Talk me off the edge...

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Replies

  • oddyogi
    oddyogi Posts: 1,819 Member
    Yay, reading this thread just took up a good chunk of my afternoon! 45 minutes left of work, then I can hit the gym!

    :drinker:

    And yay, Diana! Glad the dude came through!

    ETA: I'm one of those girls who says "I want to wait a little bit" before sex, but then I get all hot and bothered and say *kitten* it.. sorry JJ. :frown: :embarassed: I really mean it when I say it, but then I get all sexypants and think to myself "Condoms? Birth control? CHECK! LET'S GET BUSY."
  • Roadie2000
    Roadie2000 Posts: 1,801 Member
    I wasn't trying to have sex. Just wanted to move 1 step past kissing where it was more of kissing and embracing. Yes, maybe under my shirt was a little more risky so I'll rethink that next time. Definately didn't want to get down!
    It's always a little confusing for guys in this phase too. I'm always thinking if I try to be too aggressive then she'll think I'm a player but if I don't try hard enough then she'll think I don't like her. But usually when someone grabs my hand and does something with it I take the hint that I'm going too slowly. There's no telling what he was thinking, he probably just really had to go home.
  • lacroyx
    lacroyx Posts: 5,757 Member
    La Amazona: glad it's working out! (=
    Carl01 and NCTravellingirl: I am grateful I don't have to deal with the stress of being a forum moderator. Thank you 2.

    As for the off tangent topic about mixed signals. It can be very confusing and stressful for both parties. /:
  • shammxo
    shammxo Posts: 1,432 Member
    I'm glad it ended up working out! Just be careful with the mixed signals.

    I think that there are certain things you shouldn't say/ask on a first date. "I'm not that kind of girl," and "What are you looking for?" are two of those things. "What are you looking for?" scares the **** out of me, so I can't imagine how that makes a guy feel... And "I'm not that kind of girl" can come back and bite you in the *kitten*. Like buffcupcake said... If your hormones are talking to you :wink: , then all of that goes out the window and you risk looking like a contradiction or whatever. I agree with the people who have said that your words and your actions contradicted one another... But I know that most- NOT all- of us have probably done similar things. Said that things were going to be *this way* but then wanted them *that way*.

    So maybe just stay away from disclaimers, or nevers. And try not to over think everything. You're pretty, smart, and nice... So don't worry!
    I don't know why dating has to be so damn complicated!

    Good luck, girly!
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    I don't know why dating has to be so damn complicated!

    It's only as complicated as we allow it to be :)
  • shammxo
    shammxo Posts: 1,432 Member
    I don't know why dating has to be so damn complicated!

    It's only as complicated as we allow it to be :)

    Trueeeee that. It's amazing how simply and smoothly things go when you're not even thinking about it.
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    I don't know why dating has to be so damn complicated!

    It's only as complicated as we allow it to be :)

    Trueeeee that. It's amazing how simply and smoothly things go when you're not even thinking about it.

    Hell yeah! I got me, my cats, my reruns of TNG and my beer.

    Life is gooooood.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,444 Member
    I don't know why dating has to be so damn complicated!

    It's only as complicated as we allow it to be :)

    Trueeeee that. It's amazing how simply and smoothly things go when you're not even thinking about it.

    So, whats the update on the geezer Shammox?? Did he apologise or did you dump him? :flowerforyou:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,444 Member
    I wasn't trying to have sex. Just wanted to move 1 step past kissing where it was more of kissing and embracing. Yes, maybe under my shirt was a little more risky so I'll rethink that next time. Definately didn't want to get down!
    It's always a little confusing for guys in this phase too. I'm always thinking if I try to be too aggressive then she'll think I'm a player but if I don't try hard enough then she'll think I don't like her. But usually when someone grabs my hand and does something with it I take the hint that I'm going too slowly. There's no telling what he was thinking, he probably just really had to go home.

    You are the voice of reason Roadie. I sure as hell would not like to be a man in these situations!!! You're right, when a guy tries too hard he offends you - how dare he think I'm that easy!! And when he goes too slow and he offends you - OMG he's not attracted to me!! *face/palm*

    :laugh:
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    I wasn't trying to have sex. Just wanted to move 1 step past kissing where it was more of kissing and embracing. Yes, maybe under my shirt was a little more risky so I'll rethink that next time. Definately didn't want to get down!
    It's always a little confusing for guys in this phase too. I'm always thinking if I try to be too aggressive then she'll think I'm a player but if I don't try hard enough then she'll think I don't like her. But usually when someone grabs my hand and does something with it I take the hint that I'm going too slowly. There's no telling what he was thinking, he probably just really had to go home.

