A Come to Jesus Meeting

parkdad73

I do, however, strongly encourage everyone not to dwell on these things too much. You must take ownership of the part you played. You may not have control over what happens(ed) to you but you do have control over how you react(ed) to it.
Acknowledging that gives you back control over the situation. That control gives you the ability to make a change which fosters the belief that change will happen!
That was a big turning point in my own life and key to my own weight loss victory. I chose to be fat. Whatever it was I was trying to control (fear, self-doubt, self-worth, fear of success, loneliness) I chose food and an armor of fat as my shield. I chose it!
I finally stopped choosing it!

parkdad73

Sorry to have killed this topic

Sajyana

Maybe it just died a natural death.

Either way, I agree with you. Crap things happen in life. You can't escape that and you can't always affect or control it. What you can do is control how you react and respond to it.

annieboomboom

Narcissism. I didn't know what it was until I was an adult. Ah ha, I thought. My mother. I have met others who suffered a narcissitic parent, spouse, sister.

I started writing. Memoir. A fabulous class with Joyce Maynard brought the light. She stripped us down before telling us we were now ready to write.
Take a memoir class. Many are offered if you look around.
Or, just write. But my advice; do not try and be someone you are not . Make it real.
You don't have to share with anyone but sometimes it helps.

Say that frozen custard recipe is fabulous. An electric ice cream maker is not expensive. Indulge.

cathy120861

Just wanted to post a thank you to everyone who took the risk of being honest and revealing themselves on this thread. Reading all of these comments meant a lot to me.

Sajyana

I grew up in an abusive household. I was teased mercilessly (read all day every day for 10 years) at school for being fat. My mother avoided all responsibility for my emotional well being.

But you know what? I decided I could do better than that. I made a conscious decision in my teens to do better than that. I took French at high school and listened to Mr Rainbow talk about France and how he had lived there for a few years. It was then that I realised there was more to life and I could have it.

I pumped petrol and made burgers on the weekends to afford to go to university because my father said girls don't need an education so he wasn't paying for it. I was the first person in my family to go to university. My parents didn't even get past primary school. When I was 21 I moved with a friend from a hick mining backwater in northern Queensland to Sydney to get away because most of my friends were married and having children and I wanted something different.

I'd always been interested in meditating so I learned how. This reduced my stress and I was able to control impulsive responses to situations. I immersed myself in multiculturalism to learn about races and cultures that my family found so abhorrent. I met different types of people. I traveled.

My sister followed me. For which I am eternally grateful.

I've seen a big chunk of Australia. I've been to Europe and the UK twice. We took the kids with us in 2012. This year we're going to NZ. We've worked damned hard and are comfortable financially. I grew up in a family surviving on a labourer's wage. So many of my cousins are in that family cycle. Good for them if they're happy with their choices. (I really mean that.) I wanted different so I worked for it. I made it happen.

I'm damn well going to make this work too. Now that I have the knowledge and information that I need, I can do it.

If I can, you can too.

camtosh

Thanks for the reference to Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with life. By Margalis Fjelstad. I found a preview on Google books, it explains a lot about an acquaintance of mine who is going through hell right now. http://books.google.co.jp/books?id=aciFU9rNt84C&pg=PA219&source=gbs_toc_r&cad=2#v=onepage&q&f=false
Hang in there.

GrannyMayOz

I too found that writing is incredibly healing. Nobody told me to do it, I just found that it was therapeutic by myself. Since the days of computers it's even better because I can type much faster whilst getting the feelings and memories out, I can read it over and over and over (which I find the most healing part of it all!) and fine-tune the words so they are the most precise ones for the task - another aspect that I find soothing and healing.

Most of us find our own path to healing. Those who don't enjoy wallowing in their pain find ways to heal. I don't see anyone in these threads wallowing, we are all seeking that peace, and perhaps some understanding of the why. For myself, discovering the word 'narcissist', and all that meant, helped me so much to understand what my mother is and why she behaved the way she did. It was the biggest relief to me. And I made a list of the hurtful things from my childhood that were now explained by her Title. That list has passed 100 items (some of them repeated over and over) and I can now look through it and laugh, with no pain, at her pathetic, childish behaviour.

annieboomboom

I am humbled by the great responses knowing we all carry something that , if we allow it to, will interrupt our lives. Choice is always an option as Sajyna so eloquently shared; what strength there is in choice.

I don't think about I missed from my mother, but instead, focus on the strengths I gained from making choices that were good for me.

No one escapes sadness or pain. How you come to terms with these life lessons is what will define you .

GrannyMayOz

You're definitely right Annie. And there's always a blessing in having a rotten parent (or two) - we know the way that we want to treat our own family and friends. We know that we don't want to inflict those things on others. We are strong. We are changers of lives around us, and still to come

Kitnthecat

Very well said ladies. The important part is what you choose to do about your painful situation and how you move on. I love you ladies, for your strength, and for your warmth. You are truly inspirational !

Sajyana

I also found that I just stopped buying into the drama. I just don't respond, saying nothing. The discussion will very quickly move onto another topic with the potential drama left blowing in the breeze.

I only tell my Mum what I'm comfortable with the entire extended family knowing. She has no boundaries and does not respect anyone elses so I just don't tell her things.

I don't like to gossip. Often it's just nasty heresay and if I don't know if it's true or not I respond with something along the lines of: I don't know the details of that situation or whether it's true or not so I'm not in a position to offer an opinion.

People don't like it but that's ok with me. I'm happier not buying into or causing unneeded drama. Life is easier when it's calmer. It doesn't make me a whole bunch of friends but I'd rather have close friends that I trust. People who talk with you about others will talk with others about you.

What I have found with taking better care of my body is that I am stronger in defending myself and standing up for myself. I have greater respect for myself and I will fight to keep that.

yturie47

You are all so awesome! I believe this is a significant problem that many people don't recognize or know how to deal with in their relationships. Your posts are wonderful examples of coping with this dysfunction and protecting oneself effectively.

Jolene5329

FIT_Goat wrote: »

Sometimes we all need a come to Jesus meeting. I remember mine. It was artificial sweeteners. They told me exactly what I didn't want to hear (cut them out). I felt attacked and like they didn't understand. Artificial sweeteners weren't a problem for me! Sure, I drank 2+ liters of diet cola a day, but it had no calories! It wasn't bad. I did end up listening. I said, I would give it 30 days. By the end of 30 days, I realized just how much of a problem the artificial sweeteners had been for me. Suddenly, I could see all the times when I struggled most, ate the most, felt the hungriest, and so on were strongly linked to the amount of sweet foods I ate (artificially sweet or not). I didn't like being told I couldn't do what I wanted. But, I was wrong.

When I told the weight loss doctor I'm seeing I kicked diet drinks she said, "Your liver will thank you." I'm a diabetic and I discovered the fake sugar was making me crave the real and processed junk. Good for you stopping it!