November Chit Chat
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I have a young touchy friend who has no solutions and wants to hear nothing about possible solutions. His comebacks are always "And here's why that won't work." It's exhausting, but also makes me sad -- he's so obviously depressed and in need of some direction, but just won't hear anything that might point him towards moving forward.
Le sigh.
For being guilty of a very similar thing I can say it's not easy being that way either. In my case it doesn't *really* have anything to do with depression (although the pattern does get worse when I'm not feeling great). I just have a very analytical mind and I'll always see the reason why something wouldn't work before I can figure out how to make it work. Stating the reasons why is a part of the process I try to keep internal to the best of my ability but sometimes it's good to hear yourself talk when you think, y'know?
Best piece of advice I got for dealing with someone like that is to not push the issue. The solution thinking process has started - if you keep trying to throw solutions the other party will shut him/herself off further and turn everything down. Give it time. The most humble of us will get back to you a while later and thank you for the insight, haha. Over tiem I have learned to recognize when I get into that defensive pattern and usually let people know, like "look, I'll be turning all your suggestions down from here on out, it's how I work, let's move on and avoid you being frustrated over it, okay?"
It's a very useful skill for a programmer, although it tends to drive my boss insane when I list him all the things that can go wrong about his ideas xD0 -
i kind of look a little like gidget if gidget was 50 years old, so i tend to get a lot of people who just have a habit of seeing every piece of random life-watching information from me as an excuse for suggestions. i've learned to say 'i'd prefer it if you stopped telling me what to do' and sometimes it works. sometimes they go through a disconcertment/sulk cycle or two before they adapt. sometimes people cop an offense attitude that they never get past, but it kind of weeds out the sheep from the goats so that's fine.usually let people know, like "look, I'll be turning all your suggestions down from here on out, it's how I work, let's move on and avoid you being frustrated over it, okay?"
lol. i remember this dev from my previous contract saying to one of the decision makers 'it's not going to matter to me what you say; i already know what i think. so if you're gonna say no just say it and let's both go back to our work.' i liked the guy he was talking to too, because he just said ' ah well, in that case then: no' and went back to his work. i could say things to him like 'i'm in no state to be talked to right now' and he'd just grin and leave me alone until i was calmed down enough to say what i thought of him in a more work-friendly way.It's a very useful skill for a programmer
heh. i agree. i'm working right now with a dev who is NOT analytical in that particular way although he has steaming heaps of other abilities, and he's driving a couple of us right out of our minds with inability to recognize the no-further-returns point of a big discussion.0 -
I have a young touchy friend who has no solutions and wants to hear nothing about possible solutions. His comebacks are always "And here's why that won't work." It's exhausting, but also makes me sad -- he's so obviously depressed and in need of some direction, but just won't hear anything that might point him towards moving forward.
Le sigh.
For being guilty of a very similar thing I can say it's not easy being that way either. In my case it doesn't *really* have anything to do with depression (although the pattern does get worse when I'm not feeling great). I just have a very analytical mind and I'll always see the reason why something wouldn't work before I can figure out how to make it work. Stating the reasons why is a part of the process I try to keep internal to the best of my ability but sometimes it's good to hear yourself talk when you think, y'know?
Best piece of advice I got for dealing with someone like that is to not push the issue. The solution thinking process has started - if you keep trying to throw solutions the other party will shut him/herself off further and turn everything down. Give it time. The most humble of us will get back to you a while later and thank you for the insight, haha. Over tiem I have learned to recognize when I get into that defensive pattern and usually let people know, like "look, I'll be turning all your suggestions down from here on out, it's how I work, let's move on and avoid you being frustrated over it, okay?"
I think my biggest worry with my friend is that he isn't analyzing things at all -- he's simply shutting down all options. I don't know his whole back story, but someone did a number on him so he not only believes he's beyond help, but also thinks those who could possibly help (i.e. therapists) can't or won't.
I have definitely learned (the hard way, unfortunately) to throw things out there but not push even a little bit. Of course, I'd rather he just let me take over his life and fix it, so this isn't easy for me.
But I want to be a good friend, so will keep on keeping on.
Thanks for providing a different perspective for me.
xoxox
C.
