About independence, relationships and dating.

flimflamfloz

Hmmm. Right. It's a bit of a hot topic for me at the moment.

Has anyone felt like it was impossible for them to date a girl/guy because, since they are attracted to this person, they are scared that they might end up with her/him for the rest of their days?
Anyone else has got a panic attack at the idea of losing their independence by being in a relationship? (or some bits of their independence at least?)

I think I value my independance because I like to be able to do what I want, when I want, without having to think twice about it because of some girl (Would any girl be realistically ready to accept that while being in a relationship? No).
Yet, I have fond memories of my past relationships and there are tons of things I miss, so I suspect a part of me would like to be in a relationship.

To be clear:
The problem is that any girl I'm attracted to is basically a potential LTR and the thought of that makes me sick, it feels like too much to handle. I don't feel like I'm ready for a LTR at this time. I think I'm scared to end up with one girl for the rest of my days.

"Simple, don't date then!" you will say. Well... Okay, but what is honestly the likelihood that a relationship with one of these "interesting" girls will evolve into a LTR, and that I will be stuck with the same girl forever? We all know there are many things that can happen before, and that there are many ways for a relationship to fail...
So I'm probably missing on fantastic and **temporary** opportunities with girls I am attracted to (<= sounds like what I want), that wouldn't work out as LTRs.
Well, then I could go with a girl I'm not attracted to then to avoid the LTR dilemma, but when I'm not attracted to a girl, I'm not interested in her. So I'd rather keep my distance.

I can't win, can I? (can't date the girl I'm interested in, can't date the girl I'm not interested in)
Will I be single forever then, and is love at first sight the only way out? (First time I see the girl I know I want to stay with her till the end of my days... I prefer a more practical approach though, I don't really believe in this. Sorry.)

- Did you guys and gals suddenly realised: "Hey, morning! I'm fed up with independence, I now want my LTR"?
- Should I just date and shut up, while enjoying my insanely vast dating pool and supernatural charm? (before I regret I didn't do this earlier). That would probably mean breaking a few hearts along the way, I hope you realise (with my current frame of mind).
- Should I never date because you don't want me to leave this group? (You b*stards!!! :laugh: )

Your thoughts? I know there is a lot to digest...

Katefab26

I'd say date. Have month long relationships, break up when they start to get annoying. :laugh:

This is a hard question, seriously. I have the same issues -- I'm a very independent minded person, and the thought of settling down with anyone is, quite frankly, terrifying. At the same time, I know that if I close myself off completely to the idea of being that close with someone, then a few years down the road, I might very well be wondering why the hell I avoided relationships, even just the ones for having fun (I've usually gone the route of fwb...oh, and I've never considered dating any of them lol). Then again, situations like my BFF a couple weeks ago generally send me running back toward singledom as fast as my legs can take me...which is much faster now that I'm down 30 lbs :laugh:

So, now that I've been completely unhelpful, maybe somebody else will be able to provide words of wisdom...

meshashesha2012

i used to think that and i also used to think i had issues with commitment then i realized it was partially because i wasnt ready for that type relationship yet and partially because i hadnt yet met the right person yet

christine24t

i used to think that and i also used to think i had issues with commitment then i realized it was partially because i wasnt ready for that type relationship yet and partially because i hadnt yet met the right person yet

This is kinda how I feel like. The idea of settling down is scary but I think when you meet the right person you will be completely fine with becoming a couple.

Honestly, if I found out a guy was dating was not interested in settling down and was just dating to date, I would be very disappointed. To me, the point of dating is finding someone to settle down with. A relationship has to move forward, and you just can't casually date someone forever, unless you both have an agreement that it is what it is.

You can always date someone and then break up with them later, but if you've had the mindset from the beginning that you would dump them before you got too serious, that kinda sucks for the girl, because she is probably looking for something serious.

And you can always tell a girl you're not looking for something serious, but I think a lot of people twist words and start reading into things. I mean, we even see it on here, with people falling for their FWB or their FWB falling for them, so things can change and just because you tell someone that you're not looking for something serious doesn't mean they won't take it serious.

JanieJack

I'm in no rush to give up my independence, that's for sure! But I actually crave the kind of intimacy that you only get from knowing someone for years. Like 15 years. So I don't see being with the same person as anathema. I hope I find someone who I can actually see being with for a long, long time.

So I guess the trick is to have fun dating until we find someone worth it. As long as your partner is ok with you not wanting to settle down, I don't see a problem in continuing to date. The issue is when someone clearly is looking for a relationship that leads to long term commitment or marriage (which most women are), and we KNOW we aren't going to give that to this person. It's unfair to keep stringing them along.

mrmanmeat

If it's scary, then you haven't met the right person yet. When you do, you'll know.

TheKitsune6

If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. There's nothing to fix. Just chill, go with the flow and enjoy your life.

