A Come to Jesus Meeting

annieboomboom

I have been doing a lot of soul searching though out this journey. I realize that a pattern I have losing weight is to somewhere along the line, sabotage the effort.

I believe that I have become institutionalized by being overweight. I have learned to be comfortable in this skin and I suspect it is often worn as armor against any number of other personal issues.

Couple things are happening. I decided I cannot drink wine and expect this to work. And so, I have stopped. Quite scary because now, I might actually lose the weight I have struggled with for most of my life and with a life style that can make it finally happen.

And then what? I think the armor will be gone and there will be no more places to hide.

So there it is. There is the heart of the resistance I think. I have to trust that it will be ok, that I will be ok. I have to believe in me.

IamUndrCnstruction

I can very much relate to that and you are doing well by realizing it. There are many "safety" reasons we gain weight...it can be scary to let it go. I wish you (and myself) the best with our journey through this.

shadesofidaho

AnnieBoomBoom, It WILL be ok. I am so stalled myself but I just can not give up. I am no longer continuing to gain so all is good. I will lose when my body decided to let go. You can do this. I miss my wine too. We can whine at each other over missing our nectar of the grape.

FIT_Goat

I am a member of a different group. They have a cadre of older members who have a reputation for just stating things as they see them. Come in and talk about doing things "half-way" or "modifying it to suit your personal desires" and you're going to be told exactly what you don't want to hear. There are new members who get told off in a blunt manner and leave. We usually get a nice, "you should be supportive and not so mean" post when that happens. But, there are those who stick it out. They listen and try to understand. Usually, a month or so later, they come back saying they were wrong and the old guys were right all along. They didn't like hearing the truth, but they needed to hear it.

Sometimes we all need a come to Jesus meeting. I remember mine. It was artificial sweeteners. They told me exactly what I didn't want to hear (cut them out). I felt attacked and like they didn't understand. Artificial sweeteners weren't a problem for me! Sure, I drank 2+ liters of diet cola a day, but it had no calories! It wasn't bad. I did end up listening. I said, I would give it 30 days. By the end of 30 days, I realized just how much of a problem the artificial sweeteners had been for me. Suddenly, I could see all the times when I struggled most, ate the most, felt the hungriest, and so on were strongly linked to the amount of sweet foods I ate (artificially sweet or not). I didn't like being told I couldn't do what I wanted. But, I was wrong.

Glad to see you're giving the wine up. Hey, maybe you can find a place for it again, when you get to that point. But, it probably was a hindrance right now.

Sajyana

Ahhh, Goat! This is it, eh?

Weight loss has slowed right down. I'm going to take your suggestion and stop the diet cola. Right now. Thanks.

FIT_Goat

Sajyana wrote: »

Ahhh, Goat! This is it, eh?

Weight loss has slowed right down. I'm going to take your suggestion and stop the diet cola. Right now. Thanks.

It could be. I know lots of people who don't [seem to] have a problem with them. My attitude was, "I'll show them! I'll stop for 30 days and nothing will change. Then I will go right back to using them, because they weren't the problem." LOL, I never got to say, "I told you so."

The worst thing that could happen is, you cut them out for a while and nothing changes. Maybe they're not the issue. For me, I found that they were muddling my ability to detect satiety. I craved more food, and I ate more with them. If I wasn't eating more, it was because I was consciously trying to not over-eat and was feeling hungry more often. True for me, might not be true for everyone. It won't hurt to try.

Kitnthecat

Oh wow Annie, you have struck a cord with me. 10 years ago, I thought I was ready to lose my armour, and I lost 100 pounds by eating a very low fat diet ( SAD diet) and by exercising more than I could keep up with. I thought this was the way to do it back then. But what I hadn't counted on was that I was totally unprepared emotionally to deal with being 100 pounds lighter. I was not at home in my own body, and felt uncomfortable being viewed by others in a different way. Flattery was kind of scary. Anyway, when crisis presented itself in my life, I reached for the only way I have ever had to comfort myself, and put my armour back on pound by pound, and then some. Of course this extra padding protects us from something we have not dealt with ( within ourselves) adequately. I think you are right in that we sabotage our efforts, likely out of fear.

