They call me Mr. Advice.
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He's also 20 and has never really been in a serious relationship before. Maybe he's a little naive when it comes to dating and relationships. Or maybe he's just pretty traditional.
Yes, everyone has a past. Doesn't mean that you have to accept it though. Would you date someone who cheated on their spouse in the past? Would you date a former heroin addict? At what point do you write someone else off just because of their past?
So where's the line is what you are asking?
It's pretty simple really. If she looks at other guys you should "take corrective action." Once she gets to two black eyes though, if she does it a third time he should break up with her. Let's face it, he done told the b*tch twice. If she didn't learn, she's just a dumb ho and it's so so embarrassing showing off a dumb ho to all his friends.
I mean come on. It's called class. She should have some.
The line is where you feel comfortable at. Some people wouldn't feel comfortable building a future with a former drug addict, others will.
The line is completely subjective. In Matt's case, the line was her being FWB with the other dude.
Will his thoughts and opinions change by the time he's 30..? Most likely. But he's uncomfortable with it right now.. and that's all that matters.0 -
Your so-called sage advise is not to do something you are not comfortable with? That sounds nice on paper but can lead to regrets once you get life experience. I think better advise would have been to ask him why he treats her like the "White Knight?"
Is it because he has an expectation that chivalrous actions are what it takes to get what he wants from women? If so, he should break up with her because he doesn't really respect her and she deserves better? If it's because he likes her that much and wants to give to her because he enjoys the happiness it brings her, then he should hold on for dear life because it is rare to find someone like that.
As far as giving advice I'd also ask him what his expectations are about women and sex and provide him information about reality so he is making his decisions based on more realistic information rather than off of a perception based on the male version of the faery tale romance.0 -
I don't really buy into the whole FWB thing to be honest. Mike, for once, I kinda get where your advice is coming from. Situations like this is why I believe sex is for relationships. Why would you freely have sex with one man or woman but make another wait x amount of dates or time before having sex? Why will a guy only have sex with Girl A but be willing to wine and dine Girl B? That goes for men and women.
If you're going to be a person who freely has sex like Sophia, I too would wonder "why do I have to invest this time and energy into dating her when that guy got to date/sleep with her without doing jack *kitten*?"
I would say that it's because one means more then the other? And sometimes people make mistakes, they aren't proud of their past and want to make a change.
Good point, I think it applies in many situations
Comfort is right though. Somewhere there is a guy who won't care about Sophia's past. And somewhere there is a girl who is perfect for the boy (brad?)0 -
Yes, everyone has a past. Doesn't mean that you have to accept it though. Would you date someone who cheated on their spouse in the past? Would you date a former heroin addict? At what point do you write someone else off just because of their past?
You're seriously comparing a girl having sex with someone before meeting her current boyfriend and herion addiction?
Perhaps that's a clue right there that you've lost the plot?
--P
The point.. you missed it. The example was pretty extreme to show how far you would go to when it comes to accepting someones past.
No, I think I got the point. You missed mine, so I'll lay it out more clearly: your posts are extremely superficial, holding women to a standard that you, yourself, could never meet. Relationships to you seem to be a zero sum game where you try to "win" by dating "top tier" women, with the scorecard dreamed up in a high school football locker room. It's a cynical game where women are reduced to pieces of merchandise whose prices you set, but whose true value you could never hope to comprehend.
--P0 -
I don't really buy into the whole FWB thing to be honest. Mike, for once, I kinda get where your advice is coming from. Situations like this is why I believe sex is for relationships. Why would you freely have sex with one man or woman but make another wait x amount of dates or time before having sex? Why will a guy only have sex with Girl A but be willing to wine and dine Girl B? That goes for men and women.
If you're going to be a person who freely has sex like Sophia, I too would wonder "why do I have to invest this time and energy into dating her when that guy got to date/sleep with her without doing jack *kitten*?"
I would say that it's because one means more then the other? And sometimes people make mistakes, they aren't proud of their past and want to make a change.