    You are the voice of reason Roadie. I sure as hell would not like to be a man in these situations!!! You're right, when a guy tries too hard he offends you - how dare he think I'm that easy!! And when he goes too slow and he offends you - OMG he's not attracted to me!! *face/palm*

    :laugh:

    I have a very easy solution to that problem that the gents seem to like.

    I want him to be the aggressor, so I just tell him straight up if it's gonna happen or not. "I have to go home, let's continue this next time?" versus "Let's *kitten*!" and I get what I ask for. Sometimes I just use body language. If you catch my drift. :wink: :laugh:
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    In no way do I mean to imply that you should have sex with the guy just because he's turned on! All I'm saying is that you need to be careful that you aren't sending out mixed signals that are confusing the hell out of him. Just communicate effectively what you want/need and listen to what he wants/needs. :flowerforyou:

    Yes, communication is key to avoiding mixed signals.

    Off topic and this is just my opinion, but I also find that blaming your period (as the OP did) for over-thinking or erratic behavior is another type of miscommunication between genders. How is a man supposed to know that any woman is not acting as her logical self when she can always blame her period? Yes, I understand and agree that hormones suck...but using it as a 'get out of jail free card' over the age of 15 or so doesn't really fly. Wondering what the guys here think?
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,458 Member
    In no way do I mean to imply that you should have sex with the guy just because he's turned on! All I'm saying is that you need to be careful that you aren't sending out mixed signals that are confusing the hell out of him. Just communicate effectively what you want/need and listen to what he wants/needs. :flowerforyou:

    Yes, communication is key to avoiding mixed signals.

    Off topic and this is just my opinion, but I also find that blaming your period (as the OP did) for over-thinking or erratic behavior is another type of miscommunication between genders. How is a man supposed to know that any woman is not acting as her logical self when she can always blame her period? Yes, I understand and agree that hormones suck...but using it as a 'get out of jail free card' over the age of 15 or so doesn't really fly. Wondering what the guys here think?

    Okay,going to be the one to go out on the limb here.

    There have been a few times,not really often to be fair about it,when ladies have suggested that situations involving her TOM leaves a women helpless to respond to hormones and emotions.

    Yes,of course it is true that as a man I will never experience or relate to that,end of discussion.
    However also as a man that statement would never,ever be accepted as a rationale as far as behaviors or actions are concerned so yes it does bother me a bit.

    My gut feeling is that yes there are things that happen which one cannot control but how a person deals with that is always in their control.
    That is a male point of view as I see things for what it is worth.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,064 Member
    If you were not a Christian (or whatever religion you are), I guarantee you would have had sex by now.

    I don't agree with this at all. I am not religious but I feel the same as Janie...that sex is for a relationship.
    How long have you known him -- a couple weeks? I'm always sort of amazed that people expect that you must start talking every day to someone just because you went on a couple of dates with them, or start panicking when they don't get a call or text every day. In fact, (and I realize others may disagree and call this "game playing"), I think it is a good thing to not talk every day in the early stages of dating. In my experience, retaining a little mystery isn't a bad thing, or letting him start to wonder why he hasn't heard from you, what you are doing, and who you are doing it with.

    Agree as well. I don't think everyone needs to put all their cards in on the first round, if you get what I mean. It is your relationship though and your life, but I do agree that that wouldn't be my thing.
    These types of b*tches deserve far less respect than the chicks who will do you in the parking lot 5 minutes after buying them a shot.

    Man, I'm going to the wrong bars...

    --P

    Me too!
    Off topic and this is just my opinion, but I also find that blaming your period (as the OP did) for over-thinking or erratic behavior is another type of miscommunication between genders. How is a man supposed to know that any woman is not acting as her logical self when she can always blame her period? Yes, I understand and agree that hormones suck...but using it as a 'get out of jail free card' over the age of 15 or so doesn't really fly. Wondering what the guys here think?

    Yeah, I gotta say that having your period is not a legit excuse. You still have a logical mind. You have no force compelling you to do anything. To me, it's a cop-out. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh to anyone.

