Single over 50?
debsdoingthis
Posts: 454 Member
I know I'm not the only one. What do you do for fun? No kids and no good friends nearby. I start a ladies golf league this week and go to the gym 3 times a week but the weekends are kinda lonely. Any tips or ideas? I'm not ready to start dating again (shudder )
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I have a friend who is 50 something. She goes to meet-up.com and finds groups with similar interests and goes to the meetings. She has found people who do nature walks, goes to concerts, etc. Don't know if she has found a date or not, but she has gotten a couple of female friends, single with similar interests.3
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No, you're not the only one. I have two kids who both call my place homebase. One is overseas... currently in the UK... so I only see her occasionally. The other lives with me fulltime as he's finishing up his degree.
I hit the gym twice per week and do yoga classes three times per week. My weekends are usually consumed with household chores, riding my motorcycle, doing renovations, you name it... I'm never bored.
A year after my marriage crashed & burned but prior to official divorce, I tried dating but I soon discovered I wasn't ready... Mind you, it was bad luck to end up running into a couple of drama queens right out of the gate but it was enough for me to say I was off the market for a while.1 -
Nothing like volunteering to get you outside yourself. Doing something for others can give you a great feeling. No matter what your passion, you can find a place to volunteer your expertise. Like animals? Go to your local shelter and walk the dogs. Like to sew? Check out your local hospital NICU to see if they need baby blankets. Have a car? Contact Meals on Wheels or your Senior Center to volunteer to drive. Reader? Go to the library or your local elementary school and read to the kids. Want to get in touch with teens? Be a Big Sister and you will be up-to-date on all the latest fads. Gardener? See if there is a community garden near you, or start one, and donate the fresh veggies to your local food pantry. Rocketry, theater, motorcycles, dance, cooking, photography....Cooperative Extension needs volunteers of all kinds to work with 4-H youth. You are sure to find an outlet for your creative side and know you are filling a need at the same time. There is a place waiting for YOU, I'm sure. You just have to find it. (And no dating involved...give yourself time to heal away from the drama. Right @UncleMac?)2
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Nope you are not alone. Divorced at 56 when my ex had a mid-life crisis in the shape of a much younger woman (I would have preferred a Ferrari).
I don't have time for much of a social life since I also care for my 80 year old mother in my home
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I have single friends that use Meetup.com and have met some interesting friends. One activity that I want to do is volunteer at the animal shelter, they do a weekly "pack walk" where they take the dogs to walk in the park, it looks like fun.1 -
I work 7 days a week, at 2 jobs, not only to keep busy but because I need the extra cash. I'll have to check out meetup. I'm on meetme. (wonder if its the same). Meet ups always seem to happen when I'm working. @klkarlen, similar experience at 56 as well. Not sure I'll be able to trust again for a while. Oh well life goes on, time to pull up me big girl panties
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No mid-life crisis on my part. I would have preferred a Ferrari too...
My ex has a personality disorder. Oh, the stories I could tell!! After +20 years of carrying the load while she was supposed to be working on getting healthy by seeing psychologists and psychiatrists (I now know the difference), she asked for a divorce... and was surprised when I said "Good idea. Get a lawyer. I've had enough." She quickly reversed engines and asked for time and couples counselling. Neither were effective in rebuilding the relationship since she wasn't willing to change... or perhaps wasn't capable of change? So I called it. She wasn't happy with my decision and it made for a rather acrimonious divorce.
Within months of our split, she was moved in with a guy... That lasted about a year. Now she's moved in with another guy. I wonder how long before she burns this one out?
@debsdoingthis, I hear you about trust. After +20 years of dealing with manipulation and drama, a bit part of my healing is learning how to trust again...0 -
I'm not single but my brother and bil are and they are over 50. It just doesn't work out for some ppl ......0
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I'm coming to terms with being single. After 13 years of *kitten* (waiting to see if MFP changes that to kitten LOL), I need time to be me and get to do everything I put off during those years. Oh travelling, how I miss you. Don't really want to be doing that alone though. Now where are those travel sites for singles who aren't looking to get laid?0
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debsdoingthis wrote: »I'm coming to terms with being single. After 13 years of *kitten* (waiting to see if MFP changes that to kitten LOL), I need time to be me and get to do everything I put off during those years. Oh travelling, how I miss you. Don't really want to be doing that alone though. Now where are those travel sites for singles who aren't looking to get laid?
One of the best bits of advice I got as I was parting was to take care of myself and my needs, even to the exclusion of others if necessary. If you want to travel, go for it! You don't need anyone's permission. Yes, it's fun to have someone alone to share the sights but it's not necessary. In some ways, travelling solo is cathartic.
I kinda screwed it up this best advice because I tried to ease the transition for everyone... the kids and even my ex... In hindsight, the results were predictable. I ran myself ragged with the kids (ages 18 & 20 when things started) until I said enough was enough. My ex plundered our mutual bank accounts in the six figures range and was trying to justify add alimony/spousal support until I said enough... In both cases, it woulda been healthier for everyone if I'd been firm from the onset. After +20 years of being the "mature adult" of the family, it was hard for me to say "It's time for me." but since I've done so, everyone is happier... except my ex but she's a professional victim...0 -
debsdoingthis wrote: »I'm coming to terms with being single. After 13 years of *kitten* (waiting to see if MFP changes that to kitten LOL), I need time to be me and get to do everything I put off during those years. Oh travelling, how I miss you. Don't really want to be doing that alone though. Now where are those travel sites for singles who aren't looking to get laid?
One of the best bits of advice I got as I was parting was to take care of myself and my needs, even to the exclusion of others if necessary. If you want to travel, go for it! You don't need anyone's permission. Yes, it's fun to have someone alone to share the sights but it's not necessary. In some ways, travelling solo is cathartic.
I kinda screwed it up this best advice because I tried to ease the transition for everyone... the kids and even my ex... In hindsight, the results were predictable. I ran myself ragged with the kids (ages 18 & 20 when things started) until I said enough was enough. My ex plundered our mutual bank accounts in the six figures range and was trying to justify add alimony/spousal support until I said enough... In both cases, it woulda been healthier for everyone if I'd been firm from the onset. After +20 years of being the "mature adult" of the family, it was hard for me to say "It's time for me." but since I've done so, everyone is happier... except my ex but she's a professional victim...
I don't think Ive ever heard the term "professional victim" before but that fits mine as well. Anyway, perusing the web for a reasonable priced vacay this winter. I think my weight should have down and my self esteem up some by then!
P.S former Torontonian here, but don't hold that against me LOL1 -
My ex has a personality disorder. Oh, the stories I could tell!! After +20 years of carrying the load while she was supposed to be working on getting healthy by seeing psychologists and psychiatrists. . .
I just found out via our mutual child that my ex has been in treatment for depression and anxiety, for 26 years. Don't you think that is important information to share with your spouse? Shows the main problem of lack of trust and communication on his part.
Back in the day I went to three sessions to the "shrink" that he was seeing, and by session three I realized that she was not going to be able to help, she was basically spending his session money (he continued for years and never discussed that with me either) and not giving him any tools to deal with his issues.
At any rate, what's done is done, and I am better off now than having to deal with his silent treatments, or worse, snide remarks. He is much happier with his new toy, as she "needs" him, which feeds into his superman personna that makes him feel better about himself (self-esteem issues).
What brought me to MFP was the 20 pounds I gained after my ex moved out, as I was now cooking yummy stuff for me and my daughter. Prior to that it was my ex-mother-in-law (yes, the in-laws lived with us, heaven help me) who did all the cooking, and it was barely edible.
I would love to travel more, but I need to build up a better support system to care for my mother first. I do get the occasional getaway weekend when my daughter can come home to watch mom and the house.0 -
A superman persona? Is that an actual term? If so, that's pretty descriptive of my ex. It was/is very important to him to be perceived as the "hero" to friends/co-workers etc along with feeding his own selfish wants before the needs of family and home. Everyone who doesn't know him well, truly thinks of him as a "super " guy. Wow, mind blown here.0
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I've never seen "professional victim" on a business card but I guess that's not something crazy folks advertise.debsdoingthis wrote: »I don't think Ive ever heard the term "professional victim" before but that fits mine as well. Anyway, perusing the web for a reasonable priced vacay this winter. I think my weight should have down and my self esteem up some by then!
P.S former Torontonian here, but don't hold that against me LOL
I spent a couple of years in the Big Smoke back in the 1980s. It was a culture shock for me but I survived.0 -
Yes, you are better off without the "death of 1000 cuts" of such a dysfunctional and pernicious relationship. The shiny will wear off of his new toy and chances are it won't take as long... unless she's equally crazy in her own special way... but that's not your problem!I just found out via our mutual child that my ex has been in treatment for depression and anxiety, for 26 years. Don't you think that is important information to share with your spouse? Shows the main problem of lack of trust and communication on his part.
Within three years, I suggested in the strongest terms that my ex should get professional help. Throughout our relationship, she was almost always under a mental health professional's care. Her crazy was like the mythological hydra... cut off the head of one monster and two more appeared. It was the couple's counsellor who suggested I do a bit of research into narcissistic personality disorder after my ex stormed out of a session claiming the counsellor was unprofessional and biased against her because the counsellor dared to question my ex's behaviour toward me.0 -
I'm 60, and have been single (widowed) for about 18 years. I'm also childless, and an only child, and my parents are both deceased. I don't live where I grew up, so am not in touch with friends from growing up. Now retired, I also didn't/don't have many friends from my work life - I can only think of one, offhand.
