Dating someone with kids...
Replies
-
The kids should ALWAYS come first. Period. End of story. If they don't, you're a bad parent, and a mediocre human, at best.
My kid is still young, so I may not be qualified to offer this opinion... but I think the "kids come first" notion is a great part of why we have so many entitled little brats running around our nation.0 -
We, the couple, come first. It is my firm belief that the relationship between husband and wife comes first before all other earthly relationships (parents, kids, siblings, old friends). While I’m tolerant of the beliefs of others, this is one belief that any future mate must share.
This. Kids should grow up seeing a HEALTHY marriage where husband and wife prioritize each other. Yes, sometimes you have to focus your priorities elsewhere when the situation calls for it. But this is your life PARTNER.0 -
Does anyone else find it asinine to be having a conversation of CHOOSING between your spouse or your kids? Are they not BOTH top priority? When in the world would you choose one over the other? This isn't like choosing ham or turkey on your sammich.
Saying that making your children a priority promotes bratty entitled children is like saying making your spouse a priority allows them to be abusive. Absolutely ridiculous on both counts. What ridiculous stereotyping.0 -
Does anyone else find it asinine to be having a conversation of CHOOSING between your spouse or your kids? Are they not BOTH top priority? When in the world would you choose one over the other? This isn't like choosing ham or turkey on your sammich.
Saying that making your children a priority promotes bratty entitled children is like saying making your spouse a priority allows them to be abusive. Absolutely ridiculous on both counts. What ridiculous stereotyping.
Yep, agreed.
They should both be a priority.
I have watched great relationships crumble because the kids were the only priority and the couple could no longer connect to each other.
I have watched relationships strengthen through starting a family because everyone knew where they stood and they worked together to stay united.
I expect anyone dating with children to value the time they have with their kids and to make sure the children's needs are met. And I accept that should I become serious with a person with children that I, too, will be expected to grow my love to cover the child's needs.
We aren't born with a set limit of the amount of room in our souls/hearts to love. It grows or shrinks with time and experience.
Spouse and child should be held equally and time divided correctly if you expect either relationship to flourish.0 -
The kids should ALWAYS come first. Period. End of story. If they don't, you're a bad parent, and a mediocre human, at best.
My kid is still young, so I may not be qualified to offer this opinion... but I think the "kids come first" notion is a great part of why we have so many entitled little brats running around our nation.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
But maybe you should talk to him about it and tell him how you feel.
I am not in that place yet. We're still very "new" to each other.0 -
My kid is still young, so I may not be qualified to offer this opinion... but I think the "kids come first" notion is a great part of why we have so many entitled little brats running around our nation.
The first wave of kids who were raised under this notion are now adults. These are the kids born during the 1980s. For those who don’t spend much time interacting with this cohort, it is a uniquely challenging group. Another irony is that this group is the group really starting to have children now in larger number, although per capita birth rates have been at the lowest point since the early 1970s in recent years.I can agree with that, kids don't get to choose their parents, but having kids is a choice. If you make that choice you HAVE to follow through, there's no half-assing a life, eh? Scariest life-time commitment ever, you can't divorce your kids/leave them in the backyard when they puke on your new carpet...
I think a lot of potential parents don’t properly evaluate the parenthood process before having kids, and that’s when the kids have a lot of problems, which in turn creates societal problems. There are a lot of factors that go into successful child rearing. It’s a really difficult thing to do. Selfless and life long commitment.0 -
I am totally going to catch **** for this, but honestly, every time I've tried to date a man with kids, I end up feeling like his kids just become an excuse for him to not spend time with me. Someone else mentioned all the mama drama that comes along with that as well, and I have to agree. I can't tell you how many phone conversations I've spent with the phone halfway held to my ear, not really paying attention at all as he once again lambasts his ex for being a selfish ***** who doesn't care about his needs because she just dropped his kid off and he can't see me because he "doesn't want to introduce me to his kid until we're serious". If I mention that he set up boundaries, then I get yelled at for not being understanding. It's a complete lose lose situation for me...
A relationship is meant to be for two people to get to know one another. Therefore, it's not selfish to expect your significant other to make you a priority.0 -
I end up feeling like his kids just become an excuse for him to not spend time with me.
I think you're right since they were saying in the other thread that guys will use any excuse to avoid telling you they no longer are interested.If I mention that he set up boundaries, then I get yelled at for not being understanding. It's a complete lose lose situation for me...
A relationship is meant to be for two people to get to know one another. Therefore, it's not selfish to expect your significant other to make you a priority.
