Introductions

mamapaints

Hi all, I'm mama to three precious kiddos, all adopted. Our middle child came to us first at 6mos old from S. Korea (now 5). Our oldest came next at 6.5 years old from Ethiopia (now 9). Our baby is nine months old and he came to us through domestic infant adoption when he was just a day old. We have an open adoption with his first mom. We send letters and pictures to Korea to be put in our middle daughter's file for her first mom, but have no way of knowing if she comes to check the file or not. We have been able to get a couple letters and pics to our oldest's mom in Ethiopia through a non-profit in D.C. Adoption is beautiful (I have the three best kids in the world! ) but it is also messy, it can be filled with loss and unanswerable questions, and my kids have already dealt with their share of grief in their short years so far. I entered the adoption world naive and with rose-colored glasses back in 2005. I by no means hold a negative view of adoption but I do understand how complex it is. I also grieve for my children and their first families while at the same time holding them close to my heart and thanking God everyday that I am blessed to call them mine.

I blog at http://benjaminandholly.blogspot.com and have lots of "adoption stuff" there.

_SusieQ_

Thanks Mama for getting us started. (I should have waited to get this up and running AFTER dinner!) Such a beautiful story!!

Hi, I'm Susie and both my sister and I are adopted. My parents discovered early into their marriage that my father was shooting blanks, for lack of a nicer term. They immediately looked into adoption. My mother has a cousin who is in the medical field and through some contacts found my birth family. From limited information I have she was 16 when she got pregnant and her parents pushed her into adoption b/c they felt like she would have a better, easier life not being a teen parent. My aparents (I hate to use that term, but will for ease of reading) were able to pick me up from the hospital when I was released at 4 days old. That was 1971.

Immediately after I came into the family my parents put their name back on the list. For various reasons though it was almost 7 years before we got my sister.

That is just a simple introduction for now. I will create another topic for more in depth discussion about how adoption has affected my life.

Crystal817

Hi all, I'm mama to three precious kiddos, all adopted. Our middle child came to us first at 6mos old from S. Korea (now 5). Our oldest came next at 6.5 years old from Ethiopia (now 9). Our baby is nine months old and he came to us through domestic infant adoption when he was just a day old. We have an open adoption with his first mom. We send letters and pictures to Korea to be put in our middle daughter's file for her first mom, but have no way of knowing if she comes to check the file or not. We have been able to get a couple letters and pics to our oldest's mom in Ethiopia through a non-profit in D.C. Adoption is beautiful (I have the three best kids in the world! ) but it is also messy, it can be filled with loss and unanswerable questions, and my kids have already dealt with their share of grief in their short years so far. I entered the adoption world naive and with rose-colored glasses back in 2005. I by no means hold a negative view of adoption but I do understand how complex it is. I also grieve for my children and their first families while at the same time holding them close to my heart and thanking God everyday that I am blessed to call them mine.

I blog at http://benjaminandholly.blogspot.com and have lots of "adoption stuff" there.

I think it's pretty awesome that you are sending pictures and letters over to Korea. I know some adoptive parents are so willing to try and keep an open connection with a child's birth mother/family. I'm sure your children will appreciate this when they get older!

I also commend you for seeing what adoption (can be) with out the so called rose colored glasses.

mamakathy

Hi! While I am not adopted and have not adopted(yet), I believe adoption is a beautiful thing. Our family is quiet large already but, we are seriously considering adoption from foster care. I'm afraid I may be using the same rose colored glasses that mamapaints speaks of. We have a strong desire to enlarge our family with a sibling group. The sibling groups just break my heart. We have been weighing and measuring the pros and cons. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Wuggums

Hello all! I've been involved in two parts of the adoption triangle - I am adopted and I placed a child for adoption when I was 19 years old. I'd love to write more about my experience when I have more time. In the meantime, please feel free to add me as a friend and read my profile for part of my story...

Qarol

Hi...I'm a sister to an adopted child. He was given up for adoption before I was born. He's a full brother...my father is not exactly the nicest person on the planet. He left my mom when she got pregnant...then years later, tracked her down and wooed her back. Then I came along. He had the "decency" not to leave her a second time.

