Is what you're doing NOW working?
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I get what DM and Mike are saying. However though I dont know what my dating pool would have been in my ealry 20's since I was married I have to say that since I've hit 30 I get hit on more than I ever did in my 20's. Some of that action was before I started losing weight. But at 32 I have a good job and a good career I take care of my stuff and my kiddos. I also can go out and party and have fun. I get hit on by guy from their early 20's up to 47ish. Most people think I'm younger than I am but also I'm an engaging person. I think that the older you get the less desirable canidates are out there. Not that there are no desirable canidates your just probably not gonna find a clean slate. People may have been married or had a LTR go sour. The older people get the more baggage they have.0
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Women in their 20's certainly have a huge advantage in the dating game. Men who are in their 20's, 30's, and 40's compete for their attention.
A women in her 30's will have men in their 40's and 50's competing for them (30-something men are still chasing the 20-something women). A women in her 40's will most likely be chased by men in their 50's and 60's (40-something man would definitely want a 30-something woman).
As a women gets older, their dating pool shrinks considerably. There are still plenty of great catches for older women, but most have been divorced once or twice or are very, very set in their ways.
I know I'm going to catch a lot of crap, but this is my personal observation.
*note: I throw a monkey wrench into all of this because I have no problem dating older, but I am definitely in the minority when it comes to that.
I am 35. The guys I have dated and gone on dates recently are between 28-35. Guys in their 40s have no interest in me since I tend to be way to active for them. Actually when meeting a new guy it doesn't come out that I am even in my mid 30s until we have already clicked. I get more messages from guys on POF from the lower 20s then I even get of the upper 30s. Maybe they think I am a cougar or something but nothing I say protrays that.0 -
I am 35. The guys I have dated and gone on dates recently are between 28-35. Guys in their 40s have no interest in me since I tend to be way to active for them. Actually when meeting a new guy it doesn't come out that I am even in my mid 30s until we have already clicked. I get more messages from guys on POF from the lower 20s then I even get of the upper 30s. Maybe they think I am a cougar or something but nothing I say protrays that.
Yeah, but are they looking for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage? Or are they just looking for a fun couple of weeks?
Most men who contact older women are looking for sex, though they will play it as if they are looking for a serious LTR. Men assume that they are easier because most older women have a higher sex drive and would want to hop into bed with a younger guy sooner.0 -
I am 35. The guys I have dated and gone on dates recently are between 28-35. Guys in their 40s have no interest in me since I tend to be way to active for them. Actually when meeting a new guy it doesn't come out that I am even in my mid 30s until we have already clicked. I get more messages from guys on POF from the lower 20s then I even get of the upper 30s. Maybe they think I am a cougar or something but nothing I say protrays that.
Yeah, but are they looking for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage? Or are they just looking for a fun couple of weeks?
Most men who contact older women are looking for sex, though they will play it as if they are looking for a serious LTR. Men assume that they are easier because most older women have a higher sex drive and would want to hop into bed with a younger guy sooner.
The ones I actually dated were looking for relationships not just one night stands.0 -
I completely agree with this! I get way more interest from younger guys than older ones for dating/relationships.I am 35. The guys I have dated and gone on dates recently are between 28-35. Guys in their 40s have no interest in me since I tend to be way to active for them. Actually when meeting a new guy it doesn't come out that I am even in my mid 30s until we have already clicked. I get more messages from guys on POF from the lower 20s then I even get of the upper 30s. Maybe they think I am a cougar or something but nothing I say protrays that.
Again, agreed, only sub in my real age...So the best singles out there are between 24-27, huh? Interesting. So I guess at 33 I'm so not even worth dating.
I also agree with Kitsune6 that most of what was said here reads as fact rather than opinion. But, even painting with very broad brush strokes, I'd say that the men on this particular thread don't have any facts to base their statements on.
Regardless, isn't it time everyone learn to know your audience? You're speaking to a large, varied group here. Why do you need to outright insult anyone that could be reading?0 -
Then I think that, once again, you are using your opinions as a broad brush stroke in how people should live their lives. Your preferences and experiences do not belong to everyone, yet you have a tendency (and I've said this before) to word your statements as undeniable fact.
The statement that got the most people riled up that I made in the thread was preceded by the words "I think". "I think" is a statement of opinion, not a declarative statement as undeniable fact.
its just that you know that your personal opinion is also a statement that the women in here are just not good enough for anyone because they are beyond their prime, in yoru opinion. Saying something is just your opinion about the people you are speaking TO... doesnt mean it wont hurt.
You are continually announcing that more than half the girls in this group are not good enough to get scooped up based only on their age.
Thats a hurtful opinion based on no experience of your own being a woman in her thirties.0 -
im not going to sit here and listen to a 30 year old man and a 28/29 year old man discuss what its like to date in your thirties or tell me what age demographic is after me, because they really dont know at all what its like being a girl (or a human) in our age group.
Especially when they are wrong off the bat- most men after me are between 24 and 29 because they know my libido is off the charts and the girls their age are more hung up on self conscious issues during sex and they like the ease and non-craziness of girls over 30.
i just cant believe that you think its your wording style that hurts.
its the fact that youve never been here and you LOVE saying how you think we arent good enough anymore.
You have no idea what you are talking about when you discuss dating in your thirties.
You factually cannot understand. You have not. been. there.
I dont hate you. Im not mad at you. Im simply dumbfounded that you go around making statement about your opinions on sht youve never done.
In my opinion, that is a true mark of adolescence.0 -
yeah, I'm kinda bored of the mid 20's, top tier, 8/10 BS too!! :huh:
But then, I'm old enough to zone out and KNOW better, so...........whatevs!! :laugh:0 -
good lord 24-27? i was no where near being ready to be taken off the market at 37, much less 24.
oh yeah i'm 41. dating in my 30's wasnt any different than dating in my 20's except for the fact that the guys were a little bit more shady (being married and pretending they were single. i suppose they got taken off the market by 27) and a little bit more bitter.\
i wasnt in any particular rush to get married in my 30's so that might be why it wasn't any more stressful than dating in my 20's.0 -
Interesting read all.. thanks!
I am 34 technically, though my true mental age could be argued! I am so incredibly glad I didn't get married in my 20's either.. as I wasn't half the woman I am today in terms of my intellect, confidence, sexuality, way of looking at the world and self esteem. I'm still not there...but I'm getting a lot closer!
I am kinda loving where this puts me in terms of dating also. I seem to appeal to the 33-43 year old group (give or take), who more often than not have also been in long term relationships, may or may not have children and/or weathered a divorce. Honestly.. though there may be baggage and issues that come up.. these men seem to know how to appreciate what they may have found so much moreso than any men I met under 30. There is a maturity, self confidence/assertiveness and humbleness in them that I enjoy. They finally seem like "men" (my bias, I know) instead of boys.
Yes, there certainly is the attached group only looking for sex (it is flattering..but not a good idea for me), but a lot of them have now figured out who they are too. It is nice to at last have the potential of meeting another person equal in maturity, experience, who has lived.. and now knows what he wants and what is really important to him. Of course you don't throw attraction out the window - but I haven't found the good guys in this group to be solely stuck on superficial qualities.
A lot of them married young, lived the "dream" with the college sweetheart, had the dream die when they both grew and changed as people. They look at marriage and their lives very differently now and I seem to have more in common with that.
Those in their 20's seem to still be looking for the ideal..and haven't needed to do the same kind of self-reflection/maturing process. Of course, there are absolutely exceptions in every age bracket.
I agree with those that get a little offended by the idea being put forth that they are past their prime..it isn't the most delicate way to put it. Then again, I have no interest in dating a relatively unexperienced (in life) 29 year old, so I'm not really offended. When I was younger I had very firm opinions on everything too. Another bonus of moving into my 30's.. life is so much more pleasant in shades of gray..
Edit: a typo0 -
Excellent quotes, thank you!You factually cannot understand. You have not. been. there.When I was younger I had very firm opinions on everything too. Another bonus of moving into my 30's.. life is so much more pleasant in shades of gray..0
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Nope.
I'm never around straight, eligible men who I'm interested in or vice versa. And when I am, I seem to be invisible.0 -
I think it is best to marry around the 24-27 age range. The best singles are off the market after that.
And yet, the average age for marriage is 27 or higher in most developed Western countries - significantly higher (around 30 or slightly higher) in most*. Clearly others don't agree with you. Perhaps the average is much lower in your particular locality, but there's a well-documented trend for people to marry later, especially among the professional classes with the pressures of career development for both parties, increasing necessity of grad. school (and the consequent increase in student debt). Please try not to think in such defeatist terms - the evidence is against you on this, and it doesn't help your perspective!
*Statistics from 2009 - the trend since then has been ever-upward!
Adolescence, as I see it, is a period where you exhibit some adult qualities, but are not a full adult. I feel at times (not all the time) as if I am in a limbo stage. As a child, I saw examples of adults, and I don't see myself as the adult as I saw examples of as a kid.
While I empathise with the uncomfortable feeling of being in limbo - more or less a permanent state for me at the moment, in multiple facets of my life, due to all sorts of factors, many of which are beyond my control - it was the final sentence I really wanted to comment on.
