Better to lose weight before online dating?
LaDauphine
Posts: 15
I know online dating it TOUGH and can be really challenging if you're overweight. In my mind, I keep telling myself I'll join a dating service when I hit X pounds. That way, I'm putting my best foot forward from the outset. However, I have a female friend who says that I shouldn't wait. I know love can come at any size but I also don't want to set myself up for failure LOL. Would love to hear your thoughts. . .
0
Replies
-
I'm not at perfect weight and didn't wait until I weighed a certain number to date online and/ or offline but I did wait until I was confident enough to not settle, to be strong enough to accept rejection and to have fun.0
-
I think you have to be honest with yourself. You need to realistically assess how much overweight are you and how fragile your ego is in terms of your weight. I know from experience that despite women constantly saying that personality is what really matters and looks are secondary, that I get a whole more responses to my messages and a whole lot more women intiating communication with me now than I did 3 months and 40 pounds ago. The only thing that changed in my online profile is my pictures. I am told that men in general or more visually oriented and that looks matter more. I don't know that I fully believe that but I know that I usually won't bother to read a profile if the gal in the pictures look morbidly obese. I don't mind a few extra pounds but I am not interested in women who look like walking up a flight of stairs could be considered as exercise.
If not getting any responses is going to kill your self esteem and confidence you're probably better off waiting. Your ideal weight is probably more critical than the general public's ideal weight for you though. We tend to be much more critical of ourselves than other people ever will. Take a look at where you are and do the best you can to honestly assess whether you like your appearance and whether getting negative feedback will damage your love for yourself.0 -
I think it depends on how heavy you are. When I date, especially in the beginning there are a lot of things that can throw off a good diet and exercise routine. I would wait until you are at a comfortable point with yourself that if these slip ups happen it's not a big deal. So it's not really an issue of whether or not you can find someone....but more an issue of keeping focused on your fitness goals.0
-
I'm not at perfect weight and didn't wait until I weighed a certain number to date online and/ or offline but I did wait until I was confident enough to not settle, to be strong enough to accept rejection and to have fun.
This.
Don't wait until you are X pounds. Wait until you feel good and happy about yourself0 -
I'm not at perfect weight and didn't wait until I weighed a certain number to date online and/ or offline but I did wait until I was confident enough to not settle, to be strong enough to accept rejection and to have fun.
Thanks for your response. In general, I have healthy self-confidence and wouldn't settle for any treatment for the sake of having a man. However I am sensitive about my weight. Maybe I'm not at that point where I can handle rejection.0 -
I think you have to be honest with yourself. You need to realistically assess how much overweight are you and how fragile your ego is in terms of your weight. I know from experience that despite women constantly saying that personality is what really matters and looks are secondary, that I get a whole more responses to my messages and a whole lot more women intiating communication with me now than I did 3 months and 40 pounds ago. The only thing that changed in my online profile is my pictures. I am told that men in general or more visually oriented and that looks matter more. I don't know that I fully believe that but I know that I usually won't bother to read a profile if the gal in the pictures look morbidly obese. I don't mind a few extra pounds but I am not interested in women who look like walking up a flight of stairs could be considered as exercise.
If not getting any responses is going to kill your self esteem and confidence you're probably better off waiting. Your ideal weight is probably more critical than the general public's ideal weight for you though. We tend to be much more critical of ourselves than other people ever will. Take a look at where you are and do the best you can to honestly assess whether you like your appearance and whether getting negative feedback will damage your love for yourself.
Thank you and congrats on your weight loss. I personally would not reject a guy just based on weight but I know that men are more visually oriented. Looks are important and men can't see my glowing personality LOL. The attraction is based on pictures and a great profile is the icing on the cake. I'm not morbidly obese but I'm visibly overweight. Things are going well with MFP so I may be better off waiting a bit. . .0 -
I think it depends on how heavy you are. When I date, especially in the beginning there are a lot of things that can throw off a good diet and exercise routine. I would wait until you are at a comfortable point with yourself that if these slip ups happen it's not a big deal. So it's not really an issue of whether or not you can find someone....but more an issue of keeping focused on your fitness goals.
This seems to be a recurring theme: wait until I feel comfortable. Currently, I do not. In 40 lbs, I know I will be.0 -
I'm not at perfect weight and didn't wait until I weighed a certain number to date online and/ or offline but I did wait until I was confident enough to not settle, to be strong enough to accept rejection and to have fun.
