Selfish? Hate Kids?

Qarol

No and No. These are just a couple of common responses to our decision.

How is it selfish, if I know I do not want children of my own, to then not have them? Wouldn't having them in that scenario be the selfish behavior?

And I love SOME kids. I used to babysit a lot in high school and college and even after for one family. Quite often. I felt very close to these kids. I took a minivan piled with kids to the neighborhood pool. I'd take them to movies. I even would help out families while the mom did other things around the house. (I went to church with a lot of large families.) It was not just some late Saturday night, where the kids were already bathed and fed by the time I arrived, and I just sat on the couch watching TV until the parents came home. (Although, that was fun, too!)

And don't get me started on how adorable my nieces and nephews are!

But I lack tolerance and patience for the children who run wild in public, grown up places. And the parents who allow it. The sun does not shine out of your child's behind. Only you think his antics are cute. No one else does.

What are some of the other responses you've received when you talk of your decision not to have children? There are so many...

_SusieQ_

"But you would make such a great mom" That's the #1 response I get when asked if I have kids.
Really, how do you KNOW I would? I LOVE my nieces and nephews. I spend more time with them than their dad does, and probably spend more money on them than both of their parents. They are the center of my world. HOWEVER, if I had to have them 24/7 it's a strong possibility one or more of them would not make it out alive.

I suppose I am a little selfish b/c I like my life the way it is and don't want the responsibility of raising a child to adulthood and unleashing them on the world. My greatest fear would be that I would do everything "right", guide them in a way to make them respectable members of society, then they take a turn and end up wreaking havoc on the world. I just don't want the pressure or the responsibility. So I suppose if that is termed as selfish, then I will own it.

I like MY kids, and by MY kids I mean my nieces/nephews, best friend's kids, but other kids in general I don't often have patience for.

Contrarian

Some kids are excellent. Some kids are *kitten*. They are an awful lot like people.

No one really asks me why. I actually wanted a child, but it just didn't happen because my ex-husband decided he didn't want kids. I just got to the point where it was kind of too late, because I didn't want to be retiring and still have a child living at home.

_SusieQ_

When I was younger I always thought I wanted kids. But then my sister started having them at 18 (I am 7 years older than her). It was difficult on my parents who were basically supporting her and her kids, so I stepped in. I have kept these kids (there are now 3 with another on the way) for weekends, holidays, etc since birth. There came a point when I realized that THEY needed me more than I needed one of my own. Then I realized I liked having the option of parenting with them without the every day responsibilities. It's the best of both worlds for me.

ChitownFoodie

I have heard everything! People constantly ask me why I don't have them, but there have been some gem questions or comments that have been directed towards me -

Are you too sick to have kids?
Aren't you Catholic? Isn't having a lot of kids the Catholic thing to do?
You are missing something in your life because you will never know true happiness until you see your child for the first time.


My parents once tried to coerce me into having kids by offering to buy me a house and pay my bills!!!!

chocolateandvodka

I am selfish. I'll be the first to admit it.

But no, vanity had no bearing in my decision. It's just something I've decided is not for me. I was born without a maternal instinct. Why would I bring children in the world for reasons other than wanting to?

Nah, I don't hate kids. I'm just allergic to the little buggers.

mckshowie

I keep getting told I'll change my mind. Let's be honest here people - I'm pushing 30 and I still don't feel the "mom-gene" kicking in. My future sister-in-law just had my first niece YESTERDAY and in my encounters and holding her not once did I think "ooooh, I want one!"

I just don't want them. And I think that's fair. There are plenty of people who do and there is no reason for me to cause over population because someone else told me I "should".

My nieces and nephews are going to be spoiled. My best friends kids are more loved than they will ever know. But at the end of the day, they go home and I sit happy with my pets.

I will babysit and watch and help shape and mold my favorite rugrats into real people and contributing members of society... but from a distance.

melsinct

How is it selfish, if I know I do not want children of my own, to then not have them? Wouldn't having them in that scenario be the selfish behavior?

Ha! I never understood this either. So I am selfish for not wanting children...are these people saying the alternative that would make them happier is I should have a child I have no desire to raise? :huh:

Whenever people ask me "when are you going to have children?" and I respond "never" I always have to go into defense mode. No, I don't hate babies. No, I am not selfish, I am just well aware of what I do and don't want. No, my life isn't any less fulfilling than yours just because I choose not to procreate. I have to explain I have many children in my life I love to death (many nieces, nephews, and friend's children) but I have no interest in raising one myself. I think people who have or want children just can't wrap their head around the fact that someone could choose NOT to have a child.

I am now 35, so the questioning has lessened over the years as people have finally realized that yes, I was serious about not wanting kids and no, it's not going to happen. At least the cries of "You'll change your mind!" have pretty much stopped!

Contrarian

There are already too many people in the world, anyway. I sometimes think that not having children is one of the most environmentally-friendly things a person can do. Some people should have children, don't get me wrong, but not everyone. There are 7 billion of us.

_SusieQ_

You are missing something in your life because you will never know true happiness until you see your child for the first time.

Oh yes, THIS^^^^. This one infuriates me to no end.

Qarol

I was kind of snarky to my MIL once, when I told her we had decided not to have children. I'm not one to spare anyone's feelings, especially their feelings, just because they want more grandchildren. I didn't spare my own mother's feelings. I'm certainly not going to spare my husband's mother.

She said, "But W loves babies!" I couldn't help myself. I pointed to the living room where he sat and asked, "That W? My husband? Is that the one you speak of? The one who's NEVER changed a diaper? Really?"

She didn't say much after that.

anewattitude

I have never wanted kids. My mom has never given me a hard time about it but my sister who would LOVE to someday have kids and be a Stay-at-home mom doesn't get how I don't want them. My fiance's nephew is cute but I think he was spawn by the devil sometimes and I don't think I could have the patience to deal with that! I think I would make an awesome aunt... I could spoil them, play with them, babysit them and.... wait for it..... BRING THEM BACK TO THEIR HOME!! I know not all kids are bad and I certainly don't hate them however I want the freedom to come and go as I please, to travel and what not. I know that might make me sound selfish but I would rather know from the start that I don't want children rather than find out after its too late.

My fiance and I have talked about it and he gets his "fill" from his nephews and I will enjoy and love being an aunt someday to my own neices/nephews!

_SusieQ_

I have a pretty tight knit group of 4 friends that I have known for 20+ years. Out of the 5 of us 3 are childless. That is not something you would have seen decades ago. And of the 2 who have children, one is very much a "mommy", as in her children are her life. The other loves her kids, but also knows that she needs a life outside of them. This one is my best friend. :happy:

charityateet

My mother in law told me years ago that I was selfish for not wanting to have her son's babies. She has 7 kids......they grew up pretty poor, it was all I could do to bite my tongue and not tell her that in fact, SHE was the selfish one.

When I got together with my husband we were very young, I was 17 almost 18yo. I am the 2nd oldest of 5 kids......my second youngest sister was born when I was 9 and my youngest when I was 13. Meaning.....from the time I was 9 years old, I lost my childhood. Yes - mom and dad helped and were the main parents, but I was the built in babysitter - I fed, bathed, potty trained, dressed and helped teach my sister(s) for a good 5 years.

I knew what birth control was - and for sure practiced it my teen years. When my husband and I got together - we both decided that we didn't ever want kids, but if either of us changed our minds we would discuss it when or if that happened. There has been a time or 2 that I thought my life would be more "complete" with kids - but the thought pretty much leaves as fast as it enters my head. It's not that I don't like kids, we have 23 nieces and nephews between us - it's just that in a way I *am* selfish. I like my me time, I like my me and husband time, I like coming and going as I please.......

I am 34 years old - and when people ask if I'm ever having kids and I say no, they say - well, you are still young enough that when you change your mind you will be able to have them. WTF do you not get about the fact that I am never going to have them? Do you really think I feel "left out" for not having any kids? Is it that becuase you are miserable you think I should be too? Why pitty me? I don't really pitty you - It's just my choice to not have children - and no, after 16 years of being with my husband - I'm pretty sure we won't "change our minds".

Qarol

Oh, don't get me started about being the built-in babysitter. I was 9 when my younger brother was born. My dad did absolutely nothing. So when mom was out of the house, it was all on me. grrrrrrr

FearAnLoathing

I have kids,but am jumping in for a minute.
I find it compleatly ridiculous that when the worlds polulation is out of control people would get down on someone for NOT having kids.

anewattitude

I have kids,but am jumping in for a minute.
I find it compleatly ridiculous that when the worlds polulation is out of control people would get down on someone for NOT having kids.

Very good point!!

charityateet

I have kids,but am jumping in for a minute.
I find it compleatly ridiculous that when the worlds polulation is out of control people would get down on someone for NOT having kids.

Very good point!!

That's another thing for sure! I get told all the time that my husband and I would make such cute kids and that we would be such great parents - I come back with, if I EVER get the urge to have a child of my own, I'll adopt - there are PLENTY of children out there that are abused, neglected and not taken care of that can be adopted as opposed to adding one more to the world.

ChitownFoodie

You are missing something in your life because you will never know true happiness until you see your child for the first time.

Oh yes, THIS^^^^. This one infuriates me to no end.

I hear this one from my coworkers, my family and even people that I barely know that just had a child. I get so angry when people say this to me. I feel like telling them, "It's not my fault that you were lonely and missing something in your life! I feel bad for your child because she/he is just going to resent you when they get older!"

_SusieQ_

I have kids,but am jumping in for a minute.
I find it compleatly ridiculous that when the worlds polulation is out of control people would get down on someone for NOT having kids.

It's a terrible thing to admit, but I sometimes feel shamed. I have gotten better now that I'm older, but in the past when someone would ask if I had children, I felt almost embarrassed to say no. Like I was doing something wrong or bad by choosing not to pro-create.

Hellbent_Heidi

OMG..I'm so with you all. Its SO much more selfish to have kids for the wrong reasons, than to choose not to in the first place.

I know way too many people with kids they really can't afford to take care of, aren't all that interested in, and who are constantly dumping them off on others so they can travel or go out drinking 3-4 times a month.

OH..and to cat77cl - I am 41 and still get the, 'oh, you'll change your mind" comments. Last time someone said that, I just looked at them and said "that ship has sailed honey"

SiltyPigeon

I have 2 kids..... but totally respect people who don't have any. In fact, I wish a lot less people would have kids because where I absolutely love my two girls with all my heart... I hate pretty much hate everyone else's kids.

Kids are HUGE responsibility. Not like a puppy. You actually have to prepare them for life... and not just for life when they grow up, but for life everyday. Most "parents" today haven't realized this. You actually need to RAISE your children.

So for those of you who know yourself enough to know that you are not responsible/ready to have children and CHOOSE not to....
THANK YOU!!!!

SiltyPigeon

Oh.... and no. You will never know "true" love until you see your child for the very first time. But that "true" love is a biological flood of opium-like hormones and only lasts for about 1/2 an hour. It's the next 17 years, 364 days, 23 hours, and 30 minutes that really count.

Hellbent_Heidi

One of the better comments we got was this...

We were were engaged and it was maybe a month or two before our wedding. We were at a party at my friend's house and this guy (my girlfriend's former neighbor - someone I had met, but can't say I really knew) was there with his wife and two sons. So, he's over talking to us with his wife and kids out of earshot and said "I heard you guys are getting married", we said yes, and then he asked if we were planning kids. We both said "Oh no" in stereo, and he looked at us, checked behind him and said "You two are smart...I'm not sure I'd have done it if I knew what it would really be like"...LOL!

We believe that might be the only truly honest response we've gotten. Sometimes I believe more people don't find child rearing to be 'the most rewarding thing ever', but would never, never admit it!

charityateet

OMG..I'm so with you all. Its SO much more selfish to have kids for the wrong reasons, than to choose not to in the first place.

I know way too many people with kids they really can't afford to take care of, aren't all that interested in, and who are constantly dumping them off on others so they can travel or go out drinking 3-4 times a month.