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he isn't analyzing things at all -- he's simply shutting down all options.
that sounds like an indirect way of saying 'leave me alone - but don't leave me.' you know? hope it works out and you don't end up feeling too drained or drowned. my hardest thing with depressed people is trying to ration my own degree of investment-versus-detachment with them. i have to try and make sure that i don't spend the farm in the first couple of months, because otherwise i find myself running bankrupt and cutting them off if things haven't changed by the time my resources run out.
eta: necessary because, let me be blunt: if/when somebody's depressed, there's a significant amount of not-a-whole-lot-in-this-for-me that's involved. it sounds coldblooded, but basically if it persists over a really long time, then there's a net emotional loss on my side. i'm kind of done being bottomless, personally. i can find myself nickel-and-dimed into the ground in the end.
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I wholeheartedly agree. Generally, I don't do well with one-sided relationships, so it's taking a significant amount of effort on my part at the moment since it's all about him. But, I've been where he is (perhaps not to the same degree), so I'm reminding myself that sometimes you do just have to give without getting. But I am already concerned about that inevitable moment when I can't do it anymore, which will likely only reinforce his already terrible self-esteem in a "See? I am miserable and unlovable and broken beyond repair" kind of way. Will just tread carefully for the near future -- and for me that means stomping slightly less violently than usual.
xo,
C.0 -
I only chat with people online and at work, so the types I deal with are limited for both the good and the bad.
So... I finally updated my macros on MFP to get it to recommend more than 60 grams of protein. I had to go over on the original set up to get near what I should be consuming. Now that it's fixed, my 61 so far today looks so little and sad compared to the recommended number (since I input my exercise already but haven't done it yet as that will be after work at 11 pm). Now to find something that has at least 40 grams of protein and only a couple hundred calories.... *le sighs*0 -
canadianlbs wrote: »oh and btw. never have i ever heard anyone say aboot except mayyyyyyyyybe a few maritimers. i think it's an easterner thing if it's even a truth.
in other news, i'm laughing at this. i went to the enviro-can website for my city, and they often have a 'warning' banner across the page for unusual or extreme weather, like 'wind warning' 'rainfall warning' etc etc. this time i just get 'special weather warning in effect'.
of course you can click through to the detailed info [hello studded ice-tires and several layers of clothes], but the first impression that makes is enjoyable. like, what kind of special weather? hail? mud? frogs?
The closest to aboot I've heard is the toronto accent which turns every "out" syllables into "oaut" (So it's a boat, but with a weird u lisp before the t). It's aboat time you got oat, mayte!
I would hear 'aboot' and 'hoose' on Property Brothers when it was filmed in Canada. I think it was done in Toronto so that makes sense. I grew up in Maine towards the French side and never heard that type of funny accent until HGTV.0 -
DawnEmbers wrote: »I only chat with people online and at work, so the types I deal with are limited for both the good and the bad.
So... I finally updated my macros on MFP to get it to recommend more than 60 grams of protein. I had to go over on the original set up to get near what I should be consuming. Now that it's fixed, my 61 so far today looks so little and sad compared to the recommended number (since I input my exercise already but haven't done it yet as that will be after work at 11 pm). Now to find something that has at least 40 grams of protein and only a couple hundred calories.... *le sighs*
I know it's a few days too late but I wouldn't worry about getting your macros spot on every day. I aim for about 100 grams and sometimes I'm around 60 while others I'm well over. It's difficult to reach it if I don't have meat for lunch and dinner.0 -
Yeah, I don't worry about every day. The trainer I last saw that helped show me some of the lifts also recommended 80 to 100, especially on lifting days. I just haven't cooked much so the chicken is frozen still and am can only use anything whey based occasionally. So, it's a challenge to get 80 or 100. I get to 60 some days too and less on others. Just one of those aspects need to work on. Want to try and get closer to decent levels at least on lifting days.
Though I'm reading New Rules of Lifting for Women and not sure how I feel on their meal plan already. I don't mind the occasion protein shake but like once a week, not really into the shake every single day. Will have to think things over as I continue to read.0 -
DawnEmbers wrote: »I just haven't cooked much so the chicken is frozen still and am can only use anything whey based occasionally.
i rely on protein powder and yogurt, and still i'm doing well if i manage 60, which is around my own weight in kilos. i've gotten obsessive about making soup. stock/broth especially, and then i weasel it into so much of the stuff that i cook it's almost unfunny by now. it's such a job to crowbar enough of the stuff into my life, i even look at a pile of used bones and think 'protein!' these days.
