What should I have done ..
Options
Replies
-
I should use this as a disclaimer before my posts so that all the special little snowflakes (:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:) don't feel personally attacked.The original poster, along with many of the women here have concurred and said that they would also have acted shy or awkward or embarrassed. Neither you or I are among that group, so let's just assume that we were not the ones being addressed.
Women ARE confusing, as are men. People are confusing! Stereotypes exist for a reason, though I agree, often they do more harm than good, and most everyone wants to think of themselves as perfectly unique, individual and special little snowflakes.
Sometimes though, it is simply easier to address the group, particularly when a majority of that group seem to share a similar experience and/or viewpoint.. No one wants to be accused of picking on a specific individual, and truthfully the OP was not the only woman to share that opinion.0 -
Maybe this goes beyond the thread but this is exasperating to me as a guy,our minds just do not work in any way that this makes sense.Ladies...the vast majority of you have stated that you want/expect/demand a guy initiates contact.
Most have also said that rejection is something they fear and here it is not in play.
Now you all are saying that when a guy does just what you want you can`t deal with it?
Take a deep breath and a moments thought about this and stop this silliness.
That is not meant as snarky,just think about it and do what you should when the situation that you desire presents itself.
The problem here is that what we think we would do if a situation arises can be completely different from reality...blame chick flicks for this since they make meeting seem so easy and natural. :laugh: Yes, women (generally speaking) enjoy when guys initiate contact. But the reality is that Jen was standing in line in a sub shop on a workday. This is just a guess based on my own experience, but she was probably standing there debating her order (and possibly worrying how it will fit into her MFP food log), possibly checking messages on her phone, and lamenting the fact that she would be late getting back to work, among a million other thoughts on a 'normal' day. Just because in fantasy we'd all like to be talked up in line does not mean that we are used to it in real life, so I can completely understand how and why she became tongue tied when it actually happened.
Really? Serious question - is that because you are only ever thinking of one thing at a time, and so find it easier to switch from one thought/situation to the next? That sounds insulting, and it's not meant to - I'm just curious, because I have always assumed that most people have multiple thoughts going most of the time. I think it's fair to say that most women do, in any case. Is this not so for men? I know we're supposed to be better at multi-tasking than you guys, but do you literally have one-track minds? (I've always assumed that to be hyperbole!)
The situation described sounds awfully familiar to me - if I'm in a queue for lunch, I'm probably doing half-a-dozen things, mentally at least, while standing there, and I'm probably not expecting to be chatted up, so I'm unlikely to have my brain in that 'gear'. When something occurs that is unexpected or out of context, and breaks into the thought stream, I'm not really on my A-game to respond appropriately, as the sudden halt to the other six-ten thoughts is a bit disconcerting, and it takes a moment or two (usually too long!) to assemble an appropriate response!0 -
Please don't beat yourself up over this. SOMEthing in your subconscious was giving you CLEAR signals that something wasn't right. There was something very uncomfortable with the idea that a guy could behave so boldly based solely on the way you look. As much as we idolize Love at First Sight in this culture, it can contradict some of our most intimate workings. Speaking for myself alone, I feel frightened of ANYONE who approaches me that way- because I feel he has a whole other Agenda that has nothing to do with who I am under the skin. And besides I hate being Hunted. So - please give your gut some credit even as it gets tinier and tinier....:flowerforyou:0
-
Maybe this goes beyond the thread but this is exasperating to me as a guy,our minds just do not work in any way that this makes sense.Ladies...the vast majority of you have stated that you want/expect/demand a guy initiates contact.
Most have also said that rejection is something they fear and here it is not in play.
Now you all are saying that when a guy does just what you want you can`t deal with it?
Take a deep breath and a moments thought about this and stop this silliness.
That is not meant as snarky,just think about it and do what you should when the situation that you desire presents itself.
