The Rules

christine24t

So I just heard about this book that came out in 1995, called The Rules, that I just heard about. I haven't read it but have been looking up information from it. It is directed towards women. Supposedly, I read, Blake Lively used the book to snag Leonardo DiCapro!

http://www.amazon.com/The-Rules-Time-Tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446602744

Some of the rules:

- Don't approach him first

- Don't reveal too much info at first

- No more than "casual kissing" on the first date

- No sex until date 3 at least

- You are not auditioning for a date, you are going to relax and have a good time

- Don't accept spontaneous invites (they say you should have a three days in advance rule) because it shows you have nothing going on

- Pace your relationship. They say men fall in love quick, but fall quickly out. Don't see him more than once a week for the first month. Twice a week for the second month then three times a week for the rest of the relationship.

- Be unique

- Go to social events even if you don't feel like it, because you may not necessarily meet people in natural situations

- Don't waste time on fantasy relationships. Quoting the authors: "You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he's never asked you out, then He's Just Not That Into You!"

- Don't live with a man or leave stuff at his place

- Let men approach you first. Quoting the authors: "If you make the first move you’ll never know if he would have approached you and you’ll be insecure for the rest of your life – even if he marries you."

- If he doesn't call, he's not interested.

- Rules women do not date for more than two years. Unless you're younger and in school.

- Don't call, email or text him first.

- Put effort into your appearance


What do you all think? Valid or dumb?

Natx83

Some are valid, some are plain ridiculous.

What's with the 2 year thing? And also the once a week first month etc.. Seems weird to me. Why put rules on when and how often you should see someone, when I'm keen on a girl and we are dating specially after 2months I'd think she was almost borderline uninterested lol

christine24t

The two year thing is that you should be engaged by then!

Yes, I think some of them are dumb but a lot of them I agree with. I don't agree with going out even if you don't feel like it. If I'm dragged out, I'm usually pissed and a guy could probably sense that I'm angry and not approach me so it's a waste of my time.

Silver180

So I just heard about this book that came out in 1995, called The Rules, that I just heard about. I haven't read it but have been looking up information from it. It is directed towards women. Supposedly, I read, Blake Lively used the book to snag Leonardo DiCapro!

http://www.amazon.com/The-Rules-Time-Tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446602744

Some of the rules:

- Don't approach him first
STUPID. WHY NOT, EXACTLY? IT'S A PROGRESSIVE WORLD.

- Don't reveal too much info at first
OBVIOUSLY KEEP THE SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET FOR A WHILE, BUT STILL...

- No more than "casual kissing" on the first date
GOOD IDEA.

- No sex until date 3 at least
GOOD IDEA

- You are not auditioning for a date, you are going to relax and have a good time
EVERYONE WANTS TO HAVE A GOOD TIME

- Don't accept spontaneous invites (they say you should have a three days in advance rule) because it shows you have nothing going on
MEH. WOULDN'T BOTHER ME IF SHE HAD NOTHING GOING ON. MORE TIME FOR MEEEEE!

- Pace your relationship. They say men fall in love quick, but fall quickly out. Don't see him more than once a week for the first month. Twice a week for the second month then three times a week for the rest of the relationship.
GARBAGE.

- Be unique
GOOD TIP (SARCASM...) TELL ME, HOW DO YOU BE UNIQUE WHEN THERE ARE 3 BILLION OTHER WOMEN IN THIS WORLD?

- Go to social events even if you don't feel like it, because you may not necessarily meet people in natural situations
WAIT...ARE WE TALKING ABOUT FINDING DATES OR DATING? NOW YOU'VE LOST ME.

- Don't waste time on fantasy relationships. Quoting the authors: "You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he's never asked you out, then He's Just Not That Into You!"
TERRIBLE. MEN CAN BE SHY TOO. GO OUT ON A LIMB IF YOU ARE INTERESTED.

- Don't live with a man or leave stuff at his place
PRETTY BROAD STATEMENT. WTF? MAYBE SPECIFY A TIMEFRAME?

- Let men approach you first. Quoting the authors: "If you make the first move you’ll never know if he would have approached you and you’ll be insecure for the rest of your life – even if he marries you."
SAME AS BEFORE, NOT ALL MEN ARE GO-GETTERS. AND REALLY? WOULD WOMEN HONESTLY THINK THAT AND BE INSECURE FOR LIFE? SEEMS LIKE A GENERALIZATION TO ME...

- If he doesn't call, he's not interested.
I'D AGREE WITH THIS.

- Rules women do not date for more than two years. Unless you're younger and in school.
IF THEY MEAN BEFORE ENGAGEMENT, THEN IT'S NOT A TERRIBLE IDEA FOR ANYONE, NOT JUST WOMEN.

- Don't call, email or text him first.
WHY THE HECK NOT?

- Put effort into your appearance
GOOD TIP FOR BOTH GENDERS.


What do you all think? Valid or dumb?

Sorry for the caps. It was the best way to reply to this quote.

