Is what you're doing NOW working?
Replies
-
I'm not sure I really like this question. The idea of evaluating whether it is "working" is difficult. For one, what is considered a success? I imagine you are only looking for one ideal match. If there is a 1 in 100 probability of meeting that match, when is your approach a failure? Is it when you've gone on 30 first dates that haven't panned out? How about 40 dates? What about 100? Is it a failure when guys look at you online and say "she isn't even worth killing time with until someone better comes along?" You'd get attention but you may very well miss out on the right person.
In poker jargon, there is a lot of temptation to apply Results Oriented Thinking (ROT). ROT is not a good thing. You make bad decisions when you say "the last two times I had kings, my opponent had aces and I lost. Therefore I should not try to get all my money in the pot as soon as possible with kings." The correct thought should be "the last two times I had kings, I ran into an opponent with aces. I got my money in the pot quickly and lost. What are the probabilities that opponents with weaker hands are willing to go all in preflop? What are the probabilites of my hand holding up when they do? What is the expected value of this approach? Is there a better approach that yields a higher expected payout?"
Here are a few probabilites for you:
If the probability of success is 1% then it takes 230 attempts to reach the point where the probaility of failure is less than 10%
If the probability of success is 1% then it takes 459 attempts to reach the point where the probaility of failure is less than 1%
If the probability of success is 5% then it takes 45 attempts to reach the point where the probaility of failure is less than 10%
If the probability of success is 5% then it takes 90 attempts to reach the point where the probaility of failure is less than 1%
Do you know what your chances of success are?
If the probability of success is 5% then it takes 45 attempts to reach the point where the probaility of failure is less than 10%
This would all be gravy if we were dating robots with no whimsy, moods or spontaneous surges of courage or cowardice.
My chances of success are how interesting I am + how funny I am + my personality x his personality - the difference between our respective brands of crazy + mutual attraction x 10 + hygeine + game + charm + body type + X factor - bad timing + good timing / chance meeting
once you plug in all the numbers in your formaula if it comes to 1% or 5%, then you have an idea of how many trials you could expect until the probability that no dates met them was less than 10% and less than 1%.
More importantly, the point is that with all the randomness how do you now that your approach is working or isn't working versus it being the right approach and you are just getting unlucky or that it was a bad approach and you happened to get lucky? Focusing on the results may not be enough to tell.
There are no numbers in my formula. Everyone I date meets that formula or we arent on a date.
I know its working because:
I always make it to the fifth date at least and after that its usually me that loses interest. Its not about luck- its about understanding who is in YOUR dating pool and how to recognize YOUR pool from the pool you WISH was yours.0 -
Isn't the answer to this question ultimately no if we're not in successful, established relationships? What answers could be legitimately expected?
Wow...You never cease to amaze me with your condescending *kitten* attitude. It is not surprising to me at all that you are single, with the way you speak to others on this forum.
Oh please! He was merely asking a question here... Do we really need to resort to name calling?0 -
Isn't the answer to this question ultimately no if we're not in successful, established relationships? What answers could be legitimately expected?
Wow...You never cease to amaze me with your condescending *kitten* attitude. It is not surprising to me at all that you are single, with the way you speak to others on this forum.
Oh please! He was merely asking a question here... Do we really need to resort to name calling?
Sure, but only if it's accurate. Haha0 -
Isn't the answer to this question ultimately no if we're not in successful, established relationships? What answers could be legitimately expected?
Wow...You never cease to amaze me with your condescending *kitten* attitude. It is not surprising to me at all that you are single, with the way you speak to others on this forum.
Oh please! He was merely asking a question here... Do we really need to resort to name calling?
Sure, but only if it's accurate. Haha
True... now where did I put my Feminazi ID card again? :laugh:0 -
LOL .. I adore DM! I love his robotic ways of looking at things. Certainly puts a different perspective on things beyond all of us hormonal women!! Plus .. if you really get to know him .. he does have quite a sense of humor in there.0
-
Isn't the answer to this question ultimately no if we're not in successful, established relationships? What answers could be legitimately expected?
