How long is too long...?
Replies
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You're not alone. It's been 5ish years since my last meaningful relationship with random failures along the way. Doesn't mean you or I are broken in any way, just keep on going and it'll happen.0
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I have a few health problems which can be annoying for some guys (eg. food allergies, hormonal issues - currently I'm infertile, etc.) so that doesn't help me out much.
I would just like to suggest something, if you're not already doing it. You don't have to tell men you're starting to date this stuff right away. You don't owe anyone that "I'm infertile" talk on the first date. Wait to share that big stuff until you are starting to get serious. Who knows, maybe you aren't telling people, but if you are, stop.
Allergies I have to advise upfront. Or I look like a fussy freak when eating out.
I told a guy about my hormonal issues after 8 months... He got a new girl the next week.0 -
However, I'm not comfortable with how you've lumped "misogynist" and "feminazi" in the same sentence, as if these terms are somehow equally valid (or equally to be condemned). One is illustrative (although perhaps not applicable - that is the debate!), the other is simply pejorative.
So down with this statement, but it kind of takes the debate out of whether suggesting plastic surgery is misogyny if the person making the suggestion also used the term "feminazi."0 -
However, I'm not comfortable with how you've lumped "misogynist" and "feminazi" in the same sentence, as if these terms are somehow equally valid (or equally to be condemned). One is illustrative (although perhaps not applicable - that is the debate!), the other is simply pejorative.
So down with this statement, but it kind of takes the debate out of whether suggesting plastic surgery is misogyny if the person making the suggestion also used the term "feminazi."
Yeah, fair point.
I was more addressing the issue of how many look for "middle ground" and consensus to end the debate, hoping everyone will just get along. So the truth is always "somewhere in the middle," or "both sides" need to calm down, etc., etc.
Sometimes it's valid, more often than not it's just intellectual laziness. I would say that equating the terms "misogyny" and "feminazi" is the latter.
--P0 -
I moved to Sydney 1.5 years ago for work and my social circle here is quite small and they are mostly married and older, so there aren't really many social situations where I can (or do) meet guys (or at least ones I'm attracted to and find interesting). I don't fancy hanging out in a pub alone (not safe for myself) and I don't meet guys at the gym... I also work with older people (all married with kids) so not many options there...
Already offered to be your wingman even if it means going to karaoke, lol.. If I have some fun event to go to that you may enjoy I'll let you know. Getting there is a good first step
PS - You gotta be my wing too, especially if WH is single and around, lol.0 -
It's terribly clichéd 'girl advice' which I usually dislike - but he certainly wasn't the right one for you, then!I told a guy about my hormonal issues after 8 months... He got a new girl the next week.
Know plenty of people that accept all sorts of things from their partners, a lot more extreme than you describe.
If they are only with you because they want to have kids, or whatever
Oh and some advice I was given some years ago that still stands I reckon; get a hobby.
Unfortunately I tend to do more male-centric things, so not so great, but if you were to do any of them, there would be plenty of selections of blokes happy to chat to you in an informal non-pub environment.
Ie, recently been doing a lot of indoor climbing and despite being shy will happily chat to random attractive women* who are struggling on something I've done, or just as often have done something I'm struggling on. *As well as plenty of other people, but in 'the real world' I generally find I have problems just going up to women I like and talking to them.
Similarly, mountain biking, motorbiking, running and many other sports etc.0 -
I have a few health problems which can be annoying for some guys (eg. food allergies, hormonal issues - currently I'm infertile, etc.) so that doesn't help me out much.
I would just like to suggest something, if you're not already doing it. You don't have to tell men you're starting to date this stuff right away. You don't owe anyone that "I'm infertile" talk on the first date. Wait to share that big stuff until you are starting to get serious. Who knows, maybe you aren't telling people, but if you are, stop.
Allergies I have to advise upfront. Or I look like a fussy freak when eating out.
I told a guy about my hormonal issues after 8 months... He got a new girl the next week.
I'm sorry to hear that - clearly that guy was a jerk. Something we all have to deal with is how not to assume the next person is going to be the same as the last, so just remember that not all guys will bolt like that. I'm also wondering if this fear that other guys will leave quickly is holding you back from getting too invested?
Plus, perhaps there is a middle ground between telling someone on the first date and 8 months in? You have nothing emotionally invested on the first date, but you probably do after 3+ months in an exclusive relationship.0 -
Yeah, this please.Plus, perhaps there is a middle ground between telling someone on the first date and 8 months in? You have nothing emotionally invested on the first date, but you probably do after 3+ months in an exclusive relationship.
