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We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.@Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.
I am not an overly affectionate person either. I like somethings, but I think too much PDA is kinda icky to me.
I think if you are feeling blindsided, then you should sit down with her and say... 'hey we agreed to A, but I am feeling that you are frustrated becuase I am not providing B and I am not even sure what B is' haha ok bad example but you get my point. If you think she is worth it, communication next hurt anyone.
ETA: I dont need a hug or kiss when you pick me up, but I want a kiss goodbye. I don't NEED to hold your hand in public all the time, but a hand on my leg or around my shoulders on the couch I like.... just that kinda thing0 -
We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.@Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.
Sorry you feel blindsided. That's the worst, especially when you already feel as though you're putting in so much effort.
On another note, can I just say that I might be swooning a bit by how hard you're trying in this situation. It would be nice to see more guys put in the effort you seem to be once in a while. :flowerforyou:0 -
If she has been feeling insecure for any reason lately, she could be trying to seek affermation to rebuild her spirits. She could be looking to you and your affection to help her feel better about herself. This puts extra strain on you if it is not something your comfortable with.
My sugestion is to take a look at her life, or talk with her, and see if you can find any changes reciently that may make her feel insecure or insignificant.
Every woman needs to feel special. Some can find it themselves. Some requre others to show them.
Also If her life has changed much since you and her started to get serious, that could affect her too. Especialy if she no longer accomplishes everything she used to in a day. The more time she spends with you, the less time she has for her self.
Either way, I wish you well. Good luck!
Where are men like you in my neck of the woods?
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I don't think I have ever dated anyone that is not openly affectionate. I have a very affectionate family, so maybe I just go for guys that are also? So.......can't really help here.....0
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If she has been feeling insecure for any reason lately, she could be trying to seek affermation to rebuild her spirits. She could be looking to you and your affection to help her feel better about herself. This puts extra strain on you if it is not something your comfortable with.
My sugestion is to take a look at her life, or talk with her, and see if you can find any changes reciently that may make her feel insecure or insignificant.
Every woman needs to feel special. Some can find it themselves. Some requre others to show them.
Also If her life has changed much since you and her started to get serious, that could affect her too. Especialy if she no longer accomplishes everything she used to in a day. The more time she spends with you, the less time she has for her self.
Either way, I wish you well. Good luck!
Where are men like you in my neck of the woods?
they aren't here either...
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Roadie - any possiblity that she said that she valued quality time most as it was what seemed to be important to you..and possibly put aside her own real needs for the last 8-9 months in an effort to make the relationship work, because clearly you are awesome?
If so.. this might be a bit of the cause. Those needs may be surfacing as your quality time has diminished a little lately.. and it is reminding her of what she really wanted..possibly all along.
I only say this because it what was I did - sacrificed part of myself to make the relationship work, agreed and went along with it because he was such a great person, but then a lot of resentment built because I wasn't physically or emotionally satisfied with the amount and type of affection I was receiving.
Not saying this IS the case in your situation..but I wasn't lying, I simply didn't even realize that I was missing those areas that much.0 -
I do all that stuff, I'm still not exactly sure what the problem is. We talked about it for a while the other night, and she said she felt better about it, but now it's bothering me that it bothered her. If that makes any sense.
We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.@Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.
I am not an overly affectionate person either. I like somethings, but I think too much PDA is kinda icky to me.
I think if you are feeling blindsided, then you should sit down with her and say... 'hey we agreed to A, but I am feeling that you are frustrated becuase I am not providing B and I am not even sure what B is' haha ok bad example but you get my point. If you think she is worth it, communication next hurt anyone.
ETA: I dont need a hug or kiss when you pick me up, but I want a kiss goodbye. I don't NEED to hold your hand in public all the time, but a hand on my leg or around my shoulders on the couch I like.... just that kinda thing0 -
Well she brought it up and answered things first, so I don't think she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. It also doesn't mean that she ONLY likes the quality time, she likes the other stuff too, just not as much. But possibly like you said there has been a little less quality time so she's looking for other ways to make up for it. That would make a lot of sense actually.Roadie - any possiblity that she said that she valued quality time most as it was what seemed to be important to you..and possibly put aside her own real needs for the last 8-9 months in an effort to make the relationship work, because clearly you are awesome?
If so.. this might be a bit of the cause. Those needs may be surfacing as your quality time has diminished a little lately.. and it is reminding her of what she really wanted..possibly all along.
I only say this because it what was I did - sacrificed part of myself to make the relationship work, agreed and went along with it because he was such a great person, but then a lot of resentment built because I wasn't physically or emotionally satisfied with the amount and type of affection I was receiving.
Not saying this IS the case in your situation..but I wasn't lying, I simply didn't even realize that I was missing those areas that much.0 -
Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.
I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious
I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...
Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.
@moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.
