I'm so sick of....
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I'm a late bloomer - I met my wife when I was 42 and I got married (for the first time) at age 47. Now, at age 54, I weigh 20 lbs less than when we first met. Although I have about 5 more lbs to lose, my wife tells me that I'm now too thin, and I need to stop all this dieting. She also makes comments like, "you're now thinner than I am" - which indicates to me that she's feeling insecure about her weight, and my success is making her feel bad. As others have said - we do this for our health & well being, and our spouses need to understand this.0
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The thing is, I will ALWAYS have curves. That's how I'm built. Large hips and thighs and a small waist. I absolutely hate it when he comments on women being "too skinny" when they are in fact a healthy weight. He remarks on how my mother was "hot" when he first met her but now that she's lost weight she looks "ugh." Really? But finally last night he admitted that he doesn't want me to lose too much weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. Uh, hello, honey, men always look. But it doesn't mean I'm going to look back. I really don't care who looks at me, as long as they respect my boundaries. Ugh, anyway. Onward and upward (or downward, we hope!).
My wife used to work in a bariatric (weight loss surgery) clinic and one of the observations they had was about the number of relationships that broke up after a partner lost significant weight. With some of the couples I've seen I believe that part of the problem is the insecurity of the spouse not losing weight. If you believe you're going to lose your spouse because they are becoming more attractive that is a difficult feeling to deal with. Most of us would agree that it's wrong to tell someone their feelings aren't valid. It's not something you can just shut off.
Hopefully, there's a way to support each other as a couple. It makes sense that although you are the one losing weight it's affecting both of you.0 -
Your husband sounds like mine, @mami1976D. My husband has seen me through the same 10lb range, but he knows that I want to be 10lbs less than my smallest (which he thinks is too small anyway). He has a thing for curves and is terrified that I'd lose them. Honestly, even when I was that weight and wearing a size 12 in children in college, I was still quite curvy. I'm just short, so it works somehow.
He does understand that it's about how I feel about myself, no matter how he thinks I look. If losing weight gives me fewer days where I'm too depressed about it or feel too fat to get dressed, he's completely supportive of that.0 -
The thing is, I will ALWAYS have curves. That's how I'm built. Large hips and thighs and a small waist. I absolutely hate it when he comments on women being "too skinny" when they are in fact a healthy weight. He remarks on how my mother was "hot" when he first met her but now that she's lost weight she looks "ugh." Really? But finally last night he admitted that he doesn't want me to lose too much weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. Uh, hello, honey, men always look. But it doesn't mean I'm going to look back. I really don't care who looks at me, as long as they respect my boundaries. Ugh, anyway. Onward and upward (or downward, we hope!).
My wife used to work in a bariatric (weight loss surgery) clinic and one of the observations they had was about the number of relationships that broke up after a partner lost significant weight. With some of the couples I've seen I believe that part of the problem is the insecurity of the spouse not losing weight. If you believe you're going to lose your spouse because they are becoming more attractive that is a difficult feeling to deal with. Most of us would agree that it's wrong to tell someone their feelings aren't valid. It's not something you can just shut off.
Hopefully, there's a way to support each other as a couple. It makes sense that although you are the one losing weight it's affecting both of you.
Thank you for highlighting the importance of supporting him too, and not only expecting him to support me.0 -
Queenmunchy wrote: »Your husband sounds like mine, @mami1976D. My husband has seen me through the same 10lb range, but he knows that I want to be 10lbs less than my smallest (which he thinks is too small anyway). He has a thing for curves and is terrified that I'd lose them. Honestly, even when I was that weight and wearing a size 12 in children in college, I was still quite curvy. I'm just short, so it works somehow.
He does understand that it's about how I feel about myself, no matter how he thinks I look. If losing weight gives me fewer days where I'm too depressed about it or feel too fat to get dressed, he's completely supportive of that.
Yeah, I didn't really put it into perspective that if I lose more I'll be smaller than the smallest me he has ever known. I can understand his fear. He was small when I met him, and to be completely honest I was not physically attracted to him until he bulked up a little. Sure, I loved him, but I wasn't gaga over his physical appearance. I can see how he could fear he won't be as attracted to me.0 -
Some feelings of inferiority creep in
But to worry about infidelity is a bit much
I can't really deal with that. If me losing 100 pounds makes me a cheater then it is kind is over anyway at that point
Maybe I'm too hard in my point of view but if the other person feels that inferior what would life be like?
People are strange
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People are definitely strange. My partner will sit there and make negative comment about women on TV who are "skin and bone" - telling them to eat a sandwich. He clearly prefers his woman to be "womanly". And yet in my mind I feel like the thinner I am the more he'll love me. Because years of media conditioning, that's why. Effing stupid. How can we expect our men to understand when we don't understand ourselves?0
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When I hit 100lbs lost, hubby was a little "hmmm." Not voicing anything negative, but asking more questions about what he's eating, turning down the carb side dish I cooked, asking for company during extra exercise. I'm thankful he's taking the "help me improve" route instead of being negative about my efforts. He's even gotten more active with his food logging and signed up for My Fitness Pal. He says my hope has become his hope. I know if hubby took the negative approach, I'd be hurt and angry, so I totally understand where you're coming from @Mami1976D .0
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When I hit 100lbs lost, hubby was a little "hmmm." Not voicing anything negative, but asking more questions about what he's eating, turning down the carb side dish I cooked, asking for company during extra exercise. I'm thankful he's taking the "help me improve" route instead of being negative about my efforts. He's even gotten more active with his food logging and signed up for My Fitness Pal. He says my hope has become his hope. I know if hubby took the negative approach, I'd be hurt and angry, so I totally understand where you're coming from @Mami1976D .
