Better to lose weight before online dating?
Replies
-
Personally I hate the Marilyn Monroe quote. It just sounds like license to be a brat and/or not put effort in. My worst, physically and behaviour-wise isn't attractive..even to me. I have worked to change those things. No one needs to see the worst, if I have no intention of going back...ever.
Funny how people read things differently - I've always thought that quote was about someone sticking around when you're at your lowest ebb, as well as enjoying the good times with you ie. not running away when things get tough. Never occurred to me that it might be about bad behaviour or physical appeal. I've always rather liked the quote, based on my interpretation of it.
.0 -
Darling Poncho, as much as I would love to debate and thrash out the demise of my last serious relationship, I am not sure all the good people here really want to know..and to be honest..I don't really share more than that with people who don't know me.
Suffice to say, I am a firm believer in things being two-way streets. But..when you make positive changes in your life and your partner stays on the couch, eats unhealthily and takes a victim approach to his poor health and life, well...I personally wasn't willing to drown in mediocrity and unhappiness anymore. Yes, I changed and yes, I was selfish. If I had stayed the same...perhaps we would be together still.
Trust me when I say that the intimacy issues were completely one sided. I can provide plenty of references before and since if required.
0 -
If you provide references then this would be Penthouse Forum lol!0
-
Is it just me or does anyone else kinda wish Mike & Smallerbridesmaids would hook up? With all sincerity, I honestly think you guys would be a good match! :bigsmile:0
-
Darling Poncho, as much as I would love to debate and thrash out the demise of my last serious relationship, I am not sure all the good people here really want to know..and to be honest..I don't really share more than that with people who don't know me.
Suffice to say, I am a firm believer in things being two-way streets. But..when you make positive changes in your life and your partner stays on the couch, eats unhealthily and takes a victim approach to his poor health and life, well...I personally wasn't willing to drown in mediocrity and unhappiness anymore. Yes, I changed and yes, I was selfish. If I had stayed the same...perhaps we would be together still.
Trust me when I say that the intimacy issues were completely one sided. I can provide plenty of references before and since if required.
Well Sugar, I guess there isn't much to talk about then
0 -
Is it just me or does anyone else kinda wish Mike & Smallerbridesmaids would hook up? With all sincerity, I honestly think you guys would be a good match! :bigsmile:
0 -
BUT GUYS....I DON'T HAVE A THIGH GAP OR IMPLANTS!!!
And he isn't 6'4 and 240.
SIGH.0 -
BUT GUYS....I DON'T HAVE A THIGH GAP OR IMPLANTS!!!
And he isn't 6'4 and 240.
SIGH.
Just go into debt and get surgery until you look like you are CGI barbie doll.
It's totally worth it.
Also buy a new car while you're at it!0 -
BUT GUYS....I DON'T HAVE A THIGH GAP OR IMPLANTS!!!
And he isn't 6'4 and 240.
SIGH.
I'm 6'4
and could care less about a thigh gap or implants.0 -
OMG, Mike....you sound just like my ex-husband here. Really? Wow... I'm completely baffled by this. I'm not always going to look my best, nor should I have to. There is a time and a place for "made up" but most of the time I run around in no makeup, denim cut off shorts and a T-shirt. And to reiterate.....I don't have any problems getting dates with the way I dress or act. I'm REAL.
I think this was taken slightly out of context. I have absolutely no problem with someone throwing on the sweatpants and t-shirt on those lazy winter days. The problem is when the guy or girl gets completely unmotivated and let themselves go. No one would want partner like that.0 -
Personally I hate the Marilyn Monroe quote. It just sounds like license to be a brat and/or not put effort in. My worst, physically and behaviour-wise isn't attractive..even to me. I have worked to change those things. No one needs to see the worst, if I have no intention of going back...ever.
Funny how people read things differently - I've always thought that quote was about someone sticking around when you're at your lowest ebb, as well as enjoying the good times with you ie. not running away when things get tough. Never occurred to me that it might be about bad behaviour or physical appeal. I've always rather liked the quote, based on my interpretation of it.
