People who judge how you diet

angelaanhela

Hi everyone!

So I live with my brother and through out this journey with doctors and the pre-op diet he has been very supportive and encouraging and has also started eating healthier. However.....

There are times when during my liquid diet week that I will choose to have a regular meal for a special occasions. Nutritionist said that is fine, this is just to prepare myself more with habit and surgery, not that big of a deal. There are also times that I cheat, Im human, but of course afterward I think about it and deal with it in therapy etc. Then there are times like today when I planned to only do one regular meal in the middle of the day because it was inbetween a therapy session and work. I feel that this was ok since I would have the rest of the day liquid and all previous days have been perfect and I would finish the week perfect. I felt that I would still be ontrack with that, that my nutritionist would also be ok with that, not a big deal.

I woke up late, only had enough time to get ready for work and drive to my therapy appointment (which I was late). Thankfully I always keep a protein bar in my purse so I ate that on my way to therapy. I decided then that I would just take the whole day and do a regular food day. No big deal, Ive done so well the past 3 days and I can do great the next 2, no use stressing. Therapy is great and VERY productive (Dealt with my anxiety over my fear of getting to my goal weight and freaking out with all the attention that I might just want to binge and gain as a defense mechanism. Came to the realization that anxiety is normal to feel about that and I am not the same person I used to be and I would be able to handle attention successfully.) Moving on, I go to lunch at a new place, take the leftovers for dinner at work, pick up a side salad for dinner, splurge on a cookie which I shouldnt have done (but Im aware of what I did wrong and will deal with it), and go to work.

I come home at around 9:45pm (My eating schedule is a little later since I now work 3:30-midnight) and Im still kind of hungry and figure its probably because I didnt have much protein during the day so I decide its ok to have a cup of raw vegetables, edamame hummus, and chicken breast. My brother sees this and things start escalating because he thinks I should be finishing my day as liquid and everything I say is an excuse to cheat on my diet. So I try to end the conversation which has created a lot of contention in the air. This has happened a couple of times. He judges me on the choices I make with my diet and actually gets angry if I dont follow it as strictly as he thinks that I should. And of course I get defensive since I know more about my diet than he does and can make my own decisions and shouldnt be so judged on that. Granted, a third of the time he finds me doing something he doesnt think is right, it is me cheating but I am aware of that (and dealing with it successfully). But 2/3 of the time it is because I know what I am doing. I know what my week/day has been like. I have spoken with my nutritionist about this stuff. I know where I am mentally/emotionally.

So how do I deal with this? I enjoy the support but I really dont want the stress of dealing with him being angry/judgmental about my choices. It is very negative and does not help. In all honesty it makes me want to just binge to rebel and show him that I can make my own decisions. Of course we all know that is very unhealthy thinking and actually hurting myself more and also an excuse to binge. Which is why I wont and I havent. How do I politely tell him to stop judging my choices? How do I present it to him rationally?

Sorry for the super long post! I tend to ramble.

JenaOnTrack74

Ok Angela first I think it very noble of you to even consider HIS feeling about YOUR diet, but since you are....

1.) You've lost almost 30 pounds ON YOUR OWN no surgery, he didn't do it for you YOU did that.

2.)You're in the LEARNING phases of weight loss, and HE isn't YOUR dietician/nutritionist. That job position has already been filled.

3.) Let him know that his support is vital(sounds like you two a pretty close) but his OVER concern causes you stress and that will lead to self sabotage. So if he is truly trying to HELP you, he can calmly say his peace (if he must) and that's where it should end.

4.) You have NO REASON to apologize or defend anything to anyone but yourself, and you most certainly have NOTHING to apologize for with a snack that consisted of a cup of raw vegetables, edamame hummus, and chicken breast!! What is that 200-225 calories of protein, fiber, and nutrients! Com' on man! EXCELLENT WAY of controlling the situation EXCELLENT!!!!

5.) YOU'RE DOING GREAT! KEEP IT UP!! :drinker: :drinker: :drinker:

Feel free to print this out and give it to him!:laugh: :laugh:

Jena

minibandit

I think this is common with some men who love us and are invested in us. It comes from a place of love, I'm sure, and then gets all muddied by the fact they have balls.
My husband does something similar - his support can sometimes over-flow in to being controlling and we've had this out MANY a time.