On that note, Some of what you say sounds very familiar. Have you ever considered you might have anxiety? You like someone and immediately panic about what may or may not come to pass so you do everything you can to avoid it.

More than advice, you need some self reflection. Once you figure that out you can move forward with... whatever you chose to do

Natx83

Maybe your Good Luck Chuck Floz..

Seriously though man, I reckon you need to get back into the swing of it. You are worrying about something that hasnt even happened yet. When you wake up one morning and her toothbrush is in your bathroom, thats when you can start panicking.. But until then if there no alarm bells ringing there is no reason for you to be worried and just go with the flow.

I think you already know what you want to do, but are maybe scared to jump into it

my 2c's :glasses:

Natx83

Ps.. Bro talk : you gotta start somewhere..Might as well break a few hearts. We are almost 30 mate, we are just coming into our peak of awesomeness.. The pinnacle of manhood, we look all distinguished and **** now we arent baby faced ( well at least not you lol) The woman our age are on the down hill turn (according to them) there are many things to be capitalised on here. You could clean up with the ladies, you might break a few hearts, but you get that in the dating game. Its just what happens. Be that guy, that serial dater, you might just find somone you like.

j4nash

If it's scary, then you haven't met the right person yet. When you do, you'll know.

yup

TheKitsune6

Ps.. Bro talk : you gotta start somewhere..Might as well break a few hearts. We are almost 30 mate, we are just coming into our peak of awesomeness.. The pinnacle of manhood, we look all distinguished and **** now we arent baby faced ( well at least not you lol) The woman our age are on the down hill turn (according to them) there are many things to be capitalised on here. You could clean up with the ladies, you might break a few hearts, but you get that in the dating game. Its just what happens. Be that guy, that serial dater, you might just find somone you like.

This whole paragraph made me laugh.

AllanMisner

If it's scary, then you haven't met the right person yet. When you do, you'll know.

Untrue. Even when you've met the right person, you should be scared. When you're scared, you're not careless. When you're scared, you can be brave (in fact bravery is defined by how scared you are and still do it). When you're scared, and you overcome it, you are a hero. Women dig heros.

You could play it safe, twirl around, play. Kiddy pool stuff...

You are in the prime. You can and should have fun (aka break a few hearts), but keep your eyes open for the woman that scares the living hell out of you. The wow-girl.

You'll still be scared sh*tless, but you'll charge in because you can't help yourself.

DMZ_1

I do not fear the loss of my independence.

brewerchick

Here is some validation for you. Yes, I feel the same way. I'm afraid of committment but for different reasons. I'm good at committing to helping others or being there, but even when I bought my car last December, the sales guy said I looked pale and I did feel sick thinking of having a 5 year car loan payment.

Carl01

Whether it is a male or female if you are not dating with the presumption you are looking for a possible LTR have the courtesy to be honest about it with the other person.

I have to say I regard all the talk here at times about what will happen when the "right" person comes along with a mixture of amusement and annoyance.
As another said a few weeks ago it is just another way of clinging to a Prince Charming (or in a guys case Cinderella) fantasy of the perfect person appearing out of nowhere and magically life is perfect.

Relationships take effort but most importantly they take sacrifice,the ability to put the other persons wants above your own and they the same with yours.

If one has a list of wants that all must be met come hell or high water or are looking for gratification of their own desires with no regard or care as to what the other person wants and a willingness to help with that then they need to be honest with themselves and others about it and let the chips fall where they will.
My guess is lots of lonely nights unless there are an equal number of people looking for the same.

oddyogi

And you say we women overanalyze.. hahaha.

My advice is simple: take it a day at a time. Don't spend your whole day thinking about tomorrow. Just think about today.

La_Amazona

I had anxiety attacks in the beginning of this relationship. I kid you not. A couple of times I had little breakdowns in front of Smiley if he did something that irritated me.. not because he irritated me, but because it irritated me that it irritated me.. that meant I was a stupid girlfriend with feelings suddenly. Blah!!!

I kept thinking I was going to break up with him. I kept trying to run but at the same time, I couldn't. I knew it was something special (it is!!!!) and a force kept me right there in his arms. :blushing:

I understand the feeling. I loved loved loved my life before Smiley. I had gotten to a place of complete "I don't give a damn" about what anybody else says about my life. I'm still there.. but with a bf it's a bit different. Still, there are no regrets and am so happy.

I think you should date since obviously you do want to. If the stars line up and you meet the one, I don't think you'll mind giving up your freedom.. or you will but you will do it at your pace. I don't think you'll have a problem.

I don't mean to sound cocky but I think you're over thinking way too much.

ItsCasey

I was afraid of losing my independence and upsetting my routine until I finally figured out what I was looking for in a man. Once I had fully realized that, I was ready to find him and have him in my life.

I think you will always be scared of "the right person" in the sense that you'll know he/she is capable of destroying you, and there's nothing you can do about it. You just have to trust that they won't. But when you find the right person, I don't think you'll be scared to give up your "freedom." I think you will realize she makes you feel like the man you've always wanted to be, and there is plenty of freedom in that.

mrmanmeat

If it's scary, then you haven't met the right person yet. When you do, you'll know.

Untrue. Even when you've met the right person, you should be scared. When you're scared, you're not careless. When you're scared, you can be brave (in fact bravery is defined by how scared you are and still do it). When you're scared, and you overcome it, you are a hero. Women dig heros.

You could play it safe, twirl around, play. Kiddy pool stuff...

You are in the prime. You can and should have fun (aka break a few hearts), but keep your eyes open for the woman that scares the living hell out of you. The wow-girl.

You'll still be scared sh*tless, but you'll charge in because you can't help yourself.

See JQ's response,

"But when you find the right person, I don't think you'll be scared to give up your "freedom."" - That's what I was referring to.

La_Amazona

If it's scary, then you haven't met the right person yet. When you do, you'll know.

Untrue. Even when you've met the right person, you should be scared. When you're scared, you're not careless. When you're scared, you can be brave (in fact bravery is defined by how scared you are and still do it). When you're scared, and you overcome it, you are a hero. Women dig heros.

You could play it safe, twirl around, play. Kiddy pool stuff...

You are in the prime. You can and should have fun (aka break a few hearts), but keep your eyes open for the woman that scares the living hell out of you. The wow-girl.

You'll still be scared sh*tless, but you'll charge in because you can't help yourself.

Love this!

r1ghtpath

i say have fun!! date, don't take it all too seriously! you don't have to be on the quest for THE ONE. find someone that you enjoy spending time with, then spend some time with them. HAVE FUN!!!

i have no desire to give up my independence. for a couple months back in the fall i thought i might want to get married again. ( it was a very brief period that i felt like this). i don't now though. i don't want to live with someone, and i don't want to get married again. i don't want to try and MESH my life with someone else. i'm ok dating, but it's not going to go past that. at least not now it's not.

i'm not avoiding meeting people and having fun because i don't want a relationship analogous to marriage. i'm not afraid to fall in love even! i just know that currently it's not going to lead to living together or getting married. if you aren't interested in settling down, don't :-)

dbrightwell1270

I am an economist who does a lot of cost benefit analysis for my job so my view is consistent with everything else. A relationship involves tradeoffs. You give up a certain amount of independence (a cost), presumably you gain access to a person that makes your life better (a benefit). There is chance that you make a bad or suboptimal choice and miss out on other girls (risk=cost). Accountability to another person can have both costs and benefits. You can feel like you are being suffocated or even if you know you are doing the right thing you hate feeling compelled to do it. It can also lead you to make better decisions that improve your life - eat better, drive safer, work harder and advance professionally more than you otherwise would. After considering all the tradeoffs, do it when benefits are perceived to be greater than costs. Don't do it otherwise.

JanieJack

I am an economist who does a lot of cost benefit analysis for my job so my view is consistent with everything else. A relationship involves tradeoffs. You give up a certain amount of independence (a cost), presumably you gain access to a person that makes your life better (a benefit). There is chance that you make a bad or suboptimal choice and miss out on other girls (risk=cost). Accountability to another person can have both costs and benefits. You can feel like you are being suffocated or even if you know you are doing the right thing you hate feeling compelled to do it. It can also lead you to make better decisions that improve your life - eat better, drive safer, work harder and advance professionally more than you otherwise would. After considering all the tradeoffs, do it when benefits are perceived to be greater than costs. Don't do it otherwise.

Nice!

yoovie

commitment and long term relationships and the potential for marriage scares the love out of me.

I am so terrified that I wont be allowed to stay out all night with my friends anymore, do the things I love by myself or with other friends without him, flirt, drink, leave spontaneously, visit other countries alone, have guy friends, have personal goals and ambitions, move for an awesome job, stay here in the city if I want to, dress how I want, cook what I want to eat, and a million other things. I like having my own room, my own bed, my own bathroom mess. I like having only my own laundry and dishes and dont want to be someone's servant jsut because I gave them my heart.

I dont want to spend my life compromising out of love only to end up being old news when he leaves me for the next shiny new toy.

I cant even say I love you because Im so goddamned terrified that saying it out loud is the same thing as saying, I care about you so much that I just dont matter anymore.

yoovie

i say have fun!! date, don't take it all too seriously! you don't have to be on the quest for THE ONE. find someone that you enjoy spending time with, then spend some time with them. HAVE FUN!!!

BUT WHAT I I ACCIDENTALLY FREAKING MARRY THAT FUN DUDE. MY LIFE IS OVER!

mrmanmeat

commitment and long term relationships and the potential for marriage scares the love out of me.

