"Let's hang out"

christine24t

Caught the end of a segment on Ryan Seacrest's show about dating. He was discussing how rare it is these days for men to ask women on a date. Tons of women were calling in and saying that men will ask them to hang out, or meet up with a group of friends, but they won't ask them on a date.

One girl called in and said "I'm 22 and no man has ever said to me "hi, would you like to go out to dinner with me?" All I get asked is to hang out."

Question for the men:
1) are you guilty of pulling the "lets hang out" card
A) if yes, why?
if no, what do you say to women you ask out?

Women
1) has a man ever asked you out this way? Did you accept?
2) what do you think about it?

And for both genders:
1) has dating become more casual than it used to be? Is that good or bad?

TheKitsune6

1) Yes, and yes.

2) I think it's fine. I think it's a casual way to address what could otherwise be a very stressful situation. It's kind of like a "let's see if we like each other enough to do something more formal" deal. In fact, I prefer hanging out and getting to know each other over a couple drinks before we get dinner together. Something playful and fun like Karaoke or bowling with a couple friends let's you be yourself more than getting primped up for a high end sushi joint that is playing music so loud you can hardly hear each other!

3) I think it depends on the person. Some people like me prefer a more relaxed attitude toward dating. Some people want the pomp and formality. It's just another way to determine if you're a fit for another person. A guy you would want to date will ask you out in a way that you would accept. When I ask a guy out, I ask him to hang out because it's less threatening. It also leaves the door open for maybe just being friends if you aren't romantically drawn to each other.

I know this is also a way to get someone to be FWB, but as long as you don't settle for that then what's the big deal?

DMZ_1

Caught the end of a segment on Ryan Seacrest's show about dating. He was discussing how rare it is these days for men to ask women on a date. Tons of women were calling in and saying that men will ask them to hang out, or meet up with a group of friends, but they won't ask them on a date.

One girl called in and said "I'm 22 and no man has ever said to me "hi, would you like to go out to dinner with me?" All I get asked is to hang out."

Question for the men:
1) are you guilty of pulling the "lets hang out" card
A) if yes, why?
if no, what do you say to women you ask out?

And for both genders:
1) has dating become more casual than it used to be? Is that good or bad?

1. I never use the phrase "lets hang out" with a woman. In the early stages, I will ask them to do X activity with me. I don't precisely use the word date, but I'm good at making my intentions known. If there's physical contact and kissing, you know that you both feel attraction and that you are going to be more than just regular friends.

Dating has become more casual, and in many ways, that is not a good thing. But the real answer to "Is that good or bad?" is "it is complicated".

Jennifer2387

Having been single for not so long .. I totally have noticed this. I have yet to be asked to go on a date. I have been asked to watch a movie or to hang out, but not .. hey would you like to have dinner with me on friday where I will pick you up and pay for your meal real kind of date.

Part of me likes that it isn't so serious .. but another part of me wishes that it would be more romantic.

afv417

Caught the end of a segment on Ryan Seacrest's show about dating. He was discussing how rare it is these days for men to ask women on a date. Tons of women were calling in and saying that men will ask them to hang out, or meet up with a group of friends, but they won't ask them on a date.

One girl called in and said "I'm 22 and no man has ever said to me "hi, would you like to go out to dinner with me?" All I get asked is to hang out."

Question for the men:
1) are you guilty of pulling the "lets hang out" card
A) if yes, why?
if no, what do you say to women you ask out?

Women
1) has a man ever asked you out this way? Did you accept?
2) what do you think about it?

And for both genders:
1) has dating become more casual than it used to be? Is that good or bad?

1) Yes, I've been asked out on dates.
2) If I were asked by a new guy to hang out I wouldn't think of it as a date.

I think dating HAS become more casual. I've been dating a guy for two months and we haven't had a conversation about where we see this going or how each of us feel about what we have going on. What we have is actually good for right now. No commitments, no pressure; however, we take each other out to eat and to events, talk every night and see each other every weekend, spend the night... you name it.

What I miss is someone actually asking you to be their girlfriend, or to go steady with you. That conversation is missed nowadays. It's more like: "whatever happens, happens". :frown:

Carl01

This is tangent and also a rant but bear with me.