The problem here is that what we think we would do if a situation arises can be completely different from reality...blame chick flicks for this since they make meeting seem so easy and natural. :laugh: Yes, women (generally speaking) enjoy when guys initiate contact. But the reality is that Jen was standing in line in a sub shop on a workday. This is just a guess based on my own experience, but she was probably standing there debating her order (and possibly worrying how it will fit into her MFP food log), possibly checking messages on her phone, and lamenting the fact that she would be late getting back to work, among a million other thoughts on a 'normal' day. Just because in fantasy we'd all like to be talked up in line does not mean that we are used to it in real life, so I can completely understand how and why she became tongue tied when it actually happened.
Really? Serious question - is that because you are only ever thinking of one thing at a time, and so find it easier to switch from one thought/situation to the next? That sounds insulting, and it's not meant to - I'm just curious, because I have always assumed that most people have multiple thoughts going most of the time. I think it's fair to say that most women do, in any case. Is this not so for men? I know we're supposed to be better at multi-tasking than you guys, but do you literally have one-track minds? (I've always assumed that to be hyperbole!)
The situation described sounds awfully familiar to me - if I'm in a queue for lunch, I'm probably doing half-a-dozen things, mentally at least, while standing there, and I'm probably not expecting to be chatted up, so I'm unlikely to have my brain in that 'gear'. When something occurs that is unexpected or out of context, and breaks into the thought stream, I'm not really on my A-game to respond appropriately, as the sudden halt to the other six-ten thoughts is a bit disconcerting, and it takes a moment or two (usually too long!) to assemble an appropriate response!
No,just simply A to B linear thinking....If B is desired as a result of A then when A occurs one should act accordingly.
I am not picking on Jen or anyone else,all I am saying is that people need to act in accordance to their expressed desires when obvious it is time to do so.0 -
I think that's were the "practice makes perfect" thing comes into play...The situation described sounds awfully familiar to me - if I'm in a queue for lunch, I'm probably doing half-a-dozen things, mentally at least, while standing there, and I'm probably not expecting to be chatted up, so I'm unlikely to have my brain in that 'gear'. When something occurs that is unexpected or out of context, and breaks into the thought stream, I'm not really on my A-game to respond appropriately, as the sudden halt to the other six-ten thoughts is a bit disconcerting, and it takes a moment or two (usually too long!) to assemble an appropriate response!
If you practice social interactions for a while and become good at talking to people, it becomes extremely easy to talk to people in any situation and to change gear in an instant.
You just respond naturally without even thinking too much about it, and if both people are making that effort (conscious or subconscious), you should get a decent enough conversation going - which would allow for number swapping at some stage.
As others said, also, it isn't so much about the actual content of the interactions but more about the interaction itself (smile immediately, be relaxed, etc.).0 -
I think that's were the "practice makes perfect" thing comes into play...The situation described sounds awfully familiar to me - if I'm in a queue for lunch, I'm probably doing half-a-dozen things, mentally at least, while standing there, and I'm probably not expecting to be chatted up, so I'm unlikely to have my brain in that 'gear'. When something occurs that is unexpected or out of context, and breaks into the thought stream, I'm not really on my A-game to respond appropriately, as the sudden halt to the other six-ten thoughts is a bit disconcerting, and it takes a moment or two (usually too long!) to assemble an appropriate response!
If you practice social interactions for a while and become good at talking to people, it becomes extremely easy to talk to people in any situation and to change gear in an instant.
You just respond naturally without even thinking too much about it, and if both people are making that effort (conscious or subconscious), you should get a decent enough conversation going - which would allow for number swapping at some stage.
As others said, also, it isn't so much about the actual content of the interactions but more about the interaction itself (smile immediately, be relaxed, etc.).
Most of us, I would guess, have no problem talking to people in general - chit chat's an easy jump, that requires little significant mental engagement - but when someone good looking is making an obvious 'play' that seems out of context, it jars, and puts one off balance (and a bit tense, in consequence), which isn't ideal for producing fluent communication, or even a smile... Kind of like someone suddenly asking about your sex-life in church would be a jarring non-sequitur, that would require the brain to come to a screeching halt, say 'huh?!?!?' and then re-engage, about 20 seconds later. 20 seconds is fine in church, but a loooooong time in a lunch queue!:laugh:0 -
No,just simply A to B linear thinking....If B is desired as a result of A then when A occurs one should act accordingly.
