Weightloss used AGAINST me! Urgh!!!!
_jayciemarie_
Posts: 574 Member
I have been in a dysfunctional relationship on/off for nearly 5yrs. Right now, we are just roommates and NOT getting along. He is a selfish a-hole and a horrible communicator. We traditionally have dinner together because I cook enough for 2 and hate leftovers. Monday I didn't feel like cooking and we were really mad at each other. He sends me a text around 6:30pm "Guessing I'm on my own for dinner". I reply with "Yep". About 3hrs later he gets home. I ask him where he has been? He gets defensive and bitchy with me, but tells me he was out with his brother. I asked where. He said the Casino. Fair enough. Left it at that. The next morning I decided that I would go to a movie because they are only $5 and have a yummy $2 hotdog. Oh...and I wanted to see Spy (which was really funny). So, I tell him before I leave that he is on his own for dinner. He says Ok. I get a text around 5pm and he says "So, am I on my own for dinner?". I said "Yep". Left it at that. Went to the movie and came home. He asked me "Did you have fun?" I said "Yes". He said "That is good". He then went to his room and I went to my room. This morning when he wakes up and I'm about ready to leave for work he goes on and on about how he told me where he was and what he was doing and who he is was with. I explained to him that actually he only told me when I asked those questions. (I knew it was killing him to know what I did, but I wasn't going to divulge info without being prompt to do so). He finally asks "Did you drink?". I said "No". Then "Out for Wings?". (It used to be my Tuesday thing a long time ago). I said "No, actually I went to a movie". Ok
THIS is why I'm posting this dumb drama
he then said "THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU LOSE WEIGHT". Umm...what? He then said "Last year when you lost weight you started going out and not cooking dinner for us and being vague about who you were with and drinking". He then said "Now since you lost weight on this new diet you are doing it again". I WAS FURIOUS!!!!!! The only thing I find positive about myself is my discipline to stick with something like weightloss. I work my butt off and it requires a LOT of patience and self sacrifices in order to achieve your goal. He was, basically, belittling me and using weightloss negatively towards me.
Am I just a drama queen and being too sensitive?
THIS is why I'm posting this dumb drama
he then said "THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU LOSE WEIGHT". Umm...what? He then said "Last year when you lost weight you started going out and not cooking dinner for us and being vague about who you were with and drinking". He then said "Now since you lost weight on this new diet you are doing it again". I WAS FURIOUS!!!!!! The only thing I find positive about myself is my discipline to stick with something like weightloss. I work my butt off and it requires a LOT of patience and self sacrifices in order to achieve your goal. He was, basically, belittling me and using weightloss negatively towards me.
Am I just a drama queen and being too sensitive?
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Replies
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There's a drama queen, but it's not you.0
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Wow....Can you not leave this POS and move out? He sounds a bit toxic to me. I don't think you're being a dramaqueen. It sounds to me like he's taking something awesome you're doing and trying to make it not awesome to control you or something.0
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That's gotta be hard to live with, especially with the longevity in your relationship and being up and down, on and off. I assume you can't move out?
I don't think you're being a drama queen but I also think that perhaps those comments wouldn't have upset you nearly as much if they were to come from a different person. It sounds like it is causing a lot of unnecessary stress, and his comments shouldn't affect how you feel about yourself.0 -
There are a lot of issues here, but none of it has to do with your weight loss. He is obviously insecure and finds it threatening that you are striving to lose weight and that you do anything independently. You are a very beautiful woman and it scares him. He won't admit it though.0
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In our heart we often know what our next move should be but it does not make taking that step easy. Often until we make that first step our options are not easy to see. Best of luck and I bet you have more options than you see at this point. Spy was funny.0
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Ugh, that sounds miserable! We will all cheer for you when he moves out.
People driven by jealousy do and say crazy things. Enlist help from friends to be on call to pick you up if you sense a big confrontation coming.0 -
He is a narcissist. He can only say nice things about himself. Never compliments me. Never shows affection. Never touches me. For the longest time (and one of the many reasons I started weightloss) is because of how I saw myself through his eyes. I felt ugly and unlovable. Once I started losing weight I did change how I saw myself. I guess he is just threatened that he doesn't have control over how I think about myself. Idk. I told you guys it was dysfunctional. I moved out last June because of everything. Looks like history is going to repeat itself. So much for the little "Hope" I was holding on to.0
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_jayciemarie_ wrote: »He is a narcissist. He can only say nice things about himself. Never compliments me. Never shows affection. Never touches me. For the longest time (and one of the many reasons I started weightloss) is because of how I saw myself through his eyes. I felt ugly and unlovable. Once I started losing weight I did change how I saw myself. I guess he is just threatened that he doesn't have control over how I think about myself. Idk. I told you guys it was dysfunctional. I moved out last June because of everything. Looks like history is going to repeat itself. So much for the little "Hope" I was holding on to.