.
Agreed, I took it as what you described.0 -
OMG, Mike....you sound just like my ex-husband here. Really? Wow... I'm completely baffled by this. I'm not always going to look my best, nor should I have to. There is a time and a place for "made up" but most of the time I run around in no makeup, denim cut off shorts and a T-shirt. And to reiterate.....I don't have any problems getting dates with the way I dress or act. I'm REAL.
Amen.
In a relationship, you don't have to be perfect.
Another good saying: "If a guy doesn't like you in sweatpants he sure as hell doesn't deserve you in a wedding dress." The general gist is that if he doesn't like you dressed down, why bother dressing up for him?
AMEN and AMEN
(and the sweatpants/wedding dress quote sounds amazingly like the MM quote)0 -
Personally I hate the Marilyn Monroe quote. It just sounds like license to be a brat and/or not put effort in. My worst, physically and behaviour-wise isn't attractive..even to me. I have worked to change those things. No one needs to see the worst, if I have no intention of going back...ever.
Funny how people read things differently - I've always thought that quote was about someone sticking around when you're at your lowest ebb, as well as enjoying the good times with you ie. not running away when things get tough. Never occurred to me that it might be about bad behaviour or physical appeal. I've always rather liked the quote, based on my interpretation of it.
.
ME TOO! Thank you for the validation!0 -
OMG, Mike....you sound just like my ex-husband here. Really? Wow... I'm completely baffled by this. I'm not always going to look my best, nor should I have to. There is a time and a place for "made up" but most of the time I run around in no makeup, denim cut off shorts and a T-shirt. And to reiterate.....I don't have any problems getting dates with the way I dress or act. I'm REAL.
I think this was taken slightly out of context. I have absolutely no problem with someone throwing on the sweatpants and t-shirt on those lazy winter days. The problem is when the guy or girl gets completely unmotivated and let themselves go. No one would want partner like that.
Thank you for including men here. I've known plenty of piggy men. Actually, more-so than women.0 -
im sol in person and online..lmao0
-
OMG, Mike....you sound just like my ex-husband here. Really? Wow... I'm completely baffled by this. I'm not always going to look my best, nor should I have to. There is a time and a place for "made up" but most of the time I run around in no makeup, denim cut off shorts and a T-shirt. And to reiterate.....I don't have any problems getting dates with the way I dress or act. I'm REAL.
0 -
OMG, Mike....you sound just like my ex-husband here. Really? Wow... I'm completely baffled by this. I'm not always going to look my best, nor should I have to. There is a time and a place for "made up" but most of the time I run around in no makeup, denim cut off shorts and a T-shirt. And to reiterate.....I don't have any problems getting dates with the way I dress or act. I'm REAL.
I think this was taken slightly out of context. I have absolutely no problem with someone throwing on the sweatpants and t-shirt on those lazy winter days. The problem is when the guy or girl gets completely unmotivated and let themselves go. No one would want partner like that.
And if life throws you a bunch of lemons, and suddenly 'looking good' isn't your priority for a while? Is that really a good enough reason to look for another option? Say there's a serious illness, or someone who needs full-time care and support, and there are kids to look after, and one of you loses your job, or has to quit to take care of a parent with Alzheimers, so there's not much money coming in (or at least a lot less than before), and both time and cash are too precious to be spent on the gym and hair dye. What then, Mike?