When I was in Dallas in August I walked down to Dealy Plaza where President Kennedy was assassinated.
This is a spot where the entire course of our country and world changed in 3 seconds.
It is a sobering thing to go through the museum on the sixth floor and see where Oswald shot from.

The road is marked at the locations where the bullets struck and there was what appeared to be a classroom of kids there.
They would go out to the spot and make goofy poses,the sideways or upside down peace sign (whatever the hell that stupid looking thing means) so they could have their picture taken.

To me it was utterly disgraceful and not one adult in the group even tried to stop them.
I wanted to kick their collective *kitten*.

Okay so the point is that as a society we have lost basic elements of respect it seems.
I suppose this is the result of the MTV/electronic culture but it is to me sad.

This fits in with that whether it is basic manners or taking anything seriously,we have not advanced in the last 30 years.

kls13la

I rarely have had a guy use the actual word "date". Usually it's along the lines of "Would you like to have drinks on Wednesday?" or "Would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" or "Would you like to get together on Sunday?" I can't recall being specifically asked to "hang out." I think maybe that is more prevalent among the younger set?

That said, dating has become a lot more casual, which I hate. I don't like doing "hang out" dates, as in "hang out on the couch watching a movie" in the very beginning, but a lot of men seem to think that is a cool activity for a second date. The lack of planning dates is also stunning, as compared to ten years ago (in my experience). I mean, if if a man asks me out to dinner for 7 p.m. on Saturday, I don't expect him to be calling me at 6 p.m. and asking me what I feel like eating, or being taken to a restaurant where we have to wait for 90 minutes to be seated. Pick a place and make a damn reservation -- it's not that hard.

DMZ_1

I feel that a lot of the casualness in dating has been initiated by women. Many men have noticed that if the word "date" gets brought up too early, there is a tendency for women to become more defensive and less in the moment. Men are about achievement and the casual approach has seen to work more in recent times. Not saying that I agree with this entirely, but that's some of the feedback I've gotten over time.

DMZ_1

The lack of planning dates is also stunning, as compared to ten years ago (in my experience). I mean, if if a man asks me out to dinner for 7 p.m. on Saturday, I don't expect him to be calling me at 6 p.m. and asking me what I feel like eating, or being taken to a restaurant where we have to wait for 90 minutes to be seated. Pick a place and make a damn reservation -- it's not that hard.

Yes and no. Date planning isn't entirely the easiest thing. I think there is a tendency for women to underestimate what actually goes into date planning. There are times where we feel like unpaid social activities coordinators. Over an extended period of time, we like feedback from the woman and assistance in planning.

With that said though, in the example you gave, you have every reason to be upset. There should have been more planning in that. I've always felt that it is about creating quality times together, and a haphazard approach involving a 90 minute wait for seating isn't the greatest.

Danielle_2013

The last three men I've been out with all asked if they could take me out for dinner. Quite specific wording actually.
It was made very clear that these were dates, that there was romantic interest, and that they would be paying. In two cases, I suggested a few places for dinner and it was mutually agreed on, and the third situation, he suggested the restaurant.

I have never done the meet up for drinks thing. Movies either. Don't know why. Back in my university days though, it was ALL "let's hang out".

With my boyfriend, we actually met Oct 31st and didn't have our first date till Nov 10 because of illness and scheduling. We talked quite a bit between then though. So on our first date (in which we had very decidedly un-first date kind of conversations), he actually let me know that he'd like me to be his girlfriend.

I appreciate being with someone who knows what he wants and is clear about it. Oh.. I guess today is our one month anniversary.. if I were into cheesy markings of dating time..which I'm not!

Incidentally though, at what point should I kick myself out of this group? Technically I'm single and dating..

kls13la

I feel that a lot of the casualness in dating has been initiated by women. Many men have noticed that if the word "date" gets brought up too early, there is a tendency for women to become more defensive and less in the moment. Men are about achievement and the casual approach has seen to work more in recent times. Not saying that I agree with this entirely, but that's some of the feedback I've gotten over time.