It's difficult as, although I need and appreciate his support, when it starts to become a control issue I, same as you, want to rebel.
The only way you can deal with this is head on I think.

I can only advise on what I did - and I talked. I explained that this (whatever it was I was doing and he was supporting) was my 'thing' and my journey and by becoming controlling he takes that away from me. All of a sudden it becomes his 'thing' and ceases to belong to me. That undermines my emotional investment in whatever it was/is I am trying to achieve.

I told him that, as everyone else does, I learn more from my mistakes than my successes and to that end I have to be the one to experience the ups and downs and learn from them and that by cushioning and controlling my mistakes, he takes the learning away from the journey. It would be more valuable to me to be able to talk through my mistakes with him than for him to try to stop them from happening in the first place.

I also explained that my very nature decrees that I must stick two fingers up at him and rise against the machine!! (him) And that whenever I get a sniff of him trying to micro-manage the situation I will go out, get very drunk, smoke and eat a kebab or three just to piss him off.
Now, that is counter-productive!...and possibly a bit immature...

And then to top it off, because he's a bloke and they all need a little ego stroke, I made sure he realised that his support was invaluable - it was the controlling that was the issue.

Good luck gorgeous! xx

grim_traveller

I have been doing this for a while, and have been very successful. And I have followed a lot of people, some who have been successful, and some who haven't. And I want to be helpful with you as well.

The other posters are wrong. You aren't doing great. You are looking for every excuse you can to go off your program. And if you don't get back on track, you will go completely off the rails. I know you will likely be furious with me, like you are with your brother, but he is right.

Surgery can help your innards, but not your head. You need to get your head into this. You will lose weight with surgery, but without changing your thinking, you will gain back every pound and then some. I've seen it with many people, and every one starts out just like you are.

Stop making excuses. Follow your program to the letter. Stop asking others, whether dieticians or on here, for permission to deviate. This is not just a "cheat" now and then. It's a pattern, and one that you will regret.

ruqayyahsmum

Is this the pre op diet we are talking about?

If so theres a reason why it has to be followed. its to shrink your liver so it can be hooked safely out of the way to try and reduce some of the risk factors during surgery.

In the uk if youve not stuck to it they wont go ahead. there are people who have been opened up, Surgeons taken one look at the liver and just closed straight back up again.

The liquid diets not for a long time and after day 3 it does get easier ( i had low carbed for months before hand to get ready so i didnt struggle on the milk diet for even a day)

Weight loss surgery is a difficult process hun, you have to get your head in the right place from the moment you decide to enquire about surgery because if you think its hard now just wait until you wake up from surgery. Im 3 weeks out from surgery now and each meal time is a learning curve due to lack of hunger and my body sometimes accepting the purees and other days its a big nope

there was a woman who my surgeon operated on who managed to just scrape through with the liquid diet, he gave her a pass knowing she had cheated a couple times, 2 weeks after surgery she was in intensive care after deciding she felt like having a cheese sandwich!

its sounds like your brother genuinly wants to help you, let him. Sit down with him and talk about the surgery, how your feeling and how he can help you stay on track

oh and the pounds lost on my tracker have all been pre op, not checked yet to see whats gone since surgery

csmccord

You know, you may be mad about this from me too, but I think grim is more on track than others. Yes, grilled chicken, veggies, and hummus are all good choices, when you are on a solid food diet.

However, you have been prescribed a liquid diet. There are three things that I was told that have been very memorable for me.

1. 50% of weight loss surgery patients gain it all back within 5 years. There is a woman whom I work with who had surgery about 6 months before me. She's already starting to gain back at 2 years post surgery. I see some of the food choices that she makes on a regular basis and I find them very questionable. She probably shouldn't be eating take out Chinese 3 days a week for example.
2. Treat food as if it's medicine. You wouldn't intentionally overdose on say, hypertension or pain meds would you?
3. "Weight lose surgery is not a do over. It's a do better." WLS is simply a tool to help you change your lifestyle. Lifestyle changes are really what we all need. They simply give you time to form new habits.

