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rejection, the whys?
j4nash
Posts: 1,719 Member
So I met this girl from Match today for coffee.. if I'm going to do online dates then I think I'm going to stick with the coffee thing. Less risk. Anyways, good conversation, laughed etc. Send her a note a bit later asking if she'd be interested in seeing me again and she said that we're not a fit. I must be stupid or something but I can't figure out for the life of me why? Sometimes it's blatantly obvious but others not so much. I've had my hits and misses and most of the misses I understand why. But, on a handful of occasions, like this, I haven't a clue. It would be nice to know, assuming it's not sheer physical attraction, why it wasn't there. She seemed eager to meet and then it fell through.
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Really hard to say as it could be anything. It could be that the chemistry wasn't there. Did you mention you'd just split with someone? Don't wish to pry as to the whys/wherefores but you mentioned she had wanted more than you could give. If this wasn't specific to that girl, maybe the Match girl picked up on any ambivalence you may have re the long term. Whatever the reason, this isn't a rejection of you as a person, how could it be when she doesn't know you?0
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Really hard to say as it could be anything. It could be that the chemistry wasn't there. Did you mention you'd just split with someone? Don't wish to pry as to the whys/wherefores but you mentioned she had wanted more than you could give. If this wasn't specific to that girl, maybe the Match girl picked up on any ambivalence you may have re the long term. Whatever the reason, this isn't a rejection of you as a person, how could it be when she doesn't know you?
No, didn't mention anything about that.. the last girl was only a months I wouldn't consider that long-term by any stretch.. I'm not the type to lay it all out on the first meeting. Who knows.0 -
So I met this girl from Match today for coffee.. if I'm going to do online dates then I think I'm going to stick with the coffee thing. Less risk. Anyways, good conversation, laughed etc. Send her a note a bit later asking if she'd be interested in seeing me again and she said that we're not a fit. I must be stupid or something but I can't figure out for the life of me why? Sometimes it's blatantly obvious but others not so much. I've had my hits and misses and most of the misses I understand why. But, on a handful of occasions, like this, I haven't a clue. It would be nice to know, assuming it's not sheer physical attraction, why it wasn't there. She seemed eager to meet and then it fell through.
I have been getting emails from a dating site that i signed up for like 5yrs ago if not longer. A lot of women didn't reply to any of my emails or posts. They just seem super stuck up. They're judging the package at face value, yet women usually go based on personality. I was bored not really looking for anything, i don't think. I sent out like 5-10 emails again to see if anything happens, nothing yet, i doubt any one would reply.
Girls have a tendency to be fake, like they are all flirty, having a great time, you look for a next time. NOTHING.
Interesting point. The weird things is I've messaged women before.. nothing. It's like a black hole at times. Then out of the blue I'll get a message from them.. completely unrelated to my original e-mail. It's like they all of a sudden discovered my profile in a stack of old newspapers. Only thing I can think of is women on dating sites get hundreds of e-mails a day.. easy to overlook.0 -
Wild *kitten* guess here...
It has long been established that a woman wants to "feel" protected or some such with a guy so he must be taller.
However at nearly 7 foot you could have been seen by this one as a giant and she felt too small.
Even if she knew ahead of time until you were there with her she could only have guessed how she would feel.
Don`t get down on yourself over it if I am right,you can`t control how someone takes you and that is where you just have to mentally be able to say "next".0 -
I am so glad someone else mentioned the height thing. I wonder if she was slightly intimidated by your size.
In theory, I know I'd love to stand next to someone who would make me feel petite, but actually encountering someone over a foot taller? That might be intimidating in reality.
Just food for thought.0 -
Interesting point Carl, never thought of that before. But in an odd way that makes sense.. I sometimes get the women that are enamored by tall guys and then others who just aren't into it. Quite a lack of consistency which is frustrating at times.0
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I don't know about your height, I am sure you are clear about that on your profile so I wouldn't worry about that. Besides, I think most woman find that attractive.
I bet she just didn't feel any chemistry and that is beyond her control and yours. It has happened to me before, got along great before meeting and in person its just "not there'. It's not anything that can be explained and is usually disappointing.0 -
I reckon it was more the size of your hands!!! :noway: :laugh:
J/k :bigsmile:
Seriously, I think its just a chemistry thing, she just didnt feel it.