Me thinks it's time to dump the loser and get out of dodge. I'm guessing he wasn't that bad when you guys started out, or he was better at hiding it?
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Jayce, your health is pretty high on the priority list. Some resenting that is acting like a real narcissist.
Sounds like conflict resolution issues. Not a good prediction for relational longevity.0 -
Run! Run run run run run. Don't waste a minute more of life on this loser than you have to xx0
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_jayciemarie_ wrote: »He is a narcissist. He can only say nice things about himself. Never compliments me. Never shows affection. Never touches me. For the longest time (and one of the many reasons I started weightloss) is because of how I saw myself through his eyes. I felt ugly and unlovable. Once I started losing weight I did change how I saw myself. I guess he is just threatened that he doesn't have control over how I think about myself. Idk. I told you guys it was dysfunctional. I moved out last June because of everything. Looks like history is going to repeat itself. So much for the little "Hope" I was holding on to.
Yeah...there's no such thing as hope with people like that. Sounds like pretty typical "cycle of abuse" type behavior -- be all nicey nice at first, tension starts building, he goes off and says garbage like that, then gets all apologies and "it won't happen again, I promise!" on you and the cycle repeats itself.
Leave that jerk behind and don't look back this time.0 -
Ugh...
Psychological warfare makes a terrible relationship
That had to be amazing to hear your weight loss used against you.
A wtf moment for sure0 -
May I ask why you allowed this to continue? 5 years, even on and off is a very long time.0
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Darling...there's this book called Broken Toys Broken Dreams. Grab you a copy it's pretty cheap on Amazon. Read it then kick his *kitten* to the curb. That's complete emotional abuse and you are not worth that. You need to focus on you. And do it for a while, I mean like a good long while. I've had about 2 years worth and I realize now that stuff like that is COMPLETELY unacceptable. And you don't have to accept it. I don't care what your situation is like you CAN and need to get away from him. Drama Drama Drama....no no no0
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He will say "I want to quit drinking". "I want to exercise". "I want to lose weight". etc. His actions NEVER EVER match his words. I remember a time last April. We had a birthday party for one of his friends and he told me the entire drive there "We are not drinking. Under no circumstances do you let me drink. We will leave at 9pm". Yeah...we get there and he sees his friend and his friend buys us a drink. I had club soda. He had a beer. One beer led to several--even with me saying "Hey, you didn't want to drink". I was told to "lighten up". At 9pm I was ready to go, because what fun is it when everyone around you is getting hammered and you are the only sober one? Yeah....9pm leads to midnight. I said "I'm leaving". He called me a *kitten* and gave me his keys. I walked about a mile (alone) in a downtown college town, went into a dark parking garage, and left. The next day I was scolded for leaving him. I'm not his mom. This was one of the MANY reasons I left him a month later.0
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Time to find a new room mate?0
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I wasn't starting this thread to bash him though. I was just dumbfounded when my weightloss was thrown at me like it was a negative thing I'm doing to hurt him and/or our relationship.0
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It is a negative thing, he's jealous of the fact that you have the commitment to do something and he doesnt.
Truly there's no good for you in keeping him in your life, as a roomate, partner, acquaintaince, or someone you'd like to forget.0 -
You need to watch out for you! He has issues that you can't do anything about. They arent because of you nor were they created by you! Time can't be recovered!0
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_jayciemarie_ wrote: »I wasn't starting this thread to bash him though. I was just dumbfounded when my weightloss was thrown at me like it was a negative thing I'm doing to hurt him and/or our relationship.
I think if it's reached the point where you're starting searchable world-wide-web threads which detail your perception of his behavior within the private, intimate relationship you've agreed to share with him (and within the home that you have chosen to live with him) then it's time to re-evaluate. A lot of things.
There is much wisdom in this
I would be hesitant to get into a relationship with a person that feels comfortable blasting details to the entire planet.
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_jayciemarie_ wrote: »I wasn't starting this thread to bash him though. I was just dumbfounded when my weightloss was thrown at me like it was a negative thing I'm doing to hurt him and/or our relationship.
I think if it's reached the point where you're starting searchable world-wide-web threads which detail your perception of his behavior within the private, intimate relationship you've agreed to share with him (and within the home that you have chosen to live with him) then it's time to re-evaluate. A lot of things.
I don't share my personal business on social media sites like Facebook/instagram/twitter. I don't gossip with family/friends about my relationship. Sure, I may talk about private things on here (to an extent), but I don't know anyone on this site personally. I honestly just wanted to know if people have been treated differently (In a negative way) because they lost weight, because I was dumbfounded it could be done.
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_jayciemarie_ wrote: »I wasn't starting this thread to bash him though. I was just dumbfounded when my weightloss was thrown at me like it was a negative thing I'm doing to hurt him and/or our relationship.