With those in mind, I understand it's only the pre-op diet. I was on a liquid diet pre-op as well. They wanted me to lose weight to shrink the size of my liver. Fatty liver diseases (which most obese people have) cause it to get in the way during surgery. They then would have to switch from laproscopic to fully open surgery, which takes much longer to recover from. I sure as hell didn't want to have a 12 inch incision in my side. I followed my 2 weeks of liquid diet to a T. The problem here is, that if you continually find excuses for when it's okay to go off the liquid diet, for even a meal, then it becomes habit. Since your dietitian says the diet is mainly for you to form the habit, you are only hurting yourself.

You've done well so far! Don't discount the weight loss you've had so far, but you need to work on buckling down. I treat myself on one meal a week. That means I have to have at least 6 good days before I'll allow myself something extra, but keep in mind I'm 18 months post surgery. Don't let cheating become a habit like it sounds like it is. One of most important parts of any diet is planning ahead. You can buy pre-made protein shakes to carry with you. For my two weeks I was on Optifast. They can be stored at room temperature, so all you had to do was carry it with you. If you know you'll be busy, carry some with you.

As for your brother. Most guys are fixers. I know I am. This means that they are proactive in trying to fix something. If my wife tells me shes cold, I'll get her a blanket or turn the heat up. If she complains about a squeaky door, I'll lubricate it. If she tells me she wants to lose weight, I'll suggest meals, or look up research for it. He's honestly trying to help you. His heart is in the right place, but his methods might be a bit off. If you don't like him nagging you, tell him. Maybe let him know other ways that he can help. Maybe he can help set your meals out, or put them in your purse so you can take them with you? Maybe he can help you the night before to get everything ready, so there is no rush in the morning. Most times when people cheat, its because they didn't plan ahead and have something ready.

The bottom line is that I think you both have stuff to work you. For you, you need to actually form the habit. You're on a liquid diet, not a solid whenever the excuse arises diet. You'll learn very quickly after surgery that your body will utterly feel like crap if you deviate from your prescribed diet. Simply don't do it! It was prescribed for a reason. You may also want to consider being completely honest with your nutritionist. Seems to me they said every once in awhile for solids is fine. They probably didn't mean entire days. You also need to tell your brother when enough is enough. Don't do it when tensions are high, wait until you can both cool down. He's trying to help, and will feel hurt if you simply tell him to butt out. Your brother also needs to learn to listen and know when enough is enough. Nagging isn't the way to get things done.

sue100194

Wow, tough words from the guys but so very much appreciated by me. I'm also in the preop phase with surgery next week. I'm facing a very tough weekend surrounded by people and potluck foods and stress and fatigue and as a result, was pondering if I could get away with some sort of cheat to my prescribed 3 protein shakes/1 lean cuisine/1 cup veggie diet that my surgeon has prescribed. I'm so grateful to have your tough love and advice to keep me scared straight

minibandit

Maybe Angela can put us right on this but, I don't think she's on the official faze of the liquid diet yet...?

I understood that this was to get her used to it by using a few days here and there where she would adhere to it. Hence her comment about people/her brother not understanding what she was doing.

csmccord

Regardless of anything we say here, the advice from her nutritionist/dietitian is always trump. If that person says one solid meal every few days is okay, then that's fine. What my concern is that she may not have been following the spirit and intent of the diet. If the idea is to get her used to liquids that's fine. But by showing a consistent pattern of going on entire days of solids, or reverting to a solid meal when she wants to or has the excuse too indicates a problem.

After surgery, you don't have that option. You can't just one day say, "Hey, I feel like a solid meal today. Let's have some grilled chicken and steamed veggies." You eat the wrong thing, eat it too fast, or don't chew it properly, you could be in for hours of pain and suffering. I'm speaking from an RNY bypass point of view, because that's what I know. I can be very painful when something gets stuck or when too much is eaten. I had this issue last week where I didn't chew my salad properly. I'm 18 months post-op and eat 8 to 10 oz of solid food at a time.