This.
Don't wait until you are X pounds. Wait until you feel good and happy about yourself
This is where I'm torn. I am happy with myself as a person and I think I have a lot to offer, but I would be lying if I said I am happy with my body. However, it's just one facet of myself that I am working on. . .I don't condemn men who want a fit body type at all. I just wish I didn't feel like that was the only thing that mattered in dating. Ah well, motivation I guess!0 -
I'm not at perfect weight and didn't wait until I weighed a certain number to date online and/ or offline but I did wait until I was confident enough to not settle, to be strong enough to accept rejection and to have fun.
This.
Don't wait until you are X pounds. Wait until you feel good and happy about yourself
This is where I'm torn. I am happy with myself as a person and I think I have a lot to offer, but I would be lying if I said I am happy with my body. However, it's just one facet of myself that I am working on. . .I don't condemn men who want a fit body type at all. I just wish I didn't feel like that was the only thing that mattered in dating. Ah well, motivation I guess!
I don't think it's the only thing that matters in dating BUT in online dating specifically, it matters. I've been doing online dating on and off since January. I have admitted here that I do pick men based on their pics first, then I'll check out their profile. I will say that 98% of online daters do the same thing. You post several good pics, a small summary about yourself and people either choose you or not. That's why it's said to be thick skinned to do online dating.0 -
Appearance always plays a part, anyone who tells you otherwise is lying (either to you or themselves). If you aren't happy where you are with appearance, it isn't fair to ask someone else to be happy with that. Sex is the difference between friends and a relationship. Would you have sex with someone you aren't attracted to? Do you desire to have a serious relationship with someone that had low physical self esteem and was obese?
That's what we're talking about when we say get to when you feel good about yourself. You will get there, it's not a matter of pounds as it is a matter of achievements and reaching your goals.0 -
I think you have to be honest with yourself. You need to realistically assess how much overweight are you and how fragile your ego is in terms of your weight. I know from experience that despite women constantly saying that personality is what really matters and looks are secondary, that I get a whole more responses to my messages and a whole lot more women intiating communication with me now than I did 3 months and 40 pounds ago. The only thing that changed in my online profile is my pictures. I am told that men in general or more visually oriented and that looks matter more. I don't know that I fully believe that but I know that I usually won't bother to read a profile if the gal in the pictures look morbidly obese. I don't mind a few extra pounds but I am not interested in women who look like walking up a flight of stairs could be considered as exercise.
If not getting any responses is going to kill your self esteem and confidence you're probably better off waiting. Your ideal weight is probably more critical than the general public's ideal weight for you though. We tend to be much more critical of ourselves than other people ever will. Take a look at where you are and do the best you can to honestly assess whether you like your appearance and whether getting negative feedback will damage your love for yourself.
This.
The nature of online dating is very picture driven. Primarily because pictures are the only thing we have to go by when browsing profiles. Also, a guy or girl can't expect to sweep anyone off their feet with their personality because that doesn't always translate well through a profile or e-mails.
I've met some women who could barely string together a sentence or two together in an e-mail, but found them to have an great personality when we met in person. The only way I got to find that out is by initially being attracted to her pictures and taking it from there.0 -
I agree with the majority here. Don't wait for a number. I'm not comfortable yet, but I'm getting there.0
-
It's definitely a confidence issue, rather than a number issue.
You will know when you feel ready :flowerforyou:0 -
My take on internet dating?
"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my
best." -- Marilyn Monroe
So...I'm out there...recent face shot...but it's up to them to figure out that my body has followed suit. My profile says things like "favorite websites are fitbit.com and myfitnesspal.com where I am a lifetime member." "doing my first 5k Nov. 4th. Message me to wish me well!"
My profile is long because I want to weed out the "junk mail." This means I don't get many responses. (way better than before when I got "hey baby...want to mix our genes?") I have my "hard limits." (no gambling, no drugs, no smoking, no std's) I have three kids. I welcome yours, but don't think I want more (I am learning to enjoy sleeping in on weekends) Etc etc...
Basically, if they don't want to know me for me...and instead just want my big b00bs...they are too shallow for me.
So...there I go being contrary to popular oppinion.
sorry if I offended anyone.
MJ
ETA: I also don't put my BEST pictures out there. That way when we meet they can say "WOW...you look so much better than your pictures!"0 -
My take on internet dating?
