Is he coming on too strong??
Options
Replies
-
There is a reason he has never been married, good or bad who knows which.
Wow, judgemental much?
How so? Theres a reason for the way people are, how they act, because of how they were brought up and experiences they have gone through. For me personally I don't trust anymore, will I change back into a trusting person who knows. To have an opinion is to judge? I said good or bad theres a reason, god or bad is not judging. Do you falsely accuse someone of judging much?
Well, it sounded as though you were saying the OP should not date the guy because he's never been married. By that logic, you are also saying there is something wrong with every single person who has never been married. That sounds like judging a large percentage of those of us on here - don't forget you are on a singles thread!
Yeah you right, it did sound that way and I should have worded it differently.
I appreciate your response to that.0 -
Personally trust your gut. The gut feelings are never wrong. If your gut is unsure it is truely a waste of time because nothing positive will evolve.0
-
I am torn...but...does anyone think it's dumb if I DO choose to at least meet for coffee and see what vibe I get in person??? Or has he already crossed into creepy territory? I hate to write the guy off, I am just feeling a little smothered and conflicted.
I don't think you're dumb, I've been in exactly the same position that you are in now and I met the guy twice. Things did get a lot worse and I was so annoyed with myself because all the signs were there. I knew it was heading that way, but because I wasn't certain, I kept feeling had to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was wrong, it would have been fairer not to give him false hope in the first place. Not finding someone compatible isn't a rejection of them as a person but it often feels like it is. The more you know of someone (eg. having met them as oposed to having called/texted) the more damning it feels. That's why it's always better to do it as soon as you have strong doubts. Be honest, if you could wave a magic wand and make the situation go away, would you? Do you actually want to meet him, or are you thinking you need to be sure before you can justify writing him off?
Re the boundaries thing: think of a child. They have no concept of where they end and you begin. If they want something, they take it or demand it. They can not see things from someone else's perspective. Learning to relate to others in a way which we would like to be treated is only possible when we can put ourselves in another's shoes and imagine how they are feeling.
From memory here are a few of the things that bothered you: calling/texting repeatedly (presumably before you have had chance to reply), asking you questions in such a way that you feel interrogated, asking what you are wearing and commenting that guys will think you look sexy, pushing you to meet when you are not ready, asking what you will be talking about with your girlfriends, inviting himself to meet you for the first time in your home and asking to meet you on a day when he knows you've made other plans. I agree with you that there would be nothing wrong with what he has said, if it was said in a different context, if he knew you better. But what do you make of the fact that he is like this when he hardly knows you?
I'm making some assumptions based on experience. He either has no idea that the above is inappropriate and may unsettle you (most likely) or he realises it but doesn't care (unlikely but as this is anti social I would avoid just in case on the grounds of safety). Either way I suspect he is creating a false sense of intimacy in his mind in which he feels it's OK for him to project his needs. The reason he is better on the phone may not just be because of the medium, it's because you are there to remind him that the reality of the situation is not quite as he wishes it to be. It's all about him, there is little genuine interest in your personality despte all the questions. That's why it feels off. He is very keen to connect, but doesn't really get what it's all about. Most likely he doesn't have great social skills and may also have some emotional vulnerabilies that affect the way he views others in relation to himself and limits his ability to empathise. He may be a very nice, caring and special person despite these difficulties. Your reluctance to "write him off" and the fact that you see other more positive aspects of his personality would tend to support this.
Relationships with people who have boundary issues are hard work, for both parties. If you meet him, please do so because you want to find out more about him and are excited about the prospects of things developing, rather than because you are reluctant to hurt him. Again, it's worth being aware that feeling a sense of responsibility for someone else this early on in a relationship is another sign of problems as he may be projecting that responsibility onto you. A good question to ask yourself is Have you felt this conflicted about turning down other guys in the past? If not why not?0 -
I am torn...but...does anyone think it's dumb if I DO choose to at least meet for coffee and see what vibe I get in person??? Or has he already crossed into creepy territory? I hate to write the guy off, I am just feeling a little smothered and conflicted.
I don't think you're dumb, I've been in exactly the same position that you are in now and I met the guy twice. Things did get a lot worse and I was so annoyed with myself because all the signs were there. I knew it was heading that way, but because I wasn't certain, I kept feeling had to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was wrong, it would have been fairer not to give him false hope in the first place. Not finding someone compatible isn't a rejection of them as a person but it often feels like it is. The more you know of someone (eg. having met them as oposed to having called/texted) the more damning it feels. That's why it's always better to do it as soon as you have strong doubts. Be honest, if you could wave a magic wand and make the situation go away, would you? Do you actually want to meet him, or are you thinking you need to be sure before you can justify writing him off?
Re the boundaries thing: think of a child. They have no concept of where they end and you begin. If they want something, they take it or demand it. They can not see things from someone else's perspective. Learning to relate to others in a way which we would like to be treated is only possible when we can put ourselves in another's shoes and imagine how they are feeling.
From memory here are a few of the things that bothered you: calling/texting repeatedly (presumably before you have had chance to reply), asking you questions in such a way that you feel interrogated, asking what you are wearing and commenting that guys will think you look sexy, pushing you to meet when you are not ready, asking what you will be talking about with your girlfriends, inviting himself to meet you for the first time in your home and asking to meet you on a day when he knows you've made other plans. I agree with you that there would be nothing wrong with what he has said, if it was said in a different context, if he knew you better. But what do you make of the fact that he is like this when he hardly knows you?
I'm making some assumptions based on experience. He either has no idea that the above is inappropriate and may unsettle you (most likely) or he realises it but doesn't care (unlikely but as this is anti social I would avoid just in case on the grounds of safety). Either way I suspect he is creating a false sense of intimacy in his mind in which he feels it's OK for him to project his needs. The reason he is better on the phone may not just be because of the medium, it's because you are there to remind him that the reality of the situation is not quite as he wishes it to be. It's all about him, there is little genuine interest in your personality despte all the questions. That's why it feels off. He is very keen to connect, but doesn't really get what it's all about. Most likely he doesn't have great social skills and may also have some emotional vulnerabilies that affect the way he views others in relation to himself and limits his ability to empathise. He may be a very nice, caring and special person despite these difficulties. Your reluctance to "write him off" and the fact that you see other more positive aspects of his personality would tend to support this.
Relationships with people who have boundary issues are hard work, for both parties. If you meet him, please do so because you want to find out more about him and are excited about the prospects of things developing, rather than because you are reluctant to hurt him. Again, it's worth being aware that feeling a sense of responsibility for someone else this early on in a relationship is another sign of problems as he may be projecting that responsibility onto you. A good question to ask yourself is Have you felt this conflicted about turning down other guys in the past? If not why not?
Thank you for the insightful and thoughtful response!! I agree with everything you had to say. I am not sure that I feel that I HAVE to meet him at this point, and I know he is looking forward to it a lot more than I am. His texts have backed off significantly, but I got one tonight asking me if I'd be free for breakfast or lunch tomorrow. I replied that I thought he'd told me he was going away for the weekend, and he said that he was but he'd go later in the afternoon if I wanted to meet up. Well, I already have my weekend pretty filled up, and I won't feel guilty for that especially since he never mentioned being free, but he acted a little bit put-off when I said I wasn't free in the morning....I think you're right, he could be a really nice guy, but there are definitely some boundary issues that I think could get tiresome if a relationship were to develop out of this. I feel like I'd have to explain my every move, and I have a feeling my nights with the girls would be scrutinized to death. I don't want him feeling like he can come sit at my bar and watch me all night to make sure I don't flirt with other men, but I can almost sort of see this happening. I've had boyfriends visit me at work from time to time, but I feel like this would be different. Part of me does want to meet in person, maybe it will reinforce some of the thoughts I have been having. It's not that I don't want to turn him down, it's just that I am not 100% sure how I feel. It wouldn't hurt anything to meet him for coffee I suppose. I am pretty keen on people when I meet them, so I think I'd be able to get a pretty good read if we were to talk for an hour or two....
I really appreciate everyone's feedback on this. Ultimately, I haven't committed to anything and I don't owe him anything, but I'm the type of person who does like to give people the benefit of the doubt. I just don't like that I have so many little doubts before even meeting. Maybe he is just over-eager, I don't know. It's funny how much of a double standard there seems to be in dating - if a woman were to come on as strong as this guy is, the guy would have run for the hills days ago!!!0 -
I would run a mile. Total internet freak!!
Never, ever meet anyone that you dont feel 100% comfortable with. Your gut instincts are always right.
:flowerforyou:
Yeah that! ^0 -
If a guy texts me all the time and it starts to aggravate me or put me off, I attribute it to my not being very romantically attracted to him. Here's why:
Guy texts me good morning for the first time. My eyes roll into the back of my head and I never speak to him again.
Guy Im INTO texts me good morning for the first time. I pretty much want to roll over and daydream through the happiest smile ever on my face. Or possibly *kitten*. Depends on what kind of good morning he sent me.
The only difference... one of them - I WANTED to text me.
If I consider a guy to be too clingy, it simply means he is more into me than I am into him.
Also I try to remember- when I first start talking to a guy- every text msg counts as 5, so use them sparingly- dont text them all day long- they have grownup stuff to tend to. And I should too.
Although my problem is pretty much the opposite. I like to text them about every two weeks :-/0 -
There is a reason he has never been married, good or bad who knows which.
Maybe he refuses to settle.0 -
How is that judgmental... to say someone may have a good reason to not get married????0