Wow...You never cease to amaze me with your condescending *kitten* attitude. It is not surprising to me at all that you are single, with the way you speak to others on this forum.
Oh please! He was merely asking a question here... Do we really need to resort to name calling?
Sure, but only if it's accurate. Haha
True... now where did I put my Feminazi ID card again? :laugh:
Haha! that made me LOL PJ!! :laugh:0 -
LOL .. I adore DM! I love his robotic ways of looking at things. Certainly puts a different perspective on things beyond all of us hormonal women!! Plus .. if you really get to know him .. he does have quite a sense of humor in there.
Yep! agreed!!
Lets form a DM fan club!! :laugh:
0 -
Yes. Now, or in the past, it has always more or less worked OK for me.
My objectives are: "Let's do casual stuff until I find something more serious, but also let's make the journey enjoyable if possible".
I've tried online dating with POF, had some immediate success (and a surge of messages initially), but after a while I think my profile/pictures didn't appeal too much to the target market I had in mind, and also I didn't have the energy to send messages again and again (not enough ROI). So I stopped after the few initial successes. With online dating, I wasn't enjoying the journey anymore.
I tried meetup.com to find friends initially (didn't want a relationship of any sort - I had a burnout after POF), and I was going out with interesting people all the time, but I was also realizing that some women (and men) were also on meetup for relationships (I was shocked - how could they!), and I ended up having some decent success with women. It's a great thing to be able to screen women quickly, face to face, and by going out a lot I am definitely enjoying the journey.
I think what work best for me though is that when I'm single, I feel free and just want to do a lot of fun stuff, I go out more, etc. And then I gradually (re-)learn to be social/funny/relaxed/friendly/etc. with people, until I become literally a "chick magnet" after a few months of this regimen.0 -
So I'm wondering, Single Peeps, is what you're doing working the way you want? Are you at least meeting the type of person you're looking for even if it's not the right ONE (either online or IRL)? What are you changing up to get a different result?! I think we all know some standard answers, but I'm hoping someone is doing something off the wall :bigsmile:
IDK if what I did matched the goals of others on the group but I went into online dating with one goal: have fun. In having fun, I boosted my ego (because apparently there are lots of men in Shreveport, so I had plenty of responses unlike some of our single peeps who live out in the middle of nowhere). I also met a lot of guys I thought were great, if not for me then for my friends (and yes, I invited many to attend events where they could meet my friends when I realized they were cool but not a good match).
I used to meet guys on the street, in the grocery store, at the gas station (and was proud of that). But this year all that dried up, and going back online was a way of shaking things up, trying something new.
I met someone I really get along with. IDK if it will be a permanent relationship (hence my hesitation in saying "YES" it's working since I know that's what most everyone here wants) but I do know that I'm having a great time.
A couple weeks ago I went shopping at Jos A Bank to get him a shirt/tie combo for his birthday. I had forgotten how much FUN it is to shop for a man!!! Wouldn't have met a man I felt like doing that for had it not been for Match. So even if this doesn't work out, I'm having fun and he's having fun. And neither of us feels like we're missing out on anything (so he says, and I agree).
So for me what I've done has worked.0 -
Isn't the answer to this question ultimately no if we're not in successful, established relationships? What answers could be legitimately expected?
I guess it depends on your goals. When I signed up for Match, my goal was to have fun, learn more about men. Which I did. Wasn't looking for a relationship per se since I knew I would likely be moving after a year. After a few weeks ago, I realized my "deep down dark secret goal" was to disprove the last two guys who dogged me out for being worthless (not true). And I also met someone I would seriously consider settling back in this area for.0 -
I'm not looking either, necessarily.
Online dating and dating in general, is hard. I've had a few major disappointments in the last few years that have put me off of "the process." I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:0 -
Not looking really. I'm just focusing on myself. Going to the gym, getting in shape, losing the fat, etc etc. Shower, errands, groceries, sleep. Repeat the next day. It's rare when I go out with friends. With my work schedule that includes working Sat and Sun it's difficult to coordinate and plan things with my friends. Unless we do late morning things which 9 out of 10x is a NO since they all wanna sleep in.
I do have a hike I am doing with a couple of female friends this coming Monday which also happens to be a holiday i.e. no work for them. Monday is my "Friday" of the work week. I'll be working 8 hrs, get off work around 7am, ferry across to the Seattle area to meet up and go on the hike. Hopefully I won't be too tired and have another fall like before. :laugh:
Ummmmmmmm well- this (SuperGirl) picture is absolutely NOT on my online dating profile, since I look like crap and im checking myself out LMAO but there is a picture of me actually deadlifting and ridiculously happy about it.
And yes- Im getting lots of messages about how Im disgusting and going to get huge and its an awful turn off for all men, to see a girl lifting heavy in the gym. But Im also getting lots of messages now from guys who really love to spend lots of time in the gym, guys who dont want a girl with a perfect body - just a girl who's actually actively STRIVING for a better one- and these guys are awesome and tons of fun,
I think your Supergirl pic is awesome. If I saw it on a dating site, my inner comic geek would wanna check out that profile. That's too bad about those guys saying that lifting weights, being in shape, etc etc is a huge turn off. It must suck to be them.0 -
Interesting question. I ask myself that about everything I do, basically. I'm a reflective thinker not only in my "love" (or sometimes the lack thereof) life and personal life, but also in my career. So, I think it's a great question to ask.
I'm always open to self-improvement and changing things up a bit.
To answer your question, I'm getting plenty of attention and making some new friends, therefore getting my mind off of the last guy that I liked, so in that sense it is working. Is it working as far as meeting the man of my dreams and being swept off my feet? ummm no... lol...
I changed my mindset, though, and a little of what I was doing, I guess... I went from "looking for a relationship" to open to meeting new people, making new friends, dating, and seeing what happens. And oh my gosh at the messages... I'm sure it's sex related, lol... but, like I said, I'm getting plenty of attention. Met two men over the weekend. One of them was not one that I would normally ever even consider going out with, meaning he wasn't as young and good looking as what I normally go for... but we actually had a great time. The talk came easy. I laughed a lot. Smiled a lot. I tried to imagine myself kissing him, and although it didn't completely turn me on, it didn't completely turn me off either. New experience for me. We made a second date, but it got cancelled, and I ended up meeting someone else instead. He was good looking and we seemed to click easier... but he lives too far away for a relationship... it was a fun night, though, and who knows, maybe I'll see him again. Now, I'm talking to several men...0 -
I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way.
:laugh:
Yes, I like this 'tude. The sooner you get meeting a permanent significant other out of the way, the better.0 -
LOL .. I adore DM! I love his robotic ways of looking at things. Certainly puts a different perspective on things beyond all of us hormonal women!! Plus .. if you really get to know him .. he does have quite a sense of humor in there.
Yep! agreed!!
Lets form a DM fan club!! :laugh:
Of course I like this idea. :laugh:0 -
I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
I don't know...I think I had a ton of fun in college, fun that I wouldn't be able to have had I had a boyfriend. I don't regret it at all. Would it have been easier? Maybe. But nowhere near as fun. I don't regret my fun years at all. But I have friends who spent half their nights cuddled up with a BF that never got to go out and have real fun...they had edited out "let's leave the party just after it starts" nights.0 -
I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
I don't know...I think I had a ton of fun in college, fun that I wouldn't be able to have had I had a boyfriend. I don't regret it at all. Would it have been easier? Maybe. But nowhere near as fun. I don't regret my fun years at all. But I have friends who spent half their nights cuddled up with a BF that never got to go out and have real fun...they had edited out "let's leave the party just after it starts" nights.
