"Let's hang out"
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And sometimes it takes losing someone to realize this...
Glad you are sure of it for next time
Much good that'll do me now! lost my chance doubt i'll get another.0 -
I rarely have had a guy use the actual word "date". Usually it's along the lines of "Would you like to have drinks on Wednesday?" or "Would you like to have dinner on Saturday?" or "Would you like to get together on Sunday?" I can't recall being specifically asked to "hang out." I think maybe that is more prevalent among the younger set?
That said, dating has become a lot more casual, which I hate. I don't like doing "hang out" dates, as in "hang out on the couch watching a movie" in the very beginning, but a lot of men seem to think that is a cool activity for a second date. The lack of planning dates is also stunning, as compared to ten years ago (in my experience). I mean, if if a man asks me out to dinner for 7 p.m. on Saturday, I don't expect him to be calling me at 6 p.m. and asking me what I feel like eating, or being taken to a restaurant where we have to wait for 90 minutes to be seated. Pick a place and make a damn reservation -- it's not that hard.
This has been completely my experience. "Hanging out" meaning "watch a movie" at my place. I'm pretty informal, but I think that's why my relationship history up until now has been a series of three month casual flings that just naturally fizzle out. There was no effort, no planning. If I tried to plan (and I'd pay if I planned), men made it feel like I was trying to get them to buy me stuff. If you refused the hang out at your house, the same thing. It was insinuated that you were a gold digger. I just want a little effort if you are truly interested. Just ice cream is fine. Go to the park for a walk. But "watch a movie" really does turn into that they are hoping for a friend with benefits. Girlfriend experience minus the strings. I wouldn't even mind the 90 min restaurant wait, at least there was a destination and a plan. I don't mind a hang out at a pub or coffee for the first meet and greet or to see if there is romantic interest, in fact I prefer it, but after that going straight to the couch on date number two or three never really worked out for me.0 -
I totally disagree that it's been initiated by women, although I do think women as a group haven't opposed it -- creating the situation where it is now the rule and not the exception. Our society things has gotten much more casual, dating included, and a lot of men have realized that they don't have to put out all the stops anymore and properly "court" a woman, and they can still get laid and have a good time without having to worry about formal dating, commitment, or anything else. And younger woman have come to accept this approach and view it as the norm, including the pressure to have sex on date three or sooner. I think it's really sad. I'm not really sure what you mean by women getting defensive about the word "date." Generally speaking, I think women do appreciate a proper date (yes, I know there are exceptions) when they like the guy. The only time I can see defensiveness happening and pushing a "hang out" label is when the woman really isn't that into the guy.
Absolutely agree. I was going with the flow and being low maintenance and having a good time but it felt like I was de-valueing myself. You teach people how to treat you. I expected nothing so I got nothing and I was single and flitting around without anyone showing me that I was worth effort until my current relationship. I never wanted Spago, but a date where someone made a plan and didn't try to get in my pants on the second "hang out" would have been great. Saying hang out is safer than saying date, but it wasn't just terminology in my experiences both with men older and younger...hang out meant not go anywhere or come over last minute when they were bored or were done with their real plans that you weren't invited to. lol0 -
Wow this sparked a lot of good thoughts!I think it depends on the person. Some people like me prefer a more relaxed attitude toward dating. Some people want the pomp and formality. It's just another way to determine if you're a fit for another person. A guy you would want to date will ask you out in a way that you would accept. When I ask a guy out, I ask him to hang out because it's less threatening. It also leaves the door open for maybe just being friends if you aren't romantically drawn to each other.
Very good point.
I do think that pulling the "hang out" card is much easier for a man that to say, "hey, do you want to go out?" But at the same time, you're going to get major cred if you actually ask "would you like to go on a date with me?" So it's a catch-22. Friend-zone or risk embarrassment?1. I never use the phrase "lets hang out" with a woman. In the early stages, I will ask them to do X activity with me. I don't precisely use the word date, but I'm good at making my intentions known. If there's physical contact and kissing, you know that you both feel attraction and that you are going to be more than just regular friends.
I think you're right on.There are times where we feel like unpaid social activities coordinators.
Jill Kelley, you're on MFP?
HahaOur society things has gotten much more casual, dating included, and a lot of men have realized that they don't have to put out all the stops anymore and properly "court" a woman, and they can still get laid and have a good time without having to worry about formal dating, commitment, or anything else.
I completely agree.
Unfortunately, in a world where plenty of women are willing to have casual sex with men (and if that is your choice that is fine, I respect it), it is much harder for more "traditional" women to be asked out. Why would a man go to the trouble of asking me out when other girls will put out without wanting to date him?Huh... maybe I've been going on dates without realising that's what they were for years. 'Let's hang out' to me sounds like a friendly joint activity, not a date.