Very few of our generation have followed in the direct footsteps of our parents and grandparents. The world has changed immensely in the last twenty-five years - perhaps faster than at any previous time in history (with the possible exception of the Industrial Revolution, but even that took a bit longer to really have comparable effect in people's everyday lives). The definition of an adult - the markers that make us so - are fundamentally different now. Even those which remain the same come with a different set of rules and expectations.
I would suggest that to judge your own adulthood against the standards of a very different era is inevitably going to lead to disappointment, self-judgement and a soupcon of despair - we cannot match up to those standards, because the context in which we are trying to do so is so different. From the other side of the coin, our parents and grandparents probably couldn't have matched up to us, in our definition of 'adulthood' either. Just something to think about
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You probably mean a this is a pile of crap...
Excellent quotes, thank you!You factually cannot understand. You have not. been. there.
We (humans) clearly have an ability to comment and understand things "we are not" or "haven't experienced".
Humans have that ability to educate themselves, read, think, process (and - granted - experience too). I'm sure someone who is very interested in "how it is for people to date in their thirties" and who would talk to a lot of people dating in their 30s would be able to comment accurately on what it is to date in our thirties (probably more than someone who is in their thirties and doesn't talk to anyone about this, and is only seeing events from their point of view).
Also, I agree with DM that the prime for women is the 20-30 range, probably even 22-27 or something like this. This is when their dating pool is at their maximum so this is when they get the best opportunity for choice - that people don't make the best of this opportunity and can't find a partner in those years is another story.
Someone who is 85 years old clearly has "less choice" than someone who is 25 years old.
Someone who is 75 years old clearly has "less choice" than someone who is 25 years old.
Etc.
The difference between someone who is 27 and 28 will not be very significant, that's true.
The thing is the choices of partners one would make at 75 years old and 25 years old are probably different too. I don't think these are real absolute "choices" emanating purely from us, but I think in reality we are limiting ourselves because we subconsciously know we have a more limited pool/choice.
We often say "I wouldn't be interested in a xyz type person anyway" whereas in reality we are just hurt because the other person wasn't really interested in us first, so we make as if it is our choice to not be interested (example: "I wouldn't be interested in dating a 29 y.o. man").
On this, 50% of the requirement for successful love is probably to be loved, so I can't blame us for reacting like that. Saves us some trouble.
As for the age thing ("But I still attract men who are younger than me you fool!"), I agree with Mike's answer:
"Yeah, but are they looking for a serious relationship that could lead to marriage? Or are they just looking for a fun couple of weeks?"
Or in my words: ok, so out of the 100 women who have had "interest" from a younger man, come back to me in ten years and we'll see how many of you ended up with a younger man (by a 3+ years margin). Probably not very much.
The worst thing is that you are contradicting yourself here, as many men have openly admitted to be attracted to younger women, and many women have openly admitted to be attracted to older men. See a pattern here against which you're going? Not a rule, a pattern!
Now sure everyone is soooooo special that it will be different for them and that they will be the ones breaking that pattern. :laugh: (no people, there is no shame in following that pattern, or breaking it, but just know that not everyone can afford to break it - it is statistically impossible)0 -
When I say I usually attract guys 28-35 while being 35 it is because I look and act closer to 28 then I do 35, especially considering I live in the south and am childless and never been married. I don't wear a name tag that says "Hi I am Ruth and I am 35" so when people meet me they assume I am 27-30 years old, Isn't that the age range guys 28-35 would go for, so why would it be a suprise that is what I attract? Also just last night on POF I had one person message me looking for a sugar baby and another message me looking for a cougar. WTF. I don't know how I would fit into both of those categories. I am not saying I don't need to change anything about what I am doing now because I do. I am too much of a tom boy and actually have too much in common with guys so we usually end up in the friendzone. I am seen as a buddy way to often as I tend to de-sexualize things.0
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We often say "I wouldn't be interested in a xyz type person anyway" whereas in reality we are just hurt because the other person wasn't really interested in us first, so we make as if it is our choice to not be interested (example: "I wouldn't be interested in dating a 29 y.o. man").
I see a lot of this on Single Peeps.
Also, I never understood why people got so bent out of shape at DM's comments. I'll be the first to admit, most guys who would be considered "catches" are off the market by the time they are 30 as well.
Most 30+ men fall into the following categories: divorced w/ kids, player/womanizer, someone lacking social skills, or just a flat our jerk. I know I don't fall into any of those categories (maybe a little bit of a player and jerk :laugh: ), but I have no problem with admitting that most men my age and older fall into those categories. It's just the truth.0 -
We often say "I wouldn't be interested in a xyz type person anyway" whereas in reality we are just hurt because the other person wasn't really interested in us first, so we make as if it is our choice to not be interested (example: "I wouldn't be interested in dating a 29 y.o. man").
