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"You're too amazing" is the new "It's not you, it's me"
Replies
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Re-scheduling is an indicator of low interest level. Any time a woman re-schedules on me, it is perceived negatively. You wouldn't re-schedule on Brad Pitt or any guy equally hot because you had a bad day.
You’re right about rescheduling usually=low interest level, though, I would reschedule a date with a hot guy if I had a really bad day because I would likely make a horrible impression on him (ask me how I know!). But if I were in a relationship, he’d be the first one I run to.
So what’s the right way to cancel if you really like the guy? I’ve had to canx when my babysitting plans fell through at the last minute.0 -
Does this couple of months thing start to include where you or anyone is actively participating in the asking,planning,contributing to things or is it a standoffish zero or not much more then that ride?
I would hope so. If I like someone, part of getting to know them is incorporating them into my life, my friends, my events, my plans. How do they react to what *I* want to do if they don’t naturally tend toward the same things? Usually if I really like a guy after a couple of dates I will get tickets to a game (hockey, football, baseball) or a concert.0 -
But, lest anyone be confused, that's not dinner lol!
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I'm not expecting him to totally blow my mind. I don't know what I expect. My mom (who sometimes has decent advice) told me that if he wanted to stop seeing me and I really liked him. How I would be disappointed because I know the 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me. So I need to give him a chance and make this a date where we can ask honest questions and have some more adult conversation. I had a horrible day yesterday so we rescheduled to tonight. I'm just wanting a quiet place to eat or sit on a patio and have a drink. Not the loud bar and comedy club scene we had for the 1st two dates. But like I said if I don't see it going any further after this I am going to plainly tell him I'm sorry but it's not going to work.
And on a side note: I think its hilarious that all the men on POF say their ideal first date would be "somewhere quiet where we can talk and get to know one another" and yet the 2 guys I have met picked really loud bars and several others that have requested meeting up have suggested sports bars. SMH
1. Re-scheduling is an indicator of low interest level. Any time a woman re-schedules on me, it is perceived negatively. You wouldn't re-schedule on Brad Pitt or any guy equally hot because you had a bad day. In fact, you'd want to this hot guy if you had a bad day to make your day better. 99% of female initiated cancellations are due to low interest.
2. Loud bars or comedy clubs usually are not good showcases of personality. And since you live in Dallas, I am pretty sure that I know which comedy club you were at (there are not many of them here either). I went to one of Dallas' most well known/attended comedy clubs with a Meetup group and one of my thoughts during the night was that it would make for a lousy date. The lines before the show were long and slow and the seating was crowded and uncomfortable.
3. You need to hold their feet to the fire on meeting places. If they talk about quiet places, make sure they suggest a get together at a quieter place.
4. Focus on offline dating.
In response to #1: I have honestly had a horrible day and could not pull myself together enough to be a decent date and get to know a person. I have cancelled because of this, and yes, many people have days where nothing is going right and the only thing they can focus on is going home and destressing. A first date is stressful enough without the added bad mood, I don't care how attractive a person is or how interested I am.
And honestly, I have had a person continue with the date when he was having issues with his ex and it put a major damper on the entire thing. First dates should be where you focus on the person and try to enjoy them, if you're a mess, you should be allowed to reschedule without feeling like a jerk.
Just my two cents.
Bikini27-I empathize with what you are saying. I see sense it in. First dates aren't the easiest, particularly if they are online initiated. And yes, you should be allowed to re-schedule without feeling like a jerk. You control the way you feel. If re-scheduling makes you feel better, then you feel better. But guys are usually skeptical of those who re-schedule for good reason.
Context matters. JGT cancelled a 3rd date last night. A 3rd date should have a different feeling than a first date. I would be less skeptical about the cancellation of a 3rd date if the first two dates were high quality. And in JGT's case, there were two not so high quality dates.
If someone cancels a first date on me, the onus on them to do the re-scheduling. I won't initiate any contact with them and also the standards go up. They have to impress me even more than on a first date without the cancellation. Usually a female initiated cancellation plays out something like this....
1. They cancel
2. I never hear from them again and no re-schedule ever occurs
The amount of emergencies and actual times where a cancellation needs to occur are few and far between.
Cancellation = Low Interest.0 -
Re-scheduling is an indicator of low interest level. Any time a woman re-schedules on me, it is perceived negatively. You wouldn't re-schedule on Brad Pitt or any guy equally hot because you had a bad day.