I didn't meet my older brother until I was 18. He's three years older than I am. He was raised in a totally different environment than I. My only input to anyone in an adoption scenario is never try to make the child feel guilty for wanting to know his birth family. My brother's adopted mother HATED, literally hated, that he wanted to know us. She constantly made him feel bad for this, to the point where he asked us never to call him at home. He felt so different from his adopted family, as much as he loved them, that he wanted to know where he came from. They could never accept this. He couldn't get them to understand that it was no negative reflection on them just because he wanted to know others who were genetically related to him.

We look JUST alike. We act alike. It's odd...nature is very strong in us. But there are some nurture influences that make us different, as well. It's kind of fascinating to dissect.

Crystal817

Hi...I'm a sister to an adopted child. He was given up for adoption before I was born. He's a full brother...my father is not exactly the nicest person on the planet. He left my mom when she got pregnant...then years later, tracked her down and wooed her back. Then I came along. He had the "decency" not to leave her a second time.

I didn't meet my older brother until I was 18. He's three years older than I am. He was raised in a totally different environment than I. My only input to anyone in an adoption scenario is never try to make the child feel guilty for wanting to know his birth family. My brother's adopted mother HATED, literally hated, that he wanted to know us. She constantly made him feel bad for this, to the point where he asked us never to call him at home. He felt so different from his adopted family, as much as he loved them, that he wanted to know where he came from. They could never accept this. He couldn't get them to understand that it was no negative reflection on them just because he wanted to know others who were genetically related to him.

We look JUST alike. We act alike. It's odd...nature is very strong in us. But there are some nurture influences that make us different, as well. It's kind of fascinating to dissect.

Thanks for sharing your story! I think it's really awesome you got to meet your brother. I can only imagine what it would be like to meet any of my birth family. I would like to think I may have siblings out there somewhere!

mamapaints

Hi...I'm a sister to an adopted child. He was given up for adoption before I was born. He's a full brother...my father is not exactly the nicest person on the planet. He left my mom when she got pregnant...then years later, tracked her down and wooed her back. Then I came along. He had the "decency" not to leave her a second time.

I didn't meet my older brother until I was 18. He's three years older than I am. He was raised in a totally different environment than I. My only input to anyone in an adoption scenario is never try to make the child feel guilty for wanting to know his birth family. My brother's adopted mother HATED, literally hated, that he wanted to know us. She constantly made him feel bad for this, to the point where he asked us never to call him at home. He felt so different from his adopted family, as much as he loved them, that he wanted to know where he came from. They could never accept this. He couldn't get them to understand that it was no negative reflection on them just because he wanted to know others who were genetically related to him.

We look JUST alike. We act alike. It's odd...nature is very strong in us. But there are some nurture influences that make us different, as well. It's kind of fascinating to dissect.

I agree, thanks for sharing! I think the past generations have had a much harder time "sharing" their (adopted) children, some still do today as well but I think most are much better educated about how healthy it is to keep communication lines open and adoptions open in general. My kids pretty much tell me anything and everything when they have thoughts about their first families/adoptions etc. Both my girls (at this point) want to track down their first moms in the future and I'll do whatever is necessary to help them. With my oldest especially, who lived with her first mom for the first 5 yrs of her life, she has needed to get affirmation from me again and again that it's okay to love two moms and that I am strong engough to hear anything she needs to say.

velarneyraptor

mamapaints - I just checked out your blog, your kids are beautiful I look forward to seeing them grow up through your blog

_SusieQ_

Hi...I'm a sister to an adopted child. He was given up for adoption before I was born. He's a full brother...my father is not exactly the nicest person on the planet. He left my mom when she got pregnant...then years later, tracked her down and wooed her back. Then I came along. He had the "decency" not to leave her a second time.

I didn't meet my older brother until I was 18. He's three years older than I am. He was raised in a totally different environment than I. My only input to anyone in an adoption scenario is never try to make the child feel guilty for wanting to know his birth family. My brother's adopted mother HATED, literally hated, that he wanted to know us. She constantly made him feel bad for this, to the point where he asked us never to call him at home. He felt so different from his adopted family, as much as he loved them, that he wanted to know where he came from. They could never accept this. He couldn't get them to understand that it was no negative reflection on them just because he wanted to know others who were genetically related to him.

We look JUST alike. We act alike. It's odd...nature is very strong in us. But there are some nurture influences that make us different, as well. It's kind of fascinating to dissect.

I agree, thanks for sharing! I think the past generations have had a much harder time "sharing" their (adopted) children, some still do today as well but I think most are much better educated about how healthy it is to keep communication lines open and adoptions open in general. My kids pretty much tell me anything and everything when they have thoughts about their first families/adoptions etc. Both my girls (at this point) want to track down their first moms in the future and I'll do whatever is necessary to help them. With my oldest especially, who lived with her first mom for the first 5 yrs of her life, she has needed to get affirmation from me again and again that it's okay to love two moms and that I am strong engough to hear anything she needs to say.

mamapaints you sound like an amazing woman and mom. My mom had serious jealousy issues when we were younger. I don't fault her for it at all though. She was so afraid that bmoms would change their minds and come take us away. I don't want it sound like my mom was irrational or anything just didn't want to share. LOL. Now that we are older and my sister has found some amazing people with her birth family, my mom is much more at ease with the idea.

amberl10

My name is Amber and I'm a Mom to 2 precious little boys. My husband I tried to conceive for 3+ years. We went through IVF twice which failed. I never got a positive pg test so we gave up on having a biological child. We began the adoption process in September, 2006. We were approved in January 2007 and we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy on October 21, 2007. He was born October 20th so we met him at 1 day old and brought him home at 3 days old. The day we got the call about our son I had stayed home from church that day because I didn't feel well. I had cramping on and off and wasn't really sure what it was. Well when my son Isaac was 6 days old I figured out what that cramping was....I was pregnant!!!!! We were blessed with another beautiful boy. Our sons are 8 1/2 months apart and such a blessing. Isaac just turned 4 and Caleb was 3 in July.

I do have to say the first couple years were quite tough raising two little ones so close in age but it's been a true blessing. The boys are as different as night and day but the best of friends. God couldn't have painted our family picture a better way. We are contemplating #3 but we probably will try to conceive and won't go through adoption again.

The process was an amazing experience, but with the blessing Isaac has brought us we are reminded daily that his birthparents still feel that loss every single day. We have had a couple very short messages from his birthmom in the past 4 years but we get F.B. messages and emails from his bdad every couple of months.

Thanks for listening to my story.

_SusieQ_

My name is Amber and I'm a Mom to 2 precious little boys. My husband I tried to conceive for 3+ years. We went through IVF twice which failed. I never got a positive pg test so we gave up on having a biological child. We began the adoption process in September, 2006. We were approved in January 2007 and we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy on October 21, 2007. He was born October 20th so we met him at 1 day old and brought him home at 3 days old. The day we got the call about our son I had stayed home from church that day because I didn't feel well. I had cramping on and off and wasn't really sure what it was. Well when my son Isaac was 6 days old I figured out what that cramping was....I was pregnant!!!!! We were blessed with another beautiful boy. Our sons are 8 1/2 months apart and such a blessing. Isaac just turned 4 and Caleb was 3 in July.

I do have to say the first couple years were quite tough raising two little ones so close in age but it's been a true blessing. The boys are as different as night and day but the best of friends. God couldn't have painted our family picture a better way. We are contemplating #3 but we probably will try to conceive and won't go through adoption again.

The process was an amazing experience, but with the blessing Isaac has brought us we are reminded daily that his birthparents still feel that loss every single day. We have had a couple very short messages from his birthmom in the past 4 years but we get F.B. messages and emails from his bdad every couple of months.

Thanks for listening to my story.

Thanks Amber. You offer up a great perspective with your story!

Jairosmom

Hello all!! Thanks Holly (mamapaints) for inviting me to the group.

For those of you who don't know Holly in person, she's one of my closest friends, and yes...she's an awesome friend, woman, and mother.


Anyway, I'm Michelle...and I need to get my behind on here more often...hopefully this will be the encouragement I need to be more committed to a healthier lifestyle.

My husband and I have three children, all adopted. Jacob (10 years old) was adopted at 5 months old from Colombia. Sara (7 years old) was also adopted from Colombia, she was 10 weeks old. Tessa (2.5 years old) was adopted at 7 months from Taiwan.