And, to be honest, she might be worrying about the wrong things. My post-op liquid phase only lasted for two weeks. I had more of a problem making sure I chewed properly. I was so beat up from the surgery for the first week, that I didn't even want to eat anyway. My wife's solid food would make my pouch turn just looking at it. But, again, my journey is my own and will not be same as others.

Bandit, if you are right, then a minimum she needs to sit down with her brother, once they've both cooled off and talk with him. Or maybe even put him on the phone with the dietitian if he still doesn't get it.

Edit: So I read through her post again.

"There are times when during my liquid diet week that I will choose to have a regular meal for a special occasions. Nutritionist said that is fine, this is just to prepare myself more with habit and surgery, not that big of a deal."

So, from my understanding it's only for a week at a time, and to start the habit of a liquid diet. The NUT said that during that week, she could have A regular meal for a SPECIAL occasion. From the way she described it, she's not having just one solid meal a week for a special occasion. She chose to have a entire day of solid meals because she was running late on a busy day. I don't think I would quantify that as one meal on a special occasion. I don't think she is truly following spirit or the intent of the diet. But yes, you are right that it's not the official pre-op diet so the standards can be relaxed.

sleepingarby

My only comment is on your brother's reaction and how to get his support. Firstly does he know what you know? His concerns appears to come from a lack of understanding of what you actually know about your requirements. It sounds like more communication is needed so that you both are on the same wavelength. Secondly if he is your main support person, (which is likely since you live together) he should be attending at least some of your appointments with your nutritionist. That way he can ask the questions that he is concerned about and then when he points out concerns he is only echoing what the nutritionist told you. You will be less likely to feel attacked and more like a getting a supportive reminder. Also, be open with him about your tricky schedule. Ask for his ideas on how to navigate some of those tricky unexpected days. Attempt to apply some of his ideas this will reassure him that you are indeed trying to work toward your goal rather than sabotage it. In any case keep up your progress and don't allow stress days to make you lose sight. All the best.

garber6th

I have been doing this for a while, and have been very successful. And I have followed a lot of people, some who have been successful, and some who haven't. And I want to be helpful with you as well.

The other posters are wrong. You aren't doing great. You are looking for every excuse you can to go off your program. And if you don't get back on track, you will go completely off the rails. I know you will likely be furious with me, like you are with your brother, but he is right.

Surgery can help your innards, but not your head. You need to get your head into this. You will lose weight with surgery, but without changing your thinking, you will gain back every pound and then some. I've seen it with many people, and every one starts out just like you are.

Stop making excuses. Follow your program to the letter. Stop asking others, whether dieticians or on here, for permission to deviate. This is not just a "cheat" now and then. It's a pattern, and one that you will regret.

This is a very honest and true response to the OP.

It seems like you have very detailed explanations as to why you are deviating from your plan. You cannot take this into your own hands. There are plans to stick to for a reason. The surgery is not a little thing. If you are making excuses now, it isn't a good sign. You really do need to embrace the process and trust the professionals you are dealing with. I have always felt that if you don't get things right in your head, you won't get things right with your health. I did a lot of work preparing myself mentally and physically for this surgery. Please stick to the plan and do all you can to ensure your success!!

As far as your brother - honestly, it doesn't sound like your brother is being judgmental, it seems like he is being concerned. Maybe his approach leaves something to be desired, but try to see the message, not the way it's delivered.

JenaOnTrack74

this is just to prepare myself more with habit and surgery

I am in the stage of classes right now and also being told to do things for practice at this point. Granted I did feel you had some excuses that you shouldn't be defending so much and I agree making these excuses will cause someone to revert back to old habits and gain their wieght back. I didn't comment on that so much as you are saying you are going to therapy and dealing with these things but I hope you appreciate the candor the other posters have used with you and know it comes from a sincere place. I most definately appreciate the stong advice as I do NOT want this weight back once it's gone.

It is a long road and yes your going to hit bumps but take these folks advice and listen to your Doctors and strictly follow the plan once you are in the phase of LIQUIDS ONLY.

Stay Strong young lady!!

angelaanhela

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advise! It is very appreciated.

