Someone please tell me why SOME guys does this....

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  • 4themoney
    4themoney Posts: 797 Member
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    i had a guy recently do something similar to me. i will say that THAT single experience messed with my head more than anything else that has gone down dating wise.

    HE pursued me. like crazy. i reciprocated with YESes. we went out A LOT. he called, he texted, he held my hand, etc. he asked, i said yes. he wanted me to cook him dinner, i said yes. he wanted to see me but was having fun with some friends and didn't want to leave, i said call me when you're done. he asked me to take walks with him, i said yes.

    then, after a month of this...... suddenly i didn't hear from him. for about 24 hrs. which was uncommon. i just chalked it up to him being busy or distracted. he did call after 24 hrs. and said he'd call me later that night. he never did..... the next day, i didn't hear from him again, for almost another 24 hrs. he called and we chatted a bit. he thanked me for giving him some space, that he had a lot going on and he appreciated that i was giving him space to work through some of it. i told him it was ok, no worries and i understood. he said he wasn't 100% sure what he really wanted and needed at this time and again i told him i understood. etc.

    24 hrs go by again, and again. by this time i am pretty sure i'm getting the brush off. i had told him i wasn't going to contact him at all. because i had only ONE TIME contact him first in the past month. so, a week goes by and i hadn't heard from him. the sends a text about a medical situation and updates me. i thanked him. the next day he calls, we talk. he says he wants things to keep going the way they had been, with us seeing each other frequently. again, i tell him, that i WILL NOT contact him. if he wants to see me, go out, anything like that he will have to call me.

    another week goes by, i hear nothing. by this time, i assumed he had just poofed...... but, no, he texts me again after about 7 days.... with a new phone number. i did respond and ask him why he had a new number. he explained he was no longer on the online dating site and that he had started seeing an ex girlfriend that had moved back into town...... and that i was the ONLY girl he was giving his new number to...... i did respond that i didn't need his number. that i wouldn't be calling him, especially since he was dating someone else now. replied that he wanted to be my friend, if i was interested in that. and i thanked him but declined.

    so, it was a poof to a certain degree, but all he really did was prove to me that NO MATTER how hard a guy comes on, it isn't real. i mean, here i was thinking WOW, this guy seems totally into me. he likes me, and liked him. we were having a great time. i had NO CLUE if it would ever go anywhere, but i was having fun and was willing to SEE if it would go anywhere...... but, it wasn't real. none of it was. i was like a bookmark. just something to hold his place until he could get back to his game.

    i haven't been on a date, or had any real desire to go on a date since this all went down in october. i would have to say he pretty much ruined my faith in guys ( for the time being at least). i wish he had actually just poofed. i would have preferred that!!!!!!

    it sucks and i don't get it, but it is what it is..........
  • flimflamfloz
    flimflamfloz Posts: 1,980 Member
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    A girl I had been saying 2-3 times a week (lots of reciprocated texts, emails, exclusivity, etc. - the whole deal!) for nearly 3 months poofed on me suddenly.

    I believe the reason for it is that she thought (after a series of quiproquos) I was a lying, violent, manipulating, cold bast@rd. I can't help it, I'm inspiring! :laugh:

    EDIT: Yeah. It was a girl. So, it's definitely not just guys!
  • Mellie289
    Mellie289 Posts: 1,191 Member
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    This poofing "technique" seriously bugs me. It is just SO rude...though people do seem to be generally lacking in manners and social graces these days.

    But, I also enjoy a little closure, and if I have invested some time, effort, and emotional energy, I'm damn well going to get it.

    If I text a couple times and/or call and these are not returned, I wait a couple days. If there is just silence, then I send a final text (for myself really) which implies that obviously we don't have a connection on either side (truthful..because I never like people who don't put in effort and/or have reciprocal feelings), that manners/honesty would serve them better in their future relationships and genuinely wish them the best in life...or something to that effect. It is somehow lighthearted and admonishing all at the same time. Trust me.. I have worked hard to get the exact tone. I am not expressing it well, I know. However, more often than not, I get back at least an apology, or a compliment on my honesty (ironic!).. or an expression of renewed interest.

    Then I delete the number/email, all communications. There are no second chances.

    I KNOW I probably should be able to just leave it alone and not send this last text. But.. I love having the last word in this case, it makes me feel like it is totally my choice, and I really, really enjoy sending a very polite but clear F you. It gives me closure and a sense of power. Hopefully one day I'll be okay to not send it at all.