Good point, I think it applies in many situations
Comfort is right though. Somewhere there is a guy who won't care about Sophia's past. And somewhere there is a girl who is perfect for the boy (brad?)
I would argue that a real man doesn't worry about a person's past, it's in the past for a reason. Worry about the present, because she's with you right now. But that's obviously just a point of view.0 -
Hey Mike,
I think the fact that he's a little naive because he is new to serious relationships takes a huge role in his thought process. I think FWB's are really common, but if this makes him uncomfortable then he needs to speak with her and maybe having the conversation will help him, but he needs to talk to HER about it. In regards to her being easy, could be or it could be that she didn't want to be emotionally involved with this other person and just wanted to have fun with whatever it was they had. He won't know until he has a conversation with her.0 -
He's also 20 and has never really been in a serious relationship before. Maybe he's a little naive when it comes to dating and relationships. Or maybe he's just pretty traditional.
Yes, everyone has a past. Doesn't mean that you have to accept it though. Would you date someone who cheated on their spouse in the past? Would you date a former heroin addict? At what point do you write someone else off just because of their past?
So, he has never had serious relationship before. What if this woman's past was a serious boyfriend instead of a FWB? Is the issue that she has had lots of sex before with someone else? And really, it sounds like it was just one guy whom she trusted as a friend (FWB) rather than sleeping around with any guy who crossed her path, so I wouldn't label her as easy.
At 20, maybe it's time to deliver the advice for this boy to grow up and realize that people come with experience sometimes. He is now more and more likely to meet women who have ... oh no!... had sex already when other men! *gasp*
If a former serious BF is okay but not a FWB, this really sounds like some warped mentality about buying a girlfriend with the money he has invested into courting her. *SMH* I refer you back to Zach's postHaving the mentality that "you have spent X amount of dollars on a woman means you own a woman
will inevitably lead to his downfall.0 -
Yes, everyone has a past. Doesn't mean that you have to accept it though. Would you date someone who cheated on their spouse in the past? Would you date a former heroin addict? At what point do you write someone else off just because of their past?
You're seriously comparing a girl having sex with someone before meeting her current boyfriend and herion addiction?
Perhaps that's a clue right there that you've lost the plot?
--P
The point.. you missed it. The example was pretty extreme to show how far you would go to when it comes to accepting someones past.
No, I think I got the point. You missed mine, so I'll lay it out more clearly: your posts are extremely superficial, holding women to a standard that you, yourself, could never meet. Relationships to you seem to be a zero sum game where you try to "win" by dating "top tier" women, with the scorecard dreamed up in a high school football locker room. It's a cynical game where women are reduced to pieces of merchandise whose prices you set, but whose true value you could never hope to comprehend.
--P
Again. My original posts mentions NOTHING like this (not sure where you're getting this from). I was just asking what advice YOU would have given Matt.
What's with you and your tangents? You always seem to bring up fake boobs, drone attacks, or bash people's religious beliefs (which caused our last moderator to leave MFP) when it has absolutely nothing to do with the original post. Why do you that?0 -
Hey Mike,
I think the fact that he's a little naive because he is new to serious relationships takes a huge role in his thought process. I think FWB's are really common, but if this makes him uncomfortable then he needs to speak with her and maybe having the conversation will help him, but he needs to talk to HER about it. In regards to her being easy, could be or it could be that she didn't want to be emotionally involved with this other person and just wanted to have fun with whatever it was they had. He won't know until he has a conversation with her.
I agree with this. A lot of this has to do with the fact that he's 20 and not too experienced in the relationship world.0 -
Your so-called sage advise is not to do something you are not comfortable with? That sounds nice on paper but can lead to regrets once you get life experience. I think better advise would have been to ask him why he treats her like the "White Knight?"
Is it because he has an expectation that chivalrous actions are what it takes to get what he wants from women? If so, he should break up with her because he doesn't really respect her and she deserves better? If it's because he likes her that much and wants to give to her because he enjoys the happiness it brings her, then he should hold on for dear life because it is rare to find someone like that.