I think though that the "hang outs," once you are there, will turn into something more flirty and a date feeling. To me, the hangout issue is two-fold. One, that the man gets away with a date without actually asking and two, that he gets away not wooing you as much (ie: that instead of taking you out in public, he watches a movie that he already had in his DVD collection).interestingly enough, he sent me a text saturday night that said " i'm getting off of work now. whatcha up to?" i was going to baby sit for a friend, but i responded that i was helping a friend and that if he wanted to see me, he could ask me out on a date.
never heard back LOL!!!!!!
Wow!:(There's a HUGE difference between saying "let's hang out and grab a drink at a local pub" as opposed to "let's hang out and watch a movie at my place."
Agreed. But I still hate the term hangout. You hangout with your friends, not someone new you want to date.My guess is that the latter indicates less of a "get to know you" and more of a "let's have sex and then I'll give you cab fare to get home so you don't stay the night" type vibe.
Or he's cheap.Saying hang out is safer than saying date, but it wasn't just terminology in my experiences both with men older and younger...hang out meant not go anywhere or come over last minute when they were bored or were done with their real plans that you weren't invited to. lol
Yes, so true.0 -
Hanging out, to me, screams of friends turning into fwb.... I want to date, NOT hang out.
As for the financial situation/ convo, I wonder if the reason our current financial state doesn't seem so scary is because of the govt welfare programs, and insured banks now..... There is a smaller risk of finding yourself homeless and without
Food these days because the govt learned from its mistakes. But, that doesn't mean thins aren't bad out there....
People are talking about this " cliff" we are on. And it's VERY real!! Where I live there are so many foreclosures it's not funny!! Short sales too. I know people who can't find work, like me, and we have 4 yr degrees in specific fields ( like engineering and nursing). I start work next month working for a niche company. Basically people who can afford to pay for a private night baby nurse!!! I'm glad there are people who can afford that, but I can't get a nursing job in a hospital!!! A lot of new nursing grads can't either!! And that is scary!!
The housing market will be greatly
Affected by this " economic cliff". People are losing their homes. It's different through from the time
Of the great depression though. People lost their job and then went to the bank and the bank didn't have any of their savings for them. They couldn't pay anything, and then the banks came after their homes. And it was happening in such large numbers. It was really hard to see my neighbors disappear over night due to being foreclosed on. But the diff between then and now, is that they were the only ones on our street, so far. My other neighbor lost her job months ago and still can't find anything.....0 -
Whether or not I "should" feel this way or not, I have been flattered by being asked out for dinner dates as it does convey that I am worth the investment of time, energy and money to go on a date with. Perhaps I have met more confident, somewhat conservative or quite simply charming gentlemen these days.. I'm not sure. Yes, I have had the FWB situation also recently, but it has been clear and well established at the start.
Men, do you think there is anything women can actually do to ensure they aren't being asked just to "hang out" (assuming they'd like more)?0 -
Men, do you think there is anything women can actually do to ensure they aren't being asked just to "hang out" (assuming they'd like more)?
I'm not a man, but if I may make a suggestion: I've always found that "What, you mean a date?" to work pretty well as far as clarification.0 -
People are talking about this " cliff" we are on. And it's VERY real!! Where I live there are so many foreclosures it's not funny!! Short sales too. I know people who can't find work, like me, and we have 4 yr degrees in specific fields ( like engineering and nursing). I start work next month working for a niche company. Basically people who can afford to pay for a private night baby nurse!!! I'm glad there are people who can afford that, but I can't get a nursing job in a hospital!!! A lot of new nursing grads can't either!! And that is scary!!
When nurses can't get jobs, that's a problem. Nursing has always had the rep of being one of the hot career paths. With the way nursing has been hyped, you would think that having a pulse and the appropriate certification would entitle you to a nursing job.
I've also been hearing some stories about accountants getting laid off. Accounting has also been hyped as a solid career.0 -
People are talking about this " cliff" we are on. And it's VERY real!! Where I live there are so many foreclosures it's not funny!! Short sales too. I know people who can't find work, like me, and we have 4 yr degrees in specific fields ( like engineering and nursing). I start work next month working for a niche company. Basically people who can afford to pay for a private night baby nurse!!! I'm glad there are people who can afford that, but I can't get a nursing job in a hospital!!! A lot of new nursing grads can't either!! And that is scary!!
When nurses can't get jobs, that's a problem. Nursing has always had the rep of being one of the hot career paths. With the way nursing has been hyped, you would think that having a pulse and the appropriate certification would entitle you to a nursing job.
I've also been hearing some stories about accountants getting laid off. Accounting has also been hyped as a solid career.
See my last response(s) regarding this. Answers your comments.0 -
When nurses can't get jobs, that's a problem. Nursing has always had the rep of being one of the hot career paths. With the way nursing has been hyped, you would think that having a pulse and the appropriate certification would entitle you to a nursing job.