Well, I guess you're not compatible in that respect. The real question is, can she accept you the way you are?
All too often women try and change men, and I dont think that works long term. We are also very good at wanting more than a man can give too!! lol I think it comes of women treating relationships as top priority and men being more work focused?
Perhaps you just need someone more like Sam, who's more independant and not a huggy type woman? Someone like me would drive you mad, I'm always cuddling and touching people........ :laugh:
Hope you both can figure it out anyhow. As Moonshadow said, it may be that something has triggered this if she showed no signs before. It could be a passing phase :flowerforyou:0 -
I do all that stuff, I'm still not exactly sure what the problem is. We talked about it for a while the other night, and she said she felt better about it, but now it's bothering me that it bothered her. If that makes any sense.
We've actually talked about this a lot and both agreed we prefer quality time over everything else. The only problem with this we live 45 min away from each other and she has kids except for Tuesdays and every other weekend, so quality time is difficult to come by. We both agreed a while back that all we need to feel loved is for the other person to continue to make an effort to see each other.@Roadie, Not attempting to intrude here, but if part of it really is the affection issue, then you may want to check out the book 5 Love Languages. It's pretty eye opening about how simple things can change your relationship and how you interact with one another. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Also this is my busy time of year at work and I still find time to drive up to see her a couple times a week and even go to her kid's hockey games. Now she's pointing out all this stuff that I'm not doing and I sort of feel blindsided.
I am not an overly affectionate person either. I like somethings, but I think too much PDA is kinda icky to me.
I think if you are feeling blindsided, then you should sit down with her and say... 'hey we agreed to A, but I am feeling that you are frustrated becuase I am not providing B and I am not even sure what B is' haha ok bad example but you get my point. If you think she is worth it, communication next hurt anyone.
ETA: I dont need a hug or kiss when you pick me up, but I want a kiss goodbye. I don't NEED to hold your hand in public all the time, but a hand on my leg or around my shoulders on the couch I like.... just that kinda thing
My guess is it is bothering you now becuase you like her 0 -
Perhaps you just need someone more like Sam, who's more independant and not a huggy type woman?
Anna, I see what you did there :huh::laugh:0 -
I only say this because it what was I did - sacrificed part of myself to make the relationship work, agreed and went along with it because he was such a great person, but then a lot of resentment built because I wasn't physically or emotionally satisfied with the amount and type of affection I was receiving.
My situation is a little different but I have done this before.
When I met my last bf (we dated 9 months) things were going smoothly and all was great, but I got to the point that 1 date a week didn't feel like enough at about 4-5 months in. We talked and he told me all I wanted to hear. Well nothing changed and I broke up with him maybe a month later. When I got to thinking about it, I kind of thought I was the problem. Maybe this is a normal healthy relationship (I have always jumped in and lived together in the first month lol) So I should just lay back and let him come to me. We got back together and things were going ok for about another 4 months, when I realized all these feelings were surfacing again. I came to realize that no it wasn't me, I had lost myself the last 4 months and this wasn't normal. In my case I found out he was a gambling addict and that's why he NEVER had time for me, and when he should have time he always had some lame excuse/seemed like he was waiting for better to come along. Felt good to move on.
Moral of my story is - when you sacrafice a part of yourself, no matter if you realize it or not, those old feelings will ALWAYS resurface.0 -
This is a really interesting discussion to me, because I'm not an affectionate person at all and it always ends up turning into a struggle of the man in my life feeling neglected.
I've been dating a guy for the past five months and everything is going really, really great...but I fear what may be coming. I'm happy with seeing him 2-3 times a week and feel like I could continue with a schedule like that indefinitely, but I know that as the months wear on he is going to want more. (I'm just a "need my alone time" introverted independent workaholic busy kind of person, and really have never met a man I wanted to see every single day or even 5-6 days a week. I just don't feel like I have time for that.) He hasn't pushed for more per se, but has mentioned off the cuff that he would like to see more of me.
I feel like everyone I know who is in a relationship sees their significant other nearly every day, and I would feel smothered if I had to do that. I've never been able to do that. I've considered strongly whether I just don't have deep enough feelings for him, but I really don't think that's it either. I would be happy to continue dating him forever. But...realistically...he's going to want more at some point. And I'm not sure I can give him that...."more." I'm fundamentally happier when I'm alone. It makes me feel like a weirdo sometimes.0 -
Status: in a relationship. Dated casually 3 months, been "official" 6 months. He wants more (has dropped the M word on me) but I have issues (some of which are admittedly superficial). He is an amazing man, and I'm taking my deployment time as an opportunity to explore whether it's really a big deal or am I still trying to compete against my ex and his 21 yr old model fiancé.