I totally disagree that it's been initiated by women, although I do think women as a group haven't opposed it -- creating the situation where it is now the rule and not the exception. Our society things has gotten much more casual, dating included, and a lot of men have realized that they don't have to put out all the stops anymore and properly "court" a woman, and they can still get laid and have a good time without having to worry about formal dating, commitment, or anything else. And younger woman have come to accept this approach and view it as the norm, including the pressure to have sex on date three or sooner. I think it's really sad. I'm not really sure what you mean by women getting defensive about the word "date." Generally speaking, I think women do appreciate a proper date (yes, I know there are exceptions) when they like the guy. The only time I can see defensiveness happening and pushing a "hang out" label is when the woman really isn't that into the guy.

afv417

The lack of planning dates is also stunning, as compared to ten years ago (in my experience). I mean, if if a man asks me out to dinner for 7 p.m. on Saturday, I don't expect him to be calling me at 6 p.m. and asking me what I feel like eating, or being taken to a restaurant where we have to wait for 90 minutes to be seated. Pick a place and make a damn reservation -- it's not that hard.

Yes and no. Date planning isn't entirely the easiest thing. I think there is a tendency for women to underestimate what actually goes into date planning. There are times where we feel like unpaid social activities coordinators. Over an extended period of time, we like feedback from the woman and assistance in planning.

With that said though, in the example you gave, you have every reason to be upset. There should have been more planning in that. I've always felt that it is about creating quality times together, and a haphazard approach involving a 90 minute wait for seating isn't the greatest.

When my parents met.... back in the 80's... my dad called my mom about 8 times before their FIRST date and made reservations, was respectful, showed that he was interested... about 8 months in my mom said: "Ok, so are we getting married?" and that was that.

If a man IS that interested, why do they choose not to show their emotions like this anymore? I experienced that with ONE ex... He was head over heels and not afraid to show it. Now I don't see that happening so often... not just with me but with my friends. Is it not manly enough!? I don't get it...

afv417

The last three men I've been out with all asked if they could take me out for dinner. Quite specific wording actually.
It was made very clear that these were dates, that there was romantic interest, and that they would be paying. In two cases, I suggested a few places for dinner and it was mutually agreed on, and the third situation, he suggested the restaurant.

I have never done the meet up for drinks thing. Movies either. Don't know why. Back in my university days though, it was ALL "let's hang out".

With my boyfriend, we actually met Oct 31st and didn't have our first date till Nov 10 because of illness and scheduling. We talked quite a bit between then though. So on our first date (in which we had very decidedly un-first date kind of conversations), he actually let me know that he'd like me to be his girlfriend.

I appreciate being with someone who knows what he wants and is clear about it. Oh.. I guess today is our one month anniversary.. if I were into cheesy markings of dating time..which I'm not!

Incidentally though, at what point should I kick myself out of this group? Technically I'm single and dating..

I think you need to stick around I appreciate your input! It's not like you're cheating on him by having fun with us!! :flowerforyou:

briebear77

Hang out = Cop out. I hate being asked to "hang out." Man up and ask me on a freaking date.

kls13la

Yes and no. Date planning isn't entirely the easiest thing. I think there is a tendency for women to underestimate what actually goes into date planning. There are times where we feel like unpaid social activities coordinators. Over an extended period of time, we like feedback from the woman and assistance in planning.

Yes, I can see how very difficult and time consuming it would be to log on to Open Table, choose a restaurant, and click the button for a reservation at the appropriate time. :flowerforyou:

Over an extended period of time is something different entirely. Obviously after a relationship gets going both parties should make an effort to plan things to do. I'm mainly talking about the first few dates.

castadiva

Huh... maybe I've been going on dates without realising that's what they were for years. 'Let's hang out' to me sounds like a friendly joint activity, not a date.

TheKitsune6

This is tangent and also a rant but bear with me.

When I was in Dallas in August I walked down to Dealy Plaza where President Kennedy was assassinated.
This is a spot where the entire course of our country and world changed in 3 seconds.
It is a sobering thing to go through the museum on the sixth floor and see where Oswald shot from.