Your story is the kind of thing that makes me run from guys with kids who say, "The kids *always* come first." Sure, you have to flex in any relationship (baby-mama being a jerk that day you just have to adapt to it), but I'm hoping to find someone where the long-term overarching goal is to make our relationship, our home, our life a priority.0 -
I am totally going to catch **** for this, but honestly, every time I've tried to date a man with kids, I end up feeling like his kids just become an excuse for him to not spend time with me. Someone else mentioned all the mama drama that comes along with that as well, and I have to agree. I can't tell you how many phone conversations I've spent with the phone halfway held to my ear, not really paying attention at all as he once again lambasts his ex for being a selfish ***** who doesn't care about his needs because she just dropped his kid off and he can't see me because he "doesn't want to introduce me to his kid until we're serious". If I mention that he set up boundaries, then I get yelled at for not being understanding. It's a complete lose lose situation for me...
A relationship is meant to be for two people to get to know one another. Therefore, it's not selfish to expect your significant other to make you a priority.
All of this makes sense.0 -
I love asking questions (and why probably quite a few may not be exactly fond of me :laugh: ) but it is almost unanimous among the ladies posting an opinion here that they either would prefer not to or would refuse to date a man with children.
I have read the reasons given and not going to dispute the validity of that but wonder if there is also something deeper.
Do ladies have a certain resentment regarding the fact that a guy will as long as he lives have a connection to another woman because of kids?
Is there a natural feeling of desire to be a mother but are repelled at the idea of having to be one to some other womans kids?
Do ladies feel that when push comes to shove a man will ultimately side with the birth mother of his children regardless of whether they are in a civil relationship to each other or not?
I have no kids so not a thing to me but am curious.0 -
It's not the case that if you have kids you are hung up on your ex, can't show someone you love how special you think they are, never have time to spend with them. That's nothing tp do with having kids, that's to do with not being ready for a relationship with anyone, or being a taker in relationships, rather than a giver.
I prefer to date men with kids as they are more likely to understand and accept that my kids and I are a package deal. If someone without kids was OK with this, then I would have no problem dating them. I totally understand why they may prefer not to date someone with kids. Having said this, I do feel that people get so hung up on what they think their perfect person will be like and they focus on lifestyle trivialities. Kids become one of many inclusion/exclusion criteria that people think will find them the right person. In my experience, love doesn't work like that. When you love someone, you love everything about them and kids are a part of that person.
This debate echos a wider one we often discuss here about dating people with so called baggage. I've had a relationship with someone who seemed perfect for me but turned out to be utterly unable to handle the difficult things in life. For me as well as a person's qualities, I want someone who has been tested by life and has risen to the challenge. What other people see as baggage I see as a sign of strength. Strength that's needed to sustain a relationship through the bad times in life as well as the good.
Carl for me the answer to all those questions is No 0 -
I won't even consider dating a single parent who DOESN'T put his kids first, because I think that would speak ill of his character and his lack of devotion to his kids.
This! When you only have your kids part of the time, I would think you want to spend every second with them (if you're a good parent). At this age, I wouldn't date a guy with a kid but when I'm older I would have no problem with it unless there was major drama around it. Think of it this way too - if you get serious with the guy, you get to have even more love from those kids!
And you should balance your children and your spouse. When you're younger, your children need you more for their needs. But as they get older and mature, you can begin to have a bigger priority for your spouse, you know what I mean? If your child is younger and needs help, and your husband/wife needs help, at that point you're probably going to help the child. But as kids mature, they realize there are others and they can wait a little.
My parents put me and my sister most of the time. We never had babysitters, and always did stuff with the family. Now that we're older, they go on vacation together for the week and leave us alone, and don't always rush to help me like they did when I was younger.0 -
I've dated girls with kids, it's a different beast that's for sure. Takes some getting used to being 2nd priority when you don't have kids yourself. But I get how hard it is for single mums and props to the woman I dated who made big efforts to spend time with me. It ain't easy.
In saying that, I'm not dating another girl with kids, unless she completely blows my mind 0 -
when you date someone knowing he/she has children (kids are baby goats), you need to understand that at this point in life, they are his/her life. I have 2 blessings and they do come first. when they were younger I didn't date. They're both teens now and I'm more willing to leave them at home or with friends. It is very selfish for someone to expect someone else to give up time with their children just for them. sorry. selfishness is a turn off. not only do single parents look to see if you are compatible with them, but also if you get along with their children, and if you are willing to love them as they do.0
-
It is not selfishness to expect a significant other to make me a priority. Kids are great, don't get me wrong, but when his life is completely and totally wrapped up in his kids and he makes me the "odd man out" as it were, then I can only assume that he does not want to have a relationship with me. I understand that there are emergencies occasionally, but if I have something scheduled with a man, I expect him to be there unless he has a damn good reason (e.g. the kid is sick; that is acceptable to me) to cancel.0
-
It is not selfishness to expect a significant other to make me a priority. Kids are great, don't get me wrong, but when his life is completely and totally wrapped up in his kids and he makes me the "odd man out" as it were, then I can only assume that he does not want to have a relationship with me. I understand that there are emergencies occasionally, but if I have something scheduled with a man, I expect him to be there unless he has a damn good reason (e.g. the kid is sick; that is acceptable to me) to cancel.
Yeah I agree.0 -
It is not selfishness to expect a significant other to make me a priority. Kids are great, don't get me wrong, but when his life is completely and totally wrapped up in his kids and he makes me the "odd man out" as it were, then I can only assume that he does not want to have a relationship with me. I understand that there are emergencies occasionally, but if I have something scheduled with a man, I expect him to be there unless he has a damn good reason (e.g. the kid is sick; that is acceptable to me) to cancel.
I agree as well...
That's probably why most of us here that do NOT have kids all feel the same way about it. We just see it differently since we're coming from another point of view.
Doesn't make us wrong or single parents wrong. We're entitled to prefer what we want and that doesn't mean it's selfish. :flowerforyou:0 -
I enjoy your question.. not only does it challenge us to really think about our feelings, but I'm always curious to hear the opinions of others.I love asking questions (and why probably quite a few may not be exactly fond of me :laugh: )
Not so... one guy I'm "getting to know" has kids; doesn't bother me as he seems to share the "spouse first" attitude and also seems to be a really good dad.but it is almost unanimous among the ladies posting an opinion here that they either would prefer not to or would refuse to date a man with children.
No, though I won't date someone who clearly isn't over herDo ladies have a certain resentment regarding the fact that a guy will as long as he lives have a connection to another woman because of kids?
Not for me... the second guy I dated after being single had 4 kids. 4. Confident in every other area, he lamented that no one would want a man with 4 kids. I told him a woman like me would: one who had miscarried 4. I would have loved to mother those children.Is there a natural feeling of desire to be a mother but are repelled at the idea of having to be one to some other womans kids?
Never thought about it, but I think that's part of my whole "spouse first" thing. There is no way I could marry a man who I thought would side with any woman over me (even his mother). Consider and respect her opinion, sure, but mine comes first.Do ladies feel that when push comes to shove a man will ultimately side with the birth mother of his children regardless of whether they are in a civil relationship to each other or not?0 -
I feel that dating someone is already complex enough without the issue of dealing with the issue of kids. I'm not in the mood to be dealing with babysitters and not having the attention focused on me in the early going.
I don't think the raising someone else's kid would sit real well with me. The way I see it, if I'm raising a kid with a woman, I'd like to have created the kid with that woman.
With a kid in the picture, an ex will likely be in the picture unless the father is totally absentee. Neither an absentee father nor a presentee father is a good thing for relationship development between me and a potential girlfriend.0 -
It is very selfish for someone to expect someone else to give up time with their children just for them.
I don't see how this is selfish at all. Of course it's selfish to expect someone to place your happiness above their children's safety and well-being. But expecting someone to be willing to give up TIME with their children? That's what dating is when you're a single parent. I'm not talking about being away from your kids several nights a week, EVERY week. But you've got to make the effort to relate to each other as a man and a woman, not as a man and a single mom or woman and a single dad. That involves spending a significant amount of time together away from the kids. If you're not willing or able to do that, then you're not really in a position to be dating anyway.
I don't particularly want to date a single dad. I've done it before. He was really an amazing man, and I was actually very attracted to the fact that he was so devoted to his kids. We broke up for reasons that had nothing to do with his parental status, but, regardless, I guess I still have this idea of wanting to experience parenthood, all wide-eyed and full of optimism, at the same time as my husband. I am hesitant to date divorced men for the same reason (i.e. been there, done that), and I realize this is all very idealistic, but that's how I feel.
If I were to date a single dad, I would have certain expectations. One of them would be that he makes spending time with me, alone, a priority, and another is that he puts his foot down with the kids' mother about holding up her end of the parenting responsibility. Like I said, I would never expect him to put me before his kids' safety or health, but if he's constantly cancelling dates because something has come up with the kids and/or their mother, then I'm going to assume he doesn't have time to date. And I do not believe that is selfish. I just think it's reality.0 -
I don't particularly want to date a single dad. I am hesitant to date divorced men for the same reason (i.e. been there, done that), and I realize this is all very idealistic, but that's how I feel.
The reverse of this is what I feel. When I marry, I want it to be the first marriage for both of us. I want us both to be child free going into the marriage. I don't think you are being idealistic at all. I think you're being practical. When I was finishing college, I expected to be engaged or married within 5 years of my graduation date and it's been 7 years and I'm not close to where I want to be. It's unsettling to me in a way, but does beat being in a terrible relationship.0 -
Even though my questions were aimed at ladies and I have assumed for a long time any lady I might be involved with will have children of some age I guess I need to think about it a lot more as well.
To answer my own questions as honestly as I can...
1) As said,I expect children to be in the mix,that is a simple reality and am not worried about another man in her life as long as it is clear he is considered past.
2) Probably does not apply,the maternal instinct is something no guy can understand or relate to.
3) This one could be problematic,as much as I understand the relationship with a mom and her kids would I be allowed to be part of the parenting or would that be out of bounds as far as input,discipline etc.
If so then it would probably be a deal breaker at some point just because the feeling of being an outsider in a relationship/marriage would be tough to accept.0 -
I feel that dating someone is already complex enough without the issue of dealing with the issue of kids. I'm not in the mood to be dealing with babysitters and not having the attention focused on me in the early going.
Yes, this!
I don't see it as being selfish, as one previous poster put it. How can you have a real relationship if you're constantly on the back burner, waiting at someone else's beck and call?
Now, I agree that it's not the same when the kids are younger and they need lots of attention. But once they're a teen, that's different.0 -
I'm a single mom with two little girls. I briefly dated someone who'd never been married, no kids. Now I will say that I was a bit bewildered by his understanding of my limited dating time. My kids live with me and go to their dads every other weekend. He was very understanding of that. However I found it difficult to relate to him in a lot of areas simply because he hadn't been through a previous marriage. The kid thing wasn't (yet) an issue. But our past experiences just were very different. So the divorced dating never married was a bit difficult. Not for everyone though. My BFF married a divorced guy with an 8 yr old son. THey've been married 10 years and the son may as well be her own. He's closer to her than he is to his own (deadbeat) mom.
I agree what someone else said about "why not just get a sitter". Obviously their dad only sees them every other weekend. I hope to God he doesn't call a sitter to watch the kids when he only sees them 6 days a month. I'd hope any woman he dated would understand that. And for me, my only "fun" time with the kids are MY weekends with them. So I'm not too keen on tossing them off to a sitter so I can go out and have fun. The week is busy with school, homework, errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. I value my weekends with the kids b/c I can focus on fun with them. If I"m dating someone who also has kids - it's a bonus because then we can see each other even on our kid weekends.0 -
Like I said, I would never expect him to put me before his kids' safety or health, but if he's constantly cancelling dates because something has come up with the kids and/or their mother, then I'm going to assume he doesn't have time to date. And I do not believe that is selfish. I just think it's reality.It is very selfish for someone to expect someone else to give up time with their children just for them.
Exactly. How can you have any sort of relationship when it's almost like "I have my kid one week on, one week off. So we can go out every other week." I don't think so.
I don't think it's very selfish at all. Why should I have to settle and let someone else make my life schedule for me?0 -
I would just like to point out that I go out all the time when my kids are home .....after they are alseep. My sister lives with us so I'm lucky enough to have a built in babysitter....... My kids never even know I'm gone They are asleep when I leave and they are still asleep when I get home .0
-
I am a singlel mom, that has joint custody of two teenage boys. I have my boys sunday-sunday (every other week). The weeks that I don't have my kids I am available to go out. If I have them with me at home, then that is where I am. I wil not introduce my kids to any dates of mine, unless we have gone on few dates first. If I dated someone with kids I would expect them to put thier kids before a date with me.0
-
For the most part, I have always maintained that I will not date someone with kids. I still feel this way, quite honestly. I have no desire to be a parent, and even if I did, I think it would be difficult to come second in so many ways. I would never be the child's natural mother. I will never be the one who bore a child by my spouse. I will never expect to come before the child's needs. and so on.
I live a lifestyle that does not allow for children, and I wouldn't think I'd be able to truly connect with someone who was so limited. It would be hard for me to love someone who would be unable to share the things I find joy in.
On an even more selfish note... have you ever tried having a phone conversation (or even a regular conversation) while someone is screaming "shut up! sit down! be quiet! I'm on the phone! quit hitting your sister! don't bite the dog!" the entire time? major turnoff.0 -
well, if the one you want wants his/her children before you at this point in life, maybe he/she is not for you. You haven't married him yet, he's not yours (significant other/husband). When you marry, then you become the more important one because the 2 shall become one, and you share the responsibility of the care for the children.
if the children are young, they come first. Teens can basically care for themselves.0