    My old roommate told me when we met, "I get really *****y the day before my period. I'm sorry."

    Did it excuse her behavior? No. Was it an explanation? Yes. But not an excuse or an apology, nor a "get out of jail free card."
  • toots99
    toots99 Posts: 3,794 Member

    I disagree with most of your line of thinking. After 3 dates you can get an idea about whether a date is just a horndog wanting some flesh or sees you as a potential LTR and is upping the stakes. While it is not your job to police your date, it is your job to police yourself. You know your intentions and you know your thoughts a whole lot more than your date ever will. It is wholeheartedly disingenuous to say that you should not have to restrain yourself if it seems clear to you that the date wants more than you are willing to give just so you can get a piece of *kitten*.

    That being said, If I am with a girl who likes to leave me with blue balls, I'll wait her out and dump her immediately after doing the deed. That is just bullsh*t! Find another way to make yourself feel "special." These types of b*tches deserve far less respect than the chicks who will do you in the parking lot 5 minutes after buying them a shot.

    Wow, that's harsh.
  • Natx83
    Natx83 Posts: 1,310
    I don't know why dating has to be so damn complicated!

    It's only as complicated as we allow it to be :)

    Trueeeee that. It's amazing how simply and smoothly things go when you're not even thinking about it.

    I think this place is has almost a negative affect on peoples common train of thought. Follow your instinct, not the interwebz.
  • flimflamfloz
    flimflamfloz Posts: 1,980 Member
    I don't know why dating has to be so damn complicated!
    It's only as complicated as we allow it to be :)
    Trueeeee that. It's amazing how simply and smoothly things go when you're not even thinking about it.
    I think this place is has almost a negative affect on peoples common train of thought. Follow your instinct, not the interwebz.
    Yeah, the same thing is true about food right?

    While some people naturally understand "food" and have it right immediately (natural "healthy eaters") some people like me must read and learn, educate themselves using resources from (for example) the internet.
    Replace "food" by "dating" and see the point I'm trying to make.

    I have also heard that a monkey can type a text from Shakespeare given an infinite amount of time, but give the keyboard to an educated human and see how quicker things suddenly become.

    Now you can certainly achieve things in every domain of life using luck and a random trial and error system, but I don't see anything wrong with using guidelines (or "rules" as people want to call them) to make things easier and leverage the experience of previous people or experts in the field - which is applicable to all topics (people whose job is literally to study a topic in theory, to try to find out new techniques, go out and experiment in the real world, and write about this in Layman's terms, and they are also paid for this).
    On any given topic, you have some people who spend 40 hours a week, so surely they must know at least some things better than people who practice far less (us). I hardly believe that someone who follows their instinct will perform better than someone who studied in the field (any field) for years.
    Sure... Sure... We're all subjected to social interactions constantly, so everyone has some basic understanding of how things work (plus it makes for cuter stories to think that these things happened "by chance"). But again, it is certainly not a bad idea to follow directions from people who have a better understanding than us of these things.
    Or do we really believe that there is nothing to learn and improve in terms of social interactions?

    To explain further: I am not saying people should blindly follow every single rule they read (especially because some might be contradictory), but I think people should understand the "why" of those rules (what kind of successful behavior they are based on, the behavior those "rules" are trying to emulate), and try to use those they feel could be helpful in their dating lives (which require some self analysis on what your shortcomings are).

    Yes, as you can see I'm a firm believer on "dating guidelines" (I refuse to consider them as strict rules, as long as there is no dating police that enforce these rules).
  • castadiva
    castadiva Posts: 2,018 Member
    I wasn't trying to have sex. Just wanted to move 1 step past kissing where it was more of kissing and embracing. Yes, maybe under my shirt was a little more risky so I'll rethink that next time. Definately didn't want to get down!
    In no way do I mean to imply that you should have sex with the guy just because he's turned on! All I'm saying is that you need to be careful that you aren't sending out mixed signals that are confusing the hell out of him. Just communicate effectively what you want/need and listen to what he wants/needs. flowerforyou

    Forgive me, but to all those talking about mixed signals(only quoting one for brevity), it seems a hell of a mental jump to me from putting a hand on a waist whilst kissing, even under the shirt (swoon! I shall have the vapours!), to the assumption that this means a desire/intent to have sex immediately. Particularly as Amazona had already made it clear that she wanted to take physical things slowly... Someone asked if we're still in Junior High/High School - why should being older make any difference? You wouldn't have assumed a hand on the waist meant sex then, why would you now?! Especially with the preference of your partner for a slow burn already known.