The road is marked at the locations where the bullets struck and there was what appeared to be a classroom of kids there.
They would go out to the spot and make goofy poses,the sideways or upside down peace sign (whatever the hell that stupid looking thing means) so they could have their picture taken.

To me it was utterly disgraceful and not one adult in the group even tried to stop them.
I wanted to kick their collective *kitten*.

Okay so the point is that as a society we have lost basic elements of respect it seems.
I suppose this is the result of the MTV/electronic culture but it is to me sad.

This fits in with that whether it is basic manners or taking anything seriously,we have not advanced in the last 30 years.

This is common in every generation. It's more about a lack of understanding. These kids haven't been consciously aware of a tragedy in their lifetime. They don't know what it's like for your entire world to get rocked and come into question. Yeah, it's disrespectful, but it's not because they're twerps it's because they are incapable of understanding that type of horror until they experience it for themselves. While yeah, they should have been reigned in, I would be more upset at the adults for allowing that to happen rather than the kids themselves who were acting from the very definition of innocence. You can know that something happened without being able to really process it.

DMZ_1

Yes and no. Date planning isn't entirely the easiest thing. I think there is a tendency for women to underestimate what actually goes into date planning. There are times where we feel like unpaid social activities coordinators. Over an extended period of time, we like feedback from the woman and assistance in planning.

Yes, I can see how very difficult and time consuming it would be to log on to Open Table, choose a restaurant, and click the button for a reservation at the appropriate time. :flowerforyou:

Over an extended period of time is something different entirely. Obviously after a relationship gets going both parties should make an effort to plan things to do. I'm mainly talking about the first few dates.

Yes, but your first paragraph assumes a one time thing. Think about it in terms of scale. Most early round dates fail. So the guy is repeating the early stage date planning process time and time again. Doing it time and time again gets nauseating for most guys.

DMZ_1

This is common in every generation. It's more about a lack of understanding. These kids haven't been consciously aware of a tragedy in their lifetime. They don't know what it's like for your entire world to get rocked and come into question. Yeah, it's disrespectful, but it's not because they're twerps it's because they are incapable of understanding that type of horror until they experience it for themselves. While yeah, they should have been reigned in, I would be more upset at the adults for allowing that to happen rather than the kids themselves who were acting from the very definition of innocence. You can know that something happened without being able to really process it.

The current economic conditions (2007-present) doesn't qualify as a tragedy? This is the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression.

RosscoBoscko

Never used the "lets hang out " phrase as far as dates go, might use it with female friends as have a couple of these who are close confidantes.

Then again never actually asked anyone out on a date. Have issues of self esteem and self confidence. My ex who was already part of the same social group made the first move (once i finally realised she was interested) by suggesting we just met up and chatted on our own to see how things went. Once we had decided there was something there I asked her out to dinner, for our first official date, but did tell her she would have to wait a week until my payday! She agreed and said it was the first time anyone had ever taken her out for a meal (had been with her ex for 15 years).

As far as has dating become more casual, I can't answer, but personally I always had in mind to ask her out for a meal very early on, and would do so again in the unlikely event of meeting anyone else. If they're not from same social group more likely to be sooner, although I think cinema trips etc are a good way to work out if you are compatible without the more intense situation of a dinner in a restaurant.

DMZ_1

I feel that a lot of the casualness in dating has been initiated by women. Many men have noticed that if the word "date" gets brought up too early, there is a tendency for women to become more defensive and less in the moment. Men are about achievement and the casual approach has seen to work more in recent times. Not saying that I agree with this entirely, but that's some of the feedback I've gotten over time.

I totally disagree that it's been initiated by women, although I do think women as a group haven't opposed it -- creating the situation where it is now the rule and not the exception. Our society things has gotten much more casual, dating included, and a lot of men have realized that they don't have to put out all the stops anymore and properly "court" a woman, and they can still get laid and have a good time without having to worry about formal dating, commitment, or anything else. And younger woman have come to accept this approach and view it as the norm, including the pressure to have sex on date three or sooner. I think it's really sad. I'm not really sure what you mean by women getting defensive about the word "date." Generally speaking, I think women do appreciate a proper date (yes, I know there are exceptions) when they like the guy. The only time I can see defensiveness happening and pushing a "hang out" label is when the woman really isn't that into the guy.

