Too practical?

TheKitsune6

I am practical/logical to a fault. Though... I don't really consider it a fault, people have just told me it is.

A couple weeks ago I was at a bar with my roomie/bestie celebrating with a few beers. We ran into a guy who seemed really cool and I ended up talking to him almost the whole night. Lot's in common and all the cute stuff. Long story short we exchanged numbers.

The next day I texted him and we talked back and forth for a bit before the conversation ended (He said "Yeah" and then never followed up). A couple days later my roommate asked what happened, did we talk. I told him the gist and he seemed surprised that I never tried talking to him again.

My perspective is, why should I bother? Obviously if he was interested in me, he would have made some kind of effort to contact me. I have no problem initiating but when you shut down a convo and then never follow up - what am I supposed to do? Roomie says that pursuing is a good thing, it makes the guy feel wanted. I feel that I showed interest and he shot me down and I literally just lost interest. At that point I have too much respect for myself to beg someone for attention.

Thoughts?

DMZ_1

Texting is a bad medium to develop a relationship on. It is for the simplest exchanges of messages, like where? when? etc.

Longer form messages are better in text based communication. So we're talking emails, Facebook messages, even IMing.

You need to see if you can have a real conversation.

TheKitsune6

Texting is a bad medium to develop a relationship on. It is for the simplest exchanges of messages, like where? when? etc.

Longer form messages are better in text based communication. So we're talking emails, Facebook messages, even IMing.

You need to see if you can have a real conversation.

I feel that for a follow up "nice to meet you" that a text is fine - regardless of preferences. My point, however, has no regard to the medium that I used to express a contiuing interest.

La_Amazona

I wouldn't pursue a guy w/o knowing he had interest... for me, it will set the tone of the rest of the relationship. I was reading a dating coaches' blog yesterday about this. He said if you're the one chasing, calling, texting, it's setting up the foundation. In my case, this has been true. I pursued my ex and our whole marriage, I was boss. Maybe it doesn't happen all the time but this is what He's Just Not That Into You preaches and a couple of these blogs (by men).

I say it's his turn to initiate contact now.

Carl01

I wouldn`t bother,there is nothing wrong with a lady taking an initiative but if there is no evidence it is going to go anywhere then it is a waste of time.

ItsCasey

If a man knows how to contact you and fails to do so, it's because he's not interested.

I get so tired of hearing men say that women need to pursue them. That is complete and total BS, and here's why: you never hear a man complain about having to pursue a woman he really likes. He spots a sexy woman somewhere, she gives the "Come talk to me" sign, he takes his happy behind over there and takes control of the situation the way a man should. He gets the number, he calls, he takes her out, he keeps calling, etc. It's only when he's not all that intrigued that he expects the woman to do all the hard work.

TheKitsune6

For the record: I am not interested in pursuing like I've been told is expected. I've already mentally checked out on this guy.

I just wanted peoples thoughts on how much effort is supposed to go into making something happen.

TheKitsune6

I get so tired of hearing men say that women need to pursue them.

Agreed, it's just how the natural world works. My zoology professor stated it very clearly - females get the pick of the litter because eggs are expensive and sperm is cheap.

AllanMisner

If a man knows how to contact you and fails to do so, it's because he's not interested.

I get so tired of hearing men say that women need to pursue them. That is complete and total BS, and here's why: you never hear a man complain about having to pursue a woman he really likes. He spots a sexy woman somewhere, she gives the "Come talk to me" sign, he takes his happy behind over there and takes control of the situation the way a man should. He gets the number, he calls, he takes her out, he keeps calling, etc. It's only when he's not all that intrigued that he expects the woman to do all the hard work.

Yes, and no. Yes, men should be men and keep coming for the lady. But the lady has to put just as much energy into it.

There have been several times I've just stopped communicating with a woman I had gone out with or was interested in when she stopped responding or just left off with nothing worth responding to. Texting is now a fact of life and people will text you back if they want to stay connected.

