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Is it better to poof?

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Moe4572
Moe4572 Posts: 1,430 Member
in Social Groups
There was a guy that I started talking to from online. We moved to texting, and talked about meeting on 3 seperate occasions....the first one he brought up, the second 2 I mentioned--when he mentioned it, I was nervous--we had just started talking, then when I mentioned it, it kind of got glossed over so figured he wasn't interested, then the 3rd time when I mentioned, he said he definitely wanted to meet, but was unsure of weekend plans. So.......that was background. ON Saturday, He texted me...out of the blue (hadn't texted since Thursday).........."Best of luck" so I had no clue so asked and he told me he doesn't think we are ever going to meet and he always communicates first -this is not true, and I was lax on communicating because his profile said he would "not be up your a**" and don't want you up mine" I told him that i misjudged the line...sorry, but he said-no problem-and that was end of him.

So guy number 2.......also met online........great guy in many ways--alot of what I want.........talked almost every night through IM last week, emails all day back and forth during the week. Then Sunday we chatted through IM, but kind of felt different, then Monday got an email late in the day.......then a few emails back and forth yesterday, nothing last night or today and feel he is going to poof.

Can't decide which is worse/better? Both give same result--both means wasn't meant to be................
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Replies

  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    In the long run, I guess it doesn't really matter. But the second scenario would make me feel worse. If things are uncertain from the beginning (i.e. random contact, never a consistent pattern), I'd be less likely to get my hopes up. If I'm having regular, daily contact with someone, my expectations are going to develop more rapidly, and I'm going to be a lot more disappointed if he just slinks away.
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    Up until the second date I have no problem being poofed on. I also poof. As far as I'm concerned up to that point we don't owe each other anything.
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
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    I like to tell someone it isn't going to work, but that's because it's how I'd prefer to be treated in return. Honestly sometimes it is easier just to poof. And sometimes work, life and general stuff happens too. In the end I think it's best to realize that you have no control over what others do unfortunately.
  • dbrightwell1270
    dbrightwell1270 Posts: 1,732 Member
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    I try to avoid the long-winded communications before meeting. I've had so many times that it's all been BS that I'd rather just meet and see for myself. As far as the actual poofing. If I haven't met, I don't care. If we've gone out once and I never get a response back to a message that's fine but I hate when you get a plan made and then cancelled with some excuse followed by no more contact.
  • julesboots
    julesboots Posts: 311 Member
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    I don't think there needs to be an explanation if you've never met/ have only been communicating for less than a week or two. I don't think I'm owed anything at that point. I'd rather it all be stealth and without excuses.

    When talking to people online, I'd want to meet relatively quickly if the person is local. That avoids a lot of unnecessary drama with planning and drawn out fantasy feelings that could develop if it lingers online too long.

    I suspect there are a lot of people online who have huge emotional barriers (low self esteem, depression..) that make them think they want to actually physically meet others, but who just aren't able to bring themselves to do it. It's not worth the energy to have to think about poofing or explanations if it goes on too long without meeting.

    Edit: terrible syntax not fixed, and now that I read the post above this- agree with him.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    This is a great topic, and I posted another one in relation to this about how much communication is ok when first meeting someone...

    Personally if I have never met the person I don't mind just 'poofing' If the person is consistent (and maybe somewhat annoying)about keeping to email me or text me, I will politely decline.

    If I meet the person and have no intent to see them again and they send me a text or whatnot, I will ALWAYS decline them, becuase we have met I would want them to do the same to me. Now only if they initiate a text -- If we leave date one and I never heard back, if I was interested or not, I am ok with that. From my experience most guys will initiate a text right away to show their interest so I have never been left to sit around and wait.
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    i don't like poofers but this has only happened to me once. we never met just texted back and forth.

    I rather someone tell me they are not interested so i'm not left wondering.

    props to guy #1 for being straight up. sounds like u've been having too much communication with guy #2?

    I mean there's only so much u can say before u realize u should or should not meet
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    I rather someone tell me they are not interested so i'm not left wondering.

    This doesn't make any sense to me. What's left to wonder? He's not talking to you, therefore he's not going to be a part of your life. The end.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    I should mention, if I have been emailing someone on a site, and it has moved to texting, I would probably politely decline him rather than poofing. I think I poof when still on the site and it hasn't been 'great' enough to want to text them.
  • fullofwhimsy
    fullofwhimsy Posts: 218
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    I rather someone tell me they are not interested so i'm not left wondering.

    This doesn't make any sense to me. What's left to wonder? He's not talking to you, therefore he's not going to be a part of your life. The end.

    But he could be busy. Or sick. Or on a business trip. Or in the hospital. Or shy. Or unsure if I like him. Or..or..or.. or.. how will I know unless I text him incessantly to find out, Kits?? :tongue:
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,064 Member
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    I rather someone tell me they are not interested so i'm not left wondering.

    This doesn't make any sense to me. What's left to wonder? He's not talking to you, therefore he's not going to be a part of your life. The end.

    I understand your point, but a lot of people make up things in their mind and it builds and builds. For example, if a guy doesn't text you back, "well...he doesn't like me back, clearly. God, was it my stupid new makeup that he hated? I knew I put too much on, but it was so cute when the lady at the makeup counter did it....maybe it wasn't my makeup, maybe it was that stupid giggle I did. God, is my giggling dumb? Am I never going to find a husband because of my giggling? Or was it that stupid comment I made about the new Pope? People probably think I'm an imbecile..." and so forth.

    Maybe you're not like this, but some people (including myself) are. We sit and think and think and think about every possible scenario. Or hang onto hope. "Maybe he got into a car accident...or lost his phone..."
  • nhsoprano
    nhsoprano Posts: 129
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    If we have gone on two or three dates, then I think it best not to poof. If we have only gone on one, there is nothing to explain as far as I'm concerned. I went on a date with a guy once and a week after our date he texted me and said that he didn't feel enough of a spark to have a second date. It was the weirdest thing, because I hadn't contacted him either. I mean, wouldn't you just assume that after a week of no contact neither of us is interested? All I can think is that he felt stung I didn't contact him so he wanted to be sure to have the last word.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    If we have gone on two or three dates, then I think it best not to poof. If we have only gone on one, there is nothing to explain as far as I'm concerned. I went on a date with a guy once and a week after our date he texted me and said that he didn't feel enough of a spark to have a second date. It was the weirdest thing, because I hadn't contacted him either. I mean, wouldn't you just assume that after a week of no contact neither of us is interested? All I can think is that he felt stung I didn't contact him so he wanted to be sure to have the last word.

    Very well could have been!

    I talked to a guy only via text (had never met him) just before Christmas. After that he was kind of just gone - oh well, nothing lost here - well like 3 weeks later he resurfaced and said he had been busy and wanted to know if I was still up for chatting. Umm no? at that point, I think if anything was there, it's gone now.
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    I just think it's important for people to know that the way my tabs are set up, this thread is titled

    "Is it better to poo..."

    That is all.
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    I rather someone tell me they are not interested so i'm not left wondering.

    This doesn't make any sense to me. What's left to wonder? He's not talking to you, therefore he's not going to be a part of your life. The end.

    I understand your point, but a lot of people make up things in their mind and it builds and builds. For example, if a guy doesn't text you back, "well...he doesn't like me back, clearly. God, was it my stupid new makeup that he hated? I knew I put too much on, but it was so cute when the lady at the makeup counter did it....maybe it wasn't my makeup, maybe it was that stupid giggle I did. God, is my giggling dumb? Am I never going to find a husband because of my giggling? Or was it that stupid comment I made about the new Pope? People probably think I'm an imbecile..." and so forth.

    Maybe you're not like this, but some people (including myself) are. We sit and think and think and think about every possible scenario. Or hang onto hope. "Maybe he got into a car accident...or lost his phone..."

    That also doesn't make sense because wouldn't you wonder those things even if he did tell you he wasn't interested?

    Even then it's not the responsibility of the person poofing to account for what another person might make up in their head. I'm not saying it's not polite to say "thanks but no thanks" I just don't get the mentality of "always wondering".

    @Danielle - does it matter though? In the end the guy is not in your life. Even if he's sick or busy the fact is he's not taking the time to let you know he's currently unavailable which means he's not communicative or a good catch anyway.
  • mamacita721
    mamacita721 Posts: 194 Member
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    Poofing is bad. I would rather be told to *kitten* off than be poofed.