I'm thinking that I'm probably a jerk too though, because I would dump a girl who didn't tell me these kind of things before the 8 months mark.
Yep, scary eh? I would feel betrayed if I learnt that so late in the relationship.0 -
I have a few health problems which can be annoying for some guys (eg. food allergies, hormonal issues - currently I'm infertile, etc.)
You don't owe anyone that "I'm infertile" talk on the first date.
I told a guy about my hormonal issues after 8 months.
Maybe not the first date, but I wouldn't go beyond a 3rd date without telling a guy I'm infertile. If he wants to have kids by his own seed (and contrary to popular belief many guys DO want to have children), then you have just wasted 8 months of his life.
I’ve lost 4 babies. I have no desire to have more children beyond the one surviving. I may not tell a guy this on the first date, because ALL guys under a certain age tell a woman they like that they want to have kids. It’s what you tell women or else they won’t think of you as marriage material. And if she doesn’t think of you as marriage material you won’t get a 2nd date.
But if the man wants to date me and seriously wants to have his own kids than that is a convo I have with them by at least date 3. I’m open to adoption. I’m even open to having a surrogate. But I am not putting myself through that again.:noway: I’ve had guys keep going out with me but that’s one thing they couldn’t get past, because they didn’t want to just rear MY son, they wanted one of their own blood.0 -
I have a few health problems which can be annoying for some guys (eg. food allergies, hormonal issues - currently I'm infertile, etc.)
You don't owe anyone that "I'm infertile" talk on the first date.
I told a guy about my hormonal issues after 8 months.
Maybe not the first date, but I wouldn't go beyond a 3rd date without telling a guy I'm infertile. If he wants to have kids by his own seed (and contrary to popular belief many guys DO want to have children), then you have just wasted 8 months of his life.
I’ve lost 4 babies. I have no desire to have more children beyond the one surviving. I may not tell a guy this on the first date, because ALL guys under a certain age tell a woman they like that they want to have kids. It’s what you tell women or else they won’t think of you as marriage material. And if she doesn’t think of you as marriage material you won’t get a 2nd date.
But if the man wants to date me and seriously wants to have his own kids than that is a convo I have with them by at least date 3. I’m open to adoption. I’m even open to having a surrogate. But I am not putting myself through that again.:noway: I’ve had guys keep going out with me but that’s one thing they couldn’t get past, because they didn’t want to just rear MY son, they wanted one of their own blood.
She said that she is currently infertile. Currently infertile does not mean future infertility. So I am not sure that discussion is even warranted in a short term. The OP knows her health situation better than we do.
There are men out there that do not want children and would be happy with someone who is unable to bear children.
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.0 -
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.0 -
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
I feel that way too and this thinking motivates my process. I don't want to be a 45 year old single with no children having to deal with a pool of singles with children from a past relationship. I don't want to raise a woman's biological child that was produced by someone else.
To me, it is important to find someone now and build the life that we desire based on what is important to us when the pool of eligible singles is largest. The pool of singles first starts to shrink in late 20s and keeps getting smaller from then on out from my vantage point.0 -
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P0 -
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P
There have been many many here that have deal breakers far less (in a relative sense) important then that as well as ladies saying absolutely not to a man with children.
I don`t see this as all that unusual.
As for myself I would not call it a deal breaker because as I have said before given my age it is more likely then not.
However each situation would be an individual thing regarding number of children,age,situation with an ex,deportment and so on.
More then a fair consideration for everyone.0 -
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P
This is the best. So true. I don't have kids but reading a lot of the men on here saying that they don't want to raise someone else's child is heartbreaking. If you don't want children it is one other thing completely to say you would have children but you don't want any part in raising another mans child? Think about it - you could end up having a positive impact on the child, and the child could have an impact on you. You all are thinking about negatives when actually there are many positives to the situation. You're not just getting a girlfriend, you're being welcomed into a family.
I would date a man with kids. Absolutely. In fact I think it says a lot about character that you are able to emotionally, physically and financially able to support your family.0 -
Thank you! I used to think like DM and Mike but my current girlfriend has 2 kids and an a-hole ex, but it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, it's been amazing. Her kids are really cool and fun to hang with, but when the ex has them we still get to go out and have fun. I'm pretty happy even though she's not a wealthy supermodel.