As far as giving advice I'd also ask him what his expectations are about women and sex and provide him information about reality so he is making his decisions based on more realistic information rather than off of a perception based on the male version of the faery tale romance.
I think this is definitely more sage advice to pass on than simply a "you deserve better".0 -
Your so-called sage advise is not to do something you are not comfortable with? That sounds nice on paper but can lead to regrets once you get life experience. I think better advise would have been to ask him why he treats her like the "White Knight?"
Is it because he has an expectation that chivalrous actions are what it takes to get what he wants from women? If so, he should break up with her because he doesn't really respect her and she deserves better? If it's because he likes her that much and wants to give to her because he enjoys the happiness it brings her, then he should hold on for dear life because it is rare to find someone like that.
As far as giving advice I'd also ask him what his expectations are about women and sex and provide him information about reality so he is making his decisions based on more realistic information rather than off of a perception based on the male version of the faery tale romance.
I could have told him this. But, you're dealing with a 20 year here.
In his mind, he put in a lot of time, effort, and money to get this girl to like him. And he was just doing what the movies have taught him to do. Be chivalrous, buy her flowers, etc etc. At 20 years of age, sex is the ultimate reward for guys.
He feels like a chump because he gave it his all. Whereas the last guy got sex without having to do anything (his words, not mine).
I didn't think of it at the time, but maybe Matt was just being the ever-so-hated Nice Guy..?0 -
I would say his like of thinking would fit with that. The Nice Guy sees giving favors and buying a woman things as buying her affection and entitling him to it. He needs to take sex off a pedestal and see that it's not the prize in a relationship.I could have told him this. But, you're dealing with a 20 year here.
In his mind, he put in a lot of time, effort, and money to get this girl to like him. And he was just doing what the movies have taught him to do. Be chivalrous, buy her flowers, etc etc. At 20 years of age, sex is the ultimate reward for guys.
He feels like a chump because he gave it his all. Whereas the last guy got sex without having to do anything (his words, not mine).
I didn't think of it at the time, but maybe Matt was just being the ever-so-hated Nice Guy..?
Obviously, this girl thinks more of Matt to want a relationship with him and not a FWB situation. Since he thinks she's slutty for her past FWB, she would be better off too if he dumps her since she deserves better than someone who thinks that of her when she has been honest and isn't (as far as we know) cheating on him. She deserves someone who isn't going to judge her from his high horse.0 -
Your so-called sage advise is not to do something you are not comfortable with? That sounds nice on paper but can lead to regrets once you get life experience. I think better advise would have been to ask him why he treats her like the "White Knight?"
Is it because he has an expectation that chivalrous actions are what it takes to get what he wants from women? If so, he should break up with her because he doesn't really respect her and she deserves better? If it's because he likes her that much and wants to give to her because he enjoys the happiness it brings her, then he should hold on for dear life because it is rare to find someone like that.
As far as giving advice I'd also ask him what his expectations are about women and sex and provide him information about reality so he is making his decisions based on more realistic information rather than off of a perception based on the male version of the faery tale romance.
I could have told him this. But, you're dealing with a 20 year here.
In his mind, he put in a lot of time, effort, and money to get this girl to like him. And he was just doing what the movies have taught him to do. Be chivalrous, buy her flowers, etc etc. At 20 years of age, sex is the ultimate reward for guys.
He feels like a chump because he gave it his all. Whereas the last guy got sex without having to do anything (his words, not mine).
I didn't think of it at the time, but maybe Matt was just being the ever-so-hated Nice Guy..?