I am so terrified that I wont be allowed to stay out all night with my friends anymore, do the things I love by myself or with other friends without him, flirt, drink, leave spontaneously, visit other countries alone, have guy friends, have personal goals and ambitions, move for an awesome job, stay here in the city if I want to, dress how I want, cook what I want to eat, and a million other things. I like having my own room, my own bed, my own bathroom mess. I like having only my own laundry and dishes and dont want to be someone's servant jsut because I gave them my heart.

I dont want to spend my life compromising out of love only to end up being old news when he leaves me for the next shiny new toy.

I cant even say I love you because Im so goddamned terrified that saying it out loud is the same thing as saying, I care about you so much that I just dont matter anymore.

You'll get over those phases. They get old very quickly.

yo_andi

commitment and long term relationships and the potential for marriage scares the love out of me.

I am so terrified that I wont be allowed to stay out all night with my friends anymore, do the things I love by myself or with other friends without him, flirt, drink, leave spontaneously, visit other countries alone, have guy friends, have personal goals and ambitions, move for an awesome job, stay here in the city if I want to, dress how I want, cook what I want to eat, and a million other things. I like having my own room, my own bed, my own bathroom mess. I like having only my own laundry and dishes and dont want to be someone's servant jsut because I gave them my heart.

I dont want to spend my life compromising out of love only to end up being old news when he leaves me for the next shiny new toy.

I cant even say I love you because Im so goddamned terrified that saying it out loud is the same thing as saying, I care about you so much that I just dont matter anymore.

This is me too. I already got too damned close to marrying the wrong person once (and just paid the last of the credit card bills related to the canceled wedding last week!) So while I understand the concept of tradeoffs and compromise and give and take and all of that practical stuff... I am still terrified. And I need to completely relearn how to trust my judgment. Because I failed myself once, see?

In the end, it's really more about trusting yourself to make the right decision. Some of us just have a difficult time doing that.

yoovie

commitment and long term relationships and the potential for marriage scares the love out of me.

I am so terrified that I wont be allowed to stay out all night with my friends anymore, do the things I love by myself or with other friends without him, flirt, drink, leave spontaneously, visit other countries alone, have guy friends, have personal goals and ambitions, move for an awesome job, stay here in the city if I want to, dress how I want, cook what I want to eat, and a million other things. I like having my own room, my own bed, my own bathroom mess. I like having only my own laundry and dishes and dont want to be someone's servant jsut because I gave them my heart.

I dont want to spend my life compromising out of love only to end up being old news when he leaves me for the next shiny new toy.

I cant even say I love you because Im so goddamned terrified that saying it out loud is the same thing as saying, I care about you so much that I just dont matter anymore.

You'll get over those phases. They get old very quickly.

GOING ON 9 YEARS.

yoovie

commitment and long term relationships and the potential for marriage scares the love out of me.

I am so terrified that I wont be allowed to stay out all night with my friends anymore, do the things I love by myself or with other friends without him, flirt, drink, leave spontaneously, visit other countries alone, have guy friends, have personal goals and ambitions, move for an awesome job, stay here in the city if I want to, dress how I want, cook what I want to eat, and a million other things. I like having my own room, my own bed, my own bathroom mess. I like having only my own laundry and dishes and dont want to be someone's servant jsut because I gave them my heart.

I dont want to spend my life compromising out of love only to end up being old news when he leaves me for the next shiny new toy.

I cant even say I love you because Im so goddamned terrified that saying it out loud is the same thing as saying, I care about you so much that I just dont matter anymore.

This is me too. I already got too damned close to marrying the wrong person once (and just paid the last of the credit card bills related to the canceled wedding last week!) So while I understand the concept of tradeoffs and compromise and give and take and all of that practical stuff... I am still terrified. And I need to completely relearn how to trust my judgment. Because I failed myself once, see?

In the end, it's really more about trusting yourself to make the right decision. Some of us just have a difficult time doing that.

Yeah, Ive called off two weddings now and thought it wouldnt be fair for me to date anymore at all after the last one in the early 2000's. Ive recently started dating someone (i use this term loosely as its only been two months) and the only reason I feel safe is that this situation is because he isas independent as I am and the only thing we answer to each other for is our workouts.

Doreen_Murray

Free bird!

Nothing worse than being in a relationship where you feel suffocated. Right now, I got no profile up, I'm killing it on my squats, do what I want when I want (when not parenting of course), and everything feels like gravy. I hope whoever disrupts my happy gravy place is a sexy power lifter!

Two free birds are better than one??? Tricky balance without butting heads, but I headbutting!

mrmanmeat

The lady I'm currently talking to, we've discussed a few things. I can honestly say that with her I don't feel like I'm going to lose my freedom with her in my life.