Unsupportive people
becwana
Posts: 157 Member
My husband is actually fairly supportive and has adopted a lot of the habits from this WOE - he has (mostly) stopped eating bread (although he has the odd wrap) and pasta, rice, potatoes (except Sunday roast) so all in all he *usually* makes life easier.
The problem is, when he wants to eat something 'naughty' he wants me to indulge with him and gets really bratty when I refuse.
It's interesting because I remember doing the same, as though it helps justify it if someone else does it too. I guess the same way an alcoholic will surround themselves with other drinkers, to normalise the behaviour (everyone else is doing it, it can't be that bad!).
So over this weekend I have caved a couple of times and eaten things that I haven't wanted to and it has affected my mood terribly. I feel low and irritable and tired. I notice so much more the effect of carbs on my body and mind and I really don't like the way they make me feel.
Does anyone else get 'pressure' from loved ones and how do you deal with it?!
I know a simple conversation should suffice but that only seems to work till the next time!!
The problem is, when he wants to eat something 'naughty' he wants me to indulge with him and gets really bratty when I refuse.
It's interesting because I remember doing the same, as though it helps justify it if someone else does it too. I guess the same way an alcoholic will surround themselves with other drinkers, to normalise the behaviour (everyone else is doing it, it can't be that bad!).
So over this weekend I have caved a couple of times and eaten things that I haven't wanted to and it has affected my mood terribly. I feel low and irritable and tired. I notice so much more the effect of carbs on my body and mind and I really don't like the way they make me feel.
Does anyone else get 'pressure' from loved ones and how do you deal with it?!
I know a simple conversation should suffice but that only seems to work till the next time!!
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Just to add he has also lost weight and feels good from cutting his carb intake. He has a very physical job so naturally keeps in shape better then I do. He goes into denial mode when I point out bad choices I don't want to be part of 'oh it's not that bad, it's not like we eat this all the time' etc etc..!!0
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have you seen this?2
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My family is supportive of me but no one else eats low carb. Although a couple of my kids are moderate carb, my hubby and one son are probably high carb. It works. We don't push unhealthy foods on each other, but I do admit to pushing protein on my boys.
We mostly eat the same meals, just altered. I'll add extra fat and skip any potatoes or noodles, and my hubby will cut back on the heavier fat dishes to avoid high carb and high fat together.
If someone eats junk food, I try to have something keto friendly like pork rinds or nuts. No thanks seems to be enough. My hubby and I have been together long enough that we don't indulge in behaviors we aren't interested in just to keep our spouse company. He knows that he can't change me and I can't change him. I'll offer snippets of advice or health fact tidbits but thats it. 6 -
I think you just need to not cave in and keep doing that so consistently that there's no point in him trying to convince you.
How to do that? That is the challenge. I think sounding completely firm on the decision and following up with "it's fine if you want it, but I don't want it." Really stress that you just don't want it. Even if it's not exactly true. Even if you're feeling tempted and like you would like to cave in, don't let on at all. Just say "I'm not hungry and I also just don't want it so why would eat it just for the sake of eating?" Appear completely uninterested just as you would in your dogs food you just served to Fido. That way it's completely understandable that a person that isn't hungry and is also uninterested in that particular food wouldn't eat it just because someone asked them to.3 -
Sunny_Bunny_ wrote: »I think you just need to not cave in and keep doing that so consistently that there's no point in him trying to convince you.
How to do that? That is the challenge. I think sounding completely firm on the decision and following up with "it's fine if you want it, but I don't want it." Really stress that you just don't want it. Even if it's not exactly true. Even if you're feeling tempted and like you would like to cave in, don't let on at all. Just say "I'm not hungry and I also just don't want it so why would eat it just for the sake of eating?" Appear completely uninterested just as you would in your dogs food you just served to Fido. That way it's completely understandable that a person that isn't hungry and is also uninterested in that particular food wouldn't eat it just because someone asked them to.
So true! I am a celiac and would NEVER eat gluten intentionally. Ever. It would affect my health for days or weeks. I think of high carb foods the same way, as a health issue. I won't do that to myself... It helps that I started this woe partially for health reasons; perhaps that makes it easier to stick to it.1 -
My husband doesn't really care what I eat but he feels bad eating delicious carby food in front of me (he doesn't understand/believe me when I say it's ok and I don't want any).
One thing that helped a ton was asking for something low carb, like a chef salad, instead of saying I didn't want anything. That way he can enjoy his food without feeling guilty and I don't feel obliged to eat off plan if I'd prefer not to.2 -
I am mocked by my wife, she says I'm a carbophobe. She even put a potato in my bag when I went to stay a night at my parents. I was in another city going on a birthday do. Problem was I was so ill from gastroenteritis I didn't see the thing until I got home. She struggles with weight, and doesn't eat as much pasta, but isn't struck on the whole ketogenic diet.
Btw, is woe way of eating?3 -
can't believe you posted this, I was just about to start the same thread!!! Listen, I've been with my husband 37 years and I was a normal weight and he was very muscular. Now I have to lose 140 pounds and he has a big belly from Crohns surgery's and other ailments. I try to get him to kick sugars and he grumbles. Passive aggressive stuff. then blames me when he's not happy without sugar, blah blah, long story short, we have to own this ourselves. WE HAVE TO OWN IT. He didn't MAKE me eat every brownie out of a pan I made for him. He never forcefed me junk food and I was addicted to poptarts! He is not a cheerleader, he is an old southern redneck, grumpy most days but one of the most brilliant mechanical minds around here. People love him and I do too. But on this? I am on my own. He doesn't like me changing things, he wants me not to care about being healthy, too bad. I'm gonna make a short voice recording of cheers about me! For me! When I need an immediate boost, I'll hit play. Listen, we ate all this crappola, we can NOT EAT all the crappola and be just fine. Keep your mind active on the future, start a conversation about anything when your 'other' reaches for the junk. Go to youtube and play something inspiring, Go for a walk, take a shower, pray. whatever you can do to stay golden one more day. Tell us about it here, we will cheer for you but do not give in to the naysayers!!!8
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Well, everyone's different.
Your spouse might not respond to, "I'll eat an elephant ear with you, if you'll eat a horse apple with me first."
But he might understand, "You know how some alcoholics can have a couple drinks, some ex-smokers can light up, and some diabetics can munch a stack of pancakes with maple syrup, powdered sugar, and a milk shake now and then -- but some can't?
"You're special. You can fall off the wagon and climb right back on again. But me? Nooooo, it takes me weeks to get over it! I've tried (oh! how I've tried!), but I'm afraid I'm just not one of the lucky ones.
"So now that you know, I'm sure you won't want to send me into a tailspin by telling me to eat......with you."
( 
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Husband is supportive. We all want to be inclusive with what we do, that is friendly, so it took a few no thanks and I will have a sparkling water with you. Then I learned enough to pick menu options like @AlabasterVerve. That helps him feel not judged and self conscious about his choices.
We can all act like infants at times and want others to take responsibility. Very hard to change that after many years in a relationship pattern! Thus this change is going to take months of repeated support to the other person that we are changing and we still accept them. Took us weeks to make our own acceptance that we needed to do it, so not unreasonable if others also take time. My mum context story below:
Mother, visiting, is in shock. She is co-dependent, lacks boundaries, needing reassurance and uses passive aggressive behaviours to get her own way. Very caring and thoughtful person too, but her tactics needed context: she physically can't eat a whole piece of cake but wants to have a try of some. I suggested leaving what she does not eat, but that is a waste of food so unacceptable. She wants to share, despite me having explained my food intollerance issues. I caved and thought I 'd act like I was eating it but just take a few micro bites. That was sufficient to get me sneezing and needing a 2 hour rest that afternoon. Now she does see a causal link and that hopefully help her understand thay it is not my problem to fix her "want cake but slice too big dilema".
Assertiveness (ie Amy Carroll youtube videos n book), boundaries, self acceptance (ie Brene Brown) topics for books are worth exploring. If that sounds like too much self reflection, a book called F*** Feelings is a good read (written to help people deal with life rather than think about it)2 -
Thanks for your answers - it comes down to self responsibility and I am going to work on that! I guess for him, having ME indulge with him means HE manages to avoid taking self-responsibility also. He wants his partner in crime there with him doing what we always did - but I'm not that person anymore so I need to be true to myself and be resolute with my choices.
I think eating to make others happy is a huge reason I stayed overweight for so long.
Feeling very motivated this morning (I'm in UK - it's morning here5 -
He understands you two have different bodies with different capabilities to burn carbs.
So...
His justifications for occasional carb spiked won't work for you. Pointing that out to him may be helpful but nothing takes the place of standing firm and saying no.
I have had to get close to rude with people over diet choices. It gets down to respect. Once you make it emphatically clear, those food choices are bad for you, no doubt firmly stated, it is just disrespect at that point to try to push you there.
Some people take longer to get a clue.4 -
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Sometimes it may seem to be about the food, but is really about the sharing and connection between people. Another theory is is what we call the " Eve theory of sin" . As in Eve offering to share the apple with Adam.4
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Sometimes it may seem to be about the food, but is really about the sharing and connection between people. Another theory is is what we call the " Eve theory of sin" . As in Eve offering to share the apple with Adam.
Nailed!
A variant on the Eve theory is the Mary Jane doctrine:If we all smoke/inhale/ingest this thing, we'll all be little slugs instead of one of us being a giant sloth.3 -
I've realised that I was a really bad influence on people for years. I love to cook and feed people, it's my way of showing my love and affection. I'm sure I've contributed to many people's weight gain, most definitely my husband's. He and I are very independent and we don't have kids, so right now we frequently prepare our meals.
My mom is visiting from America and just spent a couple weeks with our family in England and half her activities were centred around food, she's already struggling to fit into her jeans.
My life isn't centred around food anymore, so I'm learning new ways to adapt to having company over. It's funny, normally I would have been feeding her huge meals as a way to welcome her to my home, but she keeps complaining that she needs a snack because I'm not feeding her enough lol. She's freaking out on me right now because I haven't eaten anything today, but I'm not hungry. My mom has T2 diabetes, but has always been normal weight, so she struggles to understand my weight issues.
Food can definitely change or at least impact our relationships. I'm so grateful my husband has finally reached such a supportive place. He doesn't buy junk food that I would be interested in.5 -
Sometimes it may seem to be about the food, but is really about the sharing and connection between people. Another theory is is what we call the " Eve theory of sin" . As in Eve offering to share the apple with Adam.
This is very true - we do connect over food and a lot of our history together has been meals out/in/cooking and generally a shared love of food - it's hard to change patterns but I need to remind him also of the shared nights of seeing me doubled over in pain with indigestion - not sleeping because of the heartburn - waking up choking because of the acid reflux - not to mention the wind4 -
@becwana Hell, i would definitely mention the wind! What a brilliant case for change and what's in it for him
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Great thread -- eating with someone is very social, and I try to put a variety of food out, and stick to my own food, and let the other person (mostly my husband) make his own choices. I gave up drinking a number of years ago, and my husband doesn't bring alcohol home, so that is hugely helpful. But it is harder with the food -- sometimes he does bring food home (rice with the low carb Indian take out dish, oranges (love them, but don't really work for me). Thank god he hasn't brought home ice cream for a long while -- hugely hard for me to have in the house. Bottom line, I try to keep the focus on how its nice to share a meal (and stick to my own boundaries with food, but not impose on anyone else).3
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Hubby has been very supportive about my choices. But just like everyone he forgets now and then and will put mashed potatoes on my plate when he makes dinner or will suggest menu options like pasta when we're out to dinner. I used to get mad that he couldn't remember what I thought was so simple but now I try to look at it as he's just thinking I might enjoy the taste, not trying to sabotage my WOE.1
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My family is supportive of me but no one else eats low carb. Although a couple of my kids are moderate carb, my hubby and one son are probably high carb. It works. We don't push unhealthy foods on each other, but I do admit to pushing protein on my boys.
