And since it hasn't happened, maybe I'm wrong about my reaction, but that's the view I'd try to take.0 -
If you were the parent of these children, would you want to be warned?
Absolutely. But I wouldn't want to be involved if the person was wrong..0 -
The child's safety is more important than any thing else. If I suspected something wrong, I would speak up. I don't care how unpopular I might become. It would suck to be wrong and cause that person so much trouble, but it would be far worse to be right and remain silent.0
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If you were the parent of these children, would you want to be warned?
Aboslutely. But I wouldn't want to be involved if the person was wrong..
I can't say with 100% certainty (maybe someone reading might know), but I don't think you can be held liable for information that you know is true. A warning based on what happened in the past, especially in this situation, would be warranted, imo.
A former teacher, there were two times DEFACS had to be notified of possible child abuse for students in my classroom. This occurred in Texas, btw. Although nothing was proven, I was not held responsible for reporting on assumption.0 -
If you were the parent of these children, would you want to be warned?
Aboslutely. But I wouldn't want to be involved if the person was wrong..
I can't say with 100% certainty (maybe someone reading might know), but I don't think you can be held liable for information that you know is true. A warning based on what happened in the past, especially in this situation, would be warranted, imo.
A former teacher, there were two times DEFACS had to be notified of possible child abuse for students in my classroom. This occurred in Texas, btw. Although nothing was proven, I was not held responsible for reporting on assumption.
Yeah. I just recently found out that his new gf and I have a mutual friend on facebook that they would never know I was a friend of. I am going to talk to her tonight and see if she will drop the bomb to her friend. IF not, it looks like I will give a call to social services.0 -
in my humble opinion, this is one of those cases where you'd rather have a false positive than never speak up.
Also, you aren't accusing an "innnocent" person. You're checking up on a prior perpetrator. If you came up with this suspicion out of the clear blue sky, then it would be difficult to justify bringing it up. But this guy has a history of this.
I knew a girl in third grade who told us, her classmates, that her Daddy peed in her mouth. We all were: 1. too young to realize, 2. grossed out, and 3. told her she was a liar.
Years later, I'm still haunted by the thought that if any one of us had told an adult, she might have been saved from it.0 -
The child's safety is more important than any thing else. If I suspected something wrong, I would speak up. I don't care how unpopular I might become. It would suck to be wrong and cause that person so much trouble, but it would be far worse to be right and remain silent.
I know. I entirely know. But in the first scenario, so many people backed this person that it was unbelieveable. I was the one who brought it to light and the church, his parents, and some other members of my family didn't believe me. I don't know if it was because I was young or if it was because he and his parents are so eeply invovled with the church and I am not.
You see why I no longer go to that church and no longer trust religion.0 -
This is just one of those situations we all hope we never get in to. The ackwardness and terror of getting involved, especially if your suspiciouns turn out to be false would give anyone reason to pause, to feel like maybe they should back off and let someone else handle it. But there is no one else, there is only you. I agree with Evan, call Child protection. Better to hurt the feelings of a former child molester than to chance that he might be praying on another child. It's a big responsibility, but I think you are up to it.0
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The child's safety is more important than any thing else. If I suspected something wrong, I would speak up. I don't care how unpopular I might become. It would suck to be wrong and cause that person so much trouble, but it would be far worse to be right and remain silent.
I know. I entirely know. But in the first scenario, so many people backed this person that it was unbelieveable. I was the one who brought it to light and the church, his parents, and some other members of my family didn't believe me. I don't know if it was because I was young or if it was because he and his parents are so eeply invovled with the church and I am not.
You see why I no longer go to that church and no longer trust religion.
The thing that matters most here, really, is the safety of the child/children. Period.
With the Penn State situation being fresh in all of our minds, I would venture to say that you're more at risk of being sued if you say nothing when you knew something.0 -
The child's safety is more important than any thing else. If I suspected something wrong, I would speak up. I don't care how unpopular I might become. It would suck to be wrong and cause that person so much trouble, but it would be far worse to be right and remain silent.
I know. I entirely know. But in the first scenario, so many people backed this person that it was unbelieveable. I was the one who brought it to light and the church, his parents, and some other members of my family didn't believe me. I don't know if it was because I was young or if it was because he and his parents are so eeply invovled with the church and I am not.
You see why I no longer go to that church and no longer trust religion.
The thing that matters most here, really, is the safety of the child/children. Period.
With the Penn State situation being fresh in all of our minds, I would venture to say that you're more at risk of being sued if you say nothing when you knew something.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about Penn State too.0 -
If you know he's molested children in the past, then you need to say something. Pedophilia is a horrible illness and from what I know, those people should avoid having close contact with children. If you KNOW he's done it before, then no one should be upset with you of he hasn't with this child....yet.0
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i would tell her in a hot second. hes has prior bad acts that he has never been held accountable for. he needs to kept away from all children. i dont care if its true or not, error on the side of the children.
i would not hesitate. it doesnt matter what happens to you in your family, it only matters that he be kept away from children.0 -
Could they legally hold me anything if I did go to them and I were correct? I want the best for the kids but I also don't want my family knowing of me saying anything.