    But hey, what would I know.
    If you were not a Christian (or whatever religion you are), I guarantee you would have had sex by now.

    I don't agree with this at all. I am not religious but I feel the same as Janie...that sex is for a relationship.

    As do I. Nothing to do with religion, everything to do with the matching of physical and emotional intimacy.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,444 Member
    Forgive me, but to all those talking about mixed signals(only quoting one for brevity), it seems a hell of a mental jump to me from putting a hand on a waist whilst kissing, even under the shirt (swoon! I shall have the vapours!), to the assumption that this means a desire/intent to have sex immediately. Particularly as Amazona had already made it clear that she wanted to take physical things slowly... Someone asked if we're still in Junior High/High School - why should being older make any difference? You wouldn't have assumed a hand on the waist meant sex then, why would you now?! Especially with the preference of your partner for a slow burn already known.

    But hey, what would I know.

    Inviting a guy to put his hand up your top is provocative hun. Dont do it unless you want him to explore further!

    The other mixed signal was taking the guy to a sex shop on their first date.

    As much as I agree that people should not read too much into signals, there is the age old adage that actions speak louder than words. I think guys are very tuned into sex from the word go, and you have to be careful what you're 'saying' to them.

    I think its absolutely fine if you just want to progress to second base. But just let the guy know this, cos most guys, as demonstrated above, will automatically assume they are going all the way!! You're in control and can stop the flow at any time. Just dont expect the guy (or girl!) to be happy about being turned on and then sent home. :flowerforyou:
  • castadiva
    castadiva Posts: 2,018 Member
    Forgive me, but to all those talking about mixed signals(only quoting one for brevity), it seems a hell of a mental jump to me from putting a hand on a waist whilst kissing, even under the shirt (swoon! I shall have the vapours!), to the assumption that this means a desire/intent to have sex immediately. Particularly as Amazona had already made it clear that she wanted to take physical things slowly... Someone asked if we're still in Junior High/High School - why should being older make any difference? You wouldn't have assumed a hand on the waist meant sex then, why would you now?! Especially with the preference of your partner for a slow burn already known.

    But hey, what would I know.

    Inviting a guy to put his hand up your top is provocative hun. Dont do it unless you want him to explore further!

    Oh, sure - provocative and encouraging further exploration, I get. Still seems like a long jump from (second?) base to the assumption of a home run (Have I got that right? bah! all these athletic metaphors confuse me!:laugh: ) to me. Aged 13 or 33 or 53!
    The other mixed signal was taking the guy to a sex shop on their first date.

    As much as I agree that people should not read too much into signals, there is the age old adage that actions speak louder than words. I think guys are very tuned into sex from the word go, and you have to be careful what you're 'saying' to them.

    I think its absolutely fine if you just want to progress to second base. But just let the guy know this, cos most guys, as demonstrated above, will automatically assume they are going all the way!! You're in control and can stop the flow at any time. Just dont expect the guy (or girl!) to be happy about being turned on and then sent home. :flowerforyou:

    I missed the sex shop thing - was it intentional? Seems like an odd thing to do on a first date.

    Actions speak louder than words - ok, most of the time - though when it comes to issues of consent, you're walking a very fine line. No means no, regardless of what actions may imply... And if the boundaries have already been verbally set, I'm not sure why someone would expect them to be broken to such an extent. Pushed a little, perhaps, but not thrown out altogether.

    I've got to go to an audition now, but I'm sure there'll be more to say when I get back! :tongue:
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,857 Member
    The sex shop thing was as a joke. It was next to the dive bar we went to (after sushi) and he said he had never visited one so we went in. We were giggling the whole time. I seriously doubt he got sent home sexually frustrated. We were in there for less than 5 min.

    And the whole hand under shirt thing. I could understand if I had placed it on my boob but it was my lower back since he was rubbing it anyway over my shirt.
    I stand that I only wanted to go a step past just kissing and that it should be fine. Making out is fun, kissing and exploring and shouldn't piss anybody off because they didn't get off. If a guy were to get pissed at me for *just* making out, he's a *kitten*.

    I see him tomorrow again. We are going on his cool bike for a ride. It's my first time!! So excited! :bigsmile: