Talk me off the edge...

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Replies

  • julesboots
    julesboots Posts: 311 Member

    Hold on,while it is always a bad thing to presume to speak for all men I think here I am probably pretty close so listen please.

    We don`t have a first,second,third,fourth base...for us it is first base and from there circling third to home.
    You say he was physically turned on but you had already said no as per where you want to be.

    Think for a moment the situation that puts him (or us) in?
    Keep going and maybe crossing a line you have drawn but we don`t have a clue where it is?
    It sounds like he did an honorable thing and just walked away and maybe now is trying to sort it all out.

    I think this is wise, but obviously nobody knows. I'm often wishing the internet were an accurate magic 8 ball.
  • Awkward30
    Awkward30 Posts: 1,927 Member
    Well i meant it so to hell with him if that's what he wanted ir if I put him off by wanting to go further w/o sex.

    I did like him. Ah well.

    Hold on,while it is always a bad thing to presume to speak for all men I think here I am probably pretty close so listen please.

    We don`t have a first,second,third,fourth base...for us it is first base and from there circling third to home.
    You say he was physically turned on but you had already said no as per where you want to be.

    Think for a moment the situation that puts him (or us) in?
    Keep going and maybe crossing a line you have drawn but we don`t have a clue where it is?
    It sounds like he did an honorable thing and just walked away and maybe now is trying to sort it all out.

    I agree, I've always hated the base system, but I think it becomes completely distorted with age. One time, there was a guy, we had just kissed for the first time and were at my house and he got *kitten* naked. One kiss and in his head we were going all the way. I got him to re-clothe, but now I'm more careful about making sure that my intentions are more clear.
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,857 Member
    Sure Carl... I can understand that. I thought that last night, wow, sweet of him to walk away because he knows that I won't cross a certain line so he's respecting me BUT today, I don't hear from him (still haven't, btw). The fact that I called him to make sure we were on same page (that we enjoy kissing each other) should have told him I was a bit unsure of his interest in me. So in my mind I'd think he'd like to reassure me today by texting/ calling.

    he has expressed how hard it is for him to restrain himself physically yet when it was there, it didn't seem that diffucult for him. :/
  • will010574
    will010574 Posts: 769 Member
    You know sometimes guys just like some downtime. Maybe he is just enjoying a great day of football with his friends.

    Maybe he is a goner, you won't know until he contacts you, and NO you shouldn't call him. If you don't hear from him then move on.
  • Prahasaurus
    Prahasaurus Posts: 1,385 Member
    Not a criticism, more a suggestion: instead of writing 12+ posts here, why don't you just call the guy later today? Tell him you'd like to see him again, and ask what his plans are for next weekend. Call, don't text.

    We're not teenagers, anymore. The direct approach is always the best.

    --P
  • Prahasaurus
    Prahasaurus Posts: 1,385 Member
    Maybe he is a goner, you won't know until he contacts you, and NO you shouldn't call him. If you don't hear from him then move on.

    Why shouldn't she call him? Why is this somehow taboo? She's an adult, he's an adult, so what's the issue?

    She didn't do anything wrong. It's probably just the normal awkwardness that happens at the start of most relationships. The usual sexual politics. Nothing to worry about.

    On the other hand, perhaps he misunderstood something. So better to clear it up by talking to him (not texting!), so long as she is really into him, and would like to see him again.

    Finally, if he's the kind of guy that bolts just because of a misunderstanding, then it's good to know that, too. And she can pick this up when talking to him.

    --P
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    Maybe he is a goner, you won't know until he contacts you, and NO you shouldn't call him. If you don't hear from him then move on.

    Why shouldn't she call him? Why is this somehow taboo? She's an adult, he's an adult, so what's the issue?

    She didn't do anything wrong. It's probably just the normal awkwardness that happens at the start of most relationships. The usual sexual politics. Nothing to worry about.

    On the other hand, perhaps he misunderstood something. So better to clear it up by talking to him (not texting!), so long as she is really into him, and would like to see him again.

    Finally, if he's the kind of guy that bolts just because of a misunderstanding, then it's good to know that, too. And she can pick this up when talking to him.

    --P

    Calling and being chill isn't the problem.

    The problem is that she's freaking out because he hasn't called, which means she would be calling him to check up, which is rewarding a bad behavior within herself. She's seeking reassurance for an issue that has been created entirely in her mind based on not enough information. Amazona has a tendency to create this type of situation, so those of us here that know her are telling her it's better to take it easy, relax and go from there.

    Call when you have something to talk about, not when you are panicking. That's the difference between forming a healthy relationship or a codependent one. Constantly seeking reassurance is not a good habit to form.
  • lacroyx
    lacroyx Posts: 5,757 Member
    He then says that the only thing thing that does make him uncomfortable is him being dirty from work and still in his work clothes.

    I know every guy is different. He was probably very self-conscious of how he "smells". Maybe you don't care but he could. I know I would. I would not want to get down with a girl for the 1st time being all stinky plus tired after a 12 hour shift. Just thinking about it in my mind it would be disasterous to me. I'd probably burst before even getting my pants off. :laugh: He probably doesn't want your 1st time with him to be bad.
    I haven't heard from him today. I usually get a little text in the am. I know he was super busy yesterday and stressed. But still. I'm a little freaked out that my call turned him off. What do y'all think???

    Oh and I'm on my period so my emotions and thoughts are running crazy.

    I don't think so.

    So me calling him to make sure I didn't make him uncomfy could have been interpreted as clingy?

    Okay. Got it. I just wanted to make sure I didn't weird him out. This guy is like the hulk.. Only has had 2-3 gfs. He seems very shy and he said he's never approached a woman. It's usually a friend of a friend.

    Whatever.

    Relax. Give him a day or 2. Let him make contact first.
  • flimflamfloz
    flimflamfloz Posts: 1,980 Member
    Maybe he is a goner, you won't know until he contacts you, and NO you shouldn't call him. If you don't hear from him then move on.
    Why shouldn't she call him? Why is this somehow taboo? She's an adult, he's an adult, so what's the issue?
    She didn't do anything wrong. It's probably just the normal awkwardness that happens at the start of most relationships. The usual sexual politics. Nothing to worry about.
    On the other hand, perhaps he misunderstood something. So better to clear it up by talking to him (not texting!), so long as she is really into him, and would like to see him again.
    Finally, if he's the kind of guy that bolts just because of a misunderstanding, then it's good to know that, too. And she can pick this up when talking to him.
    Calling and being chill isn't the problem.

    The problem is that she's freaking out because he hasn't called, which means she would be calling him to check up, which is rewarding a bad behavior within herself. She's seeking reassurance for an issue that has been created entirely in her mind based on not enough information. Amazona has a tendency to create this type of situation, so those of us here that know her are telling her it's better to take it easy, relax and go from there.

    Call when you have something to talk about, not when you are panicking. That's the difference between forming a healthy relationship or a codependent one. Constantly seeking reassurance is not a good habit to form.
    I agree with Kit-kat. You can lose someone on a single phone call (if there was a previous tensed situation).

    About phone calls
    Calling is a lot more complex than it appears. Texting is easier in comparison, you can read yourself before pressing that "send" button.
    A little bit more on this actually, on the phone you have 3-5 seconds to think and reply about complex issues such as feelings (and not necessarily easy to talk about if you're shy).
    The person calling you: 1) Thinks there is a problem, so expect a (more or less) specific answer, 2) Has had all day to think about the issue (reflection that you, being called, didn't have time to do while you're being pushed for answers) and they imagined the conversation in their mind (so they have thought about pretty much all the possibilities) then they thought about how it should be going ideally, then they call and corner you ("Reply now!").
    Now would you please sprinkle some "slightly freaked out" on top of that sir, shake well, and... BOOM!
    Whenever a girl calls me about such issues I reply mainly with "Oh OK... I didn't realise this" "I'll need to think about this then", etc. because there is no way I can provide a "satisfying answer" when cornered on issues I haven't given some thought before.

    Actually in person, you can corner someone a lot more. But the phone is a lot more impersonal (obvious!) while still intimate enough so it can easily lead to a misunderstanding (which would be solved in person with a hug, whereas the phone only leaves you frustrated and resentful).

    About the situation
    "Then he says "i really have to go". What?!? I just said okay."
    I found a picture of you:
    avatar_f6862b3e2a15_128.png
    Okay Guy, also known as Okay, is a black and white line drawing of a face that was originally part of a blank, editable, four-panel cartoon. The character says “Okay” to things that most people would not consider to be okay.
    I guess that was the moment when you should have said something like: You don't want to stay for more or something.
    Then try to find out (nicely) why he has to leave.

    About the issue
    Just wait, but not so much as to break your "normal patterns".
    It's OK for girls to initiate to from time to time too. Maybe he thinks you're upset, maybe not. The point is if you don't initiate AT ALL (for god knows what reason), it can quickly deteriorate into worse and him thinking "I guess it's over then, maybe she doesn't want me after all" (and you thinking the same).
    What would you normally do in terms of communication? Try to do things "normally" to test your communication channel (is there still a line of communication?), then if the communication channel is back to normal, at some point in the future, discuss about this with him.
    If there is no communication anymore, then you'll know.

    Defuse then analyse/discuss (it's easier to discuss about that when you guys are feeling good about each other).
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,310
    Why can't you just call him? Too many rules. Don't so this, shouldn't so that. Last time I checked most people here are single...

    If you like him, swallow your pride and let him know, you've got nothing to lose.
  • lorro
    lorro Posts: 917 Member
    Diana I think the main problem is that you seem very intolerant of uncertainty in these early days situations and that manifests itself as anxiety. The complex dating rules don't help either, feeding the feeling that there is some right answer to bring you safety/certainty.

    Please have a think about how your response of reassurance seeking here and with him may be affecting the relationship, your anxiety levels and your consequent thoughts and feelings about the relationship and yourself.

    I know sometimes it's hard to distinguish what is a genuine cause for concern and what is an entirely self generated overthinking anxious doubt. I recommend that you decide early on whether you are going to deal with the anxiety yourself or ask him for help. It's fine to talk to him if you wish but if you do then you have to be honest otherwise you risk causing further confusion/generating more uncertainty/anxiety. If he can't handle the truth then he's not the guy for you.

    The truth in the last conversation would have also involved an up front admission that you often get anxious and misinterpret signals in the early stages of relationships. That would have put the responsibility for your reactions onto you. As it is, he may feel that you were saying that something in his reaction was offensive or disappointing to you (I felt I may be violating you) and this lead you to question whether you were on the same page. I don't think that's what you intended to convey. I think you wanted to know if he was hesitant because he doesn't like you that way and as long as he does you'd have been OK with it. He only had half the picture so may not have known how to reassure you, or even that reassurance was what you were asking for. You also chose to ask the question in a way that focused on his behaviour, rather than your reactions to it.

    Not sure I am putting this well as I am in a rush - does it make sense to you :flowerforyou:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,444 Member
    Is this the guy you took into a sex shop on your first date??

    I have to say Diana, what with that and forcing his hand up your top, you're giving off very mixed signals!!

    I agree with Carl and most of the guys here, the guy has no clue what base you are happy with! What you say and what you do does not compute! In his mind it's either kiss only, or its sex (unless you talk about it and agree on a specific cut off point?). It's not ok to turn the guy on so that he's running home to jerk himself off. You aren't teenagers anymore!

    Either put out, or stop teasing the guy!

    I dont know if you've ever experienced this, but I hate being turned on to the point of sex, and then have to calm down. It's the most frustrating thing ever!! I had a guy do this to me once, and I swore from that day I would never tease a guy again!! And yes, I'm a woman too and I KNOW that we can reach a further point than men without having to go the whole way...........but you know, perhaps this guy hasn't had sex for months and he's about to cum in his pants and really needs to just get away before he loses control!!

    Anyway, I think he needs some down time. He needs to think if he wants to enter into an exclusive relationship with you or not. Or go home with a boner every time he sees you!! :noway:

    That's the ultimatum that you've given him! :flowerforyou:



    ETA: In no way do I mean to imply that you should have sex with the guy just because he's turned on! All I'm saying is that you need to be careful that you aren't sending out mixed signals that are confusing the hell out of him. Just communicate effectively what you want/need and listen to what he wants/needs. :flowerforyou:
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    I told him on our first date I don't hook up.

    While I appreciate what you are saying, you realize that every man hears this same story from every single female they encounter.

    Every single one.
    Ironically, everyday girl I had a first date with, who claimed that they weren't "that type of girl" usual put out within the first 2 dates (3 dates max). Guys hear that all the time, so it means relatively little.