Or perhaps we genuinely aren't interested, and it has nothing to do with being hurt -ever thought of that? The little interest I do get tends to be from men much younger than I am - early twenties on average. I look a lot younger than 30, I'm told, and maybe because I've never been in a relationship, I'm a bit more playful, for lack of a better word, in my interactions with men than other women of a similar age. The fact remains that, regardless of their interest, I am not interested in boys who have yet to figure out who they really are - I don't want to be my partner's mother-figure - and there's little likelihood they'll be at the same life-stage as I for several years yet in any case. Now, if I met a truly-unusual early-twenties boy who had his head sorted out, and wanted similar things on a similar time-scale, I wouldn't discount him solely on the basis of his age, but that would have to be one pretty extraordinary young chap. In general though, a man in his early twenties has no appeal for me, and not because they're not interested - I want a partner, not a plaything.0 -
We often say "I wouldn't be interested in a xyz type person anyway" whereas in reality we are just hurt because the other person wasn't really interested in us first, so we make as if it is our choice to not be interested (example: "I wouldn't be interested in dating a 29 y.o. man").
Or perhaps we genuinely aren't interested, and it has nothing to do with being hurt -ever thought of that?
It's just that a lot of poster on here said they were hurt by DM's comments. That's where that came from.0 -
Also, I never understood why people got so bent out of shape at DM's comments. I'll be the first to admit, most guys who would be considered "catches" are off the market by the time they are 30 as well.
Most 30+ men fall into the following categories: divorced w/ kids, player/womanizer, someone lacking social skills, or just a flat our jerk.
Yes, this is true.0 -
Also, I never understood why people got so bent out of shape at DM's comments. I'll be the first to admit, most guys who would be considered "catches" are off the market by the time they are 30 as well.
Most 30+ men fall into the following categories: divorced w/ kids, player/womanizer, someone lacking social skills, or just a flat our jerk.
Yes, this is true.
Aww .. you look so cute in your new picture! *DM fan club*0 -
Also, I never understood why people got so bent out of shape at DM's comments. I'll be the first to admit, most guys who would be considered "catches" are off the market by the time they are 30 as well.
Most 30+ men fall into the following categories: divorced w/ kids, player/womanizer, someone lacking social skills, or just a flat our jerk.
Yes, this is true.
Wow, you guys are harsh. Maybe this is a social/cultural thing, but I've not observed so many men under 30, let alone 27, who are educated, successful, financially-secure, established in their careers, powerful and sure of themselves, which is what the world generally calls 'a catch' in a man. One or several of those factors is almost always missing until well into their thirties in this part of the world - usually real self-assurance, even in the most financially/professionally-established. I guess maybe if you're looking solely at the physical you *might* be able to say it of women in that age group, but most of the real female 'catches' I know are near, or in their 30s too, from a physical-appeal standpoint as well - better groomed, more physically confident, more stylish. Maybe it's different where you are, or you're applying a different set of criteria?
I can understand why people got upset about DM's comments. I found them moderately upsetting too. Though I don't think that's what he intended, he basically implied that almost everyone in this group is second, or third- or fourth-rate. That we are the 'leftovers' once the prime produce has cherry-picked amongst itself. It's funny - there's been a lot of talk about fat-shaming recently, and how it's the last permissible prejudice. Contrary to that, I think single-shaming is still alive and well - the idea that there must be something 'wrong' with you if you haven't found a life-partner by a nominal age or stage of life. A person's intrinsic worth is no more defined by their marital status than it is by the number on the scale, the colour of their skin or their creed. The engrained idea that it is keeps many (all, I'd hazard, in some degree) of us in a submissive, supplicant state - begging to be accepted on any terms, and forgetting that it is our terms, our definition of who we are, and our belief in our own worth that really matters.0 -
Maybe living on an island full of 25-40 year old singles kicking *kitten* 24/7, not sleeping, having no kids (nor plans to) and everyone killing themselves reaching for the stars to kick *kitten* together as a collective statement about survival of the fittest being part of our daily mindset... takes me out of the normal dating world and its traditional patterns, standards and time lines.
Perhaps if I still lived in a regular smallish American town, I would feel differently about where I am in regards to my prime. But here in NYC im just a baby about to reach her peak.
