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If I was your boyfriend, I'd kill myself
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She said I chewed too loud
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Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. Worst case scenario you're a mile away and they're barefoot
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She Uber'd back from her date with Hapi & charged it to my card
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We couldn't decide which country to live in
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He is the model from the cover of all of Jo's novels
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Three Amigos
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She said I had an Iced Tea problem? Which isn't true, I can drink all the Long Island Iced Teas
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Warm up: 200 swim 200 IM 300 dolphin kick with fins Main set: 2 x 500 free rest 0:45 6 x 100 swim with fins @ 1:45 200 Back 800 free @ 15:00 4 x 100 swim with fins @ 1:45 200 Back 400 paddle swim @ 8:00 200 IM @ 4:00 400 paddle swim @ 8:00 200 IM @ 4:00 3 x 100 swim with fins @ 1:45 200 Back 600 paddle swim @ 11:00 200 IM…
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Put on these steel toed boots and kick me as hard as you can in the crotch
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She wanted to pick up 14 bags of ready mix concrete, some plastic wrap and a roll of duct tape for a walk in the woods
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He told me he was covered in body glitter
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Have you been doing calisthenics? Body weight exercises like squats, push ups, pull ups, dips, lunges, leg raises, planks, crunches, sit ups? All of those can be done without purchasing equipment and can be modified to start. You can also use items around the house for some basic movements. Here are a few things I have…
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Remember I've been your age before, you've never been mine
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She looked nothing like the picture on her dating profile
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She said I was no longer comical enough for her
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Warm up: 1000 swim (100 Free/100 breast/50 back) 12 x 100 Free with fins (2 Kick/1 swim) Main set: 9 x 50 Free @ 1:00 6 x 100 Free @ 1:45 250 paddle swim 6 x 50 Free @ 1:00 5 x 100 Free @ 1:45 200 paddle swim 3 x 50 Free @ 1:00 4 x 100 Free @ 1:45 150 paddle swim 3 x 200 IM @ 4:00 3 x 200 Free with fins @ 3:00 3 x 100 Back…
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Aerosmith
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She was offended all the cutlery was plastic. I took her to the "classy" Arby's!
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she got banned from Disney world
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Yanni
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He got arrest because whenever he got a migraine he'd open up all the curtains, turn on all the lights, blare the stereo and walk around naked talking to an imaginary woman
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Some men you just can't reach. You get what we have here. Which is the way he wants it, well he gets it. I don't like it any better than you me
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She stole some lady's chapstick, then ran I away yelling "It's mine now!"
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He said he had to work
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Because she always made fun of my accent. I called her "Lady" and she thought it sounded like "laddie"
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I called you lassie! I'm Scottish, its a term of endearment! I don't recall why we broke up, I was too drunk to understand what she was saying when she left!
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Who juggles chainsaws naked?
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How is it that it takes the rest of the grit eating world 20 minutes, but it only takes you 5 minutes? Do the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove? Did you get your grits from the guy that stole Jack his beanstalk beans?
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She showed up in a top hat, riding a unicycle and juggling chainsaws