Carl01

If a man knows how to contact you and fails to do so, it's because he's not interested.

I get so tired of hearing men say that women need to pursue them. That is complete and total BS, and here's why: you never hear a man complain about having to pursue a woman he really likes. He spots a sexy woman somewhere, she gives the "Come talk to me" sign, he takes his happy behind over there and takes control of the situation the way a man should. He gets the number, he calls, he takes her out, he keeps calling, etc. It's only when he's not all that intrigued that he expects the woman to do all the hard work.

At that point she did take an initiative,she could have given a stay away sign too.

I regard pursuit as someone not indicating anything so have no problem with either or doing that,in fact if she made eye contact with him first and smiled,did all the coy signals of interest it could be said she did pursue him.

oddyogi

I probably wouldn't respond back either.

I'm starting to feel like I'm always the one trying to hang out with SL.. but then again he's ridiculously busy. I'm gonna lay off though and let him ask me to do something next.

As for when you're first talking to somebody like in your situation, I would imagine he's interested but not enough. I would guess he has a handful of chicks he has on "standby" for possible "intimate encounters" if you know what I mean.

La_Amazona

If a man knows how to contact you and fails to do so, it's because he's not interested.

I get so tired of hearing men say that women need to pursue them. That is complete and total BS, and here's why: you never hear a man complain about having to pursue a woman he really likes. He spots a sexy woman somewhere, she gives the "Come talk to me" sign, he takes his happy behind over there and takes control of the situation the way a man should. He gets the number, he calls, he takes her out, he keeps calling, etc. It's only when he's not all that intrigued that he expects the woman to do all the hard work.

yup!

JanieJack

My perspective is, why should I bother? Obviously if he was interested in me, he would have made some kind of effort to contact me....
I literally just lost interest. At that point I have too much respect for myself to beg someone for attention.

Agreed on both points. And to those guys who like to "test" women by stopping contact to see if she pursues.. whateva... when you like a girl you make the effort. You testing shows you're more interested in your ego than our relationship. Or you're only "interested" when there's nothing better on your social calendar.

La_Amazona

I'm not sure if this applies here but I thought it was great...

I was reading a dating coaches' blog yesterday and he was talking about how women get all happy and magical about that first meeting or date. We assume because it was SO good that we're on our way to another date and then we wait and wait. He said guys live in the moment. Yes, he might be having just as a great time as you. He might even feel the magical part as well. He's living in the moment. Now, where it really matters if he's interested is what he does after that date/ meeting. How fast he calls and shows interest because that's when you know he wants more and wasn't just living in the moment.

yoovie

a guy ending a conversation with Yeah is not being blown off
and you didnt try and contact him again either
and you havent exactly wooed him
or pursued him

so he probably gave up cause he was the last one to text.

it goes both ways.

ItsCasey

I'm not saying a woman bears no responsibility for keeping up her end of the "conversation," as it were. But it sounds like the OP and the guy she's referring to haven't even been on an actual date. This is what I'm talking about. If he really liked her, he wouldn't have let things drop after one text conversation. If he wanted to go out with her, he would've asked her out. He didn't, so there's no need for her to initiate any further contact with the guy.

I've been on the opposite side of this before. A guy gave me his phone number, which I took as a sign of interest. Now, I am not at all the type to pursue a man. But I really, really liked this guy, so I was motivated more by my interest in him than by my belief that me pursuing him would lead to certain rejection. I tried multiple times to maintain contact with him, which I couldn't believe myself because it's something I had never before felt compelled to do. That's how I know that when real interest is there, a person doesn't give up so easily.

DMZ_1

When one thinks about the situation, weeks have past since initial in person contact. I'm from the school of thought that a one on one date should happen less than a week after first interaction. So the fact that hasn't happened with OP is a red flag.

When I said, "you" need to have a conversation, it was more of the collective "you" (the OP and the guy) than the individual you (the OP).