I am not picking on Jen or anyone else,all I am saying is that people need to act in accordance to their expressed desires when obvious it is time to do so.
OK, but when one is not expecting 'A', and is then surprised by it, one is unlikely to be prepared, and may reasonably react in an unpredictable or illogical way! If someone hit on you while you were in the middle of something totally mundane and not prime flirting territory/time, like buying lunch, do you think you would be absolutely at the top of your game, and reacting in the most logical way?
Anything unexpected is going to put you off the nice logical, linear thought. Some jerk groped my breast on a bus in Salzburg a few years ago. Logically I should have slapped him, or made some sort of outcry. It was, however, so unexpected, that I did none of those things, but removed his hand and walked on by to the back of the bus, where it took another few seconds for my brain to process an appropriate response, by which time it was too late! The context was wrong - I wasn't expecting getting on the bus to involve being felt-up by some random Austrian, so my brain did not provide the logical response fast enough for me to act on it. That's normal.0 -
That's because your perverted mind can only think of this guy as a "lover", whereas my pure mind sees any girl talking to me as a "friend" first and foremost (not different from a guy)... which makes chit-chat completely acceptable UNTIL the point at which I actually see the girl in a different light.Most of us, I would guess, have no problem talking to people in general - chit chat's an easy jump, that requires little significant mental engagement - but when someone good looking is making an obvious 'play' that seems out of context, it jars, and puts one off balance (and a bit tense, in consequence), which isn't ideal for producing fluent communication, or even a smile... Kind of like someone suddenly asking about your sex-life in church would be a jarring non-sequitur, that would require the brain to come to a screeching halt, say 'huh?!?!?' and then re-engage, about 20 seconds later. 20 seconds is fine in church, but a loooooong time in a lunch queue!:laugh:
Truth.
Although the true reason why this happens might not be because of my "pure" mind, but more a mix of desperation and boredom.0 -
Who knows,assuming it happened and was clearly the case then it becomes a matter of reasoning out the circumstances.No,just simply A to B linear thinking....If B is desired as a result of A then when A occurs one should act accordingly.
I am not picking on Jen or anyone else,all I am saying is that people need to act in accordance to their expressed desires when obvious it is time to do so.
OK, but when one is not expecting 'A', and is then surprised by it, one is unlikely to be prepared, and may reasonably react in an unpredictable or illogical way! If someone hit on you while you were in the middle of something totally mundane and not prime flirting territory/time, like buying lunch, do you think you would be absolutely at the top of your game, and reacting in the most logical way?
Sure there could be doubts and insecurities,guys have them too even though we are negatively judged for it as being weak.
Think about it and the position this puts guys in and not a woe is us thing.
Most women here have said they strongly prefer or flat out have to have the guy iniate contact.
Most have said they fear and loathe rejection but now in this thread are suggesting it is reasonable when the situation arises to react in a way that rejects the guy doing exactly what has been expressed as the desire.
We don`t particularly like being shot down either.
In short I think rather then commiserate,the advice given about taking a proactive response is what should carry the day and be what ladys should aspire to and actively work on.0 -
Who knows,assuming it happened and was clearly the case then it becomes a matter of reasoning out the circumstances.No,just simply A to B linear thinking....If B is desired as a result of A then when A occurs one should act accordingly.
I am not picking on Jen or anyone else,all I am saying is that people need to act in accordance to their expressed desires when obvious it is time to do so.
OK, but when one is not expecting 'A', and is then surprised by it, one is unlikely to be prepared, and may reasonably react in an unpredictable or illogical way! If someone hit on you while you were in the middle of something totally mundane and not prime flirting territory/time, like buying lunch, do you think you would be absolutely at the top of your game, and reacting in the most logical way?
Sure there could be doubts and insecurities,guys have them too even though we are negatively judged for it as being weak.
