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  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,011 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)
  • garnetsms
    garnetsms Posts: 10,018 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)

    I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...

    Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)

    I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...

    Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
    Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.

    There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.

    @moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.
  • garnetsms
    garnetsms Posts: 10,018 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)

    I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...

    Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
    Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.

    There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.

    @moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.

    May I wish well on this? The fact that you know it (and what causes it) is a step in the right direction. What you choose to do with it is completely up to you.
  • RunIntheMud
    RunIntheMud Posts: 2,645 Member
    Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.

    There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.

    @moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.

    There are women that are not physically affectionate. Me, I'm a total snuggler. But, i have friends that HATE affection, but are still very feminine. It's just a matter of finding that right fit. A piece of advice my mother gave me was when something doesn't flow naturally, it's just not going to work no matter how hard you try. I don't know your whole situation, so this may just be a small piece, but don't change yourself to fit her needs. There is always a bit of compromise to be made within a relationship, but you should never make yourself uncomfortable for the sake of another.

    In regards to the emotional depedancy....this may be because of the lack (or perceived lack) of physical affection. If she feels her needs are not being met physically, then she may be trying to compensate in other ways (emotionally). I was in this exact situation with my last LTR.
  • moonshadows72
    moonshadows72 Posts: 180 Member
    If she has been feeling insecure for any reason lately, she could be trying to seek affermation to rebuild her spirits. She could be looking to you and your affection to help her feel better about herself. This puts extra strain on you if it is not something your comfortable with.

    My sugestion is to take a look at her life, or talk with her, and see if you can find any changes reciently that may make her feel insecure or insignificant.

    Every woman needs to feel special. Some can find it themselves. Some requre others to show them.

    Also If her life has changed much since you and her started to get serious, that could affect her too. Especialy if she no longer accomplishes everything she used to in a day. The more time she spends with you, the less time she has for her self.

    Either way, I wish you well. Good luck!
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)

    I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...

    Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
    Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.

    There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.

    @moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.

    @Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)

    I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...

    Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
    Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.

    There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.

    @moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.

    interesting. i'm a very affectionate , touchy feely person. no i'm not needy at all i'm usually very confident and independent but I do like the feeling of being affectionate with someone. it drives me crazy if the person i'm with doesnt like that.
    its just weird to me but i'm glad you are confirming that its not her its you, because someone has told me that before and i didnt think it was true.
  • garnetsms
    garnetsms Posts: 10,018 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)

    I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...

    Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
    Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.

    There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.

    @moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.

    @Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

    Would you believe I was thinking they same thing but wasn't sure how to approach the topic? I highly recommend this for any couple.

    I also found the 5 Love Lanuguages for Teenagers...but that is a completely different topic.
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    @Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
    We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.

    Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,011 Member
    @Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
    We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.

    Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.

    I am not an overly affectionate person either. I like somethings, but I think too much PDA is kinda icky to me.
    I think if you are feeling blindsided, then you should sit down with her and say... 'hey we agreed to A, but I am feeling that you are frustrated becuase I am not providing B and I am not even sure what B is' haha ok bad example but you get my point. If you think she is worth it, communication next hurt anyone.

    ETA: I dont need a hug or kiss when you pick me up, but I want a kiss goodbye. I don't NEED to hold your hand in public all the time, but a hand on my leg or around my shoulders on the couch I like.... just that kinda thing
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    @Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
    We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.

    Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.

    Sorry you feel blindsided. That's the worst, especially when you already feel as though you're putting in so much effort.

    On another note, can I just say that I might be swooning a bit by how hard you're trying in this situation. It would be nice to see more guys put in the effort you seem to be once in a while. :embarassed: :flowerforyou:
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,011 Member
    If she has been feeling insecure for any reason lately, she could be trying to seek affermation to rebuild her spirits. She could be looking to you and your affection to help her feel better about herself. This puts extra strain on you if it is not something your comfortable with.

    My sugestion is to take a look at her life, or talk with her, and see if you can find any changes reciently that may make her feel insecure or insignificant.

    Every woman needs to feel special. Some can find it themselves. Some requre others to show them.

    Also If her life has changed much since you and her started to get serious, that could affect her too. Especialy if she no longer accomplishes everything she used to in a day. The more time she spends with you, the less time she has for her self.

    Either way, I wish you well. Good luck!

    Where are men like you in my neck of the woods? ;)
  • Moe4572
    Moe4572 Posts: 1,430 Member
    I don't think I have ever dated anyone that is not openly affectionate. I have a very affectionate family, so maybe I just go for guys that are also? So.......can't really help here.....
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    If she has been feeling insecure for any reason lately, she could be trying to seek affermation to rebuild her spirits. She could be looking to you and your affection to help her feel better about herself. This puts extra strain on you if it is not something your comfortable with.