    As someone else who finds the whole poofing thing rude, this is perfect! :flowerforyou:
  • trojanbb
    trojanbb Posts: 1,297 Member
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    This happens to me with almost every girl I'm interested in and start txting. As soon as I let them initiate the conversations, I just get silence. So after a few days I initiate it again...and sometimes get a response and then silence...or just silence. Seems like most girls are just playing a game
  • kls13la
    kls13la Posts: 377 Member
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    I had a guy poof on me after six months of exclusive dating, including "I love yous," meeting the family and friends, etc. It was really unbelievable. He just left my house one day and never spoke to me again or responded to my calls. (And no, he wasn't injured or dead -- I checked.) I swear, if it hadn't happened to me I would've never believed anyone would be so rude. What a mindf*** that was.

    I can understand poofing in the early stages of a relationship, because at that point no one owes you anything, but it seems to me that after three or four dates, it is just simply polite to nicely tell the person that it isn't going to work out.
  • pammbroo
    pammbroo Posts: 550 Member
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    Not a fan of the poof....
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    This poofing "technique" seriously bugs me. It is just SO rude...though people do seem to be generally lacking in manners and social graces these days.

    But, I also enjoy a little closure, and if I have invested some time, effort, and emotional energy, I'm damn well going to get it.

    If I text a couple times and/or call and these are not returned, I wait a couple days. If there is just silence, then I send a final text (for myself really) which implies that obviously we don't have a connection on either side (truthful..because I never like people who don't put in effort and/or have reciprocal feelings), that manners/honesty would serve them better in their future relationships and genuinely wish them the best in life...or something to that effect. It is somehow lighthearted and admonishing all at the same time. Trust me.. I have worked hard to get the exact tone. I am not expressing it well, I know. However, more often than not, I get back at least an apology, or a compliment on my honesty (ironic!).. or an expression of renewed interest.

    Then I delete the number/email, all communications. There are no second chances.

    I KNOW I probably should be able to just leave it alone and not send this last text. But.. I love having the last word in this case, it makes me feel like it is totally my choice, and I really, really enjoy sending a very polite but clear F you. It gives me closure and a sense of power. Hopefully one day I'll be okay to not send it at all.

    Yeah SB, I like this one!!! :laugh: I agree with this closure/last word/revenge!! :laugh: If I send the last text and dont get a reply I would definitely send another telling him what a rude, ingnorant prick he is, and that I hope he stumbles across a nest of bees!!" :laugh:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    I had a guy poof on me after six months of exclusive dating, including "I love yous," meeting the family and friends, etc. It was really unbelievable. He just left my house one day and never spoke to me again or responded to my calls. (And no, he wasn't injured or dead -- I checked.) I swear, if it hadn't happened to me I would've never believed anyone would be so rude. What a mindf*** that was.

    I can understand poofing in the early stages of a relationship, because at that point no one owes you anything, but it seems to me that after three or four dates, it is just simply polite to nicely tell the person that it isn't going to work out.

    The one time this happened to me, after about 6 months too, the guy ended up taking an overdose and was sectioned under the mental health act for 6 months I didnt find out till a year later.

    I do believe that people that behave like this are mentally unstable in one way, shape or form! :flowerforyou:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    A girl I had been saying 2-3 times a week (lots of reciprocated texts, emails, exclusivity, etc. - the whole deal!) for nearly 3 months poofed on me suddenly.

    I believe the reason for it is that she thought (after a series of quiproquos) I was a lying, violent, manipulating, cold bast@rd. I can't help it, I'm inspiring! :laugh:

    EDIT: Yeah. It was a girl. So, it's definitely not just guys!

    We need to catch up!!!!! Is this Anais??? :noway:
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
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    Christ-on-a-stick, folks, can we please come up with a term other than "poofing"? It sounds like a word an old British woman would use to apologize for farting during a tea party.

    I nominate "pulling a Houdini" although I am not sure he was really known for a vanishing act.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    People have a "read between the lines" type of approach to this kind of stuff anymore.

    Very good point.

    In my opinion, it's often easier to "let someone down gently" in this kind of way, by slowly ceasing communication, not responding, etc. rather than tell them to their face "I don't think I want to date you anymore."

    Even look at the other thread posted today about the woman who asked out her child's swim instructor. Rather than say no, in my opinion, he pretended he didn't understand the message as to avoid an awkward conversation.
    I had a guy poof on me after six months of exclusive dating, including "I love yous," meeting the family and friends, etc. It was really unbelievable. He just left my house one day and never spoke to me again or responded to my calls. (And no, he wasn't injured or dead -- I checked.) I swear, if it hadn't happened to me I would've never believed anyone would be so rude. What a mindf*** that was.