I've also been hearing some stories about accountants getting laid off. Accounting has also been hyped as a solid career.
I graduated in May with my BSN, got my RN license in June...applied for tons of jobs. I hardly ever even got a rejection letter. I was lucky to find a job in long-term care, but it's not what I want to do with the rest of my life.
There are a ton of nursing jobs. But they won't hire people without experience, because it's expensive to train them.0 -
Kind of off-topic, but most people I know who have gone into this type of health professions job have to pay their dues first when the first graduate. A friend of mine just landed a nursing job she wants after working horrible shifts in an area she isn't interested in. My sister is a speech therapist and it was usual (probably still is) in her field, which is very female-dominated, for new graduates to work several maternity leaves before landing a long term job in their desired area, although I know my sister worked for a long time in a job after the maternity leaves that wasn't really what she wanted. That was long before this economy and I think is pretty typical of jobs where you need to gain experience to become a highly desirable applicant for a job.0
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I'm guessing this is a sign of the times. I've never been asked to hang out other than in a friends-type situation (I'm 42, so probably not my generation doing this, I mean). To me, it would suggest a lack of interest (or to put it another way, an interest in being only friends). I would probably accept such an offer, but he would very likely find himself nice and securely placed in the Friend Zone if that's how I was asked!Caught the end of a segment on Ryan Seacrest's show about dating. He was discussing how rare it is these days for men to ask women on a date. Tons of women were calling in and saying that men will ask them to hang out, or meet up with a group of friends, but they won't ask them on a date.
One girl called in and said "I'm 22 and no man has ever said to me "hi, would you like to go out to dinner with me?" All I get asked is to hang out."
Question for the men:
1) are you guilty of pulling the "lets hang out" card
A) if yes, why?
if no, what do you say to women you ask out?
Women
1) has a man ever asked you out this way? Did you accept?
2) what do you think about it?
And for both genders:
1) has dating become more casual than it used to be? Is that good or bad?0 -
Kind of off-topic, but most people I know who have gone into this type of health professions job have to pay their dues first when the first graduate.
Definitely true.
It also depends on what areas you live in. More rural areas it is easier to get a job. In Minneapolis, being a new grad sucks.
ETA - just look at jobs at a huge hospital near me. There are over 10 pages of RN jobs...I applied for many of them in July, didn't even get a call or interview or anything.0 -
i always think guys saying they wanna hang out means make out/have sex.0
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Kind of off-topic, but most people I know who have gone into this type of health professions job have to pay their dues first when the first graduate.
Definitely true.
It also depends on what areas you live in. More rural areas it is easier to get a job. In Minneapolis, being a new grad sucks.
ETA - just look at jobs at a huge hospital near me. There are over 10 pages of RN jobs...I applied for many of them in July, didn't even get a call or interview or anything.
Off Topic-I am a NP, but when I worked as a nurse the field was so oversaturated. Everyone wants to become a nurse. They just fool people into thinking there is currently a nursing shortage.
Back on topic- this "hang out" thing is apparently very common with the 35 and younger age group. I have been asked out on dates for the most part, but I think it has become so informal. People basically get to know each other over the phone or by texting each other. The last guy I went out with we went out on 2 dates, but we hung out at his house a lot more which sort of bothered me. It was so difficult to get to know someone when there is a bedroom around the corner. I never slept with him, but he apparently dragged me to his house so he can do sexual things with me. Thank goodness I didn't because he showed his true colors soon enough. These days people usually go out on fewer than 5 dates or so before they start "hanging out" or becoming a couple. I think it should be a mixture of both for about 6 months before the relationship becomes official.0 -
Don't most young people or recent grads have to pay their dues when starting out regardless of their field? Why does anyone assume they deserve a great, high-income career without paying their dues first?Kind of off-topic, but most people I know who have gone into this type of health professions job have to pay their dues first when the first graduate.0 -
when i graduated i got job offers every where i applied. i worked at CHOP, one of the top peds hospitals in the country. i was making 50,000 RIGHT out of school. worked 3 12s a week. i NEVER had an issue finding a job when i wanted to move on. NEVER. there were enough jobs and fewer people fighting over those jobs.
even 5 years ago the market was better than it is now. i would look online and there were plenty of job listings.
now, it's pitiful!!! there aren't many jobs out there. and there are many people applying for those jobs. the local hospital is part of a company that owns several hospitals around me. they are DOWNSIZING all over. so, fewer jobs and more people applying. plus, less pay and worse hours. then, 35-40 min west of me, there is a hospital that is actually growing. they are building and hiring.
it's possible it's lip service, but all of my nursing friends have been telling me how bad it is and all of the nurses that i know that have tried to find work are struggling to find any job!