Think about it and the position this puts guys in and not a woe is us thing.
Most women here have said they strongly prefer or flat out have to have the guy iniate contact.
Most have said they fear and loathe rejection but now in this thread are suggesting it is reasonable when the situation arises to react in a way that rejects the guy doing exactly what has been expressed as the desire.
We don`t particularly like being shot down either.
In short I think rather then commiserate,the advice given about taking a proactive response is what should carry the day and be what ladys should aspire to and actively work on.
It's not necessarily that we want to reject the guy, Carl, it's just that, if someone cute starts flirting with us somewhere we wouldn't normally expect that, we don't always react the way we'd like to, or logically should. Most of the time, if he's halfway decent, and doesn't give us slimy vibes, we're walking away kicking ourselves, head-to-toe blushing, and feeling stupid because all we could come up with on the spur of the moment was monosyllables. (not all of us - sorry Kit and SB! - but a lot!). Cut us a bit of slack - women are humans, too, with all the fallibility and moments of discomposure that go along with that!
FlimFlam... How many women do you start randomly talking to, with a flirtatious tone, in your average lunch/coffee line, unless you already see them in "a different light" or think they have nice eyes/breasts/hair/etc ? Hmmmmm?0 -
Who knows,assuming it happened and was clearly the case then it becomes a matter of reasoning out the circumstances.No,just simply A to B linear thinking....If B is desired as a result of A then when A occurs one should act accordingly.
I am not picking on Jen or anyone else,all I am saying is that people need to act in accordance to their expressed desires when obvious it is time to do so.
OK, but when one is not expecting 'A', and is then surprised by it, one is unlikely to be prepared, and may reasonably react in an unpredictable or illogical way! If someone hit on you while you were in the middle of something totally mundane and not prime flirting territory/time, like buying lunch, do you think you would be absolutely at the top of your game, and reacting in the most logical way?
Sure there could be doubts and insecurities,guys have them too even though we are negatively judged for it as being weak.
Think about it and the position this puts guys in and not a woe is us thing.
Most women here have said they strongly prefer or flat out have to have the guy iniate contact.
Most have said they fear and loathe rejection but now in this thread are suggesting it is reasonable when the situation arises to react in a way that rejects the guy doing exactly what has been expressed as the desire.
We don`t particularly like being shot down either.
In short I think rather then commiserate,the advice given about taking a proactive response is what should carry the day and be what ladys should aspire to and actively work on.
It's not necessarily that we want to reject the guy, Carl, it's just that, if someone cute starts flirting with us somewhere we wouldn't normally expect that, we don't always react the way we'd like to, or logically should. Most of the time, if he's halfway decent, and doesn't give us slimy vibes, we're walking away kicking ourselves, head-to-toe blushing, and feeling stupid because all we could come up with on the spur of the moment was monosyllables. (not all of us - sorry Kit and SB! - but a lot!). Cut us a bit of slack - women are humans, too, with all the fallibility and moments of discomposure that go along with that!
FlimFlam... How many women do you start randomly talking to, with a flirtatious tone, in your average lunch/coffee line, unless you already see them in "a different light" or think they have nice eyes/breasts/hair/etc ? Hmmmmm?
It would seem to me then the problem is you have set up perameters as to where one can expect tobe flirted with...let life unfold as it does naturally.0 -
Who knows,assuming it happened and was clearly the case then it becomes a matter of reasoning out the circumstances.No,just simply A to B linear thinking....If B is desired as a result of A then when A occurs one should act accordingly.
I am not picking on Jen or anyone else,all I am saying is that people need to act in accordance to their expressed desires when obvious it is time to do so.
OK, but when one is not expecting 'A', and is then surprised by it, one is unlikely to be prepared, and may reasonably react in an unpredictable or illogical way! If someone hit on you while you were in the middle of something totally mundane and not prime flirting territory/time, like buying lunch, do you think you would be absolutely at the top of your game, and reacting in the most logical way?
Sure there could be doubts and insecurities,guys have them too even though we are negatively judged for it as being weak.