I think if it's reached the point where you're starting searchable world-wide-web threads which detail your perception of his behavior within the private, intimate relationship you've agreed to share with him (and within the home that you have chosen to live with him) then it's time to re-evaluate. A lot of things.
There is much wisdom in this
I would be hesitant to get into a relationship with a person that feels comfortable blasting details to the entire planet.
Edit: I'm kind of new to this internet social phenomenon. It seems fraught with opportunities to make missteps. I do it all the time. The permanence and public nature of comments is tricky.
I used to have to worry if a friend heard a stupid comment. Now hurtful words can linger forever.
Something for me to consider carefully.0 -
_jayciemarie_ wrote: »_jayciemarie_ wrote: »I wasn't starting this thread to bash him though. I was just dumbfounded when my weightloss was thrown at me like it was a negative thing I'm doing to hurt him and/or our relationship.
I think if it's reached the point where you're starting searchable world-wide-web threads which detail your perception of his behavior within the private, intimate relationship you've agreed to share with him (and within the home that you have chosen to live with him) then it's time to re-evaluate. A lot of things.
I don't share my personal business on social media sites like Facebook/instagram/twitter. I don't gossip with family/friends about my relationship. Sure, I may talk about private things on here (to an extent), but I don't know anyone on this site personally. I honestly just wanted to know if people have been treated differently (In a negative way) because they lost weight, because I was dumbfounded it could be done.
I haven't experienced it, personally, but I ended up sort of losing a friend, because he and his wife had lost a bunch of weight and he and I were workout buddies (he was an aspiring personal trainer and helped me get started). She went nuts, because she was paranoid that he was going to leave her for for me or someone hotter or something (never mind the fact that I'm also married, and he was so not my type and I had zero interest in him like that). She started calling and keeping him on the phone for pretty much our whole gym sessions and would interfere and keep him from keeping our sessions and whatnot. It eventually got to the point that I just gave up and went without him for a while, and eventually stopped going altogether and found something else to do.
Regardless, I think for you, it's about more than just your weight or looks. Those are just the current excuse/scapegoat.0 -
Not sure I'm following this. You're looking sexier, your boyfriend is jealous when you go out without him, and you're upset by his jealousy? Sounds like a perfectly normal relationship. Kiss and make up.
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GaleHawkins wrote: »In our heart we often know what our next move should be but it does not make taking that step easy. Often until we make that first step our options are not easy to see. Best of luck and I bet you have more options than you see at this point. Spy was funny.
Beautifully said and oh so true.
Jayciemarie most people are happy for me for losing weight. If he is not happy for you then it is another sign of his abuse. Been in your shoes. Took 13 years to figure it out. Such a waste of time for me and so much emotion. They never change. No matter how kind you are to them. Best of luck to you in whatever you choose.
Keep on your WOE. for you and no one else.
Maggie0 -
My ex used to work in a bariatric clinic, and I know a number of people who have had these procedures. It happened frequently that a person that loses a lot of weight finds a new partner. I think there is a lot on insecurity when you see that your partner is changing. If there were problems in the relationship already then this would only add to or multiply them.
If you are feeling better about yourself your partner is likely worried that you will be moving on. It sounds like he may have something to worry about. While it may be difficult, it may be a good thing for both of you. If you decide there is something there worth working for, might as well start now. This situation won't improve on it's own.0 -
You're first sentence (of the original post) says it all. You know in your heart what's right, when you're ready you'll put in the energy for movement in the right direction.0
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The guy does indeed sound insecure and jealous. He's probably worried that when you lose weight, you get your confidence back and maybe others will see how awesome you are.
Of course there are always 2 sides to things, though. Maybe in his mind, he sees you're making yourself pretty for SOMEBODY ELSE and SNEAKING AROUND. If you do care to work on the relationship, he'll have to work with you to overcome his own jealousy, and you'll have to work on reassuring him.
As others have said, though, might be time to just focus on improving your own health and not let him bring you down.
Yeah...this is what happens when you lose weight. He loses control. Must be scary for him!
-T.
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Eee gawd I'd have snapped by now. No man has the right to treat you that way, no matter what you look like. In my opinion you should leave. And barring that, end the relationship and get a new boyfriend that stays over a bunch.0
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_jayciemarie_ wrote: »He is a narcissist. He can only say nice things about himself. Never compliments me. Never shows affection. Never touches me. For the longest time (and one of the many reasons I started weightloss) is because of how I saw myself through his eyes. I felt ugly and unlovable. Once I started losing weight I did change how I saw myself. I guess he is just threatened that he doesn't have control over how I think about myself. Idk. I told you guys it was dysfunctional. I moved out last June because of everything. Looks like history is going to repeat itself. So much for the little "Hope" I was holding on to.
Good riddance to hope, then. Seriously. Feeds denial for too many. You can do better than this guy.0