I find many of your beliefs and opinions to be formed around the ideal of an idyllic, trouble-free life, in which 'looking good' remains a top priority, presumably for both partners, until kingdom come, and any diversion from this is grounds for the other partner to look elsewhere for someone who better fits their physical preferences. It's a lovely fantasy, but how many people actually get to live their lives like that, start to finish? That's where the "for worse" but comes into marriage vows - if you're not prepared to stick around for the bad bits, the bits when your partner doesn't look as good as they once did, where their attention/libido/time/motivation is in short supply, or at least to try your hardest to work through those times together, then you really have no business making those vows, or offering a comparably serious commitment. Of course relationships/marriages may come to an end, and there is usually blame on both sides, but I really do wish that you would think about your priorities a bit more, and perhaps inject a dose of realism into the equation, just a touch.0 -
How often, collectively, do we talk about how our weight loss "journey" has dramatically altered our lifestyle and personality (in many cases)? I know for me personally, my confidence, positivity, pride and self-worth has increased greatly. I am more attractive...both inside and out.
Let's say I fall in love.
So. If the opposite, for whatever reason, happens, and I gain a lot of weight again..am I the same person my partner fell in love with? If I become negative, less confident, unhappy and angry with myself, as well as putting less effort into my appearance...wouldn't this fundamentally alter the relationship?
I am not talking 10-20 pounds and continuing a fairly healthy lifestyle...I am speaking of truly letting myself go. Throwing in the towel and taking up the yoga pants full time. Now, I want to go out less, I am embarrassed, not as eager for sex and generally kind of miserable. Let's say this goes on for years...far beyond the situation that might have prompted this issue to begin.
Is it really fair to expect my partner to unconditionally love me in the same way if I clearly have stopped loving myself or caring about the lifestyle and connection we used to have?
All I know is that I interpreted my ex's actions of drinking beer, overeating and gaining weight as a lack of care for himself..and eventually us..as he had health issues that were a result of or certainly impacted by weight. He was shaving off years of his life and of being with me..and limiting the activities, quality and time we did have together by refusing to take care of himself and living his best life.
So. Was I supposed to sacrifice my quality of life for his inability or disinterest in improving his?0 -
All I know is that I interpreted my ex's actions of drinking beer, overeating and gaining weight as a lack of care for himself..and eventually us..as he had health issues that were a result of or certainly impacted by weight. He was shaving off years of his life and of being with me..and limiting the activities, quality and time we did have together by refusing to take care of himself and living his best life.
So. Was I supposed to sacrifice my quality of life for his inability or disinterest in improving his?
Been there, done that. I know that in my case, I wanted to change my lifestyle and be more active. While I was married to a morbidly obese, painkiller addicted (without my knowledge) husband, there was no way that could happen. We were both unhealthy, mentally and physically. He didn't want to change. I did. I wasn't going to live my life married to someone who obviously didn't love himself or me for that matter So, we had to part ways. We are both MUCH healthier now, mentally and physically and it was truly the best choice we could have made. Doesn't make it easy, but for us it was the best.
I think that if there was no option given for change, and I don't know that this was the case, then yes it does seem unfair. If there were times when things could have changed but didn't, then I totally understand the decision to get out of that relationship. :flowerforyou:0 -
Personally I hate the Marilyn Monroe quote. It just sounds like license to be a brat and/or not put effort in. My worst, physically and behaviour-wise isn't attractive..even to me. I have worked to change those things. No one needs to see the worst, if I have no intention of going back...ever.
Funny how people read things differently - I've always thought that quote was about someone sticking around when you're at your lowest ebb, as well as enjoying the good times with you ie. not running away when things get tough. Never occurred to me that it might be about bad behaviour or physical appeal. I've always rather liked the quote, based on my interpretation of it.
.
You see though if you view it from the mindset of the person saying it then the context changes.
I certainly can`t divine her intentions but if one looks at the train wreck of a life Marilyn lived it is doubtful she meant it as when she is down in the dumps.
Her life was hedonistic,abusive of alcohol and drugs resulting in an unhappy life and early death.
Someone perhaps to be pitied but would be dubious about viewing anything she said as good advice.0 -
Personally I hate the Marilyn Monroe quote. It just sounds like license to be a brat and/or not put effort in. My worst, physically and behaviour-wise isn't attractive..even to me. I have worked to change those things. No one needs to see the worst, if I have no intention of going back...ever.