I feel like we're saying the same thing, but in wholly different ways.

I agree that there has been a push towards informality in a lot of aspects of life.

A large contingent of men consider having a good time and getting laid without formal dating, commitment or anything else to be a good thing. Since men are generally outcome oriented, this is perceived as a success for many men.

The word "date" does have different connotative meaning than "hang out" for sure, though I have never used the word "hang out". I let my actions on the date show that I am romantically interested in her.

RosscoBoscko

If a man IS that interested, why do they choose not to show their emotions like this anymore? I experienced that with ONE ex... He was head over heels and not afraid to show it. Now I don't see that happening so often... not just with me but with my friends. Is it not manly enough!? I don't get it...

Personally I made the mistake of not showing this enough, but mine was to do with issues of depression and anxiety which I let stop me being how I wanted to be as had convinced myself I might lose her if I seemed too full on. Lost her anyway and I still say its at least partly because she wasn't sure if i still felt the same or exactly how strong my feelings were. In the unlikely event I'm ever in that situation again, I will make sure they and everyone else know exactly how I feel about them.

flimflamfloz

If a man IS that interested, why do they choose not to show their emotions like this anymore?
I experienced that with ONE ex... He was head over heels and not afraid to show it.

Looks like it didn't work too well for him in the end...

Now I don't see that happening so often... not just with me but with my friends. Is it not manly enough!? I don't get it...

Looks like it's not getting in the way of them having relationships...
It's just one more of these things that "would be nice" but that fundamentally nobody cares about.

pa_jorg

This is common in every generation. It's more about a lack of understanding. These kids haven't been consciously aware of a tragedy in their lifetime. They don't know what it's like for your entire world to get rocked and come into question. Yeah, it's disrespectful, but it's not because they're twerps it's because they are incapable of understanding that type of horror until they experience it for themselves. While yeah, they should have been reigned in, I would be more upset at the adults for allowing that to happen rather than the kids themselves who were acting from the very definition of innocence. You can know that something happened without being able to really process it.

The current economic conditions (2007-present) doesn't qualify as a tragedy? This is the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression.

Are you really comparing a bad economy to a serious tragedy (9/11 for example)? Sorry, that's apples and oranges in my opinion.

TheKitsune6

This is common in every generation. It's more about a lack of understanding. These kids haven't been consciously aware of a tragedy in their lifetime. They don't know what it's like for your entire world to get rocked and come into question. Yeah, it's disrespectful, but it's not because they're twerps it's because they are incapable of understanding that type of horror until they experience it for themselves. While yeah, they should have been reigned in, I would be more upset at the adults for allowing that to happen rather than the kids themselves who were acting from the very definition of innocence. You can know that something happened without being able to really process it.

The current economic conditions (2007-present) doesn't qualify as a tragedy? This is the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression.

Are you really comparing a bad economy to a serious tragedy (9/11 for example)? Sorry, that's apples and oranges in my opinion.

Not to mention the current economic environment, though bad, is NOT a tragedy. People are still getting fed, have places to sleep and can live their lives (albeit without as much frivolity as was so common in the 90's). My guess is that these kids AREN'T the ones that are stricken with homelessness, the ones that don't have to wear shoes two sizes too small, or haven't even owned a new piece of clothing in their life.

PJ is right, significant tragedies and our concept of them is marked with solid events, dates, times. "Over 3000 people died in one horrific day and was the launching point for several wars that we still haven't recovered from" is FAR worse than "In a little under a decade some people lost their jobs and struggled a bit but most made it out fine."

afv417

If a man IS that interested, why do they choose not to show their emotions like this anymore?
I experienced that with ONE ex... He was head over heels and not afraid to show it.

Looks like it didn't work too well for him in the end...

Now I don't see that happening so often... not just with me but with my friends. Is it not manly enough!? I don't get it...

