I'm so sick of....
DianaElena76
Posts: 1,241 Member
....my husband's comments that I'm losing too much weight. I am still obese! I'm 5'1" and barely under 190 lbs, and yesterday's remark was, "I've always told you I don't want you to look like a Victoria's Secret model. They're too skinny. That's just not attractive." Seriously??? While I appreciate that others notice I'm losing weight, I have begun to dread DH's remarks. I am nowhere near where I want to be yet! Why can't he understand that I'm doing this for me and my health and longevity? I'm not going to stop because of his comments, but it's kind of discouraging. He compliments me on my weight loss and then says he hopes I don't lose too much more. Ugghhhh. Sorry. I had to get that out.
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Have you talked to him about it? Odds are good he doesn't realize that his remarks are hurting you. Explain that the weight you're currently at is not healthy and that you're doing it for health, not to look like a VS model or fit into a size 0 (if that's not the size you naturally end up at, given your height).0
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I have been at times shocked and dismayed by reactions of friends and fam. Strangers have been kinder and more encouraging. With a mate, I might suspect he is afraid of how you'll be as a thin person. Will his place be threatened? A form of sabatoge. Friends of mine I think are just petty and jealous. Have actually yelled at me for my diet and exercise choices which are not extreme. I dont understand it, but I've learned to just minimize those interactions and continue on my merry weight-losing, health-seeking way.0
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Dragonwolf wrote: »Have you talked to him about it? Odds are good he doesn't realize that his remarks are hurting you. Explain that the weight you're currently at is not healthy and that you're doing it for health, not to look like a VS model or fit into a size 0 (if that's not the size you naturally end up at, given your height).
Well yeah. I always respond to him with replies similar to what you list here. I tell him that I want to be healthy and fit and active well into my 60s and beyond. I was in my mid-30s when we started our family, and I point out that I need to keep myself fit so I won't be an "old" mom when our kids are in high school. I need to be able to keep up with them! I mean, obviously I will be the same amount of years old regardless of whether I'm still obese or not, but I want to age well. When I was fatter I always thought he said those things to make me feel better, but now I realize it's more than that. It's like... he understands, but he's so focused on how he sees me that he sometimes forgets and just says stupid *kitten*.
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I have been at times shocked and dismayed by reactions of friends and fam. Strangers have been kinder and more encouraging. With a mate, I might suspect he is afraid of how you'll be as a thin person. Will his place be threatened? A form of sabatoge. Friends of mine I think are just petty and jealous. Have actually yelled at me for my diet and exercise choices which are not extreme. I dont understand it, but I've learned to just minimize those interactions and continue on my merry weight-losing, health-seeking way.
I do think he feels threatened on some level, but for crying out loud, am I expected to sabotage my own health to cater to his insecurities? I refuse. But the next time he waves potato chips or cookies or whatever under my nose, I just may punch him.
I can't believe people have yelled at you for your choices. That is completely unacceptable.0 -
My guy has always expressed his ... penchant for the "short little fat girl," but he admires a fit woman, too. I think it heightens his own lack of fitness to think of being with a healthier person. He has told me repeatedly that he loves my curve and my size and all that, and he worries that I will want to lose too much weight, but like you, I want to feel comfortable looking in a mirror and be fit and fabulous as I live my life. I'm still nowhere near where I want to be, as I'm 5'4" tall, 39 years old, and 245 pounds, give or take five. I believe to not be consider MORBIDLY OBESE, I have to be below 220 pounds. I had minor curves as a teen/early twenty something, and I'm not obsessed with how much a scale says as a whole, but I do want to lose some of my risks with obesity related diseases and such.
I can see the concern in losing too much weight, but as you say, I think this is more to do with his insecurities (especially with his diagnosis of diabetes and such, he feels like it is impossible to get healthier despite seeing you do just that), as he loved you when you got together, but the way he feels, he's gone downhill, and you've improved. Any marital struggles seem amplified with the "you're looking better, how can you still want me" mess that men, particularly depressed and emotional men, face but won't admit or talk to anyone about...