and yes, i agree, "hang out = SEX"
Off Topic-I am a NP, but when I worked as a nurse the field was so oversaturated. Everyone wants to become a nurse. They just fool people into thinking there is currently a nursing shortage.0 -
here's the thing. dudes are gonna dude, so if you let them get away with lazy "hang out" dates where they have to do little to no work to get what they want then that's what you have to expect to get.
don't get me wrong. if you want to just "hang out", or be FWB, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! But what women (i wont even say young women either since i know grown 40+ YO women who havent figured this out yet) need to realize is if you want something more serious and less nebulous than being the hang out partner then they need to demand that from the beginning. once you become hang out girl, the odds of you being upgraded to actual girl friend are very slim. i've known far too many women who have been in "hang out" relationships with dudes, for years even, with kids even, only to find herself kicked to the curb when he finds an actual woman he does want to be in a relationship with.
now i'll answer the questions:
1) has a man ever asked you out this way? Yes
Did you accept? In the past, yes but that was because it wasnt clear to me it was a date. I hang out with my friends so in my mind that's not a date. The hangout guy subconsciously gets stored in my friend zone section .. Currently no and hell no. there are definitely guys in the 35+ crowd who are asking for hang out dates
2) what do you think about it? it's never been a problem for me, but i have had situations where guys get pissed when i invite a date to our "hangouts" :laugh: i never find out they are upset until months later when the the truth comes out that in their minds we were dating simply because we were hanging out. all i can do in those situations is be like "oh. sorry i misunderstood, but you really need to be more explicit in your intentions".
i dont automatically assume that just because i'm out with a guy i'm out on a date.
one of the most recent times this happened was when went to a (guy) friend's bday party. another (female) friend of mine came with me and the guy introduced himself and was like mesha broke my heart last year. i was like wtf? but basically it was because i'd flirt with other guys when we were hanging out. i was just like i had NO idea you were interested in that way. i mean for real how the hell was i supposed to know?!?!
has dating become more casual than it used to be? Is that good or bad? - definitely more casual. i do notice older people are doing the same stuff that should have stopped doing in their early 20's.
for instance the whole "hang out" thing was the stepping stone to gf/bf status when you're in HIGH SCHOOL since many people arent allowed to have steady bf/gfs until they are older 16/17. what surprises me is that there are people in their late 20's 30 40's etc who are still "hanging out". it's definitely not my thing and all of my female friends who do that type thing end up being very dissatisfied, especially if there's sex involved.0 -
Yes, it is very easy. I am under the impression that the women on here are mainly whiny wimps who complain about everything.
I'm not a man, but if I may make a suggestion: I've always found that "What, you mean a date?" to work pretty well as far as clarification.Men, do you think there is anything women can actually do to ensure they aren't being asked just to "hang out" (assuming they'd like more)?
I think the position of women in dating is changing/has changed and they are slowly getting off their pedestal (although this has not entirely changed).
This is a good thing as it puts both partners on a more equal footing. Overall, women who realise this and start pulling the cover to themselves (active) as opposed to being passive with their dating will be in a much better spot.
So yes, dating has (probably) become more casual. That's not to say that you won't find someone who calls a date a date... It might not be as easy as it would have been in the past.
From my understanding, the modern heartbroken woman likes to consider these "dates" as hangouts too, as it removes a lot of the pressure for her as well and allows her to pull off at any moment, victorious.
Too casual? Not from my point of view.
There is a difference between being relaxed about seeing a girl and not being too formal about it, and hiding your intentions with the girl behind so called "hangouts" forever.0 -
I think Mesha is absolutely right. In fact, I've been struggling to understand what "hanging out" is all about. My age, combined with living out of the US for so long, makes it hard to even understand what the concept really means.
However, if "hanging out" means a girl comes over to your house/apartment, has a few drinks, perhaps watches TV or plays video games (I assume that's what you young kids do), and then has sex, well..... congrats guys! Great work! I spent my 16-30 youth figuring out how to manage this very scenario! Low cost, no commitment, efficient, etc. Just an excuse to have sex. High five!
On the other hand, I'm really struggling what advantage this gives to women, unless of course they just want casual sex, as well. And as Mesha noted, that's cool, too, if that's your thing. But please don't expect to be upgraded to proper girlfriend when you are the "hang out buddy". Although I feel rather bad explaining this as a guy, since I suppose it's better to keep quiet.
However, as someone noted (the lawyer lady with the nice shoes?), perhaps American men have not devised a cunning strategy to get boatloads of women to their flats for cheap sex. Perhaps it's all just a pathetic symptom of dwindling social skills, more a reflection of emotional incompetence? Doesn't seem plausible, since, as the nice lawyer lady noted, how hard can it be to make a restaurant reservation, or check the program at the local cinema? I mean, come on, nobody is that stupid.
Hang out culture: brilliant plan, or unbelievable incompetence? Tough call...
--P0