You’re right about rescheduling usually=low interest level, though, I would reschedule a date with a hot guy if I had a really bad day because I would likely make a horrible impression on him (ask me how I know!). But if I were in a relationship, he’d be the first one I run to.
So what’s the right way to cancel if you really like the guy? I’ve had to canx when my babysitting plans fell through at the last minute.
I'm honest, and follow up the news of cancelling with a reschedule.
If he doesn't bite, then most likely he doesn't understand that you're being honest and it wouldn't have worked out.
Now, if this is your second or third cancel of the first date? You may wanna rethink where you stand in the dating pool and if maybe your life is too hectic. I did this to a potential and I pulled out of the dating pool after realizing I was just not 100% into it. Sometimes we just need a break!0 -
I'm a really nice guy, want to go to dinner? lol*Attraction. Yes, the person within is what matters, because no matter how lickable the man if he's a jerk, I'm out.0 -
Bikini27-I empathize with what you are saying. I see sense it in. First dates aren't the easiest, particularly if they are online initiated. And yes, you should be allowed to re-schedule without feeling like a jerk. You control the way you feel. If re-scheduling makes you feel better, then you feel better. But guys are usually skeptical of those who re-schedule for good reason.
Context matters. JGT cancelled a 3rd date last night. A 3rd date should have a different feeling than a first date. I would be less skeptical about the cancellation of a 3rd date if the first two dates were high quality. And in JGT's case, there were two not so high quality dates.
If someone cancels a first date on me, the onus on them to do the re-scheduling. I won't initiate any contact with them and also the standards go up. They have to impress me even more than on a first date without the cancellation. Usually a female initiated cancellation plays out something like this....
1. They cancel
2. I never hear from them again and no re-schedule ever occurs
The amount of emergencies and actual times where a cancellation needs to occur are few and far between.
Cancellation = Low Interest.
Ok, zeroing in on if they cancel on the first date with an honest explanation and you then going on to not initiate contact with them...
If, prior to the cancellation, you have sent a text in the morning to say hello and following the cancellation you do not do this, I would take this that *you* are not interested and I will not further attempt to contact you. The quick switch may lead to your "1. They cancel 2. I never hear from them again and no re-schedule ever occurs."
I get that they have to bring their A-Game should the first date happen, as most of us attempt to on a first date. But the cold shoulder may be a bit extreme. The first few connections before the Date are the biggest indicators of what we can expect, and switching off the "warm" switch automatically may be sending up a flag in the woman's mind that perhaps you won't be the sensitive and intelligent person that you portray otherwise. (Going off of what I have seen on the forums, naturally).
So long as you don't shut down at them being human and cancelling for whatever reason, there is a better chance that they will put that offer out and that first date will actually happen. Now, if life intervenes again and they must cancel again, I would go from there and say they aren't interested or they are a flake.
Just giving you another angle of it. :flowerforyou:0 -
Ok, zeroing in on if they cancel on the first date with an honest explanation and you then going on to not initiate contact with them...
If, prior to the cancellation, you have sent a text in the morning to say hello and following the cancellation you do not do this, I would take this that *you* are not interested and I will not further attempt to contact you. The quick switch may lead to your "1. They cancel 2. I never hear from them again and no re-schedule ever occurs."
I get that they have to bring their A-Game should the first date happen, as most of us attempt to on a first date. But the cold shoulder may be a bit extreme. The first few connections before the Date are the biggest indicators of what we can expect, and switching off the "warm" switch automatically may be sending up a flag in the woman's mind that perhaps you won't be the sensitive and intelligent person that you portray otherwise. (Going off of what I have seen on the forums, naturally).
So long as you don't shut down at them being human and cancelling for whatever reason, there is a better chance that they will put that offer out and that first date will actually happen. Now, if life intervenes again and they must cancel again, I would go from there and say they aren't interested or they are a flake.
Just giving you another angle of it. :flowerforyou:
Hey, thanks for the flower and explanation. :blushing:
Most cancellations that I have seen over time are given over text message and done with little explanation. I'm not inclined to go into a texting marathon over the reason with someone who has cancelled on me. I'm also usually not the kind of person to text a hello over. When I send a text message, there's a practical purpose. If this makes me sound cold and distant, that's far from the case. I use voice based communications (in person and over the phone) to transmit feeling and build relational context. Both a phone conversation and in person interactions are better tools for relational development than the text message.
As the text message has become more ingrained as a communication, I have found that I've need to explain my philosophy on the purpose of the text message. 3-5 years ago, I didn't need to explain text messages. I really want to set clear expectations.