2stepz

I'm glad these "rules" aren't laws... if they were I would either a) be a perpetual felon, or b) never have had a date in my life.

1.) No man has EVER approached me in person for a date... successfully or not.

2.) Every date and relationship I have been involved with started on the internet.

3.) Majority of those instances, I have initiated the conversation.

4.) For varying circumstances, I have lived with guys in the two more serious "relationships" for short periods of time. (6 wks and 10 weeks)

For these, and other reasons, I'm giving up on dating until someone decides to approach me... or I get tired of waiting and give up all together.

meshashesha2012

generally speaking i hate The Rules since it misses the point of why some of these things work for some women. it isnt that they are following some set of rules so much as they have fulfilled lives all ready and arent doing things just to trap a man. plus these are naturally things women do who arent putting all their eggs in 1 basket by dating one guy at a time BEFORE any discussion of exclusivity has happened.

for instance if you have a fulfilled life with hobbies, a social life and you're seeing other people then there's hardly any way you could say yes to a spontaneous invite, the relationship pacing will take care of itself because you're not sitting around twiddling your thumbs most days of the week .

but some of the things i do agree with, like if he doesnt call then he's not interested. that seems like a no brainer to me. definitely take pride in your appearance not necessarily because you might attract a man, but because you should always want to look your best.

absolutely dumb rule is waiting for the man to initiate. life is too short for that imo plus some guys are really shy about approaching women. if you see a guy you like and he doesnt see you then i see no reason why you shouldnt go up to him and say hi. if he does see you then go ahead and flash a smile and see if he approaches.

oh another dumb rule is to be unique, i dont even know what that means. i can be MYSELF which in some ways might be seen as unique but in other ways be seen like as i'm just like hundreds of other girls. i see no reason to change who i am just to make myself seem unique.


with that said, i have quite a few friends who have dont OK with this type of game playing but up to a certain point they get lost because they havent been themselves and then they're SO ends up losing interest probably because they arent the same person the guy fell in love with to begin with.

oh i sort of agree with the 2 year thing. IF you want to be married then there's no sense putting more time into a relationship. of course, this is anecdotal, but from all the couples i know who've been happily married for a while, the guy was ready to take the girl off the market within 12-18 months. that doesnt mean they got married in that time, but the question was popped and rings were bought and dates were set.

Carl01

Trying to say that there are constants in interpersonal relationships when (as daily is shown here) every man and woman have different perceptions as to what should be is just stupid.
I view all these things as silly and regarding what is someone eleses opinions as a benchmark is not productive.

flimflamfloz

The two year thing is that you should be engaged by then!

Yes, I think some of them are dumb but a lot of them I agree with. I don't agree with going out even if you don't feel like it. If I'm dragged out, I'm usually pissed and a guy could probably sense that I'm angry and not approach me so it's a waste of my time.

Bah. This tip about going out even if you don't feel like it is actually probably the best of all: the nights you expect to be the worst usually turn out to be the best! Plus you get to meet people and stuff, and you work on your social skills in a different context. Not necessarily for finding a partner though admittedly.

Some of these rules make sense, but really I think most of them are just asking to be broken.

Also, you'd better not be ugly and play by "The Rules", a passive strategy has never worked for those who got the short straw at birth.

Oh, and I still don't understand why women insist on not choosing their partners. Is it not better to pick whoever you want rather than wait for someone to pick you?

flimflamfloz

it isnt that they are following some set of rules so much as they have fulfilled lives all ready and arent doing things just to trap a man.

Very true.

I wasn't going to put it there, but I think basically The Rules say you should appear as a successful/busy person... Then why not simply be that person?
Because when the mask falls, you've got better chances of keeping the man if you actually ARE that person you pretend to be.

This also leads to the "Be yourself" statement: when you truly are "successful" then you can be yourself.
The full sentence should be "Be yourself if you love yourself, work on your shortcomings if not".

oh another dumb rule is to be unique, i dont even know what that means.

Well.

You are unique...
just like everyone else!

Roadie2000

First of all, I don't think Blake Lively needs to follow any rules to get a man. So she somehow used it to "snag" Leonardo, but she's not allowed to approach men or make the first move, so it sounds more like he snagged her. Do married women really worry about if their husbands would have approached them or not for the rest of their lives? Who the F cares?

Also, once a week for the first month, etc. is just plain dumb. Same with the spontaneous invites. If someone gives me two front row tickets to a concert or sporting event and you can't go because you've already reached your 1 date quota for the week, I'll find someone else to go. And if you only want to hang out once or twice a week for two months, I'll assume it's not going anywhere and get bored with you.

Maybe they should just say don't be needy or clingy. That's probably the worst thing you can do. If you have a date on Friday, don't stay until Sunday. I don't want to have to ask you to leave, and if I do I probably won't invite you back over. Don't be overbearing with cuddling or hand holding, it makes me feel suffocated.

Also you shouldn't pursue your doctor or lawyer not only because it's a fantasy relationship, but also because it's unethical to date a client or patient.