I have now lost 66 pounds again ( 58 pounds of it pre-MFP), this time in a way I consider much healthier and sustainable. Eating low carb, and for me now keto, feels very different from the way I lost weight in the past....I feel good ! I am happy, and I don't feel deprived. I am sure that my feeling of well being is much better as a result. I am committed to this way of eating. I feel for the first time in my life that this can be done and I can lose the rest of this excess weight. And I feel very strongly that my true self deep down inside me, can now handle taking these last pounds off. It is about making choices truthfully. I'm ready to expose myself to whatever happens during this journey. Wow ! You can do it too. I wish you much success on your journey !

kirkor

FIT_Goat wrote: »

I am a member of a different group. They have a cadre of older members who have a reputation for just stating things as they see them. Come in and talk about doing things "half-way" or "modifying it to suit your personal desires" and you're going to be told exactly what you don't want to hear.

Which group?

FIT_Goat

kirkor wrote: »

Which group?

They're not on MFP, as they're anti-tracking and counting. Currently they're on Facebook. They used to have a forum, it's now closed. It's a zero-carb group. No plant matter of any sort. If you're interested, it's called "Zeroing in on health". They're extremists, about the polar opposite of this group (aside from being low-carb, although they don't count carbs).

GrannyMayOz

Hi Annie I understand completely about the armour - that's what mine has been too.

1. Padding myself in the hope that it would give some protection from the incredibly harmful words and actions other people had the power to emotionally cripple me with. I grew up with a narcissistic mother so I knew that my safety relied on remaining hyper-vigilant of everyone's feelings and making sure I fixed everything before she could be upset by it. I grew to know that *everything* was my fault that it happened, and my duty to fix, fully and fast or I'd suffer.

2. As well as that, I seem so able to 'feel' the negative emotions of people around me that I think those feelings are my own - they're not. Someone angry (in general, but towards me even moreso!), or nervous, scared - any negative emotion that is 'bad' to feel - and the feeling would 'come into me' so that it felt as if I had literally been punched in the solar plexus, and it would linger on for a while after they'd gone.

3. I think I also had a fear that if I was slim I would be completely invisible and not matter, even 1% to anyone. Which is ridiculous, but it's how I felt.

4. Every time I lost weight I got jealous responses from family and colleagues and, as per item 1, getting any attention at all, positive or negative, meant there would be a backlash from mother. If attention was directed away from her I got to suffer. Even though I got married at 18 and left home, the damage done in those first 18 years, and in contact after that, has taken me 40 years to fully shift.

I have finally overcome the main damage that mother did, though of course I will never be a truly outgoing human. But I've learned slowly, and in the past couple of years really thoroughly, that it is safe for me to let the padding go. That just because I'm 'small' doesn't mean I'm more vulnerable. I see friends or TV characters who are tiny, yet strong. You don't need to be able to throw someone in order to use your words and body language to protect yourself. That still fascinates me, but I'm finally being able to assimilate it.

Having dumped all of that on you - for the sake of hoping you can related to some of it and won't feel alone - I wish you an easy time of giving away the wine. I've never been a drinker but I can relate from the sugar and carbs aspect; I just couldn't get enough of those shoveled down my throat

GrannyMayOz

@Kitnthecat hugs and understanding to you. Congratulations on beating the psychological handicap and powering on through. I wish you continued freedom of mind in your new body squeeee.

radiii

annieboomboom wrote: »

And then what? I think the armor will be gone and there will be no more places to hide.

I can so relate to this, I'm here RIGHT NOW, as in today. And I can tell you that its scary, but its so much better than the alternative, at least it is for me.

I've lost 110 pounds from my highest weight, have 30 to go. I've joined a gym and go regularly. All of that brought up some problems that require physical therapy that literally ended today, about 7 hours ago. I've been able to dump my entire focus into these things. And now, i have the thought, "ok, what's next?" And its a damn scary thought, because I don't know. For me, anxiety issues maybe need to be next, or relationship issues. REALLY scary stuff, WAY harder to work on than what I've accomplished so far.