It would certainly be understandable if the OP wrote it off as a lost cause, felt a lack of interest on his part and decided not to pursue it. But she could try to re-ignite it.

Roadie2000

If a man knows how to contact you and fails to do so, it's because he's not interested.

I get so tired of hearing men say that women need to pursue them. That is complete and total BS, and here's why: you never hear a man complain about having to pursue a woman he really likes. He spots a sexy woman somewhere, she gives the "Come talk to me" sign, he takes his happy behind over there and takes control of the situation the way a man should. He gets the number, he calls, he takes her out, he keeps calling, etc. It's only when he's not all that intrigued that he expects the woman to do all the hard work.

Not necessarily. I do this all the time, and it's not because I have no interest, it's because I just don't know them well enough to really pursue them. There have been a few girls that made an effort when I didn't that I eventually became really into.

Roadie2000

a guy ending a conversation with Yeah is not being blown off
and you didnt try and contact him again either
and you havent exactly wooed him
or pursued him

so he probably gave up cause he was the last one to text.

it goes both ways.

^^^ This! Sometimes I have a short attention span and if you snap your fingers I will pay attention to you again. If you don't I might just disappear.

ItsCasey

Maybe this is a result of me not doing online dating and dealing with men who are in contact with several women at a time, but I'm not going to keep snapping my fingers to get a guy's attention. If I'm that forgettable, then we don't belong together anyway. I should not have to force a man to remember who I am.

Furthermore, if you ask for my phone number and I give it to you, I'm expecting you to call and ask me on a date. If you don't, I will move on. I am not going to play the "let's have a text chat every day" game while you're making up your mind about me. I don't have time for it.

In fact, these days, I rarely give a guy my cell phone number. He gets my home phone number first, and if he actually calls me and has an adult conversation with me, then I know he's serious, and we can take it from there.

TheKitsune6

a guy ending a conversation with Yeah is not being blown off
and you didnt try and contact him again either
and you havent exactly wooed him
or pursued him

so he probably gave up cause he was the last one to text.

it goes both ways.

^^^ This! Sometimes I have a short attention span and if you snap your fingers I will pay attention to you again. If you don't I might just disappear.

Unfortunately I have a short attention span too so... not meant to be? I don't care.

TheKitsune6

Maybe this is a result of me not doing online dating and dealing with men who are in contact with several women at a time, but I'm not going to keep snapping my fingers to get a guy's attention. If I'm that forgettable, then we don't belong together anyway. I should not have to force a man to remember who I am.

Furthermore, if you ask for my phone number and I give it to you, I'm expecting you to call and ask me on a date. If you don't, I will move on. I am not going to play the "let's have a text chat every day" game while you're making up your mind about me. I don't have time for it.

In fact, these days, I rarely give a guy my cell phone number. He gets my home phone number first, and if he actually calls me and has an adult conversation with me, then I know he's serious, and we can take it from there.

You're kind of awesome.

TheKitsune6

When one thinks about the situation, weeks have past since initial in person contact. I'm from the school of thought that a one on one date should happen less than a week after first interaction. So the fact that hasn't happened with OP is a red flag.

When I said, "you" need to have a conversation, it was more of the collective "you" (the OP and the guy) than the individual you (the OP).

It would certainly be understandable if the OP wrote it off as a lost cause, felt a lack of interest on his part and decided not to pursue it. But she could try to re-ignite it.

That is such a -drag- dude, this early on we shouldn't have to have sit down "conversations" about making things work. We haven't even gone on a date - we argued about whether Sean Connery would have made a better Gandalf than Ian McKellon when drinking beer at a bar (I was on the side of Ian McKellon). It was super fun, but the fact remains that I showed an interest and he never ran with it. There's nothing to reignite. It just didn't happen.

TheKitsune6

a guy ending a conversation with Yeah is not being blown off
and you didnt try and contact him again either
and you havent exactly wooed him
or pursued him

so he probably gave up cause he was the last one to text.

it goes both ways.