Are you joking? Those friends of yours were likely having monkey sex. I'm sure they were having fun. 0 -
I'm not looking either, necessarily.
Online dating and dating in general, is hard. I've had a few major disappointments in the last few years that have put me off of "the process." I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
It would be interesting to see the statistics on marriages that spawn from relationships at this age vs maybe ones in their 30s.0 -
Are you joking? Those friends of yours were likely having monkey sex. I'm sure they were having fun.
This!
Though it was always tough to bring your A-game after one too many "silver sodas" :laugh:0 -
I'm not looking either, necessarily.
Online dating and dating in general, is hard. I've had a few major disappointments in the last few years that have put me off of "the process." I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
It would be interesting to see the statistics on marriages that spawn from relationships at this age vs maybe ones in their 30s.
I've actually read that the younger the couple is when they get married, the more likely they are to divorce. But then, I've also read that the older a woman is, the less likely she is to marry at all. So it's kind of a weird catch-22 for us ladies. And to be fair, I have seen some couples of my acquaintance that married right out of college get divorced already, and I'm only 27. I'd definitely rather be a never-married single right now than divorced.0 -
I'm not looking either, necessarily.
Online dating and dating in general, is hard. I've had a few major disappointments in the last few years that have put me off of "the process." I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
It would be interesting to see the statistics on marriages that spawn from relationships at this age vs maybe ones in their 30s.
There's a few statistics... but one of them: about 80% of couples that get married before the age of 27 will get divorced (this includes people that get a second marriage and divorce before that age as well).0 -
Oh and this might sound crazy, but sometimes I wish I could find someone here on MFP! I guess I'm drawn to the fact that we'd already have similar interests or goals and it wouldn't feel like the same pressure as a dating site. If any of you know single guys from the Boston area on MFP, please send them my way!
So, NC, if nothing else, making this plea IS doing something different, thanks for the prompt :laugh:
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this PJ! That's why I asked the question. I'm still trying to figure out what that something different is, but I figured that I'm not alone in NEEDING to ask myself that question. No sense being frustrated or disappointed if you're not doing something to change that...
As to MFP, I don't think many of us would argue that meeting someone on here would be ideal! Unless there is just some magical connection though, it really is just limited to your own drivable area. Anyone ready to move to Charlotte? HAHAHAHA :laugh: Stomps Feet **DANG IT... hangs head in disappointment**0 -
I know there have been a few hook-ups via MFP. Distance is a killer for most people (like me). However, if both parties are totally feeling it and 100% committed, they can make it work.0
-
No, what I'm doing isn't working, so I guess I'm changing it up by not worrying about it as much anymore, just trying to get in shape, live life to the fullest and see the world.
I'm not the type that's going to shine with an online profile and with the buffet-style mentality that brings when men browse, my chances of being noticed are nil. I'm interesting, but not like other girls at all.
My main focus now is living my life and not worrying about whether I will continue to do that alone or not.0 -
No, it's not, but I'm all out of ideas on how to change that. Online dating I tried briefly, and my 'matches' were so far from 'matching' that I laughed and looked elsewhere for myself, then I got so many messages from men old enough to be my grandfather that I deleted the profile. I haven't tried again - maybe I should, but I can't imagine the odds have improved! I have considered a matchmaking agency - people have got to be better at this than computers, right? - but the good ones are all too expensive for my current budget.
Now, I've spent the last few years taking up new activities and seeking out new social groups, partly because I moved cities, and partly because that's always one of the top recommendations in those horrendous 'how to find a partner' articles. I have a more active social life than ever before, and a much wider circle of friends, but still no dates/expressions of interest. It may be a British thing - we're famously reserved - but it seems to me that most of the men I know wouldn't dream of asking a girl out unless they knew her very, very well, from a number of sources, often including family connections, university chums etc. A lot of people also met their SO at university, and there have been a lot of weddings recently. Most of which I'm not invited to as I'm still too 'new' a friend, which eliminates that as a potential meeting-ground.