Be unique? I hope they explained this a little bit better in the book. To me, everybody is unique, we are like snowflakes. You can't tell someone to be unique, it's like telling them to be somebody other then themselves. And telling everyone to follow the same set of rules is the equivalent of telling them NOT to be unique.

To me following some of these rules is the equivalent to playing games. It is a good idea not to "play" a little hard to get, but to "be" a little hard to get. Big difference. As long as you have somewhat of a life you should already have that covered. I don't want someone that is too available, but I also don't want someone that is too unavailable.

AnnaPixie

I read that book back in the day!! I probably still have it on a shelf somewhere!! :laugh:

I think life and dating has evolved since then. Gender roles have changed somewhat. Women pursue men and men dont mind. That isn't to say its across the board but this book was written way before the term FWB even came into existence, so attitudes have changed a lot for both man and woman.

I think we can safely say it's .......... dated!! :smokin:

DMZ_1

The Rules are definitely game playing for women. Women, if they are physically attractive, have plenty of options for dating. An average looking woman has it easier in dating than a very good looking man (assuming that they are in the same age cohort). It's a matter of weeding down to the right choice.

The biggest rule that is a failure in the rules is the purposeful lack of communication. Women are instructed not to return phone calls, emails, texts, etc. A lot of guys interpreted calls/emails/texts that are not returned as signs of disinterest.

The pacing rule of only seeing each other once a week in the first month is too strict. The overall idea is correct to not see each other too much in the early going is good, but I think every 3-5 days (depending on schedules) is better than once a week.

poncho33

I think it's stupid.... I'd rather like a gal for being herself than doing what a book tells her to do.

oddyogi

It sounds stupid.

Like those books that tell you how to be happy.

Books like these just allow people to be mentally lazy in addition to physically lazy.

"How should I feel? How am I supposed to feel? Well the book told me to feel this way, so that's the way I feel."

I don't know if that makes sense or not but *kitten* is gonna happen, so just let it happen.

...then if it doesn't happen, MAKE it happen.

The best way to predict the future is to create it!

meshashesha2012

i think The Rules are like those PUA books for guys.

i've always wondered what would happen if a Rules girl met up with a PUA guy :laugh:

Carl01

i think The Rules are like those PUA books for guys.

i've always wondered what would happen if a Rules girl met up with a PUA guy :laugh:

What is PUA?

meshashesha2012

i think The Rules are like those PUA books for guys.

i've always wondered what would happen if a Rules girl met up with a PUA guy :laugh:

What is PUA?

pick up artist. it's esentially a set of rules for men on how to make themselves seem more exciting and attractive to women. you get the same problems though because they're doing all the game playing to get a relationship but then once in the relationship they reach that stage where they are afraid to be themselves because it might blow the mask they spent months crafting.

Carl01

i think The Rules are like those PUA books for guys.

i've always wondered what would happen if a Rules girl met up with a PUA guy :laugh:

What is PUA?

Oh geez...guess that shows how incompetant I am in that area.:ohwell:
pick up artist

poncho33

i think The Rules are like those PUA books for guys.

i've always wondered what would happen if a Rules girl met up with a PUA guy :laugh:

What is PUA?

pick up artist. it's esentially a set of rules for men on how to make themselves seem more exciting and attractive to women. you get the same problems though because they're doing all the game playing to get a relationship but then once in the relationship they reach that stage where they are afraid to be themselves because it might blow the mask they spent months crafting.

haha, what?? I see two problems with this, 1. what happens when the girl sobers up and your out of pick up tricks?? 2. It's someone elses tricks... if you don't own it, you can't pull it off.

christine24t

2.) Every date and relationship I have been involved with started on the internet.

They said the internet is fine but he should message you first.

And the rule about "be unique." I was paraphrasing. I took "be unique" as a shortening of the first rule. Here is the real rule:
"Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn't work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on!"

A lot of them I agree with: I won't approach a guy. I definitely won't kiss a guy on the first date or have sex with him for a while. I agree with the pacing. I also agree with the two years rule. Also, I once texted a guy first and I felt like a loser when he didn't say anything back - since I was burned by that, I probably won't text a guy first again. It was so bad.

Natx83

2.) Every date and relationship I have been involved with started on the internet.

A lot of them I agree with: I won't approach a guy. I definitely won't kiss a guy on the first date or have sex with him for a while. I agree with the pacing. I also agree with the two years rule. Also, I once texted a guy first and I felt like a loser when he didn't say anything back - since I was burned by that, I probably won't text a guy first again. It was so bad.

Lol. Good luck with that.

So basically you won't approach a guy and when does and it works out, if he waits around long enough, assuming you make him feel wanted without having sex before you actually do the deed, after 2 years your essentially saying that it would be the limit of the relationship unless he proposed?

If I didn't text a girl ever again just because one didn't write back, I would die old and lonely. Who cares, its one person, I've done it way more times and not heard back from people I've genuinely liked. Don't be a defeatist.