Think about it and the position this puts guys in and not a woe is us thing.
Most women here have said they strongly prefer or flat out have to have the guy iniate contact.
Most have said they fear and loathe rejection but now in this thread are suggesting it is reasonable when the situation arises to react in a way that rejects the guy doing exactly what has been expressed as the desire.
We don`t particularly like being shot down either.
In short I think rather then commiserate,the advice given about taking a proactive response is what should carry the day and be what ladys should aspire to and actively work on.
It's not necessarily that we want to reject the guy, Carl, it's just that, if someone cute starts flirting with us somewhere we wouldn't normally expect that, we don't always react the way we'd like to, or logically should. Most of the time, if he's halfway decent, and doesn't give us slimy vibes, we're walking away kicking ourselves, head-to-toe blushing, and feeling stupid because all we could come up with on the spur of the moment was monosyllables. (not all of us - sorry Kit and SB! - but a lot!). Cut us a bit of slack - women are humans, too, with all the fallibility and moments of discomposure that go along with that!
FlimFlam... How many women do you start randomly talking to, with a flirtatious tone, in your average lunch/coffee line, unless you already see them in "a different light" or think they have nice eyes/breasts/hair/etc ? Hmmmmm?
It would seem to me then the problem is you have set up perameters as to where one can expect tobe flirted with...let life unfold as it does naturally.
Oh good grief! I'll rephrase - if I'm busy getting on with something totally mundane, minding my own business, checking my messages, waiting to order lunch - whatever - and someone randomly starts to speak to me in a flirtatious way, I am likely to be surprised by it. I may not consequently react as I would wish to, or logically should. I assume from your responses that you have never had a moment of being taken off-guard or caught off-balance/on the wrong foot in your life. I'm pleased for you.
Carl, I think you're a nice guy, but so often, you seem to assume that women are all highly self-assured, egocentric b*%^£es who are maliciously out to 'get' men; whose aim is to make men feel uncomfortable or rejected, or to make you the butt of our next joke to tell our girlfriends. Honestly, I assure you, most of us - the vast majority - are not. We may mostly hide it better than many men, but we're just as insecure, just as awkward, just as unsure of ourselves, for the most part, as you (men) are.0 -
Who knows,assuming it happened and was clearly the case then it becomes a matter of reasoning out the circumstances.No,just simply A to B linear thinking....If B is desired as a result of A then when A occurs one should act accordingly.
I am not picking on Jen or anyone else,all I am saying is that people need to act in accordance to their expressed desires when obvious it is time to do so.
OK, but when one is not expecting 'A', and is then surprised by it, one is unlikely to be prepared, and may reasonably react in an unpredictable or illogical way! If someone hit on you while you were in the middle of something totally mundane and not prime flirting territory/time, like buying lunch, do you think you would be absolutely at the top of your game, and reacting in the most logical way?
Sure there could be doubts and insecurities,guys have them too even though we are negatively judged for it as being weak.
Think about it and the position this puts guys in and not a woe is us thing.
Most women here have said they strongly prefer or flat out have to have the guy iniate contact.
Most have said they fear and loathe rejection but now in this thread are suggesting it is reasonable when the situation arises to react in a way that rejects the guy doing exactly what has been expressed as the desire.
We don`t particularly like being shot down either.
In short I think rather then commiserate,the advice given about taking a proactive response is what should carry the day and be what ladys should aspire to and actively work on.
It's not necessarily that we want to reject the guy, Carl, it's just that, if someone cute starts flirting with us somewhere we wouldn't normally expect that, we don't always react the way we'd like to, or logically should. Most of the time, if he's halfway decent, and doesn't give us slimy vibes, we're walking away kicking ourselves, head-to-toe blushing, and feeling stupid because all we could come up with on the spur of the moment was monosyllables. (not all of us - sorry Kit and SB! - but a lot!). Cut us a bit of slack - women are humans, too, with all the fallibility and moments of discomposure that go along with that!