Maybe he is a 6 and has to work harder because she is a 8 and the guy she was FWB was a 9.0 -
if he's just in the relationship for the sex then yeah i would have suggested he break it off too. if he feels like a chump for putting more into it then the FWB, he should break it off. not because of her past, but because he isn't really getting the point of being in a relationship.
if he and i had the conversation i probably would have said something along the lines of what you said. that if you are uncomfortable with someone's past, or views on things, then you don't have to stay with them. i dated a guy that has massive unresolved issues with his ex. i couldn't handle it, can't handle it. so, i told him i couldn't date him anymore.
i expect guys to be casual about sex. i am not. so, sex is something i try to NOT make judgements about. what i have learned about guys and sex is , that they want their woman to NOT have a past. if she is going to be his girlfriend, she better not be "a sloot." so, he can have a FWB, but she best not ever have one. and that doesn't mean that she really can't, he just doesn't ever need to hear that she has.......
she thinks she is doing the right thing by being honest, and in reality she is shooting herself in the foot......0 -
I would have told him to man up and stop being a whiny little b*tch. Little spoiled *kitten* needs to break up with her until his testicles drop.
Damn, I have to do like... 14 shots now. It's gonna be a long night. LOVE THE REST OF YOU GUYS!
<3 0 -
she thinks she is doing the right thing by being honest, and in reality she is shooting herself in the foot......
No..she's doing herself a favor by weeding out the judgemental pricks. No woman deserves to be with a man like that.
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oh i agree that she is weeding out the bad ones. but, MOST guys don't want to know that she has any kind of past. if you know what i mean. it's ok that's she done it, as long as he doesn't KNOW she's done it....... that's why i say she thinks she's doing the right thing by being honest, but in reality she isn't..... he doesn't want to KNOW she's been with guys like that........
she thinks she is doing the right thing by being honest, and in reality she is shooting herself in the foot......
No..she's doing herself a favor by weeding out the judgemental pricks. No woman deserves to be with a man like that.0 -
I think he should break up with her. He clearly needs a little more time to emotionally mature.
I think my advice to him would be to go and date a number of different people for more experience himself. When he stops doing "chivalrous" acts and spending money on his dates as a straight exchange or transaction for sex, he might consider looking for a real relationship again.
He should probably stop watching romantic comedies also.
While I think it is amazing she was so honest at 20... I confess I probably would not have admitted this myself at that age..had I had similar experiences.0 -
There is so little context provided with the scenario that it is impossible to have an idea what is going on.
If he feels he is buying her attentions then he is not being respectful or mature.
If she is using sex as a carrot to get him to do what she now wants then neither is she.
If he is using her honesty about her past as leverage to get what he wants then he is a user.
If she is telling him one thing (need a committed relationship first before sex is even considered) but is clear that she still has no problem with an itch being scratched when wanted now too then it is a contradiction and cause for confusion.
There are probably a half dozen or more "ifs" we can all think of that will change impressions back and forth so just not sure how to take a position.0 -
LOL Mike I love you couldn't have made a post more likely to get my attention.
1. They need to break up. Bottom line is if he isn't happy with her sexual history it's not going to magically disappear so he needs to get over it or get gone.
2. She should have never told him about her FWB. He is 20 yrs old its very different at that point in his life. If he were 30 he would probably have a better time accepting it. Personally I never tell a guy about my previous lovers simply because it is none of his buisness. Mr NG only new about FFWB because he was around when it was happening.
3.They are both 20 (I'm assuming) his sexual history might not be compatible to hers and that is what may be making him truely uncomfortable.
Do I think she is easy, obviously not (hello I would be a huge hypocrite) But her BF obviously thinks she is easy and that not good. Bottom line it's time to cut rope and sail on.0 -
oh i agree that she is weeding out the bad ones. but, MOST guys don't want to know that she has any kind of past. if you know what i mean. it's ok that's she done it, as long as he doesn't KNOW she's done it....... that's why i say she thinks she's doing the right thing by being honest, but in reality she isn't..... he doesn't want to KNOW she's been with guys like that........
I don't think Matt would mind "any past", it's just Sophia's specific past that he's a bit troubled by. I can guarantee if she had a few LTR's or dated a few different men, he wouldn't have a problem with it. It's just the FWB that he's not cool with.0 -
You left out a key detail Mike. How's the frequency of sex between Matt and Sophia? That would have impact upon the way I perceive Matt should feel about the situation. If he's been Mr. White Knight and he has not had frequent sex with her in that 5 month time period while she did an FWB in the past, it is understandable why Matt would be a bit miffed.