    In fact, I though my FWB of 1.5 years was poofing me this week. We usually get together 2 - 3 times a month and never go more than 5 days without texting. I was away at the end of Feb and asked him to make time for me when I got back. He said that he was going to be away for 10 days. I was bummed but left it alone. After two weeks I texted him and did not hear back (for a week) and I though he was poofing me. I started to doubt myself because I thought I knew him better than that. I reached out one more time and it turns out that he is still away on business. So I guess what I am saying is, assume positive intent and if you need an answer, ask the question clearly.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,064 Member
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    I rather someone tell me they are not interested so i'm not left wondering.

    This doesn't make any sense to me. What's left to wonder? He's not talking to you, therefore he's not going to be a part of your life. The end.

    I understand your point, but a lot of people make up things in their mind and it builds and builds. For example, if a guy doesn't text you back, "well...he doesn't like me back, clearly. God, was it my stupid new makeup that he hated? I knew I put too much on, but it was so cute when the lady at the makeup counter did it....maybe it wasn't my makeup, maybe it was that stupid giggle I did. God, is my giggling dumb? Am I never going to find a husband because of my giggling? Or was it that stupid comment I made about the new Pope? People probably think I'm an imbecile..." and so forth.

    Maybe you're not like this, but some people (including myself) are. We sit and think and think and think about every possible scenario. Or hang onto hope. "Maybe he got into a car accident...or lost his phone..."

    That also doesn't make sense because wouldn't you wonder those things even if he did tell you he wasn't interested?

    Even then it's not the responsibility of the person poofing to account for what another person might make up in their head. I'm not saying it's not polite to say "thanks but no thanks" I just don't get the mentality of "always wondering".

    You might wonder, but not to the extreme I would think. I don't know, to me, just hearing someone say "I don't like you" and have that be it would be better than never knowing the what if. And you're very lucky you don't have that mentality. If you do, it's awful...it's like your mind replays and replays events and you wonder what could've been done different. I still think about things I did years ago (not all the time, but it occasionally comes up in my mind) and I wonder what I could've changed. It's not fun.
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    I rather someone tell me they are not interested so i'm not left wondering.

    This doesn't make any sense to me. What's left to wonder? He's not talking to you, therefore he's not going to be a part of your life. The end.

    I understand your point, but a lot of people make up things in their mind and it builds and builds. For example, if a guy doesn't text you back, "well...he doesn't like me back, clearly. God, was it my stupid new makeup that he hated? I knew I put too much on, but it was so cute when the lady at the makeup counter did it....maybe it wasn't my makeup, maybe it was that stupid giggle I did. God, is my giggling dumb? Am I never going to find a husband because of my giggling? Or was it that stupid comment I made about the new Pope? People probably think I'm an imbecile..." and so forth.

    Maybe you're not like this, but some people (including myself) are. We sit and think and think and think about every possible scenario. Or hang onto hope. "Maybe he got into a car accident...or lost his phone..."

    That also doesn't make sense because wouldn't you wonder those things even if he did tell you he wasn't interested?

    Even then it's not the responsibility of the person poofing to account for what another person might make up in their head. I'm not saying it's not polite to say "thanks but no thanks" I just don't get the mentality of "always wondering".

    You might wonder, but not to the extreme I would think. I don't know, to me, just hearing someone say "I don't like you" and have that be it would be better than never knowing the what if. And you're very lucky you don't have that mentality. If you do, it's awful...it's like your mind replays and replays events and you wonder what could've been done different. I still think about things I did years ago (not all the time, but it occasionally comes up in my mind) and I wonder what I could've changed. It's not fun.

    Honestly when my mind starts to do that I just distract myself with pictures of kittens or other equally adorable animals.

    If I'm going to waste my time on torment it might as well be fucking cute.
  • FallingInLoveWithMe
    FallingInLoveWithMe Posts: 92 Member
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    poofing is easier
  • azhcanedition
    azhcanedition Posts: 29 Member
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    Poofing should only be for over-the-top behavior that requires poofing. If someone is nice, respectful, and has been communicative in a good way, he or she deserves at least the same manner of respect in turn.

    Also, poofing is barely acceptable if it's only been a date or two, but really...

    It's not that hard to text something that lets a person know it's cut off, whether nice or not. I've always appreciated it more when I get a message.

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