Adoption made me a mother, and my kids are my everything. But, Holly and I share a similar perspective. Adoption comes with a huge amount of loss and grief. My middle daughter just told me last night that she misses her birthmom. More than anything in this world, I wish I could take the pain of loss away from my children (and their birthmothers too). My joy in being their mother is so often tempered by the loss I know their birthmothers must feel.


Thank you everyone, for sharing your stories. I love the diversity of experiences that are represented here.

velarneyraptor

Hello all!! Thanks Holly (mamapaints) for inviting me to the group.

For those of you who don't know Holly in person, she's one of my closest friends, and yes...she's an awesome friend, woman, and mother.


Anyway, I'm Michelle...and I need to get my behind on here more often...hopefully this will be the encouragement I need to be more committed to a healthier lifestyle.

My husband and I have three children, all adopted. Jacob (10 years old) was adopted at 5 months old from Colombia. Sara (7 years old) was also adopted from Colombia, she was 10 weeks old. Tessa (2.5 years old) was adopted at 7 months from Taiwan.

Adoption made me a mother, and my kids are my everything. But, Holly and I share a similar perspective. Adoption comes with a huge amount of loss and grief. My middle daughter just told me last night that she misses her birthmom. More than anything in this world, I wish I could take the pain of loss away from my children (and their birthmothers too). My joy in being their mother is so often tempered by the loss I know their birthmothers must feel.


Thank you everyone, for sharing your stories. I love the diversity of experiences that are represented here.

Hi there!!

Nice to meet you I noticed more people seem to be adopting from multiple countries these days rather than sticking with one - I think that's great I think the best thing about parents like you and Holly is that you're actively trying to help your kids come to terms with their grief - I know my parents tried their best, but I remember alot of tears and frustration, saying alot of mean things to my parents, etc (which I regret now, but when you're a frustrated, hurt kid, it's hard not to try and hurt someone else's feelings in the heat of the moment) I know they had a book about issues that kids go through at different ages - but like many parents, I think they struggled to balance hurt feelings of rejection by the child, feeling inadequate, not knowing how to help the child and it not really being a suitable topic of conversation with other family members who hadn't personally experienced raising adopted kids. Especially when the child isn't able to effectively voice the specific feelings of fear, rejection, anger, frustration, sadness. You know your parents are psychic but it hurts more when they just "don't get it" and can't magically figure out exactly what you're trying to convey

Enough of being Debbie Downer!! On the positive side - I am always humbled by adoptive parents... Hearing stories about how much they wanted kids, years of trying with no success... deciding on adoption, jumping through all the hoops, home visits, having your personal life and finances dissected, etc... really makes me realise how "lucky" (not always the best word when discussing adoption, but you know what I mean! The circumstances were bad but the outcome was the best it could have been, given the situation) us adopted kids are to have such dedicated parents who really wanted us

parys1

Wow. Hello. I didn't know about this group until I saw a notification from Susie about a thread. Pardon my garbled reply, but I am overwhelmed about this group.

My name is Colleen and I am an adoptee. I have a rather remarkable story (to me, at least). My parents, unable to have biological children, oh I forgot, aparents (I understand for the ease of clarity, but I'll be honest by saying it grates) first adopted my abrother (they brought him home on his first birthday), then adopted me (I believe I was around 3 weeks old). My abrother died of Ewing sarcoma at the age of 14 (I was 12). I have always known I was adopted. I have always felt loved and wanted.

In February 2007, I was found by my bfamily. My bmother's then fiance, conducted the search. Some time before this the adoption records in Alberta were opened unless you requested them to remain sealed. To continue, he found my folks (other name for aparents) and phoned them looking for me. He spoke with my mom and dad for a few hours before my bmom (Doris) spoke to mom. When this was happening, I along with my husband Bill and my kids were visiting my terminally ill FIL. Mom had left a message for me to call her back - it was a crazy conversation. She and dad told me about Doris.

Doris and my bfather (David) had me when she was 16 and he was 17 (I knew this from the records my mom had shown me). (I was the result of their celebration of her 16th birthday). They both wanted to keep me but were forced by their families to give me up (1970). Doris was in the hospital with me for an entire week. As a mother I cannot fathom the pain of this. David was treated as a pariah my the nursing staff and denied entry to visit.