As to the hugging thing, YEARS ago I hated ALL physical connection that didn't come from my SO. Now I am a hugger, kisser (cheek) and don't mind non-sexual physical contact. I *do* however, take great issue with men who try to be sexual without getting to know me (for example, kissing on the lips upon first meeting).0 -
I *do* however, take great issue with men who try to be sexual without getting to know me (for example, kissing on the lips upon first meeting).
Agree 100%, huge deal breaker for me.0 -
This is a really interesting discussion to me, because I'm not an affectionate person at all and it always ends up turning into a struggle of the man in my life feeling neglected.
I've been dating a guy for the past five months and everything is going really, really great...but I fear what may be coming. I'm happy with seeing him 2-3 times a week and feel like I could continue with a schedule like that indefinitely, but I know that as the months wear on he is going to want more. (I'm just a "need my alone time" introverted independent workaholic busy kind of person, and really have never met a man I wanted to see every single day or even 5-6 days a week. I just don't feel like I have time for that.) He hasn't pushed for more per se, but has mentioned off the cuff that he would like to see more of me.
I feel like everyone I know who is in a relationship sees their significant other nearly every day, and I would feel smothered if I had to do that. I've never been able to do that. I've considered strongly whether I just don't have deep enough feelings for him, but I really don't think that's it either. I would be happy to continue dating him forever. But...realistically...he's going to want more at some point. And I'm not sure I can give him that...."more." I'm fundamentally happier when I'm alone. It makes me feel like a weirdo sometimes.
I feel you, 2-3 days a week is nice. That is what I really wanted with my ex bf, but he could barely do 1-2. 3 was a very rare special treat lol.
I dont think it speaks for you not having deep enough feelings for him, you are just independent with your own life, and are happy with the balance. I think though at some point you will need to move to the next level though. You aren't there yet, and I think that is ok - might be nice to think about what your compramise may be when he does ask?!?!
ETA: I feel somewhat lucky with kids that this slows stuff down alot. I was always moving in with bf's VERY quickly, and now I won't. I have actually decided I won't live with another man without a ring on my finger. Having the kids makes it easier to slow stuff down to protect not only me but them too. It's nice you can do that just with your personality type.0 -
I feel you, 2-3 days a week is nice. That is what I really wanted with my ex bf, but he could barely do 1-2. 3 was a very rare special treat lol.
Yeah, even I think once a week is not enough!I dont think it speaks for you not having deep enough feelings for him, you are just independent with your own life, and are happy with the balance.
This is exactly it.I think though at some point you will need to move to the next level though. You aren't there yet, and I think that is ok - might be nice to think about what your compramise may be when he does ask?!?!
I know it will have to move at some point...I'm thinking I probably have 3-4 more months that I can keep going like this. I'm not sure what I will do. I guess I'll just have to see how much more frequently he wants us to see each other and decide if I can handle it. I certainly hope he doesn't start squawking about moving in together or marriage anytime soon...eek. I really don't want to let him go, though. He's a great guy and we are really compatible. So far he has been understanding about my quirks!0 -
I know it will have to move at some point...I'm thinking I probably have 3-4 more months that I can keep going like this. I'm not sure what I will do. I guess I'll just have to see how much more frequently he wants us to see each other and decide if I can handle it. I certainly hope he doesn't start squawking about moving in together or marriage anytime soon...eek. I really don't want to let him go, though. He's a great guy and we are really compatible. So far he has been understanding about my quirks!
It's cute you say squawking about marriage etc. I can't wait to be married but after a long list of relationship mess ups (lol) there will be no living together until that ring is on my finger.
Hopefully you two have some time and can come to a good compromise. He sounds like a good guy for you and that seems hard to find. 0 -
Well part of it is I'm just not a very outwardly affectionate or touchy/feely person, and women tend to take that personally and leaves them wanting something more. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable.Been seeing someone for about 8 or 9 months now, and things seem to be going downhill. Same old story, they always just seem to want more than I can (or am willing to) give them. Nothing ever seems to be good enough, it's exhausting.
I am curious what they want you can't or won't give? just curious
I am glad I'm not the only one wondering this...
Could you elaborate on what you mean by this Roadie?
There's also a bit more to it than that, but I'd rather not get into it on here.
@moonshadows - she's never been emotionally dependent at all until recently, so this is sort of surprising.
Sounds to me like she is ready for the relationship to move to the next stage and she's wondering whether it will, so she's feeling a bit insecure and reading too much into random signs rather than addressing the emotional need. That would fit with feeling better after she talked to you (as she gained reassurance you are still into her).
By the way, whilst I totally agree with needingto be with someone who is the right fit and not trying to change yourself too much for a partner, I do believe it's good to try and change for yourself if you have identified something that you'd like to change. So I was interested in you saying "I'm working on it, but I'm not sure how much I can do without it feeling forced or becomes uncomfortable. ".