What I do or have done:- Joined a rowing team. Now lots of my friends are rowers, or people I met through rowing.
- Go to group fitness classes at the Y, another place to meet new friends.
- Joined a crafts group that meets regularly to work on artsy-craftsy projects (found them through a young friend's mom, but there are meet-ups, or check the bulletin boards or ask staff at stores related to some activity you like to do if there are any local groups)
- I go to plays, concerts, occasionally movies (not as high on my personal list) and other events. If a friend can go, swell; otherwise, I go by myself. (I go out to eat by myself, too, sometimes.)
- I added some solo hobbies to my pre-existing hobbies: for example, I'm learning to play bluegrass banjo (started 3 years ago, still totally stink, but that's fine - I'm having fun).
- I go for walks and bike rides, most often by myself, but occasionally with friends.
- Volunteer. (I used to do more of this than currently, but I still do some.)
There's also the book clubs option, if that appeals to you (I tend to be a bit opinionated/argumentative in that kind of situation, so it's not the best social setting for me
). Bookstores usually know about ones that are accepting new members. Another possibility is adult education classes: Around here, most school systems or community senior centers offer a few. Some also offer "field trips" for grown-ups, or you could consider the commercial equivalents (like bus trips to a winery, play, musueum, or what-have-you).
I'm very much an introvert, and my late husband was the "social secretary" for us (unlike a lot of couples I know). After he died, I told myself I needed to channel that part of his personality a little, get out of my comfort zone, and reach out to people to make friends (or keep existing friends).
Being an introvert, and having grown up an only child in a rural setting, I'm very comfortable with my own company, and with happily entertaining myself. But I feel that some social interaction is a good thing for me, and I've done the "fake it til I make it" approach quite successfully.
I'm pretty happy, and feel like my life is reasonably balanced.0 -
Hi Ann you have some great ideas. I have always wanted to learn Spanish since I took classes way back in high school. I'll check for adult classes. I have joined a golf league to meet ladies while enjoying a sport I love. Forgot I used to be a decent bowler as well I'll see if a summer league is near by. Thanks for the prompts!2
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Being an introvert, and having grown up an only child in a rural setting, I'm very comfortable with my own company, and with happily entertaining myself. But I feel that some social interaction is a good thing for me, and I've done the "fake it til I make it" approach quite successfully.
I'm not fully introvert but I'm definitely comfortable with my own company. Since I'm still working and have kids, I don't get much time completely alone. Since I know the kids will be making their own way soon... and I'm planning early retirement... I'm going to be in "fake it til I make it" zone soon...0 -
debsdoingthis wrote: »Hi Ann you have some great ideas. I have always wanted to learn Spanish since I took classes way back in high school. I'll check for adult classes. I have joined a golf league to meet ladies while enjoying a sport I love. Forgot I used to be a decent bowler as well I'll see if a summer league is near by. Thanks for the prompts!
Yay! Good show! You'll have fun.0 -
Being an introvert, and having grown up an only child in a rural setting, I'm very comfortable with my own company, and with happily entertaining myself. But I feel that some social interaction is a good thing for me, and I've done the "fake it til I make it" approach quite successfully.
I'm not fully introvert but I'm definitely comfortable with my own company. Since I'm still working and have kids, I don't get much time completely alone. Since I know the kids will be making their own way soon... and I'm planning early retirement... I'm going to be in "fake it til I make it" zone soon...
Early retirement is excellent IMO. I retired about 9 years ago at age 51 (though I worked 1/4 time for a while after), and haven't regretted it for one moment. Hope it's great for you, too!0 -
I wish you all luck. I'm lucky enough too have found the right one the first time, and we've been together since 1977. I know how fortunate I am from seeing a lot of friends here and in the non-electronic realm having different results. It's not always been easy, but we've found a way through challenges through the years.
Oh, and she doesn't approve of me dating, so I have no advice to give there.1 -
Early retirement is excellent IMO. I retired about 9 years ago at age 51 (though I worked 1/4 time for a while after), and haven't regretted it for one moment. Hope it's great for you, too!
Freedom 55 for me. Technically, I'm qualified now but I'm still financially recovering from the divorce. I might be a bit further ahead but my ex and I made the commitment to pay tuition for the kids' post secondary. Strangely, my ex hasn't followed through on her half of the schooling costs.1 -
I'm jealous of those of you that could or can afford to retire early, I'll be working til the max at this point (unless I win the lottery - hahaha). Although it does give me respite from the elder care duties having to come to the office every day.