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P
I've kind of realized that things don't always work out the way you expect them to, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to play with the cards your dealt and make the most of it.0 -
There have been many many here that have deal breakers far less (in a relative sense) important then that as well as ladies saying absolutely not to a man with children.
I don`t see this as all that unusual.
As for myself I would not call it a deal breaker because as I have said before given my age it is more likely then not.
However each situation would be an individual thing regarding number of children,age,situation with an ex,deportment and so on.
More then a fair consideration for everyone.
The voice of reason. Thank you Carl.
Women will discount a man if he's a few inches too short or if he has a slightly funny voice. I think eliminating women for consideration because they have a child is a MUCH more valid reason.
A lot of it is self entitlement from women out there. Many think that they count out a man because of some minor physical or personality flaws.. and then they get all bent out of shape if a man turns the tables and tosses them aside because of something major, like a children. That logic is absolutely flooring.0 -
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P
Lol, be fair P, he did lead with "amazing personality" even though obviously that's not what keeps men up at night day dreaming.
To be fair (myself) I don't think it's one of those things that is an immediate disqualifier (however it may be presented), it's just a preference. I myself would prefer to not date a guy with kids because I am not ready to fit children into my life. But if I meet an awesome dude and he has kids well... we'll see where it goes.0 -
Thank you! I used to think like DM and Mike but my current girlfriend has 2 kids and an a-hole ex, but it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, it's been amazing. Her kids are really cool and fun to hang with, but when the ex has them we still get to go out and have fun. I'm pretty happy even though she's not a wealthy supermodel.Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P
I've kind of realized that things don't always work out the way you expect them to, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to play with the cards your dealt and make the most of it.
Whew! Glad to hear that there are at least a few guys out there who know that life isn't always what we expect it should be... Guys who are flexible about what life has to offer are actually a huge turn on to women, so that's a good lesson to learn earlier rather than later in regard to all kinds of relationship issues!
I think it's ok to have a preference to not date someone with kids, but to make it an absolute is just limiting yourself (and your happiness) more than it needs to be.0 -
Thank you! I used to think like DM and Mike but my current girlfriend has 2 kids and an a-hole ex, but it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, it's been amazing. Her kids are really cool and fun to hang with, but when the ex has them we still get to go out and have fun. I'm pretty happy even though she's not a wealthy supermodel.
I've kind of realized that things don't always work out the way you expect them to, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to play with the cards your dealt and make the most of it.
I don’t think anyone could argue that it’s great that you came to the place where you opened up to dating someone with kids. Clearly, that’s worked well for you and has allowed you to meet a great person.
I’m just not sure why everyone seems to think others should be expected to do the same thing? It’s their choice, right? Even though I am willing to date someone with kids, it’s really not what I’d prefer, as many others have shared on here. Why would a parent WANT to date someone who wasn’t comfortable with children in general?
To say that everyone should be open to dating someone with kids strikes me that I should also be able to say that every man out there should be willing to date an obese woman because they may have an amazing personality, money, etc… Just how much money is it worth to date a larger person? I’m sure none of us want that answer?
Why is one characteristic more acceptable than another to filter on or off IRL or online? If you’re searching for someone online, it’s just another check of the button to be open to someone with a car, someone with a job, someone above 5’7”, below 200 lbs, and yes, even with or without kids. Whether it’s online or not, isn’t that how most people filter IRL too?!
Isn’t it awesome that each of us gets to choose what we find important, both as the one searching and responding? None of us HAS to date someone with kids, or we ALL can. It’d be great if we were all open to the possibilities, but none of us HAS to be.0 -
There have been many many here that have deal breakers far less (in a relative sense) important then that as well as ladies saying absolutely not to a man with children.
I don`t see this as all that unusual.
As for myself I would not call it a deal breaker because as I have said before given my age it is more likely then not.
However each situation would be an individual thing regarding number of children,age,situation with an ex,deportment and so on.
More then a fair consideration for everyone.
The voice of reason. Thank you Carl.
Women will discount a man if he's a few inches too short or if he has a slightly funny voice. I think eliminating women for consideration because they have a child is a MUCH more valid reason.
A lot of it is self entitlement from women out there. Many think that they count out a man because of some minor physical or personality flaws.. and then they get all bent out of shape if a man turns the tables and tosses them aside because of something major, like a children. That logic is absolutely flooring.
Ok so I agree with Mike here. I have 2 kids and I've never had a problem dating. My kids spend 50/50 time so a guy would have to be able to handle that (luckly my ex is kinda like a puppy- you know hes dumb but hes just so sweet you cant hit him with a newspaper and he is really friendly). Its NOT fair to expect every guy to be able to handle that. I had one guy that I was kinda into and I was told he didnt date women with kids. So I put him in the friend catagory. Later on he told me that wasnt true he didnt usually date women with children.. I would date men with children though none of the men I ever seem to attract have kids. Many of the guys who I am friends with have no interest in having there own kids. Also I am pretty upfront about the fact that I dont want anymore kids. I am pretty much 75% sure and every year that % increase by 5 lol..
But you cant get down on a guy because he doesnt want to deal with a women with kids.. Thats his right.0 -
Thank you! I used to think like DM and Mike but my current girlfriend has 2 kids and an a-hole ex, but it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, it's been amazing. Her kids are really cool and fun to hang with, but when the ex has them we still get to go out and have fun. I'm pretty happy even though she's not a wealthy supermodel.
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P
I've kind of realized that things don't always work out the way you expect them to, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to play with the cards your dealt and make the most of it.
It seems to be a matter of open to possibilities or closed to possibilities. Congratulations on being open enough to find potential love-that's awesome!
I'd never begrudge someone their right to filter potential partners, but in the quotes above- it sort of has an objectification that does seem like ordering pizza.
I tend to only want to date men 40+ who do have children, but I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable saying "If he were childless and 35- I'd only consider him if he drove a Porsche a had a huge..." That would make me seem like an *kitten*. It sort of adds to the jerkiness when people with a lot of social capital (young white guys) make discounting statements about people with less social capital (single moms).
Additionally, there was a statement about "usually men are not enthused to rear another person's child, and I think most guys would be more comfortable with adoption..." I really don't think that using "usually" and "I think" are qualifiers that neutralize that one person is making huge generalizations about all men on these issues. I understand that that's how internet forums work, but I'd be more careful about speaking for myself on stuff like adoption and blended families.0 -
I have a few health problems which can be annoying for some guys (eg. food allergies, hormonal issues - currently I'm infertile, etc.)
You don't owe anyone that "I'm infertile" talk on the first date.
I told a guy about my hormonal issues after 8 months.
Maybe not the first date, but I wouldn't go beyond a 3rd date without telling a guy I'm infertile. If he wants to have kids by his own seed (and contrary to popular belief many guys DO want to have children), then you have just wasted 8 months of his life.
I’ve lost 4 babies. I have no desire to have more children beyond the one surviving. I may not tell a guy this on the first date, because ALL guys under a certain age tell a woman they like that they want to have kids. It’s what you tell women or else they won’t think of you as marriage material. And if she doesn’t think of you as marriage material you won’t get a 2nd date.
But if the man wants to date me and seriously wants to have his own kids than that is a convo I have with them by at least date 3. I’m open to adoption. I’m even open to having a surrogate. But I am not putting myself through that again.:noway: I’ve had guys keep going out with me but that’s one thing they couldn’t get past, because they didn’t want to just rear MY son, they wanted one of their own blood.
She said that she is currently infertile. Currently infertile does not mean future infertility. So I am not sure that discussion is even warranted in a short term. The OP knows her health situation better than we do.
There are men out there that do not want children and would be happy with someone who is unable to bear children.
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
Correct. Currently. It can be fixed with medication if it is still happening when/if I want kids. I didn't tell the guy of 8 months I was infertile until I had a diagnosis. I was not aware up until that point.0 -
Correct. Currently. It can be fixed with medication if it is still happening when/if I want kids. I didn't tell the guy of 8 months I was infertile until I had a diagnosis. I was not aware up until that point.
If that is true, I don't think you have to say anything until the subject of having kids comes up.0 -
Thank you! I used to think like DM and Mike but my current girlfriend has 2 kids and an a-hole ex, but it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, it's been amazing. Her kids are really cool and fun to hang with, but when the ex has them we still get to go out and have fun. I'm pretty happy even though she's not a wealthy supermodel.
Men are usually not enthused about rearing a child that they did not produce, especially when the original father is somewhere in the picture, no matter how peripheral he is. I think the average guy would be more open to the option of adopting a child together with a woman than rearing her biological child from her past relationship. With an adoption, it was a mutual decision.
THIS!
There are always exceptions, however, I would be extremely hesitant to date a women under the age of 35 who has children. She'd have to make up for it in many other ways (amazing personality, money, incredibly beautiful, etc).
Later on in life (45+), it's almost expected that most single people have children from a past marriage or relationship.
Sounds like you two are ordering a pizza: pepperoni, absolutely no mushrooms, extra cheese, but only if its mozzarella or I'm sending it back. Not sure love is supposed to work that way.
So a wonderful woman with a kid is out, because you don't want to deal with an ex? Even though the kid shares half her DNA? And means the world to the woman, whom you supposedly love?
Oh, sorry. Unless, of course, she can "make up for it in many other ways..." Like "money". Do you have a number in mind? I suppose it goes up if she has two kids?
--P
I've kind of realized that things don't always work out the way you expect them to, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to play with the cards your dealt and make the most of it.
Did someone say pizza?
I usually think grocery list, but the same deal applies. While I do think it's important to have definite deal-breakers on the important stuff like children, I just don't understand the concept of letting other things (money, personality) compensate. It seems like a pretty clear-cut thing to me. How are you supposed to know that she has a uniquely amazing personality if you are using online dating? Exclusion of matches with children would be automatic, wouldn't it? Let's be honest here - we really are only talking about physical beauty here as a qualifier if it's online dating- swinging for the fence at those 10s who have a 'liability' like children.
It's nice to see someone like Roadie become more open about this sort of thing because it is a reality of getting older and being single. Not that I have children, but my brother is now in a relationship with a great woman with two children. I think he has always wanted his own family, but things never worked out with his past girlfriends because he really knows how to pick 'em, if you know what I mean. I think my brother is happy now because he opened himself up to more possibilities than he would have a few years ago.
I think it's within reason to expect that younger singles are looking for someone to create a new family and would be less inclined to seek matches with children already. I only see being inflexible about this as a problem in severely limiting someone's dating pool once they get older (maybe late 30s).0 -
I agree. That doesn't sound like "infertility" in the sense that you have no capacity to have children. Many people will have difficulties having children and won't know until they try. You at least have an awareness of measures that will need to be taken. I don't know your situation obviously, and I'm not asking because that's a very personal thing, but I think you could just leave it out as a real diagnosis of "infertility" is given after a full year of a couple trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant. If you haven't done that, you can quite honestly not consider yourself infertile and just know that you will need assistance in the department in the future to correct the issue. I think there's no need to disclose this to partners really until you are considering trying.Correct. Currently. It can be fixed with medication if it is still happening when/if I want kids. I didn't tell the guy of 8 months I was infertile until I had a diagnosis. I was not aware up until that point.
If that is true, I don't think you have to say anything until the subject of having kids comes up.0 -
Correct. Currently. It can be fixed with medication if it is still happening when/if I want kids. I didn't tell the guy of 8 months I was infertile until I had a diagnosis. I was not aware up until that point.
If that is true, I don't think you have to say anything until the subject of having kids comes up.
If OP didn't *know* about the infertility until 8 months in, that's a different story.
But even if it supposedly can be "fixed" with meds later, I still think now that you know this, you owe it to tell someone before you get serious. After all, the only guarantee is that you are infertile. Meds aren't a guarantee.
"But then a bunch of guys won't date me."
Maybe. But the right one will.
I could be overreacting- especially since my ex has a disease in his family that cripples from an early age and skips a generation (his). I didn’t find out it was genetic until after we were married. He told me his mom was just a rare case. Being military, we didn’t go home much so it wasn’t til years later that I found out that many in his mom’s generation had the disease. When I asked him why he told me it wasn’t genetic when it obviously was, he told me “because if I told you the truth you wouldn’t have married me.”
You’re darn right I wouldn’t have. I wanted a family. Not a family full of kids who would be crippled in their 20s. Then I found out that many of his father’s family is mental. As in we visited them in an asylum. I pray that the power of the Holy Ghost will break these generational curses so it WON’T affect my son, but had I full knowledge of his family medical background, I would NOT have chosen to have kids by this man.
Of course, this is my opinion and opinions are like noses: everyone has one.0 -
I think this is an over-reaction (that the OP should tell her potential partners that she is infertile) based on something else entirely unless she actually meets the definition of infertility. Seriously, it is this:Correct. Currently. It can be fixed with medication if it is still happening when/if I want kids. I didn't tell the guy of 8 months I was infertile until I had a diagnosis. I was not aware up until that point.