    Happened to my friend too...and they got back together later because he said he was "scared", and are still together 4 years later. So dumb.
    This happens to me with almost every girl I'm interested in and start txting. As soon as I let them initiate the conversations, I just get silence. So after a few days I initiate it again...and sometimes get a response and then silence...or just silence. Seems like most girls are just playing a game

    I know for me, I don't want to seem too pushy on the guy. I would rather him want to talk to me. For me, it's just one of those old-fashioned "guy approaches the girl thing." I would respond enthusiastically however.

    It also doesn't help that the one time I texted a guy first, he never responded, so I'll never do that again.
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,855 Member
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    I've had it happen to me and I do this quite often. If I were dating a guy for a month or more, I'd hope he'd have the balls to tell me and I'd hope I'd have the balls to be honest.

    But yes, very normal nowadays.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
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    Christ-on-a-stick, folks, can we please come up with a term other than "poofing"? It sounds like a word an old British woman would use to apologize for farting during a tea party.

    I nominate "pulling a Houdini" although I am not sure he was really known for a vanishing act.

    I have had to describe to people that the last guy was " A fart in a skillet" ... Meaning he didnt exist anymore...no longer interested etc....

    Sorry ur lady fart thing made me think of that.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    i like the term disapparate like in harry potter :laugh: i was a huge disapparator in the past but i'm better now. i tend to sometimes be very interesting in guys in a non romantic way but purely on a "hmmm here's something new" kind of way. then once i'd get to know them i'd be like ok and not be interested anymore :laugh: like i said, i've gotten better and realized that people actually have feelings . unfortunatelt that's one of the downsides of being an ENTP


    my most recent poofiness was with a guy i had been kinda sorta dating for about 3 months.

    i say kinda sorta because i was never clear whether or not he was into me or if he was just doing stuff with me because he had nothing better to do. he ended up going back to germany for 2 weeks to visit his family and within that time i was sorta like mheh. by the time he came back i wasnt motivated to return his texts and emails..

    actually the texting and emailing thing might have been part of the reason i was never really interested in him. i did make it known to him that i can't bond with people via email and texts and preferred in person or phone calls, but he preferred it. we'd see each other once a week for a few hours and everything else was via email and text. after 3 months he was still sorta like a random acquaintance i'd just so happen to have kissed.
  • bradphil87
    bradphil87 Posts: 617 Member
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    It happens....if they are interested in you, they WILL want to talk to you. Been on both sides and that's just how it is basically....
  • Kerri_is_so_very
    Kerri_is_so_very Posts: 1,005 Member
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    Why dont you just ask him??

    Silly, I know..............but perhaps he's just busy?? Perhaps you said something to annoy him?? Perhaps he's in hospital??

    A simple text saying "hey, you dont seem to be into this anymore, would that be correct, or are you have problems elsewhere that would explain your lack of contact? I would prefer you just be honest.........."

    :flowerforyou:

    Well, cause I'm a woman....I did just that! LOL I knew he was busy visiting with his sons etc. and that also included some travel, but I still know a simple text only takes a minute and lets the person know you are thinking of them or looking forward to seeing them again etc. This was a guy that was saying good morning to me daily via text or good night.

    So I finally (after giving him all weekend and he had previously mentioned he "got bored easily") said "boy I guess you do get bored easily, but I'm guessing we weren't on the same page". Maybe not the best (I like yours better!!!), but after about 12 hours I got a lengthy text that started out "no, I didn't lose interest, but spent an extra night in VA, came home with a chest cold and my son took my truck to visit his mom....BUT after thinking about everything I've decided I'm really not prepared to turn back the clock 20 years...." (in regards to my young children vs his grown children).

    We met online /dating site and my initial contact was "I'd love to meet you if you are open to me having young children", the pics in my profile include these children and on the first date once we established we were attracted to one another I reminded him at least 6 times about these young children. I also said that I would leave it up to him, now that we had met how he would like to proceede, because if these young children were a deal breaker I didn't want to bother starting anything"....so he texted and called like crazy insisting to keep an open mind on the children thing....but now that he spent a week with adult children he couldn't imagine young children again?!?!?! I'm not sure if he is using my kids as an excuse, but either way I let him know I appreciated him letting me know and that I understood where he was coming from. We left it on an ok note.

    ETA - I never did introduce him to the kids, so it's not like he met them and then said "oh hell no" lol


    So now my next question...if young children are a deal breaker....WHY would you date a woman with them???? UGH!!! LOL Especially from a dating site, where the profile pretty much includes all this important information of haves, must haves and must have nots?!?!?! It's not like we randomly met and feel for eachother than he learned about my kids.
  • Jennifer2387
    Jennifer2387 Posts: 957 Member
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    Why dont you just ask him??

    Silly, I know..............but perhaps he's just busy?? Perhaps you said something to annoy him?? Perhaps he's in hospital??

    A simple text saying "hey, you dont seem to be into this anymore, would that be correct, or are you have problems elsewhere that would explain your lack of contact? I would prefer you just be honest.........."