So I see that there are maybe some things that I should clarify to give a better picture. My insurance needs 6 months of a doctor prescribed diet that shows gradual weight loss. I am currently on my 5th month of that and have been doing the liquid week every other week since Dec 20th. The surgeon said if I had trouble with every other week then I could do it every two weeks, I chose to do it every other week.

This is not the official 2 week liquid phase right before surgery.

With my own logic I found it healthier to do a solid day because I had no protein powder with me and couldnt go home until midnight. Sure I could have just drank coffee, water, tea for the whole day but that also wouldnt be following the liquid diet which requires protein for nutrition and those liquids have no nutrition. The nutrients on liquid days are already very very low so with 3 previous liquid days, if I didnt get sufficint nutrients then I would have consequences of either muscle cramps and/or severe headaches. I know this because of experience with the liquid diet and not getting in all the required liquids. So the healthiest choice was solid food that would get me through the day.

By special occasions that meant Christmas, Birthdays, etc.

Also something to clarify is that we all deal with problems differently. Some achieve goals with black and white thinking, some people need mistakes inorder to learn through experience. We all deal with our relationship with food differently because we all have different pasts with food.

One thing I do know, I am not a black and white thinker and that kind of thinking will set off triggers for me. Most men are fixers and goal oriented and therefore black and white thinkers, linear thinkers. Most women are round thinkers, thinking of all the different possibilities. This doesnt mean one is better than the other, they are just different. This doesnt mean all men or women are like that. Its psychology.

This morning is calm and normal. If it comes up again then I will just calmly tell him that I know what I am doing. If he starts getting mad then Ill just say I dont want to talk about it and just not answer his questions.

I do not need the stress of defending myself so I wont try defending myself, Ill just ignore the questions. That way I wont feel the need to rebel and binge. I know that might not make sense but it does in my mind and thats all that matters. As long as it works in my mind for me, then it works.

angelaanhela

But I am definitely taking into consideration all of your advise!!! Dont get me wrong, I am very open minded even when it comes to my own blindness in situations. I go to therapy once a week and have been since October and will be for quite awhile. I dont have a problem with seeking help and trying to actively improve myself.

csmccord

With my own logic I found it healthier to do a solid day because I had no protein powder with me and couldnt go home until midnight. Sure I could have just drank coffee, water, tea for the whole day but that also wouldnt be following the liquid diet which requires protein for nutrition and those liquids have no nutrition. The nutrients on liquid days are already very very low so with 3 previous liquid days, if I didnt get sufficint nutrients then I would have consequences of either muscle cramps and/or severe headaches. I know this because of experience with the liquid diet and not getting in all the required liquids. So the healthiest choice was solid food that would get me through the day.

You are right, the post-op liquid diet does require protein shakes. And in this case, you may have made the proper choice. However, the way I see it (and yes, it is goal oriented thinking. I'm a guy I can't help it) is supposed to be practice for the real deal. If a day like that happens post-op, you don't have the choice to go to solids. You can tear your stomach by eating solids too soon. You also can't go without eating. For the few months, I ate on a schedule. I never felt hungry. If I didn't eat by 2 PM, I'd get so dizzy and light headed I would almost pass out. So just drinking water, tea, etc wasn't an option
.
Again, I suggest you plan ahead for it. Protein supplements comes in a large variety of options. You can get premixed, individual powder packets, or you can simply put a scoop in a blender ball and put them in an emergency bag or your purse. I understand that you don't have to be perfect now, but practice makes perfect right?

You are doing an awesome job! I hope you don't take it as you're not. I'm not trying to you that you're doing a poor job, just trying to give you advice from my experiences. I'm sure you'll do just fine come post-op. It comes easier than you think post-op. You're life will be turned upside down, and it will suck for the first few weeks. But it's completely worth it! The best choice I've ever made for myself.

garber6th

But I am definitely taking into consideration all of your advise!!! Dont get me wrong, I am very open minded even when it comes to my own blindness in situations. I go to therapy once a week and have been since October and will be for quite awhile. I dont have a problem with seeking help and trying to actively improve myself.

I think this is great. I was in therapy for over a year before I started the process for weight loss surgery. It was more help than I can even tell you.