    My sugestion is to take a look at her life, or talk with her, and see if you can find any changes reciently that may make her feel insecure or insignificant.

    Every woman needs to feel special. Some can find it themselves. Some requre others to show them.

    Also If her life has changed much since you and her started to get serious, that could affect her too. Especialy if she no longer accomplishes everything she used to in a day. The more time she spends with you, the less time she has for her self.

    Either way, I wish you well. Good luck!

    Where are men like you in my neck of the woods? ;)

    they aren't here either... :(
  • fullofwhimsy
    fullofwhimsy Posts: 218
    Roadie - any possiblity that she said that she valued quality time most as it was what seemed to be important to you..and possibly put aside her own real needs for the last 8-9 months in an effort to make the relationship work, because clearly you are awesome?
    If so.. this might be a bit of the cause. Those needs may be surfacing as your quality time has diminished a little lately.. and it is reminding her of what she really wanted..possibly all along.

    I only say this because it what was I did - sacrificed part of myself to make the relationship work, agreed and went along with it because he was such a great person, but then a lot of resentment built because I wasn't physically or emotionally satisfied with the amount and type of affection I was receiving.

    Not saying this IS the case in your situation..but I wasn't lying, I simply didn't even realize that I was missing those areas that much.
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    @Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
    We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.

    Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.

    I am not an overly affectionate person either. I like somethings, but I think too much PDA is kinda icky to me.
    I think if you are feeling blindsided, then you should sit down with her and say... 'hey we agreed to A, but I am feeling that you are frustrated becuase I am not providing B and I am not even sure what B is' haha ok bad example but you get my point. If you think she is worth it, communication next hurt anyone.

    ETA: I dont need a hug or kiss when you pick me up, but I want a kiss goodbye. I don't NEED to hold your hand in public all the time, but a hand on my leg or around my shoulders on the couch I like.... just that kinda thing
    I do all that stuff, I'm still not exactly sure what the problem is. We talked about it for a while the other night, and she said she felt better about it, but now it's bothering me that it bothered her. If that makes any sense.
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    Roadie - any possiblity that she said that she valued quality time most as it was what seemed to be important to you..and possibly put aside her own real needs for the last 8-9 months in an effort to make the relationship work, because clearly you are awesome?
    If so.. this might be a bit of the cause. Those needs may be surfacing as your quality time has diminished a little lately.. and it is reminding her of what she really wanted..possibly all along.

    I only say this because it what was I did - sacrificed part of myself to make the relationship work, agreed and went along with it because he was such a great person, but then a lot of resentment built because I wasn't physically or emotionally satisfied with the amount and type of affection I was receiving.

    Not saying this IS the case in your situation..but I wasn't lying, I simply didn't even realize that I was missing those areas that much.
    Well she brought it up and answered things first, so I don't think she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. It also doesn't mean that she ONLY likes the quality time, she likes the other stuff too, just not as much. But possibly like you said there has been a little less quality time so she's looking for other ways to make up for it. That would make a lot of sense actually.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
    Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.

    I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious :)

    I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...

    Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
    Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.

    There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.

    @moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.

    Well, I guess you're not compatible in that respect. The real question is, can she accept you the way you are?

    All too often women try and change men, and I dont think that works long term. We are also very good at wanting more than a man can give too!! lol I think it comes of women treating relationships as top priority and men being more work focused?

    Perhaps you just need someone more like Sam, who's more independant and not a huggy type woman? Someone like me would drive you mad, I'm always cuddling and touching people........ :laugh:

    Hope you both can figure it out anyhow. As Moonshadow said, it may be that something has triggered this if she showed no signs before. It could be a passing phase :flowerforyou:
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,011 Member
    @Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
    We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.

    Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.

    I am not an overly affectionate person either. I like somethings, but I think too much PDA is kinda icky to me.
    I think if you are feeling blindsided, then you should sit down with her and say... 'hey we agreed to A, but I am feeling that you are frustrated becuase I am not providing B and I am not even sure what B is' haha ok bad example but you get my point. If you think she is worth it, communication next hurt anyone.

    ETA: I dont need a hug or kiss when you pick me up, but I want a kiss goodbye. I don't NEED to hold your hand in public all the time, but a hand on my leg or around my shoulders on the couch I like.... just that kinda thing
    I do all that stuff, I'm still not exactly sure what the problem is. We talked about it for a while the other night, and she said she felt better about it, but now it's bothering me that it bothered her. If that makes any sense.

    My guess is it is bothering you now becuase you like her ;)

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