David and Doris got married a couple of years later and had 3 more children. My full bsiblings. My mom had everyone's phone number from her conversation with Doris and gave them to me to call when and as I was ready. Man, it's been almost 5 years and it still makes my hands tremble. I was born in a local hospital, I have bgrandparents still living close by where I grew up and mom and dad still live. My bparents and bsiblings moved to Vancouver Island and most still live there - one of my bbrothers lives in Southern Alberta (I live more centrally).

I have been welcomed whole-heartedly by the bfam. Mom and Dad have met quite a few of them as well.
There is tons more to the story, but I'm not sure if I should put it here?

_SusieQ_

Ah, <<hugs>> Colleen, great story. (I know, I need to put another posting out on the boards about the group!)

You can tell as much or as little hear as you like, go to another thread or start your own.

I feel like there are some things that people who are not touched by adoption just cannot understand, so it's nice to have a place to share stories with others that have that connection.

velarneyraptor

I loved your stories Colleen and Amber. If there's one place you can share all you want, it's here I love hearing other people's stories. I have to be honest, until I joined this group, I heard very little about same-country adoptions. I only ever heard of one Aussie family who adopted an Aussie girl - a friend of mine in high school, her mum was adopted.

bt_13_21

Hello, I'm Lisa. So interesting to find this group, and see it contains people from all sides of the triad. I love that. And I see parts of our family's story reflected in yours. That's very cool. Thanks Crystal817 for the invite!

I really related to mamapaints description of adoption. It *is* beautiful and messy. I love my kids to the moon and back, and yet I remember that if my son and daughter's birthparents had been in a different position at the time of their birth, that they wouldn't be my kids at all! It's love and loss all tied up together.

We did try to have bio children before we adopted. I had had 4 m/c and 3 failed IVFs when we signed up to adopt from Guatemala. It was not a hard decision to adopt because it seems like it has always been part of our lives. I have cousins that were adopted (foster care), my husband's best friend was adopted (domestic infant), and I have 2 friends that were adopted (domestic infant and Korea).

We ATTACKED the paperwork and chose a "waiting" child from our agency's list the day we were paper ready! The most beautiful 3.5 mo old boy I had ever seen. The international adoption mamas probably know what happened next. Guatemala was going thru a rollercoaster. We were originally told we'd have our son home in 6-9 months, but allegations of corruption (never in our specific case) made Guatemalan adoptions shut down while we were in process. We didn't know if we'd ever get our son home, but fought as hard as we could to get him here.

About 7 months in, we went to Guatemala to visit our son. We couldn't take him home, just visit. While there I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time. I wasn't excited, I was sooo scared. After so many failures I just figured now I had twice as much to lose--the adoption and the pregnancy.

But somehow both chugged along. My bio son came first in Feb 08. Then our adopted son came along 7 weeks later in April 08. He was 20 mo old. So I went from 0 kids to two kids in 7 weeks! Like the pp said, it was really a struggle at first with two very needy babies (imagine my 20 mo old, who felt as if he was left with strangers and didn't even speak English!).

Somehow we not only survived, but thrived. In fact we were having so much fun being parents we decided to try for more. We couldn't adopt again so soon, so first we tried the old fashioned way. Many more miscarriages followed (I've had 11 total now). Then as soon as we were able, we applied to adopt a daughter from Korea. Thankfully it went much more smoothly this time! We went to Korea to get our daughter just this Jan (11).

I really think I have the best kids in the world. A 5 yo son from Guatemala. A 3.5 yo bio son. And a 1.5 yo daughter from Korea. After so much bad luck, I have been so lucky to have such an amazing family!

I think about my kids first parents often. We don't have any contact so far (we have some contact with my daughter's foster family, but that is all). I have thought a lot about doing a search in Guatemala for my oldest son's birthmom, or waiting for him to decide for himself. With our daughter, her adoption was just finalized in September, so I am preparing a package for her file in Korea. I can certainly understand why my children might want to meet them some day. I am curious too!