Im sure through conversations with various individuals in their thirties, one could sympathize. But I honestly dont think that a 29 year old man can truly know what it is like to be a single 33 year old woman. Just as I would never effing presume to say I know what it feels like to be a 29 year old man. Never. I could only imagine its awesome though. Id stand in the shower and play with my muscles all day.
perhaps I should stay out these dating conversations since i dont come from a traditional environment and no one in here can relate to the world I date in and how different it is here.
Is there an NYC Single peeps groups? Cause if it is, I'll leave and let losers convinced that they are losers stay losers without me constantly trying to convince them they arent.0 -
Perhaps if I still lived in a regular smallish American town, I would feel differently about where I am in regards to my prime. But here in NYC im just a baby about to reach her peak.
Ditto London - here the 'masters of the universe' and their female equivalents - the so-called 'great catches' - are 30-plus, at the very least. Unless what's really meant is 24-27 year old nubile, mold-able Stepfords. I wonder...?0 -
Perhaps if I still lived in a regular smallish American town, I would feel differently about where I am in regards to my prime. But here in NYC im just a baby about to reach her peak.
Ditto London - here the 'masters of the universe' and their female equivalents - the so-called 'great catches' - are 30-plus, at the very least. Unless what's really meant is 24-27 year old nubile, mold-able Stepfords. I wonder...?
Ditto Boston.0 -
Perhaps if I still lived in a regular smallish American town, I would feel differently about where I am in regards to my prime. But here in NYC im just a baby about to reach her peak.
Ditto London - here the 'masters of the universe' and their female equivalents - the so-called 'great catches' - are 30-plus, at the very least. Unless what's really meant is 24-27 year old nubile, mold-able Stepfords. I wonder...?
Ditto Boston.
The only ones trying to say you are not in your prime are two 20 something guys. I really don't understand how 30s became middle aged but remember when we were kids and we thought 40 was ancient.0 -
Edit: a typo
I just fell in love with you. Im hope Im that classy when I grow up.0 -
Flam, no one is debating about who has an amount of choices (or rather, that would be a random tangent). The comment specifically stated that singled after the age of 27 are not desirable. We all know a nubile 24-year-old 10 out of 10 has her pick of the litter. But really, so does a sexy momma 30+, the litter is just smaller (depending on what she's looking for).
THE POINT is that there are a LOT of people that are desirable singles after the age of 27, the dating pool is smaller, yes. But there are plenty of men and women who reach their prime in their thirties, and that's when they are looking to settle down. So the issue that I took was in the wording.
That being said, I believe I stated earlier that the divorce rate amongst people who married before the age of 27 was exorbitantly high. WHY would we "desirably" continue in that type of trend? Girls might be more "desirable" to shallow idiots at 24 because their breasts are perkier, but clearly the mentality leaves something to "desire" either because the husband or wife chose and improper mate.
DM I spelled it out for you and I'm disappointed as hell that you didn't even acknowledge it. Being forthright doesn't mean you can't accept that something you said could possibly be mistaken. In fact it diminishes your credibility quite a lot.0 -
perhaps I should stay out these dating conversations since i dont come from a traditional environment and no one in here can relate to the world I date in and how different it is here.
Yoovie, You are a fun and energetic voice in this group and I for one would be disappointed if you left! I believe all or most of the women here agree with what you have to say.0 -
Perhaps if I still lived in a regular smallish American town, I would feel differently about where I am in regards to my prime. But here in NYC im just a baby about to reach her peak.
Ditto London - here the 'masters of the universe' and their female equivalents - the so-called 'great catches' - are 30-plus, at the very least. Unless what's really meant is 24-27 year old nubile, mold-able Stepfords. I wonder...?
Ditto Boston.
i think they MUST be talking about the best moldable age for women. I have no desire to be a stepford wife or trained to be something just right for him. Maybe what they mean is that you should get married by 24-27 if you aren't awesome and youre bad at dating and you just want to settle and make babies.
HOWEVER - there is an entire other demographic out there. A good portion of that demographic has no desire for children (though some do and are not worried about not having them at exactly age 27) so they are not encumbered by ANY timeline other than... when is hurricane season and is it going to endanger my wreck-diving adventure in the Carribbean?0 -
From my experience, it is not common to find a girl in her 20s that has discovered who she is and what she wants out of life. We all felt that we had hit that level of enlightenment at age 13, but it turns out we were wrong. I'm guessing the 50-somethings says the same thing about dudes my age. I guess it just depends on what you are looking for out of a relationship.
To prove that stereotypes aren't always true though, the best sex I've had has been with a 32 year old who ended up getting flaky and disappearing with no explanation. I'm currently casually dating a 25 year old who has made a new life for herself 6000 miles from home and talks about philosophy and finding inner happiness.
So, I guess - who the f knows.0
This discussion has been closed.