    I hear this from guys all the time. It's why they don't believe me when I say I'm waiting for marriage. I sure do wish you women who put out on the first 1-3 dates would stop saying this so that the men would believe those few (outliers) of us that really mean it.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    wouldn't a dead tired man still want to rub up on his 3rd date chick who he supposedly thinks is soooo hot and interesting???

    If a man is trying to rub up on me on our 3rd date, he will NOT get a 4th date. Not a judgement, just highlighting how different people think (and the value of this forum where we can exchange views). I don't want someone rubbing up on me who hasn't taken the time for us to get to know each other, regardless of how much sexual tension we are feeling.

    On our first date, I asked him "so what are you looking for (dating wise)?"
    He replied with "gosh, I don't know.... Well honestly, something Ive never had before."

    Which might be the cause of his restraint. He's looking for something different, not the usual "passionate couple of first dates followed by poofing."
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    Amazona,
    You said you made it very clear that you don't have sex unless you're in a relationship right? Well the poor guy doesn't know which base he's allowed to get to or what you're expecting of him. Have you ever heard of blue balls? Sometimes it sucks when you get all worked up making out with someone and then have to stop before you're done.

    Don't ever compare anyone to someone else you used to date. Some guys run the bases faster than other guys. Deal with it.

    Second, most women need to stop taking everything so personally. If he said he had to go, then he had to go. Don't try to over think it, maybe he had really bad gas, maybe he was tired, maybe he had heartburn, maybe if he didn't get home by a certain time he'd turn into a pumpkin. Either way it probably has nothing to do with you.
  • toots99
    toots99 Posts: 3,794 Member
    So I shouldn't call him, right??

    The fact that you used two questions marks tells me not just no, but hell no. You aren't calling him because you have something to talk about, you'd be calling him to "check in" which is... clingy. You are still panicking. Have a glass of wine, shut off your phone and play with your nethers :wink:

    You and i think so much alike! :laugh:
  • toots99
    toots99 Posts: 3,794 Member

    So I do understand that part. But hell, wouldn't a dead tired man still want to rub up on his 3rd date chick who he supposedly thinks is soooo hot and interesting???

    Has anyone suggested that, since you made it so clear that you don't hook up casually, maybe he was getting "excited" and didn't want to go any further knowing that you made yourself clear? Maybe he was getting too worked up and wanted, uh, time to himself. :laugh:
  • zachatta
    zachatta Posts: 1,364 Member

    So I do understand that part. But hell, wouldn't a dead tired man still want to rub up on his 3rd date chick who he supposedly thinks is soooo hot and interesting???

    Has anyone suggested that, since you made it so clear that you don't hook up casually, maybe he was getting "excited" and didn't want to go any further knowing that you made yourself clear? Maybe he was getting too worked up and wanted, uh, time to himself. :laugh:

    While this is possible, most men when they see a green light they proceed to go.
  • toots99
    toots99 Posts: 3,794 Member

    So I do understand that part. But hell, wouldn't a dead tired man still want to rub up on his 3rd date chick who he supposedly thinks is soooo hot and interesting???

    Has anyone suggested that, since you made it so clear that you don't hook up casually, maybe he was getting "excited" and didn't want to go any further knowing that you made yourself clear? Maybe he was getting too worked up and wanted, uh, time to himself. :laugh:

    While this is possible, most men when they see a green light they proceed to go.

    True. Maybe he has a bit of a conscience though.
  • zachatta
    zachatta Posts: 1,364 Member

    So I do understand that part. But hell, wouldn't a dead tired man still want to rub up on his 3rd date chick who he supposedly thinks is soooo hot and interesting???

    Has anyone suggested that, since you made it so clear that you don't hook up casually, maybe he was getting "excited" and didn't want to go any further knowing that you made yourself clear? Maybe he was getting too worked up and wanted, uh, time to himself. :laugh:

    While this is possible, most men when they see a green light they proceed to go.

    True. Maybe he has a bit of a conscience though.

    If a woman consented, as in suggested, that they should get physical, why would he feel guilty doing it?

    The signal was a sign of permission (or it should have been interpreted that way), he would have no reason to feel guilty.

    So I do not see how his "conscious" would be involved?