"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my
best." -- Marilyn Monroe
So...I'm out there...recent face shot...but it's up to them to figure out that my body has followed suit. My profile says things like "favorite websites are fitbit.com and myfitnesspal.com where I am a lifetime member." "doing my first 5k Nov. 4th. Message me to wish me well!"
My profile is long because I want to weed out the "junk mail." This means I don't get many responses. (way better than before when I got "hey baby...want to mix our genes?") I have my "hard limits." (no gambling, no drugs, no smoking, no std's) I have three kids. I welcome yours, but don't think I want more (I am learning to enjoy sleeping in on weekends) Etc etc...
Basically, if they don't want to know me for me...and instead just want my big b00bs...they are too shallow for me.
So...there I go being contrary to popular oppinion.
sorry if I offended anyone.
MJ
ETA: I also don't put my BEST pictures out there. That way when we meet they can say "WOW...you look so much better than your pictures!"
Believe me, you aren't going to offend anyone here. I'm sure there are many that agree with you. However, I am not one of them.
If I only saw a head shot and mention of MyFitnessPal and FitBit, I would think you'd have the body of Jillian Michaels. If you aren't built like that, don't you think it's a little misleading?
The thing is this.. some men will become interested (and even a little attached) after a handful of e-mails. The guy then builds a fantasy picture of you in his mind, which he has to because you said you only have a head shot. If you meet and you don't fit this, he'll feel mislead and maybe even a little angry. He'll leave upset and you'll be back at square one with another man. It's a no win for both you and him.
Sometimes leaving stuff to imagination isn't the best idea.
Just a side note (please don't take offense).. that Marilyn Monroe quote is horrible. Flip table and ask Rhianna if she deserves Chris Brown at his worst. I don't think she does. Also, Marilyn the Great was a self absorbed, promiscuous, pill popping drug addict who overdosed in her 30's. Not the best of role models.0 -
Ultimately, your confidence is the most important because no matter what you weigh, you will still experience rejection. The key is to know that it has nothing to do with you as a person. If you can accept the rejection without any negative feelings, then go ahead and put yourself out there. I was online when I was at my highest weight... I didn't get a single date but that was ok. I did it for me and not necessarily for the dates because I honestly didn't expect to get many. I want a fit guy so it's natural that he would want a fit girl. I wasn't fit yet, so it was no suprise that I didn't get responses to my messages. It was important for me to be out there so I could keep moving forward.0
-
Something else to ponder... The "physical implications" of dating.
If you're not comfortable now, then I'd wait because aside from the confidence thing, remember that dating is mainly about eating, going out and drinking with someone (a lot of the time).
It takes time, does not help with your routine, and if you cannot afford to keep the exact same routine (i.e. you will have to see someone you like on a 2nd, 3rd date, etc.).
Then if you find someone, you have to be available which will give you less time for you to work out, run, etc.
So, it could be a good idea to focus on the objective at hand now, and then gradually allow dating to enter your life...0 -
Something else to ponder... The "physical implications" of dating.
If you're not comfortable now, then I'd wait because aside from the confidence thing, remember that dating is mainly about eating, going out and drinking with someone (a lot of the time).
It takes time, does not help with your routine, and if you cannot afford to keep the exact same routine (i.e. you will have to see someone you like on a 2nd, 3rd date, etc.).
Then if you find someone, you have to be available which will give you less time for you to work out, run, etc.
So, it could be a good idea to focus on the objective at hand now, and then gradually allow dating to enter your life...
Exactly what I said! Well, different words.
So much eating out and drinking and less time to work out. Focus on YOU!
Flam...btw, you rock, my friend!0 -
Something else to ponder... The "physical implications" of dating.
If you're not comfortable now, then I'd wait because aside from the confidence thing, remember that dating is mainly about eating, going out and drinking with someone (a lot of the time).
It takes time, does not help with your routine, and if you cannot afford to keep the exact same routine (i.e. you will have to see someone you like on a 2nd, 3rd date, etc.).
Then if you find someone, you have to be available which will give you less time for you to work out, run, etc.
So, it could be a good idea to focus on the objective at hand now, and then gradually allow dating to enter your life...