We mostly eat the same meals, just altered. I'll add extra fat and skip any potatoes or noodles, and my hubby will cut back on the heavier fat dishes to avoid high carb and high fat together.
If someone eats junk food, I try to have something keto friendly like pork rinds or nuts. No thanks seems to be enough. My hubby and I have been together long enough that we don't indulge in behaviors we aren't interested in just to keep our spouse company. He knows that he can't change me and I can't change him. I'll offer snippets of advice or health fact tidbits but thats it.
This is my home in a nutshell. I have two girls, though and I ask them to consider Keto but neither think they can with school. My Love and I support each other's needs and don't want to change each other. We eat the same meals, I just up my butter and avoid the carb sides.0 -
PaleoInScotland wrote: »I've realised that I was a really bad influence on people for years. I love to cook and feed people, it's my way of showing my love and affection. I'm sure I've contributed to many people's weight gain, most definitely my husband's. He and I are very independent and we don't have kids, so right now we frequently prepare our meals.
My mom is visiting from America and just spent a couple weeks with our family in England and half her activities were centred around food, she's already struggling to fit into her jeans.
My life isn't centred around food anymore, so I'm learning new ways to adapt to having company over. It's funny, normally I would have been feeding her huge meals as a way to welcome her to my home, but she keeps complaining that she needs a snack because I'm not feeding her enough lol. She's freaking out on me right now because I haven't eaten anything today, but I'm not hungry. My mom has T2 diabetes, but has always been normal weight, so she struggles to understand my weight issues.
Food can definitely change or at least impact our relationships. I'm so grateful my husband has finally reached such a supportive place. He doesn't buy junk food that I would be interested in.
How do we center our lives around something else? I think about that a lot. Mother's Day yesterday...let's take Mom out to eat. Christmas and Thanksgiving...huge feasts. And I'm the trouble maker. I LOVE to cook and feed people too. So when I want to celebrate my daughter's birthday (she'll be 21) next month...what do I do if I don't bake her a cake and take her to dinner? It seems like food is what brings us together...this struggle is real.2 -
Here's a simple but effective way to train your hubby. The next time he tried to push junk food on you, don't say a thing. Just smile then get up and leave the room. Repeat this every time he does this. He will eventually get a clue and stop doing it. It is after all your body and your health at issue / stake here, not his.2
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RowdysLady wrote: »PaleoInScotland wrote: »I've realised that I was a really bad influence on people for years. I love to cook and feed people, it's my way of showing my love and affection. I'm sure I've contributed to many people's weight gain, most definitely my husband's. He and I are very independent and we don't have kids, so right now we frequently prepare our meals.
My mom is visiting from America and just spent a couple weeks with our family in England and half her activities were centred around food, she's already struggling to fit into her jeans.
My life isn't centred around food anymore, so I'm learning new ways to adapt to having company over. It's funny, normally I would have been feeding her huge meals as a way to welcome her to my home, but she keeps complaining that she needs a snack because I'm not feeding her enough lol. She's freaking out on me right now because I haven't eaten anything today, but I'm not hungry. My mom has T2 diabetes, but has always been normal weight, so she struggles to understand my weight issues.
Food can definitely change or at least impact our relationships. I'm so grateful my husband has finally reached such a supportive place. He doesn't buy junk food that I would be interested in.
How do we center our lives around something else? I think about that a lot. Mother's Day yesterday...let's take Mom out to eat. Christmas and Thanksgiving...huge feasts. And I'm the trouble maker. I LOVE to cook and feed people too. So when I want to celebrate my daughter's birthday (she'll be 21) next month...what do I do if I don't bake her a cake and take her to dinner? It seems like food is what brings us together...this struggle is real.
I'm trying to focus on activities that we can do together to stay busy instead of sitting around the kitchen table eating. It really is hard though, my mom is probably as frustrated with me right now because our day isn't all about food as I am that all she wants to do is eat. Thank god for my husband for helping me stay calm every time she asks about food.
Is there somewhere special you can take your daughter for her birthday? To a concert, the theatre, a museum, amusement park, pottery class, etc?1 -
RowdysLady wrote: »How do we center our lives around something else? I think about that a lot. Mother's Day yesterday...let's take Mom out to eat. Christmas and Thanksgiving...huge feasts. And I'm the trouble maker. I LOVE to cook and feed people too. So when I want to celebrate my daughter's birthday (she'll be 21) next month...what do I do if I don't bake her a cake and take her to dinner? It seems like food is what brings us together...this struggle is real.
Or, if you do want to include food as what brings you together, make a choice and indulge in a healthier but more expensive food that you normally would. Steak and lobster or seafood fest or whatever. Buy some truffle oil or truffle salt and indulge your inner foodie. Make steaks at home and experiment with homemade herb butters. Try a low carb biscuit recipe.
Make a low carb berry cheesecake. Or set out to make a smorgasboard of only "on plan" foods - I bet that would be an excellent way to show them how easy it can be to do, once you've made up your mind to stick to it. A fancy cheeseboard served with pickles, olives, low carb meats, small quantities of fancy things you've always wanted to try but can't afford on a regular basis, etc.PaleoInScotland wrote: »I'm trying to focus on activities that we can do together to stay busy instead of sitting around the kitchen table eating. It really is hard though, my mom is probably as frustrated with me right now because our day isn't all about food as I am that all she wants to do is eat. Thank god for my husband for helping me stay calm every time she asks about food.
Is there somewhere special you can take your daughter for her birthday? To a concert, the theatre, a museum, amusement park, pottery class, etc?
LOVE these ideas, too. Make your special times about the memories you can make together!1 -
My mum and I are out walking, seeing sites, doing craft classes like painting our own delft tile together and visiting tourist attractions. Learning a new skill with a teenager is more memorable than a meal. Mum rode on the back of a harley for her 60th and abseiled /climbed a cliff for her 70th. They are more memorable and great stories than us cooking her another nice chocolate cake. Traditions are awesome and food does connect us, so do shared experiences, laughter and even messyness when we try the high ropes and the little kid is far quicker than the oldies. Have fun!3
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RowdysLady wrote: »PaleoInScotland wrote: »I've realised that I was a really bad influence on people for years. I love to cook and feed people, it's my way of showing my love and affection. I'm sure I've contributed to many people's weight gain, most definitely my husband's. He and I are very independent and we don't have kids, so right now we frequently prepare our meals.
My mom is visiting from America and just spent a couple weeks with our family in England and half her activities were centred around food, she's already struggling to fit into her jeans.
My life isn't centred around food anymore, so I'm learning new ways to adapt to having company over. It's funny, normally I would have been feeding her huge meals as a way to welcome her to my home, but she keeps complaining that she needs a snack because I'm not feeding her enough lol. She's freaking out on me right now because I haven't eaten anything today, but I'm not hungry. My mom has T2 diabetes, but has always been normal weight, so she struggles to understand my weight issues.
Food can definitely change or at least impact our relationships. I'm so grateful my husband has finally reached such a supportive place. He doesn't buy junk food that I would be interested in.
How do we center our lives around something else? I think about that a lot. Mother's Day yesterday...let's take Mom out to eat. Christmas and Thanksgiving...huge feasts. And I'm the trouble maker. I LOVE to cook and feed people too. So when I want to celebrate my daughter's birthday (she'll be 21) next month...what do I do if I don't bake her a cake and take her to dinner? It seems like food is what brings us together...this struggle is real.
I baked my daughter a cake for her 21st and just didn't eat it. It wasn't a big deal. I took her out for sushi and I got mine without rice wrapped in cucumber! We all had a good time!1 -
My husband never tries to derail me but he will often mumble complaints about my "special snowflake diet". I have celiac disease so I've been gluten free for years and now he complains that I had to take a restricted diet and make it even more restrictive. I just remind him that at least one of us cares about our health and it's not like I'm forcing him to eat anything he doesn't want.
Other times I've overheard him tell people how I've not cheated on my diet and it's been 7 months and he's proud of my dedication so I think he's just giving me a hard time. lol6
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