I look at pictures of myself in my 20's and think that some of them are just too darned thin, and I wouldn't want to be that thin again - I have a woman's body. But, you do have to do this for you. I don't know about punching him when he tries to tempt you, but I can say that my guy kept trying to tempt me, too, but eventually stopped when I got firm with him. He still seems shocked when I have a treat now and again ("I thought you were avoiding all bread stuff?"). I get tired of explaining to him that if it is a choice I make and work in, that is fine, but I don't need him compounding the temptations I already face. I don't remember what i said that got through to him, but out of curiosity, I'll ask... If it makes sense, I'll share...
I apologize for the rambling here, but I couldn't get much more coherent than this!0 -
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I experienced this in my 20's with my hubby, then boyfriend. I had lost a lot of weight and was getting super skinny. All of a sudden his friends were paying me all kinds of attention and that really annoyed the crap out of him. He's always been a big guy and personally, if it wasn't for his health, I'm fine with him they way he is. I agree it's definitely an insecurity thing with them. It was fine when I was the fat girlfriend that I'm sure his friends ragged him on, but not so much when I became something they were interested in too. It was amusing at the time, but in hindsight, I'm glad he got better friends. I love my big ole bear of a man, as much now as then.
He's back on track and is losing again so maybe this time since we're getting skinny together he'll be less grouchy about it.
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I can empathize with this, though not exactly in the same way. My boyfriend and I have this conversation a lot. He knows I am working hard; I had lost about 35lbs before we met, but my weight has kind of stayed in the same 5-10lb range since then (almost 8 months ago), until I just started LCHF. He of course says (and his actions show) that he's supportive, and wants me to be happy, and he knows for me that means being smaller (and healthier, of course), but he also brings it up all the freakin' time! Like I know I make a lot of body comments and I need to get better about it (just dumb things like saying I'm having a "fat day" or whatever), but as soon as I slip and say something slightly negative, I feel like he tries to overcompensate by going on this 10 minute lecture about how I'm too mean to myself and he loves me just the way I am and I'm perfect and beautiful and blah blah blah (I know, I have it so rough! /sarcasm). I've just started to notice more and more how my body/size/weight/body image/etc. comes up a lot in our day-to-day lives, and it's starting to bug me. I'm actually going to a special therapist next week to see about getting some help for my body image issues, disordered thinking/eating issues, etc. I'm hoping that I can maybe get MY focus off of these things, which may then translate to HIM not talking so much about it any more.
Hang in there!
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It is a two way street with insecurity
Yes
Men feel it too, very much so.
But I have had a woman tell me there is no way I wanted her anymore after I lost a hundred pounds.
Co workers say I'm getting too skinny.
Stupid comments. I am anything but skinny.
It is sad when that happens. Fear usually shows itself in an ugly way
But as it worked out with the earlier girl, negativity drove a wedge between us and it did end, but not over weight.
Now I have a sweet loving gf I absolutely adore
And she thinks she needs to lose weight. But not in a bad way that hurts our relationship. I like her curves. Lots.
I just take lightly comments on looks now. Only her comments matter besides how I feel.
It feels good to be lusted for. I'm not gonna let some dumb comments steal that sweet part of our relationship.
If you worked hard to get in shape, by all means enjoy it!
You deserve to feel good about yourself!
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@Mami1976D I read your profile: "in all honestly it's just for me" -- that is the best possible rationale for doing what you are doing. Hubby will just have to understand, and if he can't understand, at the very least he needs to deal with it. It's your body.
Your motives aren't entirely selfish, I know that. You want to be around a long time for your children, and for your husband too. But it's ok to be selfish about our health and there is no better time than now to start. After all, who wants to give up the best years of their lives nurturing a family only to face their retirement years with increasing health problems? Or worse, see our health and fitness deteriorate while our kids are active and want to be close with us?
Spouses who are heavy themselves and aren't doing anything about it can face all sorts of insecurity for real or imagined reasons, as can insecure fit spouses.
Lots of honest open communication may help if that's the case.
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@Mami1976D I read your profile: "in all honestly it's just for me" -- that is the best possible rationale for doing what you are doing. Hubby will just have to understand, and if he can't understand, at the very least he needs to deal with it. It's your body.
Your motives aren't entirely selfish, I know that. You want to be around a long time for your children, and for your husband too. But it's ok to be selfish about our health and there is no better time than now to start. After all, who wants to give up the best years of their lives nurturing a family only to face their retirement years with increasing health problems? Or worse, see our health and fitness deteriorate while our kids are active and want to be close with us?
Spouses who are heavy themselves and aren't doing anything about it can face all sorts of insecurity for real or imagined reasons, as can insecure fit spouses.
Lots of honest open communication may help if that's the case.
I was wondering if anybody ever read that stuff on my profile. It actually used to say that it was all about my kids and husband, but I updated it a week or so ago because I realized it HAD to be about me or it was not sustainable... and then I realized that, if I can sustain it despite hubby's attempts at sabotage (deliberate or unintentional) it truly IS all about me and my own wellness and, frankly, has been for quite some time. 0 -
My husband made the same comments and I asked the great people here about it back in the spring sometime. I had allowed these comments to derail my efforts, many times. I finally spoke to him about it and he said his main reason was just wanting me to be healthy. I explained to him why I had to do this for me and I felt the comments created a stumbling block before. He hasn't even mentioned it again. I don't think most men know how to express how they feel, then, when they try we try to decipher it with our right brains....you can see how things become misunderstood. Hang in there! Doing this for you is the only way it can work, and you're worth it!0
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I'm sorry that you don't feel supported. If my DH waved food beneath my nose, I would want to throttle him.
I was fit and healthy when I met DH, so I think he would like to see me get back to where I was. I don't think it is so much about my looks, but who I am when I am fit and healthy. I am more energetic, confident, and adventurous. I like that person better too.
He loves me at any size and is still very complimentary, but the more I lose, the more he can't keep his hands off me. I don't think he is even aware of it, but *I* am.
I hope your DH's/partners can see how much it affects the inner psyche, as much as the outward appearance. I want to feel like me again and I suspect you do too. Hang in there. ♥ It's a change for everyone.0 -
inspirationstation wrote: »I'm sorry that you don't feel supported. If my DH waved food beneath my nose, I would want to throttle him.
I was fit and healthy when I met DH, so I think he would like to see me get back to where I was. I don't think it is so much about my looks, but who I am when I am fit and healthy. I am more energetic, confident, and adventurous. I like that person better too.
He loves me at any size and is still very complimentary, but the more I lose, the more he can't keep his hands off me. I don't think he is even aware of it, but *I* am.
I hope your DH's/partners can see how much it affects the inner psyche, as much as the outward appearance. I want to feel like me again and I suspect you do too. Hang in there. ♥ It's a change for everyone.
See, that's the thing. I've been the size I am now or larger ever since he met me. He saw me, desired me, and pursued me while I was the exact size I am currently. From there I only gained weight, and he continued to find me desirable and beautiful and all those wonderful things. I am grateful that he never pressured me in any way to lose weight. And I realize that he may legitimately fear he will no longer find me attractive if I become thinner. But I have to do this for me. I'm not sure how to reconcile this without lots of communication, so I guess that's my answer. 0 -
@Mami1976D I read your profile: "in all honestly it's just for me" -- that is the best possible rationale for doing what you are doing. Hubby will just have to understand, and if he can't understand, at the very least he needs to deal with it. It's your body.
Your motives aren't entirely selfish, I know that. You want to be around a long time for your children, and for your husband too. But it's ok to be selfish about our health and there is no better time than now to start. After all, who wants to give up the best years of their lives nurturing a family only to face their retirement years with increasing health problems? Or worse, see our health and fitness deteriorate while our kids are active and want to be close with us?