Looks like it's not getting in the way of them having relationships...
It's just one more of these things that "would be nice" but that fundamentally nobody cares about.

He tried reconnecting with me after a few years. He still hadn't grown up and I didn't give him a chance. It was very very unfortunate, but he died in a car accident a few months later.

It isn't getting in the way of them having relationships because I think many of us settle (not all of us admit this).

*Edit- typo

afv417

If a man IS that interested, why do they choose not to show their emotions like this anymore? I experienced that with ONE ex... He was head over heels and not afraid to show it. Now I don't see that happening so often... not just with me but with my friends. Is it not manly enough!? I don't get it...

Personally I made the mistake of not showing this enough, but mine was to do with issues of depression and anxiety which I let stop me being how I wanted to be as had convinced myself I might lose her if I seemed too full on. Lost her anyway and I still say its at least partly because she wasn't sure if i still felt the same or exactly how strong my feelings were. In the unlikely event I'm ever in that situation again, I will make sure they and everyone else know exactly how I feel about them.

And sometimes it takes losing someone to realize this...

Glad you are sure of it for next time

farmers_daughter

This is tangent and also a rant but bear with me.

When I was in Dallas in August I walked down to Dealy Plaza where President Kennedy was assassinated.
This is a spot where the entire course of our country and world changed in 3 seconds.
It is a sobering thing to go through the museum on the sixth floor and see where Oswald shot from.

The road is marked at the locations where the bullets struck and there was what appeared to be a classroom of kids there.
They would go out to the spot and make goofy poses,the sideways or upside down peace sign (whatever the hell that stupid looking thing means) so they could have their picture taken.

To me it was utterly disgraceful and not one adult in the group even tried to stop them.
I wanted to kick their collective *kitten*.

Okay so the point is that as a society we have lost basic elements of respect it seems.
I suppose this is the result of the MTV/electronic culture but it is to me sad.

This fits in with that whether it is basic manners or taking anything seriously,we have not advanced in the last 30 years.

I'm going to second you on this Carl.
The sad thing is that I think we are going to have to sit back and watch alot more stupid crap take place...with even less respect than what we've witnessed thus far.

4themoney

i make sure that i only accept the invite if it is a date, and i'm interested in the person.

i've even had conversations discussing our plans and had him make sure we both agreed it was a date......

this last guy, he was one of those. he wanted me to know it was a date. we did talk on the phone several times before we met the first time.

interestingly enough, he sent me a text saturday night that said " i'm getting off of work now. whatcha up to?" i was going to baby sit for a friend, but i responded that i was helping a friend and that if he wanted to see me, he could ask me out on a date.

never heard back LOL!!!!!!

Roadie2000

I'm sure I've used the "hang out" card plenty of times. Why? Lots of reasons.

1. That's just how I talk. I think it sounds stupid saying "Do you want to go on a date this weekend."
2. I like keeping things casual. I have no idea if we'll hit it off romantically, let's hang out and see what happens.
3. If someone has a problem with me saying "hang out" instead of "date" then they're probably not my type.
4. I don't have everything planned when I ask them out, it leaves my options open. Generally I'll see what day they are free and then think of something to do.
5. I'm making it clear that I'd like to spend time with them and get to know them better, my choice of words shouldn't matter one bit. Would you rather I say "Would you like to go to dinner so I can get a couple drinks in you then go back to my place and have crazy monkey sex?"
6. If you don't want to hang out with me then I assume there's a good chance you don't want to date me either.

dbrightwell1270

I don't think I've ever asked any gal to just hang out but most of my recent dates I've met through online sites. However, almost everything I've read from women seems to make me think hanging out is the ideal way to get to know someone. The general consensus among the women here is that whoever asks the other out on a date should pay for it (which is a BS cop out since most of the same women also say they will hint that they are interested but won't actually ask a guy out.). The women also say that guys need to be assertive in making plans. It seems rather utopian for the women. All you have to do is sit back in judgement while the guy puts in all the effort and money. A rational response is to ask a girl to hang out. It's not a date so the guy shouldn't be expected to pay (by the reasoning presented by women here) and there is no need to go through all the hassle of planning.