    :flowerforyou:

    Well, cause I'm a woman....I did just that! LOL I knew he was busy visiting with his sons etc. and that also included some travel, but I still know a simple text only takes a minute and lets the person know you are thinking of them or looking forward to seeing them again etc. This was a guy that was saying good morning to me daily via text or good night.

    So I finally (after giving him all weekend and he had previously mentioned he "got bored easily") said "boy I guess you do get bored easily, but I'm guessing we weren't on the same page". Maybe not the best (I like yours better!!!), but after about 12 hours I got a lengthy text that started out "no, I didn't lose interest, but spent an extra night in VA, came home with a chest cold and my son took my truck to visit his mom....BUT after thinking about everything I've decided I'm really not prepared to turn back the clock 20 years...." (in regards to my young children vs his grown children).

    We met online /dating site and my initial contact was "I'd love to meet you if you are open to me having young children", the pics in my profile include these children and on the first date once we established we were attracted to one another I reminded him at least 6 times about these young children. I also said that I would leave it up to him, now that we had met how he would like to proceede, because if these young children were a deal breaker I didn't want to bother starting anything"....so he texted and called like crazy insisting to keep an open mind on the children thing....but now that he spent a week with adult children he couldn't imagine young children again?!?!?! I'm not sure if he is using my kids as an excuse, but either way I let him know I appreciated him letting me know and that I understood where he was coming from. We left it on an ok note.


    So now my next question...if young children are a deal breaker....WHY would you date a woman with them???? UGH!!! LOL Especially from a dating site, where the profile pretty much includes all this important information of haves, must haves and must have nots?!?!?! It's not like we randomly met and feel for eachother than he learned about my kids.

    It was probably more on him than having anything to do with you. Sometimes you think you can handle something and then you realize you can't. Probably all the craziness came down on him and he thought .. oh good lord I can't do this again.

    Sorry. :frown:
  • poncho33
    poncho33 Posts: 1,511
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    I'm a fan of poofing or "pulling a hoodini" or ninja'd.... I honestly don't see any reason you have to break up with someone that you were texting with or went on a date with. If there is no relationship I guess it seems dumb to me to have to break up with the person. Wasn't it called "not getting a call back" before texting?

    I think this is the standard and I'm fine with it.
  • Danielle_2013
    Danielle_2013 Posts: 806 Member
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    I'm a fan of poofing or "pulling a hoodini" or ninja'd.... I honestly don't see any reason you have to break up with someone that you were texting with or went on a date with. If there is no relationship I guess it seems dumb to me to have to break up with the person. Wasn't it called "not getting a call back" before texting?

    I think this is the standard and I'm fine with it.

    It is rude. Simple as that. If you have expended a decent amount of time, energy, emotion or even money with that other person, would it really kill you, for their sake, to let them know? Is it "breaking up", or simply being courteous?
    I am not saying you have to. Sure, everyone should get the hint by you not calling back. But dating is hard nowadays. If you can make it easier for both yourself and someone else by being direct and honest, why wouldn't you?
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    I'm a fan of poofing or "pulling a hoodini" or ninja'd.... I honestly don't see any reason you have to break up with someone that you were texting with or went on a date with. If there is no relationship I guess it seems dumb to me to have to break up with the person. Wasn't it called "not getting a call back" before texting?

    I think this is the standard and I'm fine with it.

    It is rude. Simple as that. If you have expended a decent amount of time, energy, emotion or even money with that other person, would it really kill you, for their sake, to let them know? Is it "breaking up", or simply being courteous?
    I am not saying you have to. Sure, everyone should get the hint by you not calling back. But dating is hard nowadays. If you can make it easier for both yourself and someone else by being direct and honest, why wouldn't you?

    I disagree. I think dating is easier than it's ever been. Communication and socializing has become so prolific people can't stop browsing the internet or responding to text messages despite being at dinner with real live people. You can meet a person you may never have come across in real life. You can get online and schedule dates for every night of the week.

    Dating is easy.

    Poncho is right, and I've said it before. This is nothing new. People stop talking to other people when they aren't interested anymore. You can consider it rude and send irate text messages but that doesn't do anything but affect you. I poof, and I've gotten those messages about how inconsiderate I am and how I am so rude and blah blah blah. You know what I do? Absolutely nothing. I read it and then go about my daily life - sometimes it might even give me a chuckle when they are particularly adamant. I owe them nothing.

    I don't think it's a real "investment" of time, resources and energy to chat with someone, maybe meet them a couple times. It doesn't leave anything up for the imagination either. "Does he like me or did he lose interest?" well, the answer is in the silence. If there was interest there would be communication.