Very true. That is a big part of it. Also going further, you might have to be comfortable getting naked with someone. You're probably never going to feel 100% ready to whip your clothes off (frankly, I think even very fit people get nervous about this too), but you have to be able to say "I'm okay if that guy sees me naked." If you don't think you would be comfortable showing anyone your body right now, you might need to gain a little more self-confidence first. But just know you'll never get to be perfect. But if you're going to be so self-conscious, maybe you need to work on yourself first.0 -
This.
The nature of online dating is very picture driven. Primarily because pictures are the only thing we have to go by when browsing profiles. Also, a guy or girl can't expect to sweep anyone off their feet with their personality because that doesn't always translate well through a profile or e-mails.
I've met some women who could barely string together a sentence or two together in an e-mail, but found them to have an great personality when we met in person. The only way I got to find that out is by initially being attracted to her pictures and taking it from there.
Thank you. It totally makes sense. I also post both head and body shots because I would NOT want someone to be disappointed meeting me in person. Of course, that could still happen but I would be honest in this regard.0 -
My take on internet dating?
"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my
best." -- Marilyn Monroe
So...I'm out there...recent face shot...but it's up to them to figure out that my body has followed suit. My profile says things like "favorite websites are fitbit.com and myfitnesspal.com where I am a lifetime member." "doing my first 5k Nov. 4th. Message me to wish me well!"
My profile is long because I want to weed out the "junk mail." This means I don't get many responses. (way better than before when I got "hey baby...want to mix our genes?") I have my "hard limits." (no gambling, no drugs, no smoking, no std's) I have three kids. I welcome yours, but don't think I want more (I am learning to enjoy sleeping in on weekends) Etc etc...
Basically, if they don't want to know me for me...and instead just want my big b00bs...they are too shallow for me.
So...there I go being contrary to popular oppinion.
sorry if I offended anyone.
MJ
ETA: I also don't put my BEST pictures out there. That way when we meet they can say "WOW...you look so much better than your pictures!"
Believe me, you aren't going to offend anyone here. I'm sure there are many that agree with you. However, I am not one of them.
If I only saw a head shot and mention of MyFitnessPal and FitBit, I would think you'd have the body of Jillian Michaels. If you aren't built like that, don't you think it's a little misleading?
The thing is this.. some men will become interested (and even a little attached) after a handful of e-mails. The guy then builds a fantasy picture of you in his mind, which he has to because you said you only have a head shot. If you meet and you don't fit this, he'll feel mislead and maybe even a little angry. He'll leave upset and you'll be back at square one with another man. It's a no win for both you and him.
Sometimes leaving stuff to imagination isn't the best idea.
Just a side note (please don't take offense).. that Marilyn Monroe quote is horrible. Flip table and ask Rhianna if she deserves Chris Brown at his worst. I don't think she does. Also, Marilyn the Great was a self absorbed, promiscuous, pill popping drug addict who overdosed in her 30's. Not the best of role models.
I hear you terp but I agree with Mike on this one. . .I would prefer to put a face and body shot up. I definitely don't want to mislead anyone. But, I think putting a body shot with quotes about working out and doing a 5k are good ways to let guys know that you are into physical fitness or are trying to get there. . .One thing about being overweight that bothers me is the world assumes it's because you eat ding dongs in your room at night. There are a fraction of us (myself included) with a medical condition that caused weight gain. However, I don't believe in making excuses and am working like hell to get back to my fighting weight. But I digress. . .0 -
Ultimately, your confidence is the most important because no matter what you weigh, you will still experience rejection. The key is to know that it has nothing to do with you as a person. If you can accept the rejection without any negative feelings, then go ahead and put yourself out there. I was online when I was at my highest weight... I didn't get a single date but that was ok. I did it for me and not necessarily for the dates because I honestly didn't expect to get many. I want a fit guy so it's natural that he would want a fit girl. I wasn't fit yet, so it was no suprise that I didn't get responses to my messages. It was important for me to be out there so I could keep moving forward.
I agree and I guess I'm not there mainly because I'm not dating a lot. . .then again, if someone was interested in dating me despite me weight, I don't think I'd be like "what's wrong with him?" I think I'd be fine with that attention.0 -
Something else to ponder... The "physical implications" of dating.
If you're not comfortable now, then I'd wait because aside from the confidence thing, remember that dating is mainly about eating, going out and drinking with someone (a lot of the time).
It takes time, does not help with your routine, and if you cannot afford to keep the exact same routine (i.e. you will have to see someone you like on a 2nd, 3rd date, etc.).
Then if you find someone, you have to be available which will give you less time for you to work out, run, etc.
So, it could be a good idea to focus on the objective at hand now, and then gradually allow dating to enter your life...
I've thought about that. . .I definitely wouldn't want to appear out of shape if a guy wanted to do something physical for a date. That I imagine would be unattractive.0 -
I can't quote everyone but I appreciate the thoughtful and honest responses. It's also good to hear from guys.
I am already a member of one site and will update my photos. No point in going inactive since I'm already on there. I will wait on joining the other site until I feel great about me.0 -
My take on internet dating?
"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my
best." -- Marilyn Monroe
So...I'm out there...recent face shot...but it's up to them to figure out that my body has followed suit. My profile says things like "favorite websites are fitbit.com and myfitnesspal.com where I am a lifetime member." "doing my first 5k Nov. 4th. Message me to wish me well!"
My profile is long because I want to weed out the "junk mail." This means I don't get many responses. (way better than before when I got "hey baby...want to mix our genes?") I have my "hard limits." (no gambling, no drugs, no smoking, no std's) I have three kids. I welcome yours, but don't think I want more (I am learning to enjoy sleeping in on weekends) Etc etc...
Basically, if they don't want to know me for me...and instead just want my big b00bs...they are too shallow for me.
So...there I go being contrary to popular oppinion.
sorry if I offended anyone.
MJ
ETA: I also don't put my BEST pictures out there. That way when we meet they can say "WOW...you look so much better than your pictures!"
Believe me, you aren't going to offend anyone here. I'm sure there are many that agree with you. However, I am not one of them.
If I only saw a head shot and mention of MyFitnessPal and FitBit, I would think you'd have the body of Jillian Michaels. If you aren't built like that, don't you think it's a little misleading?
The thing is this.. some men will become interested (and even a little attached) after a handful of e-mails. The guy then builds a fantasy picture of you in his mind, which he has to because you said you only have a head shot. If you meet and you don't fit this, he'll feel mislead and maybe even a little angry. He'll leave upset and you'll be back at square one with another man. It's a no win for both you and him.
Sometimes leaving stuff to imagination isn't the best idea.
Just a side note (please don't take offense).. that Marilyn Monroe quote is horrible. Flip table and ask Rhianna if she deserves Chris Brown at his worst. I don't think she does. Also, Marilyn the Great was a self absorbed, promiscuous, pill popping drug addict who overdosed in her 30's. Not the best of role models.
Misunderstanding: My head shots are recent...Body shots have been up since just shortly after I started this journey. I have lost 40 pounds but have not posted new body shots...just face shots. so they will be getting better than the pictures show. I mention the sites because they are part of my life now...I am a forever member. I am NOT on a diet...I am establishing healthy habits one at a time which is why my weight loss is so slow. (I have been on MFP for 245+ days...I'm losing about 5 pounds per month...permanent loss in my book. Why can I say that with confidence? Because I am establishing healthy habits.(...some harder to sink in than others.)
My point in the Marilyn quote is more about if they won't give me the time of day now...while I'm in process and working to make things better and wanting someone to be on that journey with me...why should I give them the time of day. Rather like a wealthy person always wondering if they are only wanted for their money....I don't want to be wondering if it is all about looks. Don't get me wrong..I want to be wanted (twice a day works for me...) But I want to be wanted for MORE than just my body. (my ex left when I started losing the weight...we had a variety of issues, but never a problem in the bedroom...but he doesn't like thin women. I can't help but think my weight loss was a contributing factor.)
Make sense?0 -
If you're a girl, don't bother waiting. If you're a guy and don't look like Ryan gosling, back to the gym before you post a profile0
-
If you're a girl, don't bother waiting. If you're a guy and don't look like Ryan gosling, back to the gym before you post a profile
Hey man, what's got you down? You've been negative lately :frown:0 -
If you're a girl, don't bother waiting. If you're a guy and don't look like Ryan gosling, back to the gym before you post a profile
I concur.0 -
Uh oh! Someone in this thread doesn't look like Ryan Gosling apparently!!!
Hey man, what's got you down? You've been negative lately :frown:If you're a girl, don't bother waiting. If you're a guy and don't look like Ryan gosling, back to the gym before you post a profile0 -
I don't look for thin or buff. I look at the kindness in the eyes. But I can see where I would be in the minority.0
This discussion has been closed.