That is an inspiring story of what love really is
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When I hit 100lbs lost, hubby was a little "hmmm." Not voicing anything negative, but asking more questions about what he's eating, turning down the carb side dish I cooked, asking for company during extra exercise. I'm thankful he's taking the "help me improve" route instead of being negative about my efforts. He's even gotten more active with his food logging and signed up for My Fitness Pal. He says my hope has become his hope. I know if hubby took the negative approach, I'd be hurt and angry, so I totally understand where you're coming from @Mami1976D .
Definitely a sign of a healthy relationship. My OH happily eats my low carb dinners without a complaint (he gets meat, what's not to like) and he's even made the effort (despite not being really savvy on nutrition or a regular cook) to learn what I can and can't eat and cook for me accordingly. Last Saturday I came home to a meatloaf wrapped in bacon and some broccoli/cauliflower done in cream with cheese on the top. Go him. We also went to the local sports store and got new Asics, and we go for walks together on the weekends. That's something he never would have done 12 months ago.
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That's what my dad would say: He chased her til she caught him! Haha!KittensMaster wrote: »The women always choose the guy.
They just let us chase them till they feel like keeping us
And let us think we caught them !
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@Mami1976D I got the shock of all shocks last night. My guy has always been quite vocal about his appreciation of a "short little fat girl." This is always said with a flirty twist, and generally right before he engages in some form of ... amorous activity. LOL That being said, I was grumbling a bit about how unfair it was that your hubby was putting it on you, but that we've both acknowledge that the whole process brings out the best and worse in people, and that this focus was on health, not being a Victoria Secret model size, etc. You want to know what he told me? "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you FEEL beautiful, you ARE beautiful to me." He then proceeded to tell me that these closer I get to the form I had in HS, with my more womanly adjustments now, he would be chasing me around the bedroom far more often.
This is a far, FAR cry from the behavior my ex-husband exhibited, and I don't know how I ended up winning the "lottery" so to speak this time around, because my ex actually flat out told me during the "I want a divorce because" discussion that because I'd gained so much weight, he could not fake being attracted to me anymore. He had easily gained as much weight as I had, and I was floored. Regardless, it wasn't until after I kicked his dead weight to the curb that I started getting healthier! LOL
Our men have some flaws, but I find the more patience we have and the more we attempt to see things from their perspective, the more confident they get in opening up to us about the real reasons, once they dig deep enough to find them. And men not wanting other men to admire their woman is an alpha-male/testosterone-based thing. They generally want that perfect balance of men noticing and admiring their "WIN," but not enough to inspire their "envy," you know? In my experience anyway... LOLThe thing is, I will ALWAYS have curves. That's how I'm built. Large hips and thighs and a small waist. I absolutely hate it when he comments on women being "too skinny" when they are in fact a healthy weight. He remarks on how my mother was "hot" when he first met her but now that she's lost weight she looks "ugh." Really? But finally last night he admitted that he doesn't want me to lose too much weight because he doesn't want other men looking at me. Uh, hello, honey, men always look. But it doesn't mean I'm going to look back. I really don't care who looks at me, as long as they respect my boundaries. Ugh, anyway. Onward and upward (or downward, we hope!).
My wife used to work in a bariatric (weight loss surgery) clinic and one of the observations they had was about the number of relationships that broke up after a partner lost significant weight. With some of the couples I've seen I believe that part of the problem is the insecurity of the spouse not losing weight. If you believe you're going to lose your spouse because they are becoming more attractive that is a difficult feeling to deal with. Most of us would agree that it's wrong to tell someone their feelings aren't valid. It's not something you can just shut off.
Hopefully, there's a way to support each other as a couple. It makes sense that although you are the one losing weight it's affecting both of you.
Thank you for highlighting the importance of supporting him too, and not only expecting him to support me.
And I wanted to sat that THIS ^^ was a great reminder for me too. Sometimes, we spend so much time in our own heads and so much time working on US, we forget that what we do affects the couple unit and dynamics and all of that... I felt like both of you had just shined a bright light in a dark corner I'd almost forgotten about...
So thanks, @Mami1976D and @Fvaisey for these great words, and for everyone who contributed to the discussion!0 -
I agree. I've truly appreciated all the remarks here, as I am almost always stuck in my own head and forget to tend to my partner's emotional needs (partly because I'm too busy tending to his and our kids' physical needs, but that's another issue). I am really glad I initiated this discussion, even though it was initially just a complaint. Thank you, all!0
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