If that is true, I don't think you have to say anything until the subject of having kids comes up.
If OP didn't *know* about the infertility until 8 months in, that's a different story.
But even if it supposedly can be "fixed" with meds later, I still think now that you know this, you owe it to tell someone before you get serious. After all, the only guarantee is that you are infertile. Meds aren't a guarantee.
"But then a bunch of guys won't date me."
Maybe. But the right one will.
I could be overreacting- especially since my ex has a disease in his family that cripples from an early age and skips a generation (his). I didn’t find out it was genetic until after we were married. He told me his mom was just a rare case. Being military, we didn’t go home much so it wasn’t til years later that I found out that many in his mom’s generation had the disease. When I asked him why he told me it wasn’t genetic when it obviously was, he told me “because if I told you the truth you wouldn’t have married me.”
You’re darn right I wouldn’t have. I wanted a family. Not a family full of kids who would be crippled in their 20s. Then I found out that many of his father’s family is mental. As in we visited them in an asylum. I pray that the power of the Holy Ghost will break these generational curses so it WON’T affect my son, but had I full knowledge of his family medical background, I would NOT have chosen to have kids by this man.
Of course, this is my opinion and opinions are like noses: everyone has one.
Infertility is the failure of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year. In primary infertility, pregnancy has never occurred. In secondary infertility, one or both members of the couple have previously conceived, but are unable to conceive again after a full year of trying.
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/infertility
If she hasn't tried for a year, I would say that she shares that she has some condition that will make pregnancy a challenge and require medication and monitoring. but to tell her partner that she is infertile is really blowing it out of proportion without real evidence that she can't conceive. Her diagnosis actually sounds like it's a workable problem that just might have some financial burden to it (for medical treatment). Dating and relationships are hard enough as it is without disclosing something about ourselves as more negative than it is.0 -
Everyone has their preferences. No problem with that. I have mine, too.
I have no problem with the statement, "I prefer to date women with no kids." Or "I prefer tall, muscular men," or whatever.
I do have issues with speaking in absolutes when it comes to relationships, especially when combined with a very cold, calculating approach to the entire filtering process. It seems to be overly superficial, and detached from reality.
For example, if you are terrible with kids, if you don't like kids, if you know you'll make a terrible parent, of course it's fine to say you would prefer to date a person with no kids, and who doesn't want kids, and there is almost no way you're going to change your mind on this. Makes perfect sense.
But to say, "I'll only date tan, fit women from 23 - 34 with no kids, although I'll adjust that to 30 - 40 and allow one kid under 5 years old if she is rich and has large breasts" strikes me as absurd. Is that how people think now?
Again, I'm wondering how much on-line dating - with its hard filtering process - is changing the way we think about relationships. Just note the stress here in deciding which body type to be on-line. We have reduced the infinite complexity of the individual to a check list of simplification and generalization. And now we're even thinking this way off-line when we look for mates. I think it's gone past what was typical 20 years ago. And I do believe it is changing us for the worse.
The world exists in analog. We have mapped it to digital. But what have we lost in the process?
--P0 -
Everyone has their preferences. No problem with that. I have mine, too.
I have no problem with the statement, "I prefer to date women with no kids." Or "I prefer tall, muscular men," or whatever.
I do have issues with speaking in absolutes when it comes to relationships, especially when combined with a very cold, calculating approach to the entire filtering process. It seems to be overly superficial, and detached from reality.
For example, if you are terrible with kids, if you don't like kids, if you know you'll make a terrible parent, of course it's fine to say you would prefer to date a person with no kids, and who doesn't want kids, and there is almost no way you're going to change your mind on this. Makes perfect sense.
But to say, "I'll only date tan, fit women from 23 - 34 with no kids, although I'll adjust that to 30 - 40 and allow one kid under 5 years old if she is rich and has large breasts" strikes me as absurd. Is that how people think now?
Again, I'm wondering how much on-line dating - with its hard filtering process - is changing the way we think about relationships. Just note the stress here in deciding which body type to be on-line. We have reduced the infinite complexity of the individual to a check list of simplification and generalization. And now we're even thinking this way off-line when we look for mates. I think it's gone past what was typical 20 years ago. And I do believe it is changing us for the worse.
The world exists in analog. We have mapped it to digital. But what have we lost in the process?
--P
Very well said.0