But you know what? so right now my thought is a scary "What's next?" Last January before I started keto my thoughts were "How many years do I have left before a heart attack, or stroke, or irreversable complications from diabetes?"

The thought of what to do next with my life might scare me a little, but damn if it isn't a whole heck of a lot better than wondering how much (or little) a life I have left if I don't really make changes.

Hiding, as you phrased it, its safe. But its unbelievably rewarding to decide that you're going to put yourself in a place where you don't need to anymore.

GrannyMayOz

I think we could start an emotional support thread. I'll go do that now, but I don't want to be 'in charge' of it and feel responsible for answering every post. I suspect it will run itself anyway. So on those grounds, off I go...

parkdad73

[/quote]And now, i have the thought, "ok, what's next?" And its a damn scary thought, because I don't know. For me, anxiety issues maybe need to be next, or relationship issues. REALLY scary stuff, WAY harder to work on than what I've accomplished so far.[/quote]

This is where I am at too. Being overweight was my excuse for not accomplishing more. I was going to get the job/promotion/accepted because I was overweight and I was overweight because of "genetics".

As that excuse whittles away I can't help but feeling like everyone else is thinking "Well, what's wrong with him?"

annieboomboom

Wonderful, honest responses that touched me deeply.

I took a fabulous memoir class with Joyce Maynard last summer . Before she let us write, she stripped us of all the pretense, all the cover up and when we were at the bottom, she told us we were now ready to write.
The authentic life starts with yourself.
You matter most.

GrannyMayOz

I wish there was a 'Like' button for posts on here.

Twibbly

I think I may need to eat more like Fit Goat, at least for a little bit until my body gets that I'm not going to feed it carbs anymore. I think that, for now, moderation may not be something I'm capable of. I better find some liver though, my husband is going to have a fit about the lack of vegetation!

Kitnthecat

Wow, my heart is full. Thanks GrannyMayOz for your words. I can relate to a lot of what you disclosed too. What a wonderful idea to start some emotional support for people like us who know it's not just about trying to lose weight. If it were not for the emotional baggage / fear of being authentic / excuses about why we "can't" lose weight....we would have lost all the weight by now, wouldn't we ? Annie, we all can do it !

annieboomboom

Yes. Getting your head right about what it is your want is a good place to start

KnitOrMiss

annieboomboom wrote: »

I have been doing a lot of soul searching though out this journey. I realize that a pattern I have losing weight is to somewhere along the line, sabotage the effort.

I believe that I have become institutionalized by being overweight. I have learned to be comfortable in this skin and I suspect it is often worn as armor against any number of other personal issues.

Couple things are happening. I decided I cannot drink wine and expect this to work. And so, I have stopped. Quite scary because now, I might actually lose the weight I have struggled with for most of my life and with a life style that can make it finally happen.

And then what? I think the armor will be gone and there will be no more places to hide.

So there it is. There is the heart of the resistance I think. I have to trust that it will be ok, that I will be ok. I have to believe in me.

@annieboomboom‌ I spent the better part of 5-6 months last year getting my head on straight, out of my @$$, and back in the game. If I hadn't taken that time, I wouldn't have had even half the chance I have today of winning against the old me.

My biggest fear has always been a fear of success, undermining myself, and all that. Ironically, saying all that, those fears kind of feel like they are fading and disappearing, and that's terrifying of itself.

I spent a lot of time blogging last year, too, if you're interested in reading anything (my biggest turning point aside from years back was October of last year). Kudos to you for calling yourself out!! My blog link: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/KnitOrMiss

And as for the others talking about a support thread, I'm a member of an awesome Morbid Obesity group on here, if anyone wants the link. I don't know if the group is opened or closed (for privacy) at the moment, but I can ask them to open it if anyone is interested!

annieboomboom

Thanks for your input and I am sure it will help others.