My female friends are all aware that I'm open to potential set-ups, but their efforts so far have been stupendously unsuccessful - one memorable effort saw the man in question fall head-over-heels in love at first sight with another girl at the same dinner (with her boyfriend). I couldn't get a coherent word out of him all night (that felt like a very, very long three-course meal:yawn: ), and as far as I know, he's still pining! :laugh:0 -
I realize this isn't helpful in your quest for something new and different. And will most likely result in me being a crazy animal lady, bitter and alone until I'm thrown in an old folks home.
Hey now, there's nothing bitter or alone about being the crazy animal lady (coming from a zoology major, hahaa)
I miss our old cat that died two years ago more than I miss any of my exes.
Guess that tells me what my future holds.0 -
I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
I don't know...I think I had a ton of fun in college, fun that I wouldn't be able to have had I had a boyfriend. I don't regret it at all. Would it have been easier? Maybe. But nowhere near as fun. I don't regret my fun years at all. But I have friends who spent half their nights cuddled up with a BF that never got to go out and have real fun...they had edited out "let's leave the party just after it starts" nights.
Are you joking? Those friends of yours were likely having monkey sex. I'm sure they were having fun.
I lived with two of the couples and trust me this was not going on...0 -
I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
I don't know...I think I had a ton of fun in college, fun that I wouldn't be able to have had I had a boyfriend. I don't regret it at all. Would it have been easier? Maybe. But nowhere near as fun. I don't regret my fun years at all. But I have friends who spent half their nights cuddled up with a BF that never got to go out and have real fun...they had edited out "let's leave the party just after it starts" nights.
Are you joking? Those friends of yours were likely having monkey sex. I'm sure they were having fun.
I lived with two of the couples and trust me this was not going on...
Their loss. :noway: :yawn:0 -
I realize this isn't helpful in your quest for something new and different. And will most likely result in me being a crazy animal lady, bitter and alone until I'm thrown in an old folks home.
Hey now, there's nothing bitter or alone about being the crazy animal lady (coming from a zoology major, hahaa)
I miss our old cat that died two years ago more than I miss any of my exes.
Guess that tells me what my future holds.
Crazy animal ladies unite! Hehehe0 -
I'm not looking either, necessarily.
Online dating and dating in general, is hard. I've had a few major disappointments in the last few years that have put me off of "the process." I wish someone would have told me that it was best to meet my dude in college and get it out of the way. Seems like the only people I know who are in serious relationships or married met their SO in college or even in high school. I didn't get that priority memo...
:laugh:
It would be interesting to see the statistics on marriages that spawn from relationships at this age vs maybe ones in their 30s.
I've actually read that the younger the couple is when they get married, the more likely they are to divorce. But then, I've also read that the older a woman is, the less likely she is to marry at all. So it's kind of a weird catch-22 for us ladies. And to be fair, I have seen some couples of my acquaintance that married right out of college get divorced already, and I'm only 27. I'd definitely rather be a never-married single right now than divorced.
I perceive there's a sweet spot. Too young causes problems (for both men and women). If a person waits too long, they may end up single forever (for both men and women).
I tend to think that earlier marriage is better than later, provided that the right person is found. I think it is best to marry around the 24-27 age range. The best singles are off the market after that. But, if the right fit can't be found around that time, I feel that it is better to never marry than be a divorcee. If one is a divorcee, it is better to be a divorcee without children that a divorcee with children. When you are a divorcee without children (this goes for both sexes), you're more able to easily be perceived as desirable when dating post divorce. There's less of a chance for a messy entanglement. I am open to dating a woman who has been divorced if she has no kids, but it's not my first preference.0
This discussion has been closed.