I see we have almost the same amount of weight to lose. Through therapy and changing the way I think, I lost a 70lbs even before I had the surgery. (My ticker shows I have lost 117 but it's more - I just don't weigh myself unless I go to the Dr, just one of my quirks!) I think what helped me the most was sticking with the program to a T. No excuses, no deviations. But, I am a very black and white type thinker as you put it, and this worked for me. I just know that I have a long road ahead and I don't want to get off track.

Jena is right when she says that all the advice you are being given does come from a sincere and caring place. We have all been through the journey, we are all in different phases, and we are all part of this group to help each other and hopefully we can learn from each others' experiences and mistakes.

angelaanhela

Yes I totally agree we are all here to help each other!

I learned from that experience that just like I have the protein bar in my purse at all times, I should probably also keep a couple of sandwich bags of individual protein powders.......and now that I think of it I should also put a couple in my car too. Just in-case.

But I really understand about following the liquid diet to a T. I love that I have been able to have this practice because Ive learned that if you become dehydrated from not getting in all your liquids then you will have SEVERE health consequences. I had a couple busy days one week and just 2 days of not getting all my liquid caused really bad muscle cramps all of a sudden and I was in tears from the pain.

I also learned how important it is to make sure your liquids are varied and you do try to get in as much nutrients from them as possible. Like broths, teas, plain water, gelatin, protein powder, milk, almond milk. Without a schedule its almost impossible to get all that liquid in within the day. Especially with pre-op since you have to wait an hour to drink something when you eat a light yogurt or your mid day meal.

Question: When doing your fiber supplements 3 times a day, when do you do them? I found that doing one at night before going to bed really messes up my stomach. I think because Im laying down so it has a harder time traveling.

grim_traveller

Angela, what I see you doing is still trying to justify your choices, rather than just admitting you made the wrong choice. That kind of thinking leads to major problems. You have too many rationalizations. And don't chalk it up to male thinking vs femal thinking. Most of the really long term success stories I know are women, and they would be ripping me a new one right now for being so easy on you.

You are five months into this process, so you should know by now that you have to plan ahead. If you don't bring liquid protein with you, you should know which convenience stores have premixed protein shakes. There are lots of options, rather than ditching your plan entirely. You certainly could have had liquid protein before you left the house in the morning, and again when you got home at night, leaving one meal in between to figure something out. But you choose to rationalize, and eat what you wanted to all day.

Alternating weeks is easy. You can survive on liquids for a week, knowing that you can eat solds the following week. What will you do at the end, when you have two straight weeks of liquids pre-op, and two to four weeks more post-op? In this frame of mind, you will drive yourself crazy, or worse.

The changes you need to make have to be permanent to succeed. Five months are gone, and you have one month left to make yourself follow the committment you have made. We all want you to be a success.

JenaOnTrack74

We all want you to be a success.

:drinker: :drinker: :drinker: :drinker: :flowerforyou:

garber6th

I didn't have to do a pre-op liquid diet, but I followed everything else to a T. EVERYTHING. I have known people who had regain after WLS and I asked them why they thought they regained. They all said the same thing - they didn't do what they were supposed to do. That simple. So, now I do everything I am supposed to do. I don't deviate, I don't justify. I have had a friend tell me I was being "obsessive". If that's what she wants to call it, fine. I call it doing everything within my power to ensure my success.

It's more than just carrying protein bars with you. It's just plain doing what you are supposed to do, and that includes planning for the unexpected, and not over-thinking or over-rationalizing. That might just be my black and white thinking again, but I don't think there is room in this process for circular thinking.