And coffee is a crap first date! Ask DM
OMG, I just thought, did you pay for her coffee?? My mate met a guy for coffee once and he asked her for half!! Needless to say, if a guy can't treat you to a coffee then its a dealbreaker, for sure!0 -
Interesting point Carl, never thought of that before. But in an odd way that makes sense.. I sometimes get the women that are enamored by tall guys and then others who just aren't into it. Quite a lack of consistency which is frustrating at times.
That is only one possibility,you could have in person via expressions,mannerisms etc reminded her of the vet who put down a family pet...there is no way to know and I think more so with ladies then guys if you hit one of those emotion triggers the wrong way you are done.0 -
You will drive yourself crazy with the whys...
It could have been anything. who knows? who cares? If you knew why would it change anything? Would you stop doing something just because 1 person didn't like it?? I think not.
Just be grateful she recognized something she didn't like right from the get go and was honest with you. Instead of wasting your time with a 2nd or 3rd date and then telling you no.
Maybe she's just a beotch and didn't like the way you drink your coffee or something?
If your profile lists your height, then it's not that. Or she didn't look at it carefully enough and was shocked when she saw you for the first time?0 -
Interesting point Carl, never thought of that before. But in an odd way that makes sense.. I sometimes get the women that are enamored by tall guys and then others who just aren't into it. Quite a lack of consistency which is frustrating at times.
That is only one possibility,you could have in person via expressions,mannerisms etc reminded her of the vet who put down a family pet...there is no way to know and I think more so with ladies then guys if you hit one of those emotion triggers the wrong way you are done.
haha, love it. she was a big fan of animals.0 -
I reckon it was more the size of your hands!!! :noway: :laugh:
J/k :bigsmile:
Seriously, I think its just a chemistry thing, she just didnt feel it.
And coffee is a crap first date! Ask DM
OMG, I just thought, did you pay for her coffee?? My mate met a guy for coffee once and he asked her for half!! Needless to say, if a guy can't treat you to a coffee then its a dealbreaker, for sure!
She paid for the coffee and she asked me to meet. I offered though.0 -
Hands? Really? *snicker*
Listen, darlin... You'll never know why. I once had a seeminly lovely date, but the way in which he paid the bill and the fact that he ordered chicken made the whole situation a no-repeat for me. He was 6'7... it wasn't his size.
We just didn't click. I really can't explain it. Another guy I went out with wanted to pry into why I believe in God and try to belittle me on a first date. He has no clue that he did something stupid there.
And vice-versa. There have been several dates that I've wanted a repeat, but they did not
It just sucks. Finding a mutual match is no easy feat.0 -
And yes, I know my reasons sound RIDICULOUS, but if you heard the story I assure you they weren't *LOL* I wish I could find the original post about it, but I think it was too long ago 0
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I reckon it was more the size of your hands!!! :noway: :laugh:
J/k :bigsmile:
Seriously, I think its just a chemistry thing, she just didnt feel it.
And coffee is a crap first date! Ask DM
OMG, I just thought, did you pay for her coffee?? My mate met a guy for coffee once and he asked her for half!! Needless to say, if a guy can't treat you to a coffee then its a dealbreaker, for sure!
She paid for the coffee and she asked me to meet. I offered though.
:noway: Did you insist? Or just give it the 'oh no, let me pay' as you started to count your pennies?? :laugh:
Sorry, cents..............
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I reckon it was more the size of your hands!!! :noway: :laugh:
J/k :bigsmile:
Seriously, I think its just a chemistry thing, she just didnt feel it.
And coffee is a crap first date! Ask DM
OMG, I just thought, did you pay for her coffee?? My mate met a guy for coffee once and he asked her for half!! Needless to say, if a guy can't treat you to a coffee then its a dealbreaker, for sure!
She paid for the coffee and she asked me to meet. I offered though.
:noway: Did you insist? Or just give it the 'oh no, let me pay' as you started to count your pennies?? :laugh:
Sorry, cents..............
That could have been it but you know what,at that point you are well ahead watching her get smaller in the rear view mirror as it would mean on the first date she was already playing games with you.0 -
Well, you're attractive and she knows what you look like, height, etc. Do you look much different than your pictures? I'm assuming you don't, sooooo......it may be something you said or did. Your personality or views may have not meshed with hers. Some girls have hot buttons....things that may not bug anyone else in the whole world but may be a deal breaker for them.
I went out with one guy, who was the epitome of "my type" in the looks department. He was so hot, but we were just not compatible in the personality department. He couldn't stop talking about his ex girlfriend, how hot other girls were, he talked about women's weight a lot and what he thought was ideal (which was clearly not me) and he actually showed me a naked picture of some girl. He honestly couldn't understand why these things bothered me and why I wouldn't go out with him again. To him I was just "being a feminist" and "sensitive". Maybe I was, but they were deal breakers for me nonetheless.
One suggestion, text her and ask. You have to give her credit for telling you. At least she didn't blow you off. Since she was willing to tell you she wasn't interested, I'm sure she would be willing to tell you what she didn't like. I've had guys ask me and I told them. I had someone not interested and I asked why and he said it was because he met someone that he was more interested in than me. So it may not even be something you did wrong.
Bottom line, she's just not into you, but there are tons of women who will be.0 -
don't take it too hard. I met someone for coffee and it went well, we met for dinner the next week and it just fell. I mean we both knew it was not 'it'. when the right one comes you will know. maybe you should try an afternoon activity, and not a sit down coffee... you need something to stimulate to conversation and make it memorable.
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She's obviously just a closet lesbian. That's what I tell myself in those situations.0
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I reckon it was more the size of your hands!!! :noway: :laugh:
J/k :bigsmile:
Seriously, I think its just a chemistry thing, she just didnt feel it.
And coffee is a crap first date! Ask DM
OMG, I just thought, did you pay for her coffee?? My mate met a guy for coffee once and he asked her for half!! Needless to say, if a guy can't treat you to a coffee then its a dealbreaker, for sure!
She paid for the coffee and she asked me to meet. I offered though.
:noway: Did you insist? Or just give it the 'oh no, let me pay' as you started to count your pennies?? :laugh:
Sorry, cents..............
That could have been it but you know what,at that point you are well ahead watching her get smaller in the rear view mirror as it would mean on the first date she was already playing games with you.
I dont see this as a game Carl, I see this as a guy not really interested in me! I will always offer to pay, it's a self preservation thing. But when a guy can't even insist on getting a coffee ??? It's like meeting a mate. The signals are all wrong for romance.
As I've said countless times in the pay thread, I never expect a guy to pay for the night, I'm always going to pay my way, but, it says a lot to me if a guy offers the first drink. And a coffee is pennies, so its not like I'm judging if he's skint or not, its just what men (usually) do when they like a girl :flowerforyou:0 -
So, I was asked out by a gent on match.com. He initiated, he asked, he asked me to drive to him an hour away for our date... Lunch at Cheesecake Factory.
We meet. He looks like his pictures, he showed up. Two huge reliefs right there. We sit and I comment on how big the menu is... we don't have a Cheesecake Factory where I'm from. He launches into something about how he eats very healthy... which very quickly ends up in him talking about how horrible slaughter houses are and animal rights. I find it an awkward argumentative topic for having met not 5 minutes earlier, but assume he's a bit nervous and just talking too much.
Then, he orders chicken. *shrug* OK. I'm not a meat hater, so I certainly don't care, but given his prior rant I found it particularly funny.
We talk, we eat, etc. It wasn't "bad" but we also weren't clicking. He has a female roommate, has nothing nice to say about his ex-wife, and so on. Topics better saved for another time perhaps?
Alas, the check comes. I grab my wallet and throw in a $20 for my $10 salad and water. The entire bill is $22. He says awkwardly to me after seeing my $20, "Well, I only have a $20 too." I am not about to pay the entire bill for a guy that asked me out and I drove an hour to him. So, I say, "It's OK, they'll bring you change" with a smirk. He hands her the $40 in the billfold. After not even two minutes says, "I hope she doesn't think she's getting an $18 tip!!"
She comes back with change. He puts $3 in for tip and keeps the remainder.
I'm sorry... That may be FINE for some. I found it awkward and frankly just ungentlemanly of him. *shrug*
He continued to write wanting to see him again, and I simply said I'm sorry, but I don't think we're a good fit. The end.0 -
I like the lesbian comment.
As for you being too tall, she knew how tall you were and so I doubt she had a problem with that. The taller the better! I think women like to feel small compared to a man.
I have to agree with AnnaPixie and say it may be that you didn't pay for her coffee. I've gone out with two separate men who didn't pay for my meal on the first date....I offered and they let me pay (for me and them).....I never went out with them again.
I set up two of my friends on a double date with me and someone I was seeing at the time. The guy is very attractive, but doesn't have a lot of experience with women. Before the date I told him to make sure to pay for her. When the check came, she pulled out her money and she'd pay for her's. He let her pay for her meal. After the date she told me that she thought he was really attractive, but she was not interested. I said "because he didn't pay?" she said "yep."
To men this may seem marginal, but to some (certainly not all) women this can be a first date deal breaker. When I'm in a relationship with someone, I have no problem paying my fair share of the time, but first dates are different. I don't have a good reason why, maybe it's a respect thing....it's the gentlemanly thing to do.0 -
this. there are just so many reasons why she could have said it, just continue casting your netInteresting point Carl, never thought of that before. But in an odd way that makes sense.. I sometimes get the women that are enamored by tall guys and then others who just aren't into it. Quite a lack of consistency which is frustrating at times.
That is only one possibility,you could have in person via expressions,mannerisms etc reminded her of the vet who put down a family pet...there is no way to know and I think more so with ladies then guys if you hit one of those emotion triggers the wrong way you are done. 0 -
I reckon it was more the size of your hands!!! :noway: :laugh:
J/k :bigsmile:
Seriously, I think its just a chemistry thing, she just didnt feel it.
And coffee is a crap first date! Ask DM
OMG, I just thought, did you pay for her coffee?? My mate met a guy for coffee once and he asked her for half!! Needless to say, if a guy can't treat you to a coffee then its a dealbreaker, for sure!
She paid for the coffee and she asked me to meet. I offered though.
:noway: Did you insist? Or just give it the 'oh no, let me pay' as you started to count your pennies?? :laugh:
Sorry, cents..............
That could have been it but you know what,at that point you are well ahead watching her get smaller in the rear view mirror as it would mean on the first date she was already playing games with you.
I dont see this as a game Carl, I see this as a guy not really interested in me! I will always offer to pay, it's a self preservation thing. But when a guy can't even insist on getting a coffee ??? It's like meeting a mate. The signals are all wrong for romance.
As I've said countless times in the pay thread, I never expect a guy to pay for the night, I'm always going to pay my way, but, it says a lot to me if a guy offers the first drink. And a coffee is pennies, so its not like I'm judging if he's skint or not, its just what men (usually) do when they like a girl :flowerforyou:
That is the thing,she invited him and yes I know we are only talking a buck but now the guy is caught with trying to figure out how independent she is etc.
As we have talked about before,gender roles have become very confusing to everyone.0 -
I have had the exact same thing happen a few times and my only conclusion is physical attraction.0
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Someone better will come along my friend! Until then keep throwing them back until you find the "ONE"0
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Interesting point Carl, never thought of that before. But in an odd way that makes sense.. I sometimes get the women that are enamored by tall guys and then others who just aren't into it. Quite a lack of consistency which is frustrating at times.
Tall guys are super sexy.. Just sayin0 -
It's not the coffee thing (or if it is, then good for you, this girl is a real pain).
That is the thing,she invited him and yes I know we are only talking a buck but now the guy is caught with trying to figure out how independent she is etc.blahblahblah stuff women say about coffee
As we have talked about before,gender roles have become very confusing to everyone.
If a woman is into you, she won't mind paying for the coffee (and even when she isn't into you visibly).
I always tell women: if you offer something and I take it, don't complain later, you offered.0 -
And yes, I know my reasons sound RIDICULOUS, but if you heard the story I assure you they weren't *LOL* I wish I could find the original post about it, but I think it was too long ago
I remember that story about how the guy took your change! I would say that was an issue of him being a *kitten*.0 -
It's not the coffee thing (or if it is, then good for you, this girl is a real pain).
That is the thing,she invited him and yes I know we are only talking a buck but now the guy is caught with trying to figure out how independent she is etc.blahblahblah stuff women say about coffee
As we have talked about before,gender roles have become very confusing to everyone.
If a woman is into you, she won't mind paying for the coffee (and even when she isn't into you visibly).
I always tell women: if you offer something and I take it, don't complain later, you offered.
No complaint by the woman hun, she said they dont fit. Its the guy in wonderment here. And now you have the privilege of insight.
Take it or leave it 0
This discussion has been closed.