1. No, even if you are wrong there is no backlash, or possibility of you being in trouble for reporting it.
2. CPS is not allowed to tell the family who made the report.0 -
If you had no solid reason to be suspicious, I'd understand your hesitation. But you said you know this person molested children. That's all you need to know to tell CPS, the woman he's wanting to date, and anyone else you care to, for that matter. This is one situation, given his past, where I very firmly believe in guilty until proven innocent.0
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Here:
http://www.in.gov/dcs/2971.htm
1-800-800-5556
This is the Indiana DCS Child Abuse Hotline.
All calls are anonymous. Call them now.0 -
Please do. He is a sex offender and a pedophile.Call them now.0 -
I knew a girl in third grade who told us, her classmates, that her Daddy peed in her mouth. We all were: 1. too young to realize, 2. grossed out, and 3. told her she was a liar.
Years later, I'm still haunted by the thought that if any one of us had told an adult, she might have been saved from it.
Oh that's horrible. That poor girl. Poor everyone else.
I had a manager of my sports team who was skeevy and used to encourge us to all sit on his lap. It was a young team, and there were only two of us who were 11. We both avoided him because of how he creeped us out. At a away tournament he was found on top of one of the girls. Her roomate walked in and started screaming. The coach had to be pulled off of him because I honestly believed he would have beat him to death. (no females on the officials list. Even our scorer was a man. It was horrific, because me and my friend had to comfort the girl until her parents got there. She was understandably hysterical and I think it was worse for her because the entire team saw it. We managed to cover her up and talk to her, while a different coach took the rest of the team out. But at 11 it was a horrific experience to go through)0 -
As my 5-yr old granddaughter's karate instructor reminded with his drill to them this week, kids don't know how to communicate bad and uncomfortable stuff. They are extremely vulnerable. Adults who thoughtfully intuit something need to be the child's voice and appropriately air the concerns to the proper authorities. Those authorities then will follow through (hopefully).
Adults can or should be able to take care of themselves; children are vulnerable and cannot. The vulnerable should be our first concern.
Hope this turns out okay for the kid(s) in question.
-Debra0 -
I agree with others who have said that he needs to keep himself away from young children. I know of no cure for pedophilia. His behaviors are suspect, and I would at least make an anonymous call to a social worker with some experience with this sort of situation. As a parent, I would absolutely want to be warned about someone with child sexual abuse in their past.0
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Given that it has happened before, it's a no-brainer, I'd contact child protective services asap. He may possibly not even be allowed in proximity of children, depending on the terms of his earlier issues.0
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Here:
http://www.in.gov/dcs/2971.htm
1-800-800-5556
This is the Indiana DCS Child Abuse Hotline.
All calls are anonymous. Call them now.
This! I am not sure what state you are from, i am assuming it's the above. But in the state of Florida, unless you are a mandated reporter (counselor, teacher, etc) you are not required to give your name. You will want to have as much information as possible, I.e names, addresses, etc.
If he was prosecuted before it is an absolute must that you call. In either case,trust your gut! At the very least, If he is truly suspect and nothing comes of the call officially, maybe the attention will cause him to back off, if he was considering something.
The statistics for sexual abuse are staggering. Like almost everyone said or insinuated, better safe than sorry. Again, trust your gut.0 -
I would be dialing that number RIGHT NOW.0
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When in doubt, the safety of those unable to stand up for themselves ALWAYS takes precedence. ALWAYS. As an adult that has a reasonable suspicion of danger to children, you owe them your help.
As for pedophiles, the recidivism rate is ridiculous--example after example has shown us they don't age out of it or change their ways--even the remorseful ones. The family dynamics suck, but you bet your *kitten* I'd have warned the mom, and if she stayed with him anyway, i'd call CPS to keep an eye on them.
These are helpless kids. You owe them.0 -
Going with the Penn State example, since it's so fresh in everyone's mind, his wife obviously had her blinders on WAY past any point of rationality. Some people do that, and it's terrible. Good on you for taking a stand the first time -- I'm sorry it cost you, but the world needs people who will take action to prevent such horrible abuses. It's time to do it again.The child's safety is more important than any thing else. If I suspected something wrong, I would speak up. I don't care how unpopular I might become. It would suck to be wrong and cause that person so much trouble, but it would be far worse to be right and remain silent.
I know. I entirely know. But in the first scenario, so many people backed this person that it was unbelieveable. I was the one who brought it to light and the church, his parents, and some other members of my family didn't believe me. I don't know if it was because I was young or if it was because he and his parents are so eeply invovled with the church and I am not.
You see why I no longer go to that church and no longer trust religion.0 -
When prosecuted, many paedophiles are found to have histories of abuse that go back years, in some cases, decades, because people turned a blind eye or did not speak out, out of fear of not being believed or of creating family discord. It sounds to me like this person was not convicted previously because those older than you, and in positions of greater power, failed to take action. I'm sorry you had to experience that sense of futility and betrayal. Now, you are in a position to do something and have your truth heard. Call CPS - they should be able to investigate without drawing attention to the fact. Failing that, speak to the mother of the children, even if you aren't sure she'll listen - you may just plant that seed of awareness and caution that might protect these children from something that will stay with them for life. Have courage, and know that you are acting in the best interests of those who cannot protect themselves.0
This discussion has been closed.