Spouses who are heavy themselves and aren't doing anything about it can face all sorts of insecurity for real or imagined reasons, as can insecure fit spouses.
Lots of honest open communication may help if that's the case.
I was wondering if anybody ever read that stuff on my profile. It actually used to say that it was all about my kids and husband, but I updated it a week or so ago because I realized it HAD to be about me or it was not sustainable... and then I realized that, if I can sustain it despite hubby's attempts at sabotage (deliberate or unintentional) it truly IS all about me and my own wellness and, frankly, has been for quite some time.
I tend to read a person's profile fully when I first friend them, and then if I'm carrying on a private conversation and have cause to go to their wall, but it isn't like MFP sends me a notice - Mami1976D updated her profile! I'd surely go look then. LOL
And my profile is sorely in need of an update.
And I am SOOOOO far beyond thrilled to see that you updated this not to be all about your kids and your hubby, because it isn't sustainable or achievable that way. That was a lesson that took me WAY TOO MANY years to learn!!!
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I can understand your concerns. My husband has always been overweight and for much of our marriage he was morbidly obese (and so was I). We both lost over a hundred pounds each. I have to be honest- I struggled for awhile to find him attractive sometimes since he was so skinny-- but that stopped when I realized it was MY problem-- not his. He has loved me at every weight-- from 190 pounds when we first got married to 350 pounds at my heaviest weight and everywhere in between. NOT ONCE did he tell me I was "too fat" to be attractive--- so I got over myself and realized that I am in love with and attracted to who he is-- not what he looks like. And if I am uncomfortable with how much weight he has lost, then it is MY issue to take care of-- not his. My not being attracted to him as a thin person was more about my anxiety as to whether or not I can keep MY weight off-- it had nothing to do with what he weighed. It also had to do with my projecting my feeling unattractive onto HIM-- again, nothing to do with him.
I hope your husband is able to be supportive of you and happy for you. If not, it is because of his own insecurities and has nothing to do with what you weigh.0 -
I'm on the opposite end of the problem. My husband will find old pics of when we began dating and say, why can't you look like that again? Are you really going to eat that?0
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My first thought was also that it is rooted in some insecurity on his part.0
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@lyndahh75 , have you told your husband that his ideas aren't effective and hurt you? Most husband's wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt us and they don't realize they are, unless we tell them how it makes us feel. It's a whole different comment if it is intended to hurt.0
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Remember all the books out there on how men and women communicate, think, and attract differently? This is not a new concept. We just have to figure out how to all speak the same language, and I think that is more of the issue at hand here. Either we have to learn to hear the words the way a partner means them, or we have to learn to speak to them in a way they can understand us. While the burden is not only on us, when we take the first step and provide the example and/or guidance, it is easier on everyone. Because we are the ones observing the communication issue, we are the ones best armed to make a change in that arena.
EDITED TO ADD: Assigning fault, blame, or responsibility tend to be counter-productive to the results we want to achieve. I have to have my petty mental moments, take a deep breath, move on, and do what is best for me and my relationship.0 -
Men like things a certain way, it's not their fault. I can understand a man wanting his partner to be the way she was when he met her. That is, after all, what he fell in love with. Some people find "comfortable" or "womanly" attractive. I know I like the fact that my partner is carrying a bit of extra weight and is soft and cuddly. Would I still love him if he dropped 25kg and got some ripped muscles? Of course. Do I want him to do that? Not really. I like the way he is. Men are just not as good at expressing this idea, they tend towards the direct comment because they don't know how to layer things in subtlety and innuendo like us girls do.
I tell myself that he'll love me more if I'm thinner and prettier, but I think that's *kitten*. I think he'll accept it because it's what I want, but I don't think it'll affect his feelings towards me at all.0 -
I had this discussion with my gf today. And I think she is absolutely gorgeous and lust her hard...
She wants to lose xx pounds. I tell her is she loses that much weight she will lose her awesome curves that I love.
I love her just like she is. I support her getting stronger and healthier, and maybe lose a little weight. But please keep the curves. Don't starve yourself.
I really don't like how society so often tells women they are never thin enough or good enough.0 -
The curves... That's the one thing my husband misses when i slim down is breasts. I tend to, ahem, deflate. LOL He would be thrilled if I got implants, but he'll just have to make do.
I prefer small. It is WAY more comfortable, and most clothes fit easier.0 -
The curves... That's the one thing my husband misses when i slim down is breasts. I tend to, ahem, deflate. LOL He would be thrilled if I got implants, but he'll just have to make do.
I prefer small. It is WAY more comfortable, and most clothes fit easier.
Yeah, I deflate too. I don't mind at all. They're still there, and they look fabulous with the right undergarments. LOL.0 -
The thing is, I will ALWAYS have curves. That's how I'm built. Large hips and thighs and a small waist. I absolutely hate it when he comments on women being "too skinny" when they are in fact a healthy weight. He remarks on how my mother was "hot" when he first met her but now that she's lost weight she looks "ugh." Really? But finally last night he admitted that he doesn't want me to lose too much weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. Uh, hello, honey, men always look. But it doesn't mean I'm going to look back. I really don't care who looks at me, as long as they respect my boundaries. Ugh, anyway. Onward and upward (or downward, we hope!).0
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Deflating the gut helps male appearance
Hmmmm
But guys have to work not to have no butt syndrome after weight loss.
My trainer, a woman, had me start kettle bell swings and stiff leg deadlifts to keep a symmetry in my appearance
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The thing is, I will ALWAYS have curves. That's how I'm built. Large hips and thighs and a small waist. I absolutely hate it when he comments on women being "too skinny" when they are in fact a healthy weight. He remarks on how my mother was "hot" when he first met her but now that she's lost weight she looks "ugh." Really? But finally last night he admitted that he doesn't want me to lose too much weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. Uh, hello, honey, men always look. But it doesn't mean I'm going to look back. I really don't care who looks at me, as long as they respect my boundaries. Ugh, anyway. Onward and upward (or downward, we hope!).
I think that is a great step! The fact that HE felt secure enough to admit that he doesn't want other men looking is a HUGE step forward. He's just admitted (whether he knows it or not) his insecurity although it presented as jealousy. Yay! So you have the root of the problem. I know you're obviously going to be very diplomatic in person - however - simply saying the same reply as you posted above will IMO devalue his experience as unfounded when to him it is a real threat. Perfect now you have a starting point! You can work toward helping him see that HE is the King because YOU chose HIM and he can be proud he has a something (a wonderful partner) that others are jealous of! Win win!0 -
The women always choose the guy.
They just let us chase them till they feel like keeping us
And let us think we caught them !
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The thing is, I will ALWAYS have curves. That's how I'm built. Large hips and thighs and a small waist. I absolutely hate it when he comments on women being "too skinny" when they are in fact a healthy weight. He remarks on how my mother was "hot" when he first met her but now that she's lost weight she looks "ugh." Really? But finally last night he admitted that he doesn't want me to lose too much weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. Uh, hello, honey, men always look. But it doesn't mean I'm going to look back. I really don't care who looks at me, as long as they respect my boundaries. Ugh, anyway. Onward and upward (or downward, we hope!).
I think that is a great step! The fact that HE felt secure enough to admit that he doesn't want other men looking is a HUGE step forward. He's just admitted (whether he knows it or not) his insecurity although it presented as jealousy. Yay! So you have the root of the problem. I know you're obviously going to be very diplomatic in person - however - simply saying the same reply as you posted above will IMO devalue his experience as unfounded when to him it is a real threat. Perfect now you have a starting point! You can work toward helping him see that HE is the King because YOU chose HIM and he can be proud he has a something (a wonderful partner) that others are jealous of! Win win!
Don't worry, I didn't say what I typed here. I did reassure him that I only have eyes for him and that I just want to be healthy. 0
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