Have I ever switched off the "warm" button? I'm sure it has happened, but I like to think I'm not the type of person who would switch off a "warm" button unless it is warranted. I try my best to be fair and reasonable.0 -
Hey, thanks for the flower and explanation. :blushing:
Most cancellations that I have seen over time are given over text message and done with little explanation. I'm not inclined to go into a texting marathon over the reason with someone who has cancelled on me. I'm also usually not the kind of person to text a hello over. When I send a text message, there's a practical purpose. If this makes me sound cold and distant, that's far from the case. I use voice based communications (in person and over the phone) to transmit feeling and build relational context. Both a phone conversation and in person interactions are better tools for relational development than the text message.
As the text message has become more ingrained as a communication, I have found that I've need to explain my philosophy on the purpose of the text message. 3-5 years ago, I didn't need to explain text messages. I really want to set clear expectations.
Have I ever switched off the "warm" button? I'm sure it has happened, but I like to think I'm not the type of person who would switch off a "warm" button unless it is warranted. I try my best to be fair and reasonable.
I dated a gentleman with a similar philsophy and it is a rare thing to come across.
I text because, honestly, when I am on the phone I like to focus on the voice on the other end which means I'm needing to set out a block of time for that exclusively. Texting allows me to wash dishes and share the highlights of the day. Also, I am one of those "Good morning" texters because I was thinking of the person and what better way to express that (and possibly make them smile) than to say so?
Again, we all have different approaches to dating. But, as I believe was stated before, what worked 5 years ago isn't going to work the same way now. Treat it as you would a business, you wouldn't use a fax when an email is far more reliable form of communication. Some things, like opening the door for the lady, allowing her to order first, and being the man you are: always are going to work. Some other things? Little tweaks to how you approach dating? May reward you.
Just trying to help. I gather you've been pretty frustrated with the dating scene from the posts I've read :flowerforyou:
ETA: I agree that verbal communication is the best form or setting the foundations of the relationship, but small things like "How is your day going?" or "Good morning" put you on a woman's mind and you're more likely to grow the verbal communication if you show that you're interested in more than long conversations on the phone.0 -
Most cancellations that I have seen over time are given over text message and done with little explanation. I'm not inclined to go into a texting marathon over the reason with someone who has cancelled on me. I'm also usually not the kind of person to text a hello over. When I send a text message, there's a practical purpose. If this makes me sound cold and distant, that's far from the case. I use voice based communications (in person and over the phone) to transmit feeling and build relational context. Both a phone conversation and in person interactions are better tools for relational development than the text message.
As the text message has become more ingrained as a communication, I have found that I've need to explain my philosophy on the purpose of the text message. 3-5 years ago, I didn't need to explain text messages. I really want to set clear expectations.
Have I ever switched off the "warm" button? I'm sure it has happened, but I like to think I'm not the type of person who would switch off a "warm" button unless it is warranted. I try my best to be fair and reasonable.
Lord have mercy. If a guy asked me out or cancelled via text message, we would be over before we even got started. That's rude and passive aggressive, neither of which are attractive qualities in a man.
You know why I hate text messages in a relationship context? I'm a girl; at certain times, my mood is not, shall we say, right. And at those times, I can turn an innocent "hello" text from a guy into all sorts of crazy. At best, I'm showing a friend or co-worker and saying "Hello. That's all he had to say. Just 'hello." At worst, it's "Hello? He usually says 'hey babe.' What's with this 'hello' business?" And 90% of the time, I'm a very rational, level-headed, patient person, so I can't be the only woman who does this.0 -
I dated a gentleman with a similar philsophy and it is a rare thing to come across.
I text because, honestly, when I am on the phone I like to focus on the voice on the other end which means I'm needing to set out a block of time for that exclusively. Texting allows me to wash dishes and share the highlights of the day. Also, I am one of those "Good morning" texters because I was thinking of the person and what better way to express that (and possibly make them smile) than to say so?
Again, we all have different approaches to dating. But, as I believe was stated before, what worked 5 years ago isn't going to work the same way now. Treat it as you would a business, you wouldn't use a fax when an email is far more reliable form of communication. Some things, like opening the door for the lady, allowing her to order first, and being the man you are: always are going to work. Some other things? Little tweaks to how you approach dating? May reward you.
Just trying to help. I gather you've been pretty frustrated with the dating scene from the posts I've read :flowerforyou:
ETA: I agree that verbal communication is the best form or setting the foundations of the relationship, but small things like "How is your day going?" or "Good morning" put you on a woman's mind and you're more likely to grow the verbal communication if you show that you're interested in more than long conversations on the phone.