______________

A pp commented on families with kids from different countries: I know for us, the main reason we adopted from another country is b/c the country rules and procedures are always changing! The country may be closed down to international adoptions, or you may no longer qualify by the time you are ready to adopt another child.

lexgem

Hi, I'm Lex and my husband and I are waiting to adopt. We are about halfway through the homestudy process. I joined to read stories and hopefully one day add my own!

Lisa, my story so far sounds like yours, I have had 4 miscarriages.

Isrn2

I'm Carla and I'm adopted. My parents were fortunate enough to be able to adopt 4 children ... unheard of in the 60's!! We've all known we were adopted from the beginning. It's never been a big deal. Our parents made sure we knew how honored they were that our birth mothers trusted them to raise their children well ... and it's an obligation my parents took very seriously.

My youngest brother's birth family found him about 10 years ago. None of the rest of us have ever felt the need to find our birth parents. Like many, the birth records are sealed in California so even if we wanted to it would be very difficult to find out information. We do know that my parents have limited information somewhere in their house about our birth parents that we may find when they pass away and we go through all their files.

They did give all of us some information. All 4 of us children are half-Italian - all of us were born to unwed mothers. I even know my birth mothers maiden name. I also know that my birth father was the Italian half and was a musician. Both of those traits are represented very strongly in my life ... and it's nice to know where they come from.

I'm a firm believer in adoption. What a beautiful opportunity to put aside selfishness and do what is best for your child! I am forever grateful to my birth mother for that sacrifice.

Regmama

I was adopted at 9 days old. My aparents had one living child and one who died as a result of a miscarriage (I always count all life from conception). My mom was told she couldn't have any more children so when they were at mass one day and the priest asked couples to consider adoption because there were so many children in the diocese who needed to be adopted they were so excited since when they lived in Chicago there were waiting lists for couples to adopt.

My mom always told me I was adopted and how special I am. My dad never even mentioned the word "adopted" my whole life and still doesn't. My being adopted was public knowledge in my extended families, though my mom's side actually talked about it whereas my dad's didn't.

When I was 19 I thought I had found a lump in my breast. Since my adad's family has a strong history of aggressive breast cancer at a young age (I have two aunts who died from breast cancer in their 30s) I thought that I better start the search to know my medical history. So, I contacted Catholic Charities to see what I needed to do. When I hung up with them I asked my mom if she would write a letter giving her consent and make a copy of her license (which was what was required). My mom started to cry and said "I know." I was confused with that comment then she went on to tell me that she came across my original birth certificate when she was packing my dad's office when we moved back to Chicagoland area (I was about 3 at that time and my dad is an attorney and was friends with the attorney who handled my adoption). She had told her sister (my godmother) the name in case my mom were to die. THe name my mom told me was what she thought was my bmom's name but was actually my given name. I then decided not to do anything about it. About a year later I was at the library and there were people looking up long-lost friends and such, so I thought, hey why not give it a try.

So, I looked up the last name in the area where I was adopted and wrote down every number. And there was one name that was exactly the name my mom told me. So, I got home and called. It turned out to be my bgrandmother and that I had been named after her. My bmom was the only birth child of her parents, her other siblings were also adopted. I met my bom and bmom's family a few weeks after that. Then about 8 months later met my bdad and his parents. Turns out that my amom's brother (my uncle) and bdad had played golf together a few years prior to that meeting and that they have a mutual friend (hence the golf thing). Shortly after this meeting I had lost touch with bdad and his family.

Bmom's family has been in my life ever since though bmom and I don't really have a relationship (her life has been pretty unstable). Well, fast forward to my birthday back in March, my bmom's mother (my bgrandmother) died on my birthday. I could not make it down to the wake or funeral, but bdad and his mom saw the obit in the paper and saw that I was listed as the oldest grandchild and so went to the wake in hopes that I would be there. I wasn't but bmom gave him my number. Bdad and I and his family are very similar (one of my cousin's and I look like twins). We have been involved in each other's lives ever since. I really feel welcomed. It's nice to know where I get certain things from.

But, I have the most complicated family situation out of everyone I know. My aparents are divorced and remarried and well I know my bparents. When people ask about my siblings and I begin to tell them, by the end their eyes glaze over it's so much.