OH..and to cat77cl - I am 41 and still get the, 'oh, you'll change your mind" comments. Last time someone said that, I just looked at them and said "that ship has sailed honey"

This!

And, kinda mean - but once there was this really nosey lady that I used to work with like 15 years ago and we met at the store - she looked me up and down and said "no kids yet eh??" and I said (with a really sad look and downward eyes "no, Russ and I can't have any"..........she said "oh my, I'm so sorry" I said - "I'm not, we are perfectly happy"

I know it was kind of rude, but honestly how rude is it that people think it's just FINE to ask about my personal decisions when they don't even know me or anything about me?? I mean, it is MY choice right? Holy hell!

Kimdbro

People make the assumption that you need, want, desire children.... and for the life of me I can't figure out why. Anyone I meet with children are generally miserable, have no social life and are desperately trying to find someone to take their kids. I can't stand the sound of a screaming child in a store or worse a restraunt - so why would I put one in my living room?? I'm 36 years old, married for the second time, just had our first anniversary (he's 5 years younger) and people were all over us to start having kids. I'm sorry.... I'm 36!!! Don't you think I would have gotten that out of the way by now?? And I rather like having money, nice furniture, sleep, and the ability to drop everything and go where I want when I want. Yes, I am selfish and it's wonderful. LOL.

Kimdbro

You are missing something in your life because you will never know true happiness until you see your child for the first time.

Oh yes, THIS^^^^. This one infuriates me to no end.

^^ Totally agree, and what is with everyone trying to make us believe that life is incomplete until you're "happy" like them??? I didn't have to clean poop off the wall this morning, lose 8 hours of sleep changing blankets, puke pots, and diapers...... but whatever makes you "happy" suckkka

jackpotclown

Awesome, I get to be the first guy to respond to this.....Personally, I can't stand it either. I've heard it all before as well...."oh, your fatherly instincts will kick in"....really, am I a dog? Truth is that I do have a son, he's 15 years old, and lives with his mother.....way too young to have kids.....total disaster of a situation, to put it mildly, but regardless.....I'm glad he's here, but I wish it wasn't with her....but all that aside, I never really wanted children either. I used to think that it was expected, traditional, and eventually I'd grow out of my so called selfish phase. I didn't think I was being selfish....I was told. Anyway, now that I'm married, I still have no real desire to have children.....have taken steps to ensure that it doesn't happen. This topic comes up between us every now and then, though she understands why I don't want them. It's not like I hate kids either. I've dated women with kids, love my nephews and niece dearly, and even have friends' kids that I call nephews as well. It's so easy to say "oh well it's because you're a guy", but I don't think that is the case.

live2dream

I totally agree with all this. Most of the time, NOT having kids is the most unselfish thing to do. I don't get why any one would think it was selfish to not have kids. And usually the people who say that are the ones that can barely support their kids and they are all struggling. I grew up poor- just my sister and I, and it was a rough childhood. So I always thought if I do have kids, I would make sure I could provide for them. Most people don't care- they just have kids without regards to how they are going to give them a decent life.

I always get asked 'WHEN are you having kids' not ARE YOU. Which is annoying. And for years, I said 'maybe someday'. Now that I'm 30, it's more like 'maybe never'.

morganhccstudent724

I am selfish. Having a dog is seriously a stretch for me. I hate that I can't just go. I helped my sister raise my neice and nephew while my BIL was overseas. It is a TON of work. And I just don't want to do it right now. And maybe not ever....

This was my favorite thing about having my neice around. We would go out together and people make small talk. This conversation would happen in some variation....

Random person: Your children are so cute.
Me: They are my sister's.
Random person: You are so good with them.
Me: Thanks
Random person: Do you have children?
My neice: Yep...Me and Gavin. We are all the kids she needs....

She is a real gem

Hellbent_Heidi

How about this one: "Who is going to take care of you when you get old?"

As if you can count on that to happen? You can do everything right, and your kids can still end up totally screwed up, or (God forbid), you could outlive them, or they might not be able to afford to take care of you some day...(among the many things that could happen).

and, how is having kids so they'll take care of you when you're old not selfish?