In the early going, I'm most interested in developing the relationship face to face. I think texting works best for simple things and I'm not entirely opposed to texting. I also know some people are best with text messages, so I'll text them. I also like Facebook as well. After a few good dates, I don't mind Facebook friending someone and sending some of the more simple good morning type messages. All forms of standalone text based communication (txt msg, email, Facebook, forums) have a limitation as they can cause a lot of misunderstandings. In the early going, I think it is best to reduce the amount of potential misunderstandings, at least until you have a real clear sense of the person.
I think it is hard to multitask, to wash dishes, clean toilets and work on relational development. I prefer quality to quantity, but there does have to be some amount of quantity. I like what you said earlier about flow of conversation, that's a biggie to me.
Yes, the dating scene is rather frustrating. I think it is normal for everyone to be somewhat frustrated. I don't think you'd be human if at some point you were not frustrated with what goes on. But I expected dating to be in the past for me by this point.0 -
No offense intended by this, but something stuck out at me and I have to say it.
IF, in your experience, Female cancellation = no interest 99% of the time... You are dating women who don't have lives. 60-75% of the time maybe I could see, but 99%?!? Don't let your pessimism get the best of you.0 -
Still trying to read through all the replies and I really didn't mean to hijack the thread! But the date I rescheduled was my 3rd date with the guy. We have been texting/talking every day a couple times a day for 2 weeks now. Since I was exhausted from a busy day on our 2nd date (ended the night at 12 instead of sticking it out until the 2 am bar closing), I wanted to be able to put more energy and attention into this date. I could have stuck with the date and showed up in the jeans & t-shirt I went to work in (woke up really late) or could have waited 1 day so I could wear my heels, dress, and do my makeup nicely. Plus I asked if he minded & he said no that he was just glad he was still going to get to see me (verses me just flat out cancelling).
Edit: Also since the date had only been scheduled as of Sunday night and I requested a reschedule early Monday morning, I don't see this as being a huge issue. It's not like he had been looking forward to it all week! Anyways just wanted to clarify a couple points. :blushing:0 -
I dated a gentleman with a similar philsophy and it is a rare thing to come across.
I text because, honestly, when I am on the phone I like to focus on the voice on the other end which means I'm needing to set out a block of time for that exclusively. Texting allows me to wash dishes and share the highlights of the day. Also, I am one of those "Good morning" texters because I was thinking of the person and what better way to express that (and possibly make them smile) than to say so?
Again, we all have different approaches to dating. But, as I believe was stated before, what worked 5 years ago isn't going to work the same way now. Treat it as you would a business, you wouldn't use a fax when an email is far more reliable form of communication. Some things, like opening the door for the lady, allowing her to order first, and being the man you are: always are going to work. Some other things? Little tweaks to how you approach dating? May reward you.
Just trying to help. I gather you've been pretty frustrated with the dating scene from the posts I've read :flowerforyou:
ETA: I agree that verbal communication is the best form or setting the foundations of the relationship, but small things like "How is your day going?" or "Good morning" put you on a woman's mind and you're more likely to grow the verbal communication if you show that you're interested in more than long conversations on the phone.
In the early going, I'm most interested in developing the relationship face to face. I think texting works best for simple things and I'm not entirely opposed to texting. I also know some people are best with text messages, so I'll text them. I also like Facebook as well. After a few good dates, I don't mind Facebook friending someone and sending some of the more simple good morning type messages. All forms of standalone text based communication (txt msg, email, Facebook, forums) have a limitation as they can cause a lot of misunderstandings. In the early going, I think it is best to reduce the amount of potential misunderstandings, at least until you have a real clear sense of the person.
I think it is hard to multitask, to wash dishes, clean toilets and work on relational development. I prefer quality to quantity, but there does have to be some amount of quantity. I like what you said earlier about flow of conversation, that's a biggie to me.
Yes, the dating scene is rather frustrating. I think it is normal for everyone to be somewhat frustrated. I don't think you'd be human if at some point you were not frustrated with what goes on. But I expected dating to be in the past for me by this point.
I know what you are saying... you're doing the middle of the road approach by not bombarding someone by one form of communication until or unless things heat up.
With that said, I think most women enjoy a "Good night (insert name)" text before bed. If nothing else, we know you are thinking about us and there is a giddy rush from it as we fall asleep. Just trying to help you stack the deck...0 -
Still trying to read through all the replies and I really didn't mean to hijack the thread! But the date I rescheduled was my 3rd date with the guy. We have been texting/talking every day a couple times a day for 2 weeks now. Since I was exhausted from a busy day on our 2nd date (ended the night at 12 instead of sticking it out until the 2 am bar closing), I wanted to be able to put more energy and attention into this date. I could have stuck with the date and showed up in the jeans & t-shirt I went to work in (woke up really late) or could have waited 1 day so I could wear my heels, dress, and do my makeup nicely. Plus I asked if he minded & he said no that he was just glad he was still going to get to see me (verses me just flat out cancelling).
Edit: Also since the date had only been scheduled as of Sunday night and I requested a reschedule early Monday morning, I don't see this as being a huge issue. It's not like he had been looking forward to it all week! Anyways just wanted to clarify a couple points. :blushing:
Sounds like a sweet guy, good luck :happy:0 -
In the early going, I'm most interested in developing the relationship face to face. I think texting works best for simple things and I'm not entirely opposed to texting. I also know some people are best with text messages, so I'll text them. I also like Facebook as well. After a few good dates, I don't mind Facebook friending someone and sending some of the more simple good morning type messages. All forms of standalone text based communication (txt msg, email, Facebook, forums) have a limitation as they can cause a lot of misunderstandings. In the early going, I think it is best to reduce the amount of potential misunderstandings, at least until you have a real clear sense of the person.
I think it is hard to multitask, to wash dishes, clean toilets and work on relational development. I prefer quality to quantity, but there does have to be some amount of quantity. I like what you said earlier about flow of conversation, that's a biggie to me.
Yes, the dating scene is rather frustrating. I think it is normal for everyone to be somewhat frustrated. I don't think you'd be human if at some point you were not frustrated with what goes on. But I expected dating to be in the past for me by this point.
I know what you are saying... you're doing the middle of the road approach by not bombarding someone by one form of communication until or unless things heat up.
With that said, I think most women enjoy a "Good night (insert name)" text before bed. If nothing else, we know you are thinking about us and there is a giddy rush from it as we fall asleep. Just trying to help you stack the deck...
^^ Yep!
Now, I'm generalizing so no one hang me by my toes, but most women I meet? So long as you aren't constantly (like every 5 minutes) texting or calling or emailing....we like that we popped up in your mind.
The middle of the road is safe, understood. And at some point you'll veer either way on that road, depending on the woman.
As for being frustrated, DM, I totally understand.
And from what I have seen, you seem to be an intelligent and caring guy. Only suggestion I have to cure the frustration is to change how you do things. Unless you've met your lady and are coming from a "been there, this is my take", then keep on keeping on!
I keep changing and trying new things. Like meeting at a park to walk our dogs. That was an adventure, and not necessarily a great one. (When his 100 pound pooch got a crush on my 25 pound pooch....yea...LOL) But it gave me an insight to him that I otherwise had not seen. Or skipping the pre-date conversations so when we meet, there are no pre-judgements. Again, it was interesting because we were basically strangers (my mother and a girlfriend had all the details as to who and where and his information just in case I disappeared...
).
I'm sure you'll find your lady, but a mental break may be needed to keep things fun. :flowerforyou:0 -
Yes, thanks. I haven't met anyone recently.
That goodnight text is a sweet gesture at a certain point. I'm not opposed to it at all. After a couple of good dates, when I'm confident about where things stand, I'd do that.
Most of the cancellations that I was talking about occur before the first date. I attribute it to flakiness in online dating. I'm moving my efforts towards offline dating, meeting people offline then going on real dates. I still think that most cancellations are a sign of low/weak interest. I don't believe what I've experienced in flakiness is unusual. Many other posters here deal with flakiness all the time. Flakiness is not gender specific.
All of this got started based on some of the things JGT is going through. I certainly hope things work out well there.0 -
Yes, thanks. I haven't met anyone recently.
That goodnight text is a sweet gesture at a certain point. I'm not opposed to it at all. After a couple of good dates, when I'm confident about where things stand, I'd do that.
Most of the cancellations that I was talking about occur before the first date. I attribute it to flakiness in online dating. I'm moving my efforts towards offline dating, meeting people offline then going on real dates. I still think that most cancellations are a sign of low/weak interest. I don't believe what I've experienced in flakiness is unusual. Many other posters here deal with flakiness all the time. Flakiness is not gender specific.
All of this got started based on some of the things JGT is going through. I certainly hope things work out well there.
To OP:
So sorry for hijacking your thread!!
To DM: I wish you the best of luck! :drinker:0