I get really frustrated when I see people posting about how hard this process is. In my head I think, did you think this would be easy? It takes a lot of effort and change. I thought I was really prepared, and in a sense I was, but from the minute you have surgery, life is very different. There isn't room to compromise, especially in the beginning. Grim might be giving you a little tough love, but everything he is saying is right. Please do everything in your power to let this process work for you, without trying to change things to suit you. This will reallllly help you be successful. I wish you the very best!

stroynaya

Granted, a third of the time he finds me doing something he doesnt think is right, it is me cheating but I am aware of that (and dealing with it

This is what jumped out at me from your original post. To echo Grim and Garber, you are going to have problems after surgery if you keep continuing down the path you are on. It is great that you realize you are cheating and are dealing with it through therapy right now, but after surgery it will become a medical issue too if you continue to cheat, whatever the justification. Wishing you the best success in working through this and being ready for your new post-surgery food routines.

grim_traveller

I didn't have to do a pre-op liquid diet, but I followed everything else to a T. EVERYTHING. I have known people who had regain after WLS and I asked them why they thought they regained. They all said the same thing - they didn't do what they were supposed to do. That simple. So, now I do everything I am supposed to do. I don't deviate, I don't justify. I have had a friend tell me I was being "obsessive". If that's what she wants to call it, fine. I call it doing everything within my power to ensure my success.

It's more than just carrying protein bars with you. It's just plain doing what you are supposed to do, and that includes planning for the unexpected, and not over-thinking or over-rationalizing. That might just be my black and white thinking again, but I don't think there is room in this process for circular thinking.

I get really frustrated when I see people posting about how hard this process is. In my head I think, did you think this would be easy? It takes a lot of effort and change. I thought I was really prepared, and in a sense I was, but from the minute you have surgery, life is very different. There isn't room to compromise, especially in the beginning. Grim might be giving you a little tough love, but everything he is saying is right. Please do everything in your power to let this process work for you, without trying to change things to suit you. This will reallllly help you be successful. I wish you the very best!

And this is why you will continue to be successful, you really get it.

I still weigh all of my portions, and log every bite of food that goes in my mouth every day. It's easy to do, and it becomes second nature after a little while. And whenever I notice a couple of pounds creep on, I know exactly how much to cut back for it to disappear again. It's a great feeling to be in control of it for a change.

Similar to Garber, I recently had a friend tell me that I was being obsessive by weighing and logging, and thought it might be a sign of an eating disorder. I don't know what the technical definition of an eating disorder is, to be honest. But when I was 475 pounds I knew for certain that I had one. If I have an eating disorder now, I would much rather have this kind than the Super Morbidly Obese one.

csmccord

And this is why you will continue to be successful, you really get it.

I still weigh all of my portions, and log every bite of food that goes in my mouth every day. It's easy to do, and it becomes second nature after a little while. And whenever I notice a couple of pounds creep on, I know exactly how much to cut back for it to disappear again. It's a great feeling to be in control of it for a change.

Similar to Garber, I recently had a friend tell me that I was being obsessive by weighing and logging, and thought it might be a sign of an eating disorder. I don't know what the technical definition of an eating disorder is, to be honest. But when I was 475 pounds I knew for certain that I had one. If I have an eating disorder now, I would much rather have this kind than the Super Morbidly Obese one.

And that's why you get it too. The initial weight loss is easy. The surgery does it for you. The hard part is maintenance after about the first 9 months or a year. I still weight my food as well. Don't measure solids, weigh them on a scale. Weighing food is very important. If you don't weigh your food, you have no idea how much you are actually getting.

Edit: And Grim, I'm with you. If weighing your food is a sign of an eating disorder (which it's not) then I'd rather have the eating disorder than be morbidly obese again. I'll take this lifestyle over my old one any day.

BunBun85

Blah blah, excuses, blah, eating too soon, death from not chewing, complications, etc.

Everyone is different, every surgery is different, listen to your doctors. You won't ever get away from people judging you, it's just what people do.

I had RNY gastric bypass May 2nd 2012, I was on a semi-liquid diet for 2 weeks before, liquid for 3 days after and then told to start eating crackers with cheese and lunch meat from that point on and to introduce regular food. I was never told to not eat anything, including fizzy drinks unless I had an adverse reaction. I ate 18 chicken nuggets yesterday and a medium fry over the course of 3 and 1/2 hours and I didn't die. I have to admit I should have waited even longer to drink anything after such a massive meal but again, not dead, not over calories, no guilt. I have lost 60%+ of my excess weight that I was told I would lose and I know after pregnancy that I will continue to lose weight because I know more now then I did before I went through a year and a half of intensive pre-op classes. How different does that sound to loads of other WLS patients? I must be one of those people who are doomed to gain all their weight back!

My point; you have a team, listen to them. You're not the same as me, or anyone else on this website, in your family or in your pre-op classes. Utilize your people, snuff the nay-sayers, you're paying for professional advice, follow that.

annwyatt69

Well, how much weight you lose, how successful you will be now and in the future, depends on YOU and the lifestyle change you adapt. If you choose to make excuses for yourself, you may still lose weight--at first--maybe 60% or a little more, maybe even 100%. But without those lifestyle changes, it won't last--you'll be one of the MFPers who come back and have to lose that gain that they dreadfully regret. It's your life, your choice. What YOU do with it depends on YOU. Me, I choose to educate myself on what works well for me and will continue doing so. I choose to be healthy--in every way--body, mind, spirit. It's the way I CHOOSE to live my life. Your success depends on you.

Rindabu

I only want to say that you seem like a strong, opinionated, beautiful woman and you would be doing a disservice to yourself if you didn't do everything in your power to take advantage of this opportunity to improve your health. Also, I'm sure all these seemingly negative comments are coming from a place of concern and caring. Ultimately, it's all up to you. The only person you have to make proud is yourself.

garber6th

Not trying to start any arguments here, but I don't see any negative comments, I see brutal honesty coming from people who have been there and done that. My take on things is this - The surgery process, pre-op and post-op, is not the place to placate or walk on eggshells around anyone. This is serious business. If someone can't deal with the truth, or do the simple things that are required of them pre and post op, maybe they need to assess whether or not they have what it takes to actually have WLS and live with it afterwards. The thought process regarding food and WLS is deep, and it needs to be addressed before surgery, and forever after surgery. The commitment has to be strong and the process cannot be taken lightly. The people who do what they are supposed to do without making excuses, or justifying choices or behaviors, are those that are the most successful long term.

If we cannot be honest and helpful with each other here, among people who are going through what we are going through, then the message boards and this group would be doing a disservice.

Rindabu

That's why i referred to the comments as "seemingly negative."

While I agree that this is a serious issue and I am not intending to minimize, I can certainly understand why angelaanhela would feel kind of attacked. She came here for support and understanding. What she got was tough love, but it took more of a tone of group shaming.

Next time, maybe try a little understanding before you pass judgement on someone who is clearly under a great deal of stress. We should all understand the stress of undergoing a major life change. The actions as a result of this stress are not indicative of future success or failure.

garber6th

No one is passing judgment, just sharing experience. You can certainly read shaming into it if that's your perspective.

I do disagree with you though, the actions as a result of this stress can very well be indicative of future success or failure. In my opinion, if someone is making excuses and justifying choices that are outside of a plan given to them by a surgeon or physician, to me that isn't a great sign. This behavior could be disastrous and lead to failure post-surgery.

I am sure you will have a response to this, but I have said my piece.

Rindabu

I just hope everyone is proud of their responses and justifications for said responses.

How YOU perceive your advice is not important. How she perceives it is. The ultimate goal of advice is not to bully someone into your way of thinking. That doesn't help anyone. If anything it makes them less likely to try and understand what you are trying to tell them.

This woman felt like she had lost support at home and now she probably feels like she's lost the support of the people on here, too.

What happened to the positive and uplifting message of taking control of your life and everyone here being in the same boat? I hope anyone who needs support and POSITIVE reinforcement to make the right choices feels safe to talk to me in a judgement free environment, because it's not my job to make someone's decisions for them. I can only give them a friendly point in the right direction. Where they go from there is up to them.

angelaanhela

Lots of comments today.

Thank you all for your concerns, advices, sharings. They are all taken into consideration with personal self-reflection, as is the purpose of anyone posting a discussion.It is always good to have different perspectives.

Failure only happens when you stop trying. Being im-perfect is not an indication of future failure or even current failure. If that was true then we are ALL failures. I personally think it is more beneficial to my success to focus on things I am doing right than on discouraging and demotivating myself by dwelling in little mistakes.

The original post was asking for advise on how to deal with people who are close to you, who think they know your diet better than you, and how to politely get them to stop abrasively judging your choices.