^^^This0 -
that's kinda what i meant. the more casual stuff...... she could have had a one night stand the night before they met, that probably wouldn't go over very well with matt. my guess is that at his age, he isn't interested in a girl that is casual, OR, he should probably focus on just having sex and not worry about the relationship part of the equation........
though, i do wonder if she went from guy to guy ( serial monogamy style) if he would be cool with that too???? i mean, they're 20.... that's not all that old!oh i agree that she is weeding out the bad ones. but, MOST guys don't want to know that she has any kind of past. if you know what i mean. it's ok that's she done it, as long as he doesn't KNOW she's done it....... that's why i say she thinks she's doing the right thing by being honest, but in reality she isn't..... he doesn't want to KNOW she's been with guys like that........
I don't think Matt would mind "any past", it's just Sophia's specific past that he's a bit troubled by. I can guarantee if she had a few LTR's or dated a few different men, he wouldn't have a problem with it. It's just the FWB that he's not cool with.0 -
Someone's past doesn't predict the way they should be treated in the present. I'm sorry, and I know this guy is 20 and young and doesn't know better, but he sounds really douchey. Guys should WANT to treat a girl like a lady, if she's the right one. This only bothers him because she isn't the right one. What was she supposed to do, save herself for him?0
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Someone's past doesn't predict the way they should be treated in the present.
You don't think past actions are any indication of future behavior? (in general)0 -
Someone's past doesn't predict the way they should be treated in the present.
You don't think past actions are any indication of future behavior? (in general)
No actually, maybe a continued history of it. But I believe a person should be judged on their current actions. Relationships are too often complicated further then needed be by the ghosts of boyfriends/girlfriends past. Live life in the present and don't let the past hold you back from something.0 -
Someone's past doesn't predict the way they should be treated in the present.
You don't think past actions are any indication of future behavior? (in general)
No actually, maybe a continued history of it. But I believe a person should be judged on their current actions. Relationships are too often complicated further then needed be by the ghosts of boyfriends/girlfriends past. Live life in the present and don't let the past hold you back from something.
I would be out of a job if this was true, finanically speaking.0 -
Someone's past doesn't predict the way they should be treated in the present.
You don't think past actions are any indication of future behavior? (in general)
It depends. Serial cheaters are serial cheaters. But having sex is not a crime and people should be comfortable enough with themselves to enjoy their own bodies and sex. Enjoying sex does not show poor moral fiber0 -
He should probably stop watching romantic comedies also.
Really good advice there.0 -
I told him he has a bunch of options and he doesn't deserve to be with a easy girl like Sophia. I really hope he breaks up with her, no guy deserves that.
So once a woman enters into a FWB situation she becomes "easy" and from what you're saying, ultimately tarnished and no guy deserves to be with her again?
Really?
If he isn't comfortable with it, then he doesn't deserve it.
They're dating and he's finding more about her that he doesn't like. Doesn't mean she's tarnished, but Sophia can't expect every guy to be cool with it either.
You called her "easy" because she had a FWB. I don't consider that easy....but I'll make sure I make the guy buy me dinner next time so he thinks he has to work for it.... lol.
I don't view being "easy" as a bad thing. Hell, I'm pretty damn easy! :laugh:
If you can sleep with a girl without having to do any work whatsoever, then yes, it'd consider it pretty easy.
As opposed to having to 'work' for it by spending money on her? Doesn't that make her a prostitute?
Meh. If your pal isn't happy, he can always look elsewhere.
Some of us women have never expected dinners and movies anyway, unless our guy was just in the mood to go out, caught us short on cash, and would rather pay than go out by himself.
Some men really over-complicate things.
Note to self: Save the delicate darlings some serious neurosis and leave your past a closed book!0