I disagree, one wording someone, or sending an emoticon as a response is a conversation ender because nothing can be built from that. If he was busy and followed up later I'm not going to be upset about it, but the fact remains he never did. Why is it my job to nag him until he pays attention? So you're absolutely right -it does go both ways, and he didn't put out.

AnnaPixie

If a man knows how to contact you and fails to do so, it's because he's not interested.

I get so tired of hearing men say that women need to pursue them. That is complete and total BS, and here's why: you never hear a man complain about having to pursue a woman he really likes. He spots a sexy woman somewhere, she gives the "Come talk to me" sign, he takes his happy behind over there and takes control of the situation the way a man should. He gets the number, he calls, he takes her out, he keeps calling, etc. It's only when he's not all that intrigued that he expects the woman to do all the hard work.

Not necessarily. I do this all the time, and it's not because I have no interest, it's because I just don't know them well enough to really pursue them. There have been a few girls that made an effort when I didn't that I eventually became really into.

Yeah, this^^^ Not all men are predators or like/enjoy the chase. Some are shy. Some lack confidence. Some are lazy. Some are intimidated. Some dont do text conversations at all well. I know married men who have never approached a woman in their life. If it wasnt for the woman, they wouldnt be married. Some are busy at work..................etc

IMO he ended the textsation!! The 'yeah' could have just meant he ran out of words on the subject and/or got distracted. So, its your turn again.........I would just text him and ask if he fancies a drink on Thursday night. What have you to to lose? :bigsmile:

OK, if this doesnt fit with your character too! If you prefer to be chased, then this guy may not be for you. But at such an early stage, who knows. I think we are now living in a world where it isnt always up to the guy.........:flowerforyou:

ItsCasey

Not all men are predators or like/enjoy the chase. Some are shy. Some lack confidence. Some are lazy. Some are intimidated.

Those excuses don't work on me. I have been asked out on dates by incredibly shy guys who were so nervous they could barely speak. I have been pursued by shy guys who had no information about me other than my first name and where I worked. But they manned up and did the hard thing because they were interested.

Saying you don't enjoy the chase, you're intimidated, you lack confidence, etc., is the same as saying "You just weren't worth the trouble."

MissingMinnesota

In fact, these days, I rarely give a guy my cell phone number. He gets my home phone number first, and if he actually calls me and has an adult conversation with me, then I know he's serious, and we can take it from there.

wait you still have a home phone? (I know off topic but don't know many people with home phones any more)

TheKitsune6

I've got to be honest, I'm quite surprised at the answers - but it's nice to know I'm not alone at least!

ItsCasey

Mine is part of my cable/Internet package. It was actually cheaper initially to sign up for all three than to just get cable and Internet. And I've kept the landline because I don't like giving my cell phone number to doctors, dentists, guys who just want to text me all day, etc.

ItsCasey

I've got to be honest, I'm quite surprised at the answers - but it's nice to know I'm not alone at least!

I've got your back. And really, women are just as much to blame for all of this nonsense as the men are. Nobody has standards anymore. Everyone is all about the path of least resistance. Relationships take work. If you're not willing to put forth the effort upfront, then you're not really showing that you have much to offer in the future.

Carl01

Not all men are predators or like/enjoy the chase. Some are shy. Some lack confidence. Some are lazy. Some are intimidated.

Those excuses don't work on me. I have been asked out on dates by incredibly shy guys who were so nervous they could barely speak. I have been pursued by shy guys who had no information about me other than my first name and where I worked. But they manned up and did the hard thing because they were interested.

Saying you don't enjoy the chase, you're intimidated, you lack confidence, etc., is the same as saying "You just weren't worth the trouble."

Your beliefs,convictions,opinions etc are perfectly fine for YOU and would not for a moment suggest you should change them.

On the other hand do not assume that they should be considered universal or the final word that all should follow.
Perhaps I misread it but I get that impression sometimes.