FlimFlam... How many women do you start randomly talking to, with a flirtatious tone, in your average lunch/coffee line, unless you already see them in "a different light" or think they have nice eyes/breasts/hair/etc ? Hmmmmm?
It would seem to me then the problem is you have set up perameters as to where one can expect tobe flirted with...let life unfold as it does naturally.
Oh good grief! I'll rephrase - if I'm busy getting on with something totally mundane, minding my own business, checking my messages, waiting to order lunch - whatever - and someone randomly starts to speak to me in a flirtatious way, I am likely to be surprised by it. I may not consequently react as I would wish to, or logically should. I assume from your responses that you have never had a moment of being taken off-guard or caught off-balance/on the wrong foot in your life. I'm pleased for you.
Carl, I think you're a nice guy, but so often, you seem to assume that women are all highly self-assured, egocentric b*%^£es who are maliciously out to 'get' men; whose aim is to make men feel uncomfortable or rejected, or to make you the butt of our next joke to tell our girlfriends. Honestly, I assure you, most of us - the vast majority - are not. We may mostly hide it better than many men, but we're just as insecure, just as awkward, just as unsure of ourselves, for the most part, as you (men) are.
I honestly have no clue where that statement can be drawn from anything I have posted here.
Suggesting that people actually live their lives in accordance with what they have said is the ideal is somehow this?
Whatever I guess...sheesh.0 -
I honestly have no clue where that statement can be drawn from anything I have posted here.
Suggesting that people actually live their lives in accordance with what they have said is the ideal is somehow this?
Whatever I guess...sheesh.
It's a cumulative impression, from many, many posts in this and other threads. I'm glad you think I've misread you - I hope that's the case, and it may well be a 'no tone on the internet' thing - but this is the impression I sometimes get from you.0 -
Carl, you need to stop being so damn nice to women. Women are like sharks.. they detect a nice guy and see how much they can get away with. If they think you'll be a doormat, they will treat you as such. There's certainly a time and place for being nice, but (sadly) women respect jerks more than the "nice guy" initially.
At least this has been my 30 years of experience dealing with the opposite sex.0 -
This also makes me shake my head and think what the??Carl, you need to stop being so damn nice to women. Women are like sharks.. they detect a nice guy and see how much they can get away with. If they think you'll be a doormat, they will treat you as such. There's certainly a time and place for being nice, but (sadly) women respect jerks more than the "nice guy" initially.
At least this has been my 30 years of experience dealing with the opposite sex.
Oh well,another day of golf awaits. :drinker:0 -
This also makes me shake my head and think what the??Carl, you need to stop being so damn nice to women. Women are like sharks.. they detect a nice guy and see how much they can get away with. If they think you'll be a doormat, they will treat you as such. There's certainly a time and place for being nice, but (sadly) women respect jerks more than the "nice guy" initially.
At least this has been my 30 years of experience dealing with the opposite sex.
Oh well,another day of golf awaits. :drinker:
Because golf makes sense.. interaction between the sexes doesn't.
I'll take 18 holes of golf over dating any day.0 -
I really did mean the sentimate of the statement.
This also makes me shake my head and think what the??Carl, you need to stop being so damn nice to women. Women are like sharks.. they detect a nice guy and see how much they can get away with. If they think you'll be a doormat, they will treat you as such. There's certainly a time and place for being nice, but (sadly) women respect jerks more than the "nice guy" initially.
At least this has been my 30 years of experience dealing with the opposite sex.
Oh well,another day of golf awaits. :drinker:
Because golf makes sense.. interaction between the sexes doesn't.
I'll take 18 holes of golf over dating any day.
I have a guy saying I am too nice and a lady saying I am kind of bitter( my take on it).
Both can not be true.0 -
Wow. I have no idea how my 5 minute lunch fail turned into this .. but Carl .. I would like a divorce. That was just mean.
Thanks to those who gave me some ways to handle the situation next time! :smooched:0 -
@Carl You're not bitter. There are a lot of bitter people on here, but you certainly aren't one of them.0