Funny how people read things differently - I've always thought that quote was about someone sticking around when you're at your lowest ebb, as well as enjoying the good times with you ie. not running away when things get tough. Never occurred to me that it might be about bad behaviour or physical appeal. I've always rather liked the quote, based on my interpretation of it.
.
You see though if you view it from the mindset of the person saying it then the context changes.
I certainly can`t divine her intentions but if one looks at the train wreck of a life Marilyn lived it is doubtful she meant it as when she is down in the dumps.
Her life was hedonistic,abusive of alcohol and drugs resulting in an unhappy life and early death.
Someone perhaps to be pitied but would be dubious about viewing anything she said as good advice.
This is my exact thoughts.... and I'd add most of these Hollywood "stars" are complete and udder losers, the true dumps of society!!
FYI, that might be the most over used quote for female online dating profiles.0 -
Personally I hate the Marilyn Monroe quote. It just sounds like license to be a brat and/or not put effort in. My worst, physically and behaviour-wise isn't attractive..even to me. I have worked to change those things. No one needs to see the worst, if I have no intention of going back...ever.
Funny how people read things differently - I've always thought that quote was about someone sticking around when you're at your lowest ebb, as well as enjoying the good times with you ie. not running away when things get tough. Never occurred to me that it might be about bad behaviour or physical appeal. I've always rather liked the quote, based on my interpretation of it.
.
You see though if you view it from the mindset of the person saying it then the context changes.
I certainly can`t divine her intentions but if one looks at the train wreck of a life Marilyn lived it is doubtful she meant it as when she is down in the dumps.
Her life was hedonistic,abusive of alcohol and drugs resulting in an unhappy life and early death.
Someone perhaps to be pitied but would be dubious about viewing anything she said as good advice.
See, I'm not sure I agree with you about Marilyn's intent/mindset, but I guess we'll never know. The joys of interpretation and the source of virtually every conflict in human history:laugh: Being at one's lowest ebb is hardly just 'down in the dumps' though, and can have multiple causes, some of which may be self-inflicted. Trust me when I say I'm hardly one to take much advice from Hollywood, but again, in my interpretation of this quote, I don't actually think it's bad advice - someone who isn't prepared to stick around through the dark moments is perhaps not someone worth sharing the good times with. A fair-weather friend is not much good, and a fair-weather lover, spouse, partner is, in my view, probably worse.
I feel I should clarify, though. My comments, here, or in my post above, are not in any way intended to come across as judgemental of anyone who has found that a relationship has become damaging or toxic to themselves, has tried to change things, within their capacity to do so, but has met with indifference or disinterest from their partner, and has decided, for their own happiness, to end that relationship. I apologise unreservedly if anyone took my comments to mean that.
What I do question, yes, maybe even judge (I am human, after all), are those who walk away pretty fast when the going gets tough, as life is inclined to, or their partner for some reason no longer matches their arbitrary 'ideal', rather than offering understanding, support and empathy to a partner or spouse going through a difficult time or situation and making a genuine attempt to make the relationship work.*
(*Further caveat: this does not apply at all to anyone in an abusive relationship - in that situation I'm your biggest cheerleader and supporter to be up and out the door. Mutual respect and kindness are non-negotiables in my book.)0 -
And if life throws you a bunch of lemons, and suddenly 'looking good' isn't your priority for a while? Is that really a good enough reason to look for another option? Say there's a serious illness, or someone who needs full-time care and support, and there are kids to look after, and one of you loses your job, or has to quit to take care of a parent with Alzheimers, so there's not much money coming in (or at least a lot less than before), and both time and cash are too precious to be spent on the gym and hair dye. What then, Mike?
I find many of your beliefs and opinions to be formed around the ideal of an idyllic, trouble-free life, in which 'looking good' remains a top priority, presumably for both partners, until kingdom come, and any diversion from this is grounds for the other partner to look elsewhere for someone who better fits their physical preferences. It's a lovely fantasy, but how many people actually get to live their lives like that, start to finish? That's where the "for worse" but comes into marriage vows - if you're not prepared to stick around for the bad bits, the bits when your partner doesn't look as good as they once did, where their attention/libido/time/motivation is in short supply, or at least to try your hardest to work through those times together, then you really have no business making those vows, or offering a comparably serious commitment. Of course relationships/marriages may come to an end, and there is usually blame on both sides, but I really do wish that you would think about your priorities a bit more, and perhaps inject a dose of realism into the equation, just a touch.
I guess I'll comment on my idyllic, trouble free life since you managed to pack so much judgment in two small paragraphs. You're 100% right, my life is pretty darn idyllic, but it's no accident. I earned it and I sure as hell deserve it.
When I was at my university, while all the students were attending rallies, I was studying hard and getting A's. When my friends were playing Halo in the dorms, I was hitting the gym. When most of my friends moved to New York City of San Francisco to do the "struggling, free spirit" thing, I moved to a medium sized city and got a great job. When other friends taught English in Korea and back-packed through Europe, I was working my butt off at work. When they were paying $2000/month in rent to live in a trendy area, I lived within my means and saved for a house in an amazing area.
If I lost my job, I'd be able to get something very comparable because I have excellent work experience and a solid educational background. I take care of myself and don't foresee any major health problems in my future. Sure, stuff does happen (car accidents, cancer, etc). All you can do is your best to avoid these. Many car crashes are avoidable by not drinking and driving and paying attention to the road. If you don't smoke, do drugs, or drink in excess, you’ll cut down on health problems as well. Not to mention, heavy alcohol consumption or drug use makes you age much, much worse. Bottom line is that there's no excuse why people shouldn't take care of themselves.
My main problem with your assessment of me (besides being completely off) is that you assume that I live in some fantasy world and only good things happen to me. There is a very, very big difference between people with your type of mentality and mine. They want to live a fun, in-the-moment kind of lifestyle, but when crap hits the fan, they’re completely unprepared and don't want to pay the piper. Instead of self-reflection and improving their situation, they point the finger and blame the people who worked hard their whole lives and planned for those tough times, like it was their fault that they were unprepared.
And don't even give me the "you had all the opportunities to succeed" excuse. That's a total cop-out. I knew many rich kids from great families that got involved with drugs and didn't live to see their 25th birthday. I know people from very under privileged areas, single parent’s households that graduated from top colleges. Here in America (UK is similar), every child has a right to an education. If a kid wants to drop out and be a bum, then it's on him/her.
Funny enough, all those "free spirit / backpack through Europe" types I went to college with are the same men and women who have a flooring sense of self entitlement, crappy work ethic, and a warped sense of reality. Most had all the opportunity in the world to succeed, they used and abused their opportunities and have just been handed the proverbial bill and can't pay it.
So Castdiva, I plan on living my "living fantasy" for the rest of my life. I also plan on working hard, not putting the blame on others, and taking care of myself too. I fully expect my partner to do the same as well. And yes, contrary to what you think, I’m realistic.0 -
Funny enough, all those "free spirit / backpack through Europe" types I went to college with are the same men and women who have a flooring sense of self entitlement, crappy work ethic, and a warped sense of reality.You're 100% right, my life is pretty darn idyllic, but it's no accident. I earned it and I sure as hell deserve it.
:noway: Wow, talk about "a flooring sense of self entitlement". I've never understood the "I deserve it" attitude from ANYONE, no matter their background or work ethic.0 -
And if life throws you a bunch of lemons, and suddenly 'looking good' isn't your priority for a while? Is that really a good enough reason to look for another option? Say there's a serious illness, or someone who needs full-time care and support, and there are kids to look after, and one of you loses your job, or has to quit to take care of a parent with Alzheimers, so there's not much money coming in (or at least a lot less than before), and both time and cash are too precious to be spent on the gym and hair dye. What then, Mike?
I find many of your beliefs and opinions to be formed around the ideal of an idyllic, trouble-free life, in which 'looking good' remains a top priority, presumably for both partners, until kingdom come, and any diversion from this is grounds for the other partner to look elsewhere for someone who better fits their physical preferences. It's a lovely fantasy, but how many people actually get to live their lives like that, start to finish? That's where the "for worse" but comes into marriage vows - if you're not prepared to stick around for the bad bits, the bits when your partner doesn't look as good as they once did, where their attention/libido/time/motivation is in short supply, or at least to try your hardest to work through those times together, then you really have no business making those vows, or offering a comparably serious commitment. Of course relationships/marriages may come to an end, and there is usually blame on both sides, but I really do wish that you would think about your priorities a bit more, and perhaps inject a dose of realism into the equation, just a touch.
I guess I'll comment on my idyllic, trouble free life since you managed to pack so much judgment in two small paragraphs. You're 100% right, my life is pretty darn idyllic, but it's no accident. I earned it and I sure as hell deserve it.
When I was at my university, while all the students were attending rallies, I was studying hard and getting A's. When my friends were playing Halo in the dorms, I was hitting the gym. When most of my friends moved to New York City of San Francisco to do the "struggling, free spirit" thing, I moved to a medium sized city and got a great job. When other friends taught English in Korea and back-packed through Europe, I was working my butt off at work. When they were paying $2000/month in rent to live in a trendy area, I lived within my means and saved for a house in an amazing area.
If I lost my job, I'd be able to get something very comparable because I have excellent work experience and a solid educational background. I take care of myself and don't foresee any major health problems in my future. Sure, stuff does happen (car accidents, cancer, etc). All you can do is your best to avoid these. Many car crashes are avoidable by not drinking and driving and paying attention to the road. If you don't smoke, do drugs, or drink in excess, you’ll cut down on health problems as well. Not to mention, heavy alcohol consumption or drug use makes you age much, much worse. Bottom line is that there's no excuse why people shouldn't take care of themselves.
My main problem with your assessment of me (besides being completely off) is that you assume that I live in some fantasy world and only good things happen to me. There is a very, very big difference between people with your type of mentality and mine. They want to live a fun, in-the-moment kind of lifestyle, but when crap hits the fan, they’re completely unprepared and don't want to pay the piper. Instead of self-reflection and improving their situation, they point the finger and blame the people who worked hard their whole lives and planned for those tough times, like it was their fault that they were unprepared.
And don't even give me the "you had all the opportunities to succeed" excuse. That's a total cop-out. I knew many rich kids from great families that got involved with drugs and didn't live to see their 25th birthday. I know people from very under privileged areas, single parent’s households that graduated from top colleges. Here in America (UK is similar), every child has a right to an education. If a kid wants to drop out and be a bum, then it's on him/her.
Funny enough, all those "free spirit / backpack through Europe" types I went to college with are the same men and women who have a flooring sense of self entitlement, crappy work ethic, and a warped sense of reality. Most had all the opportunity in the world to succeed, they used and abused their opportunities and have just been handed the proverbial bill and can't pay it.
So Castdiva, I plan on living my "living fantasy" for the rest of my life. I also plan on working hard, not putting the blame on others, and taking care of myself too. I fully expect my partner to do the same as well. And yes, contrary to what you think, I’m realistic.
Firstly, well done - you sound like you've made some fantastic choices, and life is good. I'm genuinely pleased for you, Mike. You've taken your opportunities and made the most of them, and I applaud that. Like you, I know many children of wealthy families whose sense of entitlement and youthful arrogance led them down some fairly horrendous, sometimes fatal, paths. I also know some who have succeeded against all imaginable odds.
I never intended to imply that you did not earn your idyll, or that you don't deserve it, merely to point out that many of your opinions seem to stem from the assumption that all will always be thus, and that even the best-laid plans, the best, most-sensible, most-responsible lives, can, and frequently are, disrupted to their very foundations by circumstances that are not always possible to control, and sometimes have little or no relation to the individual themselves, or their choices. This, I know. I've lived it, and believe me, it was a shock to the system.
You said that "no-one would want a partner like that" - a partner, that is, who has "let themselves go completely". My question was this: When push comes to shove, if your partner 'let herself go' under circumstances that are beyond her, or your, ability to control, what then? Would you stick it out, try to work through it together, or would you, as your various posts on the subject have suggested, deem her 'failure' to keep herself 'looking good' under difficult or impossible circumstances, to be your justification for looking elsewhere? That's what I want to know. And while we're on the subject, what about if the situation were reversed and you were the one who was unable to maintain his youthful looks and physique? Would you accept your wife/partner/girlfriend's using that to justify her own departure?
Secondly, while I may have made some assumptions, it seems to me you're making a fair few about me too. I'm very glad (for you) that my perception of your mindset coming from a happy, comfortable life was reasonably accurate. I regret to inform you that your assumptions about me, my lifestyle, mindset and choices, are quite a distance off the mark.0 -
Isn`t this one of the most common reasons marriages fail.
"She let herself go and put on a bunch of weight"
"He used to be fun and do things but now just sits there watching TV"
I have known of both situations where the marriage blew apart.
So maybe this should be a separate topic but what is the preventative cure for either situation or just in general as we age and our lives change.
We talk at great lengths here about how to MAKE ourselves desirable to a potential partner but not so much on how to STAY that way.
It is almost assumed that it should just happen easily,without work or question.
However few aspects of life happen that way be it jobs,family or (can`t speak personally so presumably) relationships.0 -
See, I would be interested to know how many people walk away from a long term relationship "pretty fast", when life gets tough for one of the partners as you said. My guess is that it is close to 1%. These hypothetical people simply (barely) do not exist and if they do are abnormalities.I do question [...] those who walk away pretty fast when the going gets tough, as life is inclined to, or their partner for some reason no longer matches their arbitrary 'ideal',
rather than offering understanding, support and empathy to a partner or spouse going through a difficult time or situation and making a genuine attempt to make the relationship work.
Oh sure, if you're talking about dating, then I will walk away pretty fast at the sight of troubles and you too. After all, we don't know the person well enough on the first date, so we don't really care about their problems.
But people don't do this in serious relationships without trying at least to save the relationship.
What - also - you need to remember is that your time and your life are precious, and so you cannot just deal with people's *kitten* all the time. If you've been once with a person who was slacking then at the first sign of something similar happening with someone else, you won't wait long... You simply don't have the option to stay and wait another 5 years this second time.
What is "pretty fast"? When do you start defining the other person as a real "partner"? At what point do you consider you are in a "relationship" worth saving? What kind of "arbitrary ideal" are you talking about?
These are the most important unknowns in your equation, and they are very dependent on the individual so everyone knows deep inside when they have reached these different stages.
Exactly.So. Was I supposed to sacrifice my quality of life for his inability or disinterest in improving his?0 -
Isn`t this one of the most common reasons marriages fail.
"She let herself go and put on a bunch of weight"
"He used to be fun and do things but now just sits there watching TV"
I have known of both situations where the marriage blew apart.
So maybe this should be a separate topic but what is the preventative cure for either situation or just in general as we age and our lives change.
We talk at great lengths here about how to MAKE ourselves desirable to a potential partner but not so much on how to STAY that way.
It is almost assumed that it should just happen easily,without work or question.
However few aspects of life happen that way be it jobs,family or (can`t speak personally so presumably) relationships.
At the risk of sounding like a cracked record, choosing well to start with's got to help. Choosing a partner you like, respect, whose company you enjoy, even if that is just sitting at home together. Desire is important, undoubtedly, but I'm more and more skeptical that large amounts of lust are a truly-essential component of a successful marriage. Physical desire, I'm starting to think, is, amusingly, merely highly desirable.