We all have our own comfort zone. Any change which feels diffiicult takes us outside it. It's only through repeatedly stepping outside it that the comfort circle widens and we feel OK again. Otherwise known as "fake it until you make it" . Not that it is faking it really as the action is congruent with the feelings, it's just the expression of them that causes the discomfort. Not sure if this helps but thought I would share it in case it does 0 -
I set myself a limit of only breaking one heart per year so no more dating until next year for me :ohwell:
Why would you limit yourself? If you feel that your ready to move on and persue another relationship, then I see no reason why you shouldent do so! This is for you, not for them.
I mean... leading someone on is completely different from trying things and finding that its not working.
Thanks Luke :flowerforyou: I must admit, I made up the one heart per year thing as I posted in exasperation with myself :ohwell:
Unfortunately, I've had a lifelong problem with the "This is for you, not for them" thing. With me, it's all about the other person. I've sorted this out in other areas of my life eg with family and friends where my relationships are now much more mutual in terms of giving. But dating takes things to a whole new level.
The start is fine - I love that bit. But I seem incapable of rejecting guys without making a mess of it and being bothered about it for ages afterwards, to the point where I prefer to avoid the whole thing given half an excuse to do so (too busy, single parent etc.). I'm way too nice and spend so much time communicating my genuine regard for them that they either don't register the fact that I am saying no thanks or they persuade me to keep seeing them for longer because they think we get on so well (and after all, how can you know what may or may not happen in the future?) :huh: But the main thing is just how much I hate doing it. As my guy friends tell me, this isn't actually being nice to them at all in the long run..0 -
I just want a spooning buddy...0
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I have been with B for almost 5 months now. For the most part we are great. There are issues but we try to work through them. I am an introvert though and need a good amount of alone time and am finding it difficult to balance that and a relationship.0
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I just want a spooning buddy...
With those arms, shouldn't be too hard!0 -
status update time:
I had been seeing someone for a month, but he was not ready for a relationship and we agreed to be friends. oh well.
I am emailing back and forth with a new guy but i'm not sure about this one...I have some reservations on whether or not it will go anywhere.
anyone has more exciting news? haha0 -
I've been single for 5 weeks today.
Still have some harassment issues with him and his mom is starting to get in the game telling me I should play nice because like her son, I am not perfect. How is it my fault your son is playing a sh!tty game of trolling me through texts and e-mails and trying to make my life miserable? I've only sent neutral replies and ignored most texts/e-mail.
Anyway, not looking, playing only, have two steady FWB and exploring, plus living my life too and trying to forget about the whole "crazies" issue (they live 2 floors up from me btw).0 -
I've been single for 5 weeks today.
Still have some harassment issues with him and his mom is starting to get in the game telling me I should play nice because like her son, I am not perfect. How is it my fault your son is playing a sh!tty game of trolling me through texts and e-mails and trying to make my life miserable? I've only sent neutral replies and ignored most texts/e-mail.
Anyway, not looking, playing only, have two steady FWB and exploring, plus living my life too and trying to forget about the whole "crazies" issue (they live 2 floors up from me btw).
Wow! I can not imagine dealing with that AND with them living so close.
I wish you well!!0 -
I'm single - its been about a year and a half. I took a "dating sabbatical" from May to November 2012 (no thinking about guys, no dates, no online profiles, etc). Since then I've been doing the online thing - I revamped my dating strategy, had my girlfriends rewrite my profile and pic new pics.
Been on a bunch of dates since, and there have been 2 guys that I dated for a while but I ended up not thinking either was long term material. There is another one who I really like (I posted about the situation with him here, whether I should call him), but I think that might be done, I haven't heard from him in a week. So back to the drawing board, its never ending! 0 -
I just want a spooning buddy...
Ok done 0 -
I'm single - its been about a year and a half. I took a "dating sabbatical" from May to November 2012 (no thinking about guys, no dates, no online profiles, etc). Since then I've been doing the online thing - I revamped my dating strategy, had my girlfriends rewrite my profile and pic new pics.
Been on a bunch of dates since, and there have been 2 guys that I dated for a while but I ended up not thinking either was long term material. There is another one who I really like (I posted about the situation with him here, whether I should call him), but I think that might be done, I haven't heard from him in a week. So back to the drawing board, its never ending!
Oooh I wanna know what the "revamping" of said profile entailed 0 -
I'm single - its been about a year and a half. I took a "dating sabbatical" from May to November 2012 (no thinking about guys, no dates, no online profiles, etc). Since then I've been doing the online thing - I revamped my dating strategy, had my girlfriends rewrite my profile and pic new pics.
Been on a bunch of dates since, and there have been 2 guys that I dated for a while but I ended up not thinking either was long term material. There is another one who I really like (I posted about the situation with him here, whether I should call him), but I think that might be done, I haven't heard from him in a week. So back to the drawing board, its never ending!
Oooh I wanna know what the "revamping" of said profile entailed
"vamping" it up? Hehehe0