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I need to figure out how to make stock/broth. The pre made stuff is higher in sodium than I'd like. I have a protein powder, it's just not one that I care much for as I've only tried a couple kinds so far. Not always easy to find the non-whey though I could just shop online. Next time I'll try a different one. It's not so bad to bake with but the vanilla flavor is just too strong most of the time when I just try to make a shake with it. That and I need a new big pot so I can make veggie chili. I use a couple different kinds of beans in it and can always add meat when reheating since it freezes well and makes many servings.
Maybe on the week I work only 32 hours I can get my apartment in a better food situation. Would be easier if I had stuff ready throughout the week instead of scrambling. Though the pb protein bar last night wasn't bad, though whey and I had cream based soup the night before so I need to not have dairy for a few days to balance it out. Clam chowder = delicious but not sure it's worth the struggles sometimes.0 -
You just boil a carcass in some water for a few hours. You can then add onions and celery and seasonings. Did that a couple times after T-give and had awesome turkey soup. I had to add a fair amount of salt, though, because it doesn't really taste like anything. Don't know if it's any better than low sodium stock you can buy.0
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DawnEmbers wrote: »the vanilla flavor is just too strong most of the time when I just try to make a shake with it.
i crush that vanilla flavour with lots and lots of plain yogurt, frozen in ice-cube trays, and a bit of frozen fruit of whatever kind. even so i can only tolerate about half a scoop of it to about a cup of yogurt and a handful of fruit. if it's the tartness you're after from the yogurt, like i am . . . then avoid the greek stuff. more protein but much too bland and it just tastes like spackle to me.
i know it marks me out as a nerd, but i do kind of love the stock thing. i honestly don't over complicate it; just a crockpot with water, and whatever bones i'm trying to deal with right now; forget about it till you feel like dealing with it; refrigerate; freeze. i've made stock out of chicken FEET.
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I will have to try my own stock some day. I just get boneless skinless meat for now, so it will be a while plus I need a new pot. But some day.
I can't really add yogurt to the smoothie because it's hard to find non-dairy ones. I do like greek yogurt on the rare chance I eat any, but for now not something addable to make the shakes a better consistency or flavor. Eating more chicken and such will probably work out better cause the powder doesn't have that much protein compared to food options, just some slight convenience. But it's nice to add to things like pumpkin bread, gives a slight boost even if the numbers aren't that big.0 -
canadianlbs wrote: »DawnEmbers wrote: »the vanilla flavor is just too strong most of the time when I just try to make a shake with it.
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i know it marks me out as a nerd, but i do kind of love the stock thing. i honestly don't over complicate it; just a crockpot with water, and whatever bones i'm trying to deal with right now; forget about it till you feel like dealing with it; refrigerate; freeze. i've made stock out of chicken FEET.
I got flashbacks to my grandma making soup with feet sticking out then serving from the pot with the feet sticking out. Shudder.0 -
Hmmm. Remind me to request the non-feet stock if I'm ever dining at your house, @Canadian.0
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heh, i know. even i wondered what my hardcore self had got myself into when i got up the next morning and took the lid off the pot . . . they're just a horror story when they're cooked to a certain degree but haven't yet fallen apart. i can't ever do it without thinking of this appalling david lindley song called cat food sandwiches. which is one of the greatest things i've ever come across, but it leaves you with images you'll never get out of your mind if you play it all the way through to the end.
but anyway. compared with the absolutely stunning amount of fat that comes out of most chicken products . . . you don't see it in the regular way, i suppose, but if you make stock and then chill/freeze it it's impossible NOT to see two inches of solidified fat at the top. and the feet aren't too bad in that respect iirc. plus, cheap. plus, lots of chinese people and markets around here, so it's not the most upsetting thing my insular little caucasian eyes have seen for sale.
that would be, i quote verbatim, 'beef pizzle' in a supermarket only a few miles from here. i took a look at the package and i'm pretty sure it was exactly what you'd expect it to be.
my absolute best thing for making chicken stock though isn't the bones or the feet. it's these little strips that are probably left over once the supermarkets have finished making 'boneless skinless chicken breasts'. i think they cleaver through the cartilage of the breastbone or something, or they just snip off the last little inch strip of flesh where the tendon's embedded. might not want to stir fry it but it makes really grrrrreaaaaatt broth.0
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