My grandparents were married for 60-plus years, and were still visibly in love in their 80's. When asked what the secret was, both of them said that they had married their 'best friend', and through all life's challenges and changes, that remained a constant. Granny eventually became comfortably rotund (she was a great cook), Grandpa didn't (wish I'd inherited his metabolism!), but lost his hearing, and became shy about going out in public after the war, but they were still talking about anything and everything under the sun until the day he died, and he still brought her cornflowers every year, to mark the day they first met. The other 'secret', they said, was work - working to think of your spouse and their needs, before your own, working to have empathy for each other, working to be kind to each other, and to put aside anger, selfishness and petty grievances, and most importantly, working together, so that there was time for them to be a couple - just them. No mean feat whilst running a large farm, upon which many more people than just themselves and their family depended for their livelihood.
As for "common reasons"..common excuses, maybe.0 -
See, I would be interested to know how many people walk away from a long term relationship "pretty fast", when life gets tough for one of the partners as you said. My guess is that it is close to 1%. These hypothetical people simply (barely) do not exist and if they do are abnormalities.I do question [...] those who walk away pretty fast when the going gets tough, as life is inclined to, or their partner for some reason no longer matches their arbitrary 'ideal',
rather than offering understanding, support and empathy to a partner or spouse going through a difficult time or situation and making a genuine attempt to make the relationship work.
Oh sure, if you're talking about dating, then I will walk away pretty fast at the sight of troubles and you too. After all, we don't know the person well enough on the first date, so we don't really care about their problems.
But people don't do this in serious relationships without trying at least to save the relationship.
What - also - you need to remember is that your time and your life are precious, and so you cannot just deal with people's *kitten* all the time. If you've been once with a person who was slacking then at the first sign of something similar happening with someone else, you won't wait long... You simply don't have the option to stay and wait another 5 years this second time.
What is "pretty fast"? When do you start defining the other person as a real "partner"? At what point do you consider you are in a "relationship" worth saving? What kind of "arbitrary ideal" are you talking about?
These are the most important unknowns in your equation, and they are very dependent on the individual so everyone knows deep inside when they have reached these different stages.
For me.. it took years. We were together for 6 years and I would say that at least 2-3 of those years I wasn't actually in love with him, but kept trying to justify staying as he was such a good person and the friendship aspect to the relationship was still technically working. I am actually terrified about falling into the same "comfortable" patterns again with someone else...because I don't want to spend these years of my life sacrificing my opportunities, potential and happiness.
Yesterday I was at a work event and someone expressed interest.. gave me his card, found me on FB, started a conversation about going out together, and we have mutual friends and even might have known each other a long time ago. He's charismatic and interesting..and we had some good banter. Normally I'd be intrigued. But he is somewhat overweight. Attractive, but overweight. And that made me stop and think. I know it is hypocritical as I'm also currently overweight..but am most assuredly changing. If he isn't focused on health and fitness, now or in near future, I have to ask myself....is this something I even want to bother exploring?
Things to think about indeed.0 -
Mike, Castadiva, I think you guys aren't arguing the same topic anymore.
While I don't agree with Mike when he said (or agreed with) the assertion that people always have their eyes out for a better option and that as soon as that comes along they move on, that is sometimes (not always!) the case. I don't know if Mike was saying he was the type of guy or not, it sounded more like an observation than anything.
Castadiva, I don't really think Mike is advocating abandoning your mate the moment they get struck with leukemia and lose their hair through radiation, or get diagnosed with breast cancer and must undergo a mastectomy. I think it would matter more how people get through the tough spots in life. Do they put their nose to the grindstone and do the best they can through it? Or do they give up their lives to depression - and while there will be ups and downs and difficulties managing it, the overall attitude is what shapes the person that you love. I am optimistic enough to believe that of Mike.
So while I do think it would be sh*tty if someone left me for another woman despite being perfectly happy just because she has bigger boobs and is therefore higher up on the ladder, I think we all agree that when the relationship goes to *kitten* there's nothing wrong with locating a better partner.0
This discussion has been closed.