As to paying for college - as bad (or good) luck would have it, 6 months after my divorce was final, my employer of 9+ years had a major layoff. . . and of course the long/old timers were let go. It took me 8 months to find a new job due to my geographic location. The good part was that because I was so poor for that one year, my daughter qualified for Pell grants (because her father's income did not count as I was the custodial parent). And because I took a sizable cut in income (also due to my geographic location) she still qualified for additional need based scholarships from the school. So the money that was put aside by my ex for her college costs is now hers to do with as she pleases after graduation.0 -
I too will be working til the max due to the financial hardship caused by this past relationship. Keeping my fingers crossed as well for that big lottery win LOL. Although I opened this discussion just for tips on things to do while alone, it has opened my eyes to the Why's of my relationship failure. I did a lot of reading last night and I think I will be also looking for a support group for those people who have lived with a loved one with Narcissistic personality disorder. Thanks for posting that Uncle Mac1
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I'm on track to retire from my current job in June 2017. I'll be 61 then, with 6 years with my current employer, so some pension from there, plus I'm already on a pension from 30 years with Michelin. We won't be rich, but comfortable. Living with heart disease makes it all a guessing game as to how long I've got, but with two years of exercise and looking after myself, I went from even odds to dropping dead in 5 years to 4% chance of another heart attack in the next 10. Survival of the fittest eh?
I'll likely find some part time work to keep me occupied for a few years. I have a tech background, and might go into video security work.2 -
Honestly, I got lucky since I didn't investigate the retirement package offered by my employer when I signed on the dotted line. I qualified for unpenalized pension a couple of years ago in the midst of the divorce. Now I'm just improving the percentage of my current salary.
@Farback, If I hadn't divorced, I might be the one having a heart attack.0 -
My company had '80 and out'. When your age added to your years of services equaled 80, you were eligible for retirement. At 55 with 31 years of service I was three years past when I finally pulled that trigger.
Loving the post-retirement outdoor job after 31 years in a laboratory with few windows and loads of office politic nonsense.
Wife's salary as fourth grade teacher isn't much (although more than my current job) but added to my pension, we're close to what I was making before retirement. So not hurting for money. Kids can go to whatever university they can get into.
I figure another 9 years of lawn care and then I can retire a second time (at 65) when wife retires from the classroom.0 -
My DH is talking retirement now but I am worried about the financial obligations that are crushing us. He has changed positiions many times (every 5 years for most of his professional life) but has always managed to stay within the same retirement system so actually, that part is not so bad. On the other hand...I always lost anything I had in the moves. Plus he is very loose with the credit cards and we have a debt load that scares the bejeebers out of me. We still have a mortgage and home improvement loan that also eat up a good portion of our income. And car loan. Good grief!0
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@d_thomas02, my pension vested at 20 years; go before 20 years and they cash you out rather than pension. Once vested, a penalized pension is available before 25 years but the penalty is steep. The years of service are used to calculate the pension after 25 years years. 25 year = 50% and so forth. When the combination of age and years of service reached 85, the pension begins indexing to the rate of inflation. At age 55, I will have 30 years so my plan is to retire with a 60% pension that will begin indexing immediately.
@chamblisk, your situation is unfortunately common for spouses in my industry... and your situation (mortgage & debt) is also fairly common. I wish I could offer sage advice but I've got nothing. I remember a coworker years ago who used to laugh at those who chased promotional opportunities. He and his spouse stayed put, paid off everything and then used their extra funds for awesome vacations... sigh...0 -
I feel so, so lucky to have been able to retire as young as I did (51). I had had advanced (stage III) breast cancer at 44, and realized I would be really annoyed if I got metastatic breast cancer and died before I could retire. So I focused on getting there ASAP.
No pension, only a defined contribution plan (though thankfully a generous one - if I put in 5% of salary, my employer put in 10%), plus a second non-contributory pre-tax plan. They also let me retire after 25 years and kept paying for the very same benefits employees get. That was huge. So fortunate to have that!
I never had more than a comfortably middle-class job (never got to anything like a six-figure salary), but had been a pretty consistent saver/investor, both pre- and post-tax, not a big spender on home, vacation, cars, wardrobe, etc. Plus I inherited (non-grandiose amounts of) money from my dad (who'd been a county park carpenter), and from my mother-in-law who'd kept me in the family after my husband died. All of this together, plus careful planning and a a quite modest lifestyle, let me retire very young.
Though there are more downsides than upsides IMO, being childless helped in this case, too. And I was also very, very lucky in terms of budget-busting health issues. Both I and my husband had cancer (he died of it at 45), but health insurance thankfully covered the overwhelming majority of the cost.
My heart goes out to folks who are in straitened circumstances, who are unable to reach